Your Week 2 Early Slate of Games Open Thread

Ten mother-lovin’ games? Better get to work…

Car @ Hou: The Hoyer Era lasted a wee bit shorter than the length of one football game. Congrats coaching staff, no matter who you play at QB going forward you’ll have to answer a boatload of questions about the guy you didn’t start. Kuechly’ (no matter how you spell it, it looks wrong) is out today but the Panther D shouldn’t have much of a problem against the Texans. Where’s Greg Olsen? Nowhere to be found last week. He had only two targets.

SF @ Pit: Hyde went bananas last week and Bush is out (surprise!) so look for more of the same. If Kap spies a gap he should be off and running-the Steelers secondary is iffy. TE Davis may be able to take advantage of the same situation. Brown has a minimum 5 catches and 50 yards for an NFL record 33 consecutive games-the second longest active streak is 4. I thought Wheaton would take advantage of Bryant not being around. That has not been the case.

TB @ NO: Both teams are 0-1 but this division battle will have no ramifications in the future. Winston looked overwhelmed last week just as he did in the preseason. Evans should be ready to go-adjust your lineups accordingly. How ’bout that disconnect between lousy QB play and points expected to be garnered by a quality WR in fantasy? Brees threw 48 times last week. The Wolf Man bulldozed the Saints to 31st in the league in total defense last year. I wonder what he’s got up his sleeve this time around. Colston has had a great run but it looks as though his knees have gone the way of the fax machine.

Det @ Min: As we learned last week, Stafford has been in the league X number of years and still gets rattled by blitz packages. The Lions D is goig to fall from a top 5 unit to somewhere in the middle of the pack.As yeah right said, “give AP the damn ball!” That should solve a number of problems for the offence in general and Bridgewater in particular. Maybe the coaching staff had him on a “carry count”? Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.

Ari @ Chi: Ellington is out so Johnson (Chris) and Johnson (David) will clean up the running game. I think Andre will come back to a muddled RBBC situation. Palmer picked up where he left off last season. A Warner-like renaissance for him? I’d like to see it. It’s imperative that Allen get pressure on Palmer early. Jeffrey’s hamstring is acting up-if he’s out Patrick Peterson is going to take the next WR out of the game so that leaves Bennett at TE as the only viable threat in the passing game. I don’t like the Bears chances.

NE @ Buff: Rex said that everyone wants them to beat the Pats and he is right. Gronk has scored 9 TD’s in 7 games against the Bills but is generally limited against Ryan defenses. McCoy is questionable so we may see a whole lot of Boobie. Buffalo looked amazing last week and in the preseason as well. Brady doesn’t do well against pressure and this Bills D can deliver on that front.

SD @ CIN: The Chargers D held Megatron to 2 catches-can they do the same to Green? Allen, Green, Floyd, Gordon, Woodhead, Oliver and Gates later on-Rivers has a ton of toys to play with this year. Cincy has no injured players! It doesn’t matter. It is very important for Hill to chew up the clock so that Rivers doesn’t get on the field.

Ten @ Cle: The huge story this week is that Terrance West returns to Cleveland to wreak mediocrity and take a seat on the bench. Mariota, huh? What happened last week? McCown is out and Bowe is questionable, which in this business is known as addition by subtraction.

Atl @ NYG: Ryan shouldn’t have any problems unless he’s terrified by invisible pass rushes. Tevin Coleman looks to be the guy in the Falcons backfield. Say a prayer for the Giants secondary-Julio Jones is in town. Vic Beasley against Ereck Flowers-who ya got? There is a 50-50 chance that the Giants could be 0-3 five days from now. (they meet Wash. on Thursday)

StL @ Was: St. Lou ambushed Seattle last week and should take their opponent out behind the woodshed this week. My buddy Cunningham didn’t embarrass himself last week. The jury is still out on Foles though he didn’t throw a pic last week. Rashad Ross scored 4 TD’s in preseason and is looking for his first in real play. He replaces D-Jax this week.

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Of course Shanahan has a gritty white fullback.

Spur

The [*Redacted] s aren’t sucking as much as they’re supposed to. This concerns me.

John Difool

Shhhh, they might hear you.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Give it five minutes

Brocky

Silly announcers, jay cutler isn’t important enough

Smithchez

Can anyone give me reasons to care about the results of the games today aside from Bills-Patriots? Schadenfreude reasons are acceptable (and in fact preferable).

King Hippo

Miami losing to the Jags would be pretty fucking hilarious.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Pam Oliver really needs to ditch the wig. She ain’t foolin’ no one.

packman_jon

Motor reference #2. DRINK

Spur

Need a compilation of punters making tackles.

JustStopDude

I can’t help but getting fucked up with matthew mcconaughey has to be a very annoying experience.

I imagine he is the kind of guy that spends more time talking about getting high than actually just getting high and enjoying it. Like he won’t shutup about how great and unique his weed is.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Hi I’m Peyton Manning. And I’m Gay Stereotype Manning.

