Team Preview Parade: NEYW ORLINS SAYNTS

Please note: dementia is a horrific condition- one that I have watched ravage two loved ones- and something that should not be made light of under any circumstances. Unless you’re a billionaire asshole who has surrounded himself with terrible people all his life and made a business of consigning healthy young men to premature avoidable dementia from CTE. Then it’s open fucking season.

 

What?

You want to know about the Saints? I used to own a team called the Saints. And the Pelicans…right? No, that can’t be right, who would name a sports team after a goofy-looking fish bird? Might as well name Miami’s team after how goddamn hot it is down there.

What? I still own the Saints? Well hot damn! It’s like finding a dollar in a pair of slacks you haven’t worn in a while. One time, I signed Billy Joe Tolliver only to find out later that we already had Billy Joe Hobert! And we only had him because I thought he was Bobby Hebert, come out of retirement. Ah, we had some good drugs back then. Did I tell you about the time David Duke was so twisted he brought a black stripper to the luxury box? [Five minute of laughter and pause while Benson catches his breath].

Oh. Right. The Saints. Well, I think we still have that guy. No the other guy. The one with the thing on his cheek that we’re not supposed to talk about. I mean seriously, he should have that looked at. My friend Vernon’s sister had a mole like that. Kept saying it was nothing, no need to go to the doctor, even though Vern knew a dermatologist who went to the same racquetball club as he did and said he would take a look at it and she knew that Ethel’s husband’s first wife had passed away from The Melanoma. Vern even made her an appointment, but she said she was having brunch with her bridge club at that time, so she didn’t go. Died from an infection she got from undercooked Eggs Benedict. I’m not saying the mole killed her directly, but maybe if she had gone to the doctor like Vern asked she would still be with us.

Breeze? Yes, there is a bit of a draft in here. HATTIE! CLOSE THEM WINDOWS! FEELS LIKE WE GOT ANOTHER HURRICANE COMIN’ THROUGH THE PARLOR! AND BRING ME ANOTHER HURRICANE WITH EXTRA PASSION FRUIT! Oh, you mean Drew? Yeah, him. Good man. Believes in keeping his place in charge even after events have made it clear that he’s too old and decrepit to be effective, which I appreciate. Dresses up like Noah, because he thinks he brought the city through after it was all flooded. Spot-faced bastard…another two losing seasons and I could have finally moved the team to San Antonio…

So yes. We finally got rid of that uppity light-skinned fellow who thought he was worth more than he was. IF YOU’VE A DROP OF TIGHT END IN YOU, YOU ARE A TIGHT END! We also got rid of that Junior Galette. I was a little cross with Loomis for that, because he just released him outright. A black overseer with a whip-hand like that? Jerry Richardson would have paid good money for that in a trade. And maybe he wouldn’t have narc’d on Sean Payton. I don’t even know what “molly” is, other than this young lady I knew in college. Molly had spirit- in those days, things were a little looser, you know, and if you bought a girl a nice dinner at the Automat both you and she knew that you were expecting a little something in return later on. God, I miss Automats- you’d get a pocketful of nickels and you could get anything you wanted from the machines, and you didn’t even have to tip a waitress or anything. Not that I did even in normal restaurants- you don’t make my kind of money by giving it away to some serving person who’s already making a perfectly good 25 cents an hour. People all expect a handout these days, instead of working for it. That’s why I make Gayle only give donations to places that already have lots of money, like Tulane and the Catholic Church. Not like those good-for-nothing grandkids and their mother…Rachael? Rhonda? Something with an “r”. In my day, we had more respect for our elders, even if they were storing donuts in the sheep zipper.

Win? Win what? Football? Maybe. Do we still play in the same division with Carolina and the Arthur Blanks and the Butt Pirates? Yeah, maybe. I mean, last year 53 chimps coached by Ronald Reagan’s corpse could have won the NFC South, and no one has gotten any better, so anything is possible. I think I saw that movie…”Bonzo Goes To South Bend” I think it was called…

Maybe Brees will have a better season. “Dave,” I said to him after last season, “you look old out there. What you need to do this off-season is get your pep back. What you need to do is get a bottle of Doctor Mantrin’s Patented Carbolic Vigor Tonic. Rub it on your chest and elbows every night before bed, and your manparts after every bowel movement. It’ll fix you up in two shakes of a burlesque dancer’s behind. Don’t know if he did it though. Still hasn’t gotten that spot looked at. My friend Vernon’s sister had a mole like that…

 

AND SCENE!

Slightly more serious preview:

Shit, I don’t know.

