Well, another week is in the books, and since Duchess won’t be able to put together the Nine Circles of Leasts this week, I thought I’d throw together some awards for some last weekend’s most entertaining performances.

The Calvin Johnson Memorial “That’s the Dumbest Fucking Rule Ever” Award: Tyler Eifert.  Despite clearly making the catch, setting his two feet down, and then stretching across the goal line to break the plane, Tyler Eifert was not awarded a touchdown because apparently “being tackled” qualifies as “going to ground”.  I honestly don’t know why defensive players don’t pile on the receiver and strip the ball after every single touchdown reception regardless of how obvious of a catch it was – seems like it would be worth a shot.

The Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Pyrotechnics: The Edward Jones Dome ground crew, who delayed the Steelers-Rams game by setting fire to the playing field during pre-game introductions.

The Pat Healy Memorial “He Makes His Opponents All Look Like they Have Down’s Syndrome” Award: A.J. Green with 10 catches for 227 yards and two touchdowns.  Both of Green’s touchdowns were in the fourth quarter, and both were to put his team ahead after the Bengals had let Baltimore take back the lead.  Honorable Mention: Julio Jones, who made 12 catches for 164 yards and two touchdowns and is currently on pace to put up 2,346 yards for the season.

Dread Zone Matchup of the Week: This is normally given to the one game per week that that fills Red Zone producers with dread because they know they won’t have any reason to cut to it, but this week it was an easy three-way tie between all of the afternoon games, which finished with final scores of 47-7, 41-14, and 26-0.

The Matt Schaub Memorial “Whose Side Are You On?” Award: Colin Kaepernick, who threw two pick-sixes on his first four passes and went on to throw two more en route to the aforementioned 47-7 embarrassment at the hands of the Arizona Cardinals.  To put it into perspective, Kaepernick threw an equal number of touchdowns to the Cardinals as Carson Palmer managed, and literally gave Arizona all the points it would need for the win less than six minutes into the game.

The Johnny Knox/Devin Hester Memorial “Why is That Guy Just Hanging Out All Alone in the Far Corner of the Field?” Award: Tyler Lockett and Richard Sherman, who, fueled by Tyler Lockett’s incredible return prowess thus far this season and Chicago’s desperation to contain him, combined to pull off a nifty trick punt return.

Honorable Mentions:

The Steve Smith Memorial “Ice Up, Son” Award: Amari Cooper.  In a high-profile matchup against Browns cornerback Joe Haden, Oakland Raiders rookie Amari Cooper pretty much won the day, catching 8 passes for 134 yards.  Haden eventually left the game with an injury.  The reason this got downgraded to an honorable mention is because Haden managed to come back into the game in the fourth quarter and force an important Cooper fumble.

The Bernard Pollard Memorial “I’m Trying to Personally Ruin Your Team’s Season” Award: St. Louis Rams safety Mark Barron, who knocked Ben Roethlisberger out with a knee injury.  While Barron gets points for coming in low, claiming he “tripped”*, he only managed to injure Roethlisberger’s MCL and keep him sidelined for four to six weeks.  To get full marks, he’d have needed to get the full ACL tear, so he’s relegated to an honorable mention here.

Lastly, props to Dr. Zymm for providing us with this week’s tagline.