Matt Hasselbeck: Man, what a great day! Backing up this Andrew Luck kid is such a wonderful job, it’s like he never gets hurt! Thank God I didn’t take the Cowboys’ offer. Man, would I ever be sore. Hey, there’s a 7-Eleven! I could sure go for a Slurpee right now.
7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?
Matt Hasselbeck: Wait…what did you say?
7-Eleven Clerk: One Slurpee. Will that be all, Chromedome?
Matt Hasselbeck: Uh, I guess.
(walks home, a little sad)
Matt Hasselbeck: Aw, the darn paper’s in the bushes again. Hey, neighbor, did you see the paperboy today?
Neighbor: Nope, sorry. Next time I see him I’ll let him know Mr. Clean is pissed.
Matt Hasselbeck: No, my last name’s Hassel – oh, I get it. I get jokes.
(runs inside before neighbor sees his eyes well up)
Matt Hasselbeck: (sniffling a bit) Man, people can be just so, so uncaring. Maybe I’ll send out a tweeter to let everyone know how hurtful they can be.
(connects to AOL)
@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter
Matt Hasselbeck: There, that should do it. Now, for a nice nap.
(naps nicely)
Matt Hasselbeck: Gee, that was refreshing. Let’s see if anyone saw my twit!
@Hasselbeck: Hey, everyone! Just a reminder to be kind to everyone! #BaldGuysMatter
Patrick Stewart @KirksASissyMary
@Hasselbeck Splendid and Top Notch!
Matt Hasselbeck: All right – a positive response! I hope they’re all like that…
Lee Majors @BetterStrongerFaster
@Hasselbeck Hey, don’t you care about stuntmen? #FallGuysMatter
Dikembe Mutombo @WhoWantsToSexMe
@Hasselbeck I wag my finger at you. #TallGuysMatter
Roy Horn @NotAllTigers
@Hasselbeck What wrong brain with you damage? #MauledGuysMatter
Fortunato @TapThatCask
@Hasselbeck (muffled sounds) #WalledGuysMatter
Matt Hasselbeck: Oh man, everyone’s taking this wrong. I wasn’t trying to say other guys don’t matter, I was just drawing attention to a specific problem with people verbally abusing bald guys. This is really disheartening. I need to talk to someone who gets me.
(dials phone)
Tim Hasselbeck: Hello?
Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, bro, it’s Matt.
Tim Hasselbeck: [whispers] Oh, crap…listen Matt, I’m not supposed to talk to you. Elizabeth said you joined some kind of hate group…?
Matt Hasselbeck: …
I came for the dick jokes, I stayed for the commentary.
As long as you came.
Next week; Matt returns for another fucking Slurpee.
http://gifs.gifbin.com/g64795857g6.gif
The flowers are growing nicely over the last asshole that made fun of my baldness.
I was expecting this to be bald jokes, or right-wing loony blonde jokes, but it took a turn and became social commentary.
Bravo.
BrettFarve @FourInchPianist
@Hasselbeck: IT WAS REALLY COLD THAT DAY! #SmallGuysMatter
WarrenSapp @HonorableJudgeSapp
@Hasselbeck I don’t care what they say, it was consensual! #BalledGuysMatter
Ben Roethlisberger @HarfHarf
I’m with you @HonorableJudgeSapp #StallGuysMatter
A) Thank you for this one. I wasn’t sure which way to go with this.
2) You’re on a roll this morning. Keep it up.
NateSolder @SolderingIron
@WarrenSapp hey stop bogarting my hashtag #BalledGuysMatter
John Kruk @NotaRobber
@Hasselbeck Fuck off #BallGuysMatter
Lance Armstrong @uniball7xchamp
THIS @NotaRobber @Hasselbeck Fuck off #BallGuysMatter
John Jastremski @DoritoDink
This #BallGuy is off the hook!
I had no idea Matt Hasselbeck was still around.
Apparently his head is still a-round.
#GoodellDoesn’tMatter
Fuckin’ buckle up: http://deadspin.com/judge-overturns-tom-bradys-suspension-1728456783
Hawt taeks, there a’ comin’
I told all you fahk heads that ah Tawmmy did nawt do it. Tawmmy is as innocent as that fahkin’ snow that keeps morah of tha dahkies out of Dahchester. That slut Bridget probably let noodle ahmed Pennington into hera snatch. Ouwah Tawmmy nevah does anything wrong-a. I’m ga’in to the packie ta celebrate.
/dips
Latah fahktahds.
/flexes
/Goodell delenda est
Week 1…First play, Brady drops back to pass, gets rolled up, torn ACL.
That’s ok to envision, right?
I want him to make it through the first four games, then get injured, making this whole rigmarole utterly pointless. I want a straight-up Burn After Reading resolution to all of this.
It’s okay to envision, dream of, make manifest, and masturbate to.
No, since I took him in the FF darft expecting Goodell’s report to get tossed and this is my only chance to look SMRT.
I NEED THIS!!!!
If I weren’t fast becoming more of an atheist than the agnostic I used to be, I’d say, “From your lips to God’s ears.”
No, fuck it. I want him to be fully Theismanned.