They really haven’t improved in any real way that I can see. Anthony Spencer could have been a good addition (and a much-needed one after Galette’s DEVO impression went public) but he went and got injured. They shipped Kenny Stills off to Miami for no real help, and of course sent Jimmy Graham to Seattle. Max Unger is fine, but resulting first-round pick in the trade Stephone Anthony isn’t a starter even in the Saints’ depleted (and already terrible) linebacking corps.

They built the only real success in franchise history around giving Brees such a multitude of offensive options that the opposing team (and fantasy owners) could not predict which of five adequate receivers would have a big game. Jimmy Graham bucked this trend, but you couldn’t stop him even when you knew the ball was going his direction. Now, Brees is looking at three options on every pass play: deep vertical to Brandin Cooks, limping curl to Colston, or checkdown to whichever stone-handed running back is in (since CJ Spiller’s knees will have exploded in pregame warmups).

The offensive desolation is exacerbated by the defense’s inability to hold a lead. We all love Rob Ryan as a dude, but he has a bad track record if he’s not given decent personnel. It’s time we admit that if we pulled a Madden/Belichick, put “N.O. Def Coord” next to his career stats and a bland face on his avatar, he’d be out of a job.

So yeah. Ugly ownership/management succession fight in the offing, ugly offense, ugly defense, ugly fans. It’s possible that they rebound (their 2006 season surprised the hell out of most of us) but other than praying for another sub-.500 division winner, I don’t see much chance for them.

Prediction:

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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aceg

Dementia took my grandmother and is working on my step-mother, but damn this was brilliant! “Do we still play in the same division with Carolina and the Arthur Blanks and the Butt Pirates?” Lost my shit.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I will be completely honest. I have the link saved because I found this song from a random thing with theme names playing a text based game before they were ad filled. Fuckin Google? Yeah not worth trying to help

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I swear I got rid of that ? after I deleted some other stuff

montythisseemsstrangetome

So, drafting Brees in Sill’s 20-team league… this will go well for me, no?

Cuntler

I love that Jerry Richardson is so senile he previewed the wrong team.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Now just gonna hide in bed. Fucking awful day

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Wakezilla

My goodness, she never missed a leg day. What’s her name?

Spanky Datass

Neesy Rizzo … I think.

King Hippo

Similar good juju, man. Life can really suck even on the not-worst days. Get a laugh in when ya can, get a cry out when ya need to.

Sarah Sprague’s World Cup RiveBrogs kept me above-water when I was at my lowest ebb. Good communities are like that, even in dick joke form.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am a fan on this site to help me see the bright side when I have bad days, today was just awful. And I am missing Sills draft now. I wanted to be competitive in that weird league

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was there. You still can be competitive in this shitshow.

ballsofsteelandfury

I wouldn’t worry about it. I have no idea how that league is going to work.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am a fan. I am still gonna cry as a 32 year old but I swear it helped.

Cuntler

Dick picks sent! Oh.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have been through a shitty day, my ex abusive dad who is normally cool now went to 12 on my dog for fidgeting, spent the rest of my day helping my mom (avoiding his wrath) with comp stuff. Also previous dad keeps saying he is gonna shoot himself instead of dealing with terrible doctors again. And my Grandma is gonna die before I get a chance for one last visit Friday. Also for the record, if anyone wants to send gifts. My birthday is Friday. 9/11

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This is the definition of oversharing, I apologize for that

SonOfSpam

I’m sorry for your day. I really hope tomorrow is better for you.

Cuntler

At least you have the Bears to look forward to! Oh.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Did anyone tell you you were the worst? Because that. Also I love you.

aceg

Hang in there MTWV… tomorrow’s another day kid.

WCS

I didn’t really “want” to “like” your post, because, we’ll that’s damned criminal. Point is, you’ve created something wonderful, like phoenix rising and whatnot. We’re here for ya, brother. Stay strong.

ballsofsteelandfury

Me too. It’s obviously not that we “like” your pain, but it’s just a way to show you we are with you and we support you.

Don T

That is horrible man. I really wish you can do your best in that situation, and find solace and in this engrossing frivolity about to start. Nothing but the best wishes, and a request for you to keep us company. We dig it. Lots.

Sill Bimmons
blaxabbath

“IF YOU’VE A DROP OF TIGHT END IN YOU, YOU ARE A TIGHT END!”

Nailed it.

King Hippo

Just delightful prose. Good job!

I had to go uber cheap at WR and got Brandon Coleman and Willie Snead late in my 20-man roster auction league, hopefully one of them will emerge for some of that sweet, sweet garbage time. And before I fucking cut the wrong one.

Sill Bimmons
Wakezilla

Hey, dementia is a serious thing that is killing my grandma. But you know what? Your post was funny as hell. Bravo, good sir.

Also, as the NFL can agree, having Max Unger in the O-Line to make sure the defense stops penetrating through the A gap is going to be less distracting from a team that will likely finish second in the shittiest football division.