Sill Bimmons

FUMBRRRREEEEE

Shogun Marcus

Vikings…decent? What universe is this?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

AND YOU’RE GONNA KIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!

JustStopDude
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Matt Jones is better than Alfred Morris.

John Difool

He’s definitely faster.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I was going to respond, but I was frozen in fear by that ad for Colin Cowherd. Brrrrrrrrr

John Difool

Holy Fuck, Matt Jones!

Smithchez

NAWT FAIR! OWAH GUY FELL AND THEY DIDN’T EVEN THROW A FACKIN FLAG?!

Brocky

Bears defense, I know you’re not very good, but I’d love a defensive touchdown

JustStopDude

I’m not a Bills fan…but its pretty fucking awesome how pack that stadium is. Its the best thing about this league how terrible teams can turn it around.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Julio Jones vs Odell Beckham
Or… Poetry in Motion
(Sorry no punchline here.)

Old School Zero

Melvin Gordon looking not bad.

JustStopDude

Oh god neither the Rams or the Slurs want to play offense this game…

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

These Rams look more familiar.

Spur

Morning people. We’re all rooting for the Bills today, yes?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I’m rooting against the Pats.

Spanky Datass

Yep. I’m gonna make a garbage plate for good luck.

Sharkbait

…No…

MikeWallaceAndGromit

So we gonna unpublish the afternoon and night open threads that got posted?

Old School Zero

The issue has been… resolved.

/hides silenced .22 pistol behind back

Stabby Pants

If it will end these commercials, I am in favor of congress banning fantasy football.

Brocky

That’s what passes for opi now? Arizona isn’t new england

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Shanahan offense: 5 minutes and a punt

JustStopDude

Bills making it look easy on offense!

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

That’s how you fucking do it, just shit down their necks Bills.

fleshwound_NPG

SHADY VULTUREDOWN

Sharkbait

Vulture Down in Buffalo

Stabby Pants

Tomsula looking to take home the Lovie smith dumb challenge trophy.

Mother Puncher

Bengals with the great snatch after a big muff.

JustStopDude

HAHAHAHAHA The upper deck of the DC stadium has a shitload of empty seats!

packman_jon

That’s almost expected nowadays

nomonkeyfun

But we have a 5 million person waiting list for season tickets.

-Danny Boy

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

And they’re all Indians! Indians who love the [*Redacted] s name!

nomonkeyfun

The only Indian that didn’t like the name was Shanahan.

Sharkbait

What would you expect? They’ve been upper decking their fans for years.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

(Watches replay of Julio Jones): DAT FOOTWORK!

Col. Duke LaCross

That was fucking pathetic

JustStopDude

Damn it this is tough…do I want to hate watch the Washington Slurs to lose to the Rams or do I watch the Bills-Pats game?

I’m usually used to having two games I don’t want to see.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Come to hate the Slurs, stay to love Aaron Donald.

Mother Puncher
indieguy

I’ve always wanted one of those

Old School Zero

Oh goddamnit Chargers

Brocky

Two completely different positions, guard and tackle.

God damn it I can’t event make through one sarcastic comment before the bears let the other team score.

Fjnsksi free bdje

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Dear kick returners,
Please stop returning kicks 5 yards deep in the endzone.

-Everyone

fleshwound_NPG

The Wanny Era is back in Chicago.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Half moustaches for everyone!

King Hippo

oh, Bears…

...

For all of those who had 13 seconds in the “when will the Bears lose today’s game” pool, collect your winnings.

fleshwound_NPG

SEVEN NATION ARMY AND THE BALL AIN’T EVEN KICKED OFF YET BUFFALO WTF

packman_jon

“Far too late”

– Ravens fans

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Holy Shit, the Browns kicker is Travis Coons.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Alshon Jeffrey is out again? Jeez, WR is pretty shallow this year.

laserguru

Think I’m going to scramble up an egg and cheese sandwich before this party gets going full swing.
Too early for West Coast party time.

Sharkbait

Thats why bloody Marys, mimosas and screwdrivers were invented

Sharkbait

Best part of watching production feeds? No Draft Kings/Fan Duel Ads

Old School Zero

Oh, that sounds excellent. Are you a media professional? Or just have some secret way to tap into the production feeds?

Sharkbait

Media “professional” more like it.

In addition to that I get EPL, Swedish hockey and Swedish lottery

Old School Zero

It’s good to be the king.

Spanky Datass

I was lucky enough to watch production feeds when I was stationed in Japan a gazillion years ago. They were the best, especially feetball and Saturday Night Live!

fleshwound_NPG

I only ask for the following:

– please make NE/BUF watchable in case the Catlers are getting fucked by Fiddy
– please make the Catlers watchable in case Rex Ryan gets fucked by Grumblelord (again).
– OMG gimmie the schadenfreude of the Fat Humps going 0-2 tomorrow…against the fucking Jests
– finally, a rare occurrence, my local FOX affiliate has an afternoon game(!!!)…plz obummer kill the NFL blackout rules

fleshwound_NPG

Oh, Catlers…