Tom Brady Gets A New Sponsor

Hi, I’m Tom Brady and I have Direct TV.

  And I’m Evil Tom Brady and I have cable.

That I steal from my neighbor.

With Direct TV I get crystal clear images from thousands of channels, any time I want.

With Cable I get several dozen channels, some of which I can use to distract that kid I had with Bridget Whatsername right before I hooked up with the Victoria’s Secret model whose name I forget.

With Direct TV I…wait, “the Victoria’s Secret model whose name I forget”?  The fuck?  Dude we married Gisele!  We have two kids with her!  And it’s Bridget Moynahan, not Whatsername you fucking asshole.  We have a kid with her too for Christ’s sake!  So things didn’t work out, show some respect.

With cable I can get soft-core por…Oh, you want to start talking shit handsome alter ego!?  Just because your cheekbones don’t look like Victor Frankenstein had a few too many shots of Malort and decided to make a few “improvements” with a hand-axe?

Look you want to keep getting sponsorship opportunities or you want to continue our descent towards becoming the most hated man in the NFL outside of New England?  I don’t know about you but I’ll be goddamned if I retire anywhere near Worcester or, God forbid, Holyoke.

That’s all well and good but don’t dump all your crap on me handsome.  You watched the same practice tapes from the other teams I did and you knew as much about the deflated balls as I do and we both know good and goddamn well that Hernandez was only covering up for your “arrangement” with Whitey Bul..

HEY, HEY, HEY WHOAAAAAAAA there Igor.  There’s no need to go (literally) digging up bodies like that!  You want us to lose all that Uggs money?  We’re probably going to need it since Gisele found out about you and Ben and the nanny and those llamas. And God knows I can’t afford to fix your bone structure on my NFL salary.

YOU LEAVE THE LLAMAS OUT OF THIS!!!!

Look, let’s just get through this, cash the check and then we’ll go out and spike Tony Romo’s energy drink with rohypnol.

Wait, you’re not already doing that?

Believe it or not no; those post-season tragedies are all him.

Jesus, that’s just awful.

Agreed.  Let’s get this done and get out of here.  There’s a nanny outside with a brace of llamas.

Don’t be this me; get Direct TV and get busy enjoying the NFL in all it’s incompetent, hypocritical glory!

Whatever.  I’m killing a hobo tonight anyway