“Having relieved itself, the American Football Fan then proceeds to its kitchen. Despite having gorged itself the previous evening on the wings and legs of its favourite prey, the North American Caged Chicken, it peers into its fridge looking for more sustenance. Despite many food choices it decides upon a mind-altering substance called ‘microbrewery beer’. Suddenly, its rudimentary brain tells the nostrils to sniff the air. Having not identified anything unusual yet knowing that ‘something’ is amiss, the brain tells the legs to go to the TV. Having turned on the device the AFF finally understands that football is on. Not being able to process more than a few things at a time, the AFF looks down at its hands and realizes it has a beer there. It drinks.” [to be continued]
NYG @ Buf: McCoy and Watkins are probably out. But backup Karlos Williams is Ok at RB and Harvin will get more looks so not that big a deal against a Giant D that can’t stop in the name of love. Cruz’ oh-so-mysterious calf injury is acting up again. Hey Victor, guess who’s going to have to take a massive paycut in order to stay with the team next year? Given his condition the Giants are taking a look at Wes “Please, no loud noises” Welker. I’d like to think this will be a good game with the Giants coming out on top but I like to think about a lot of things. Fear not Giants fans, JPP reports for duty soon! As of June 30th this would not have been a sarcastic statement.
Jax @ Indy: Too bad Luck is out-he’s got the Jags number. The last six games the Colts have been up 107-15 going into the second half. Colts D is less than solid so I can see this being a bit closer than anyone outside of Florida would want it. Bortles and Robinson wouldn’t be bad options if you have some fellas on bye. All in all we should see scores from Moncrief and Hilton and then a heavy dose of Gore as the Colts get to .500.
Car @ TB: The Hamster is listed as questionable but should show his wheels today. Bear escapee Allen makes his debut today-I imagine he feels reinvigorated and that should add up to some short term production, say a sack or two? As for Tampa, an inexperienced QB and a D that gave up 413 yards of offence to a depleted Texans squad adds up to a big “Uh-Oh”.
Phi @ Was: The Eagles have the best run D in the league which is a bit surprising. I feel a bit (not a lot) sorry for Bradford, as the new guy in town he has a shit-ton of eyes on him and he’s struggled picking up the O, that much is obvious. What’s less obvious is that he has been the victim of the most drops so far (11) but no one notices that sort of thing. There are ill winds swirling ’round Washington and it’s not of the Slurs own making for once. If that damn foreigner Joaquin asserts himself there’s talk of the game being regurgitated later on in the year.
Oak @ Chi: I’ll be checking in on this game to see if each team is as bad/good in its own way. The Raiders look to match last year’s win total in week 4-mediocre teams love that last place schedule, don’t they? Although no one (aside from a Bears fan) could have dreamed things would have gone so badly south for Chicago there’s talk of relocating them to Mexico City. Cooper’s looking like his nickname should be Coca-Cola because he’s the real thing so far and he should have his way with DB’s Fuller and Ball.
Hou @ Atl: Barring a pre-game setback Foster should make an appearance here. The Falcon O is purring along now that Freeman has asserted himself in the running game although Watt, Clowney, Crick, Wilfork and Cushing represent a whole ‘nother kettle of rhinos. Ryan just has to get the ball to Julio who is reminding me more and more of 2011-2013 Megatron.
KC @ Cin: Cincy is rolling-the O looks great and the D is opportunistic. AJ asserted himself last week to a career high and a game-winning score. Meanwhile, Reid has all the talent in the world and does the most obvious shit with it yet again. There’s the first down run by JC, the second down slant or dump-off to Kelce which puts them in a third and longish spot. At this point the opposing D pins its ears back, blitzes and Smith doesn’t have time for a play to develop so he throws the short pass again. Add to that safeties playing closer to the line of scrimmage against the Chiefs than against any other team in the league and you’ve got only so many things Smith can do. Guess which spaghetti-armed QB has the lousiest (5 for 30) 3rd down conversion rate so far?
After six years of watching him on the Jets sideline, you’d think I’d get tired of Rex’s “why did you call that? They’re allowed to punch after the whistle!” face….. but I’m not. I’m really not.
Can has Beckham down?
Umm, I’d give that back to Buffalo.
I went out for a cig after that happened which is probably the exact opposite of what would be recommended by doctors. Still not feeling good but it actually calmed me down. My fingers are a little shaky but not worried I am gonna die anymore.
Well, that’s… progress?
Lie down and rest. Your brain just mini-crashed. Let it reboot.
Keep an eye on your dosages, and do what’s best for you.
I just bought a sixer of Off Color’s applewood smoked wheat beer. I have never had a beer like this before.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
It’s supposed to be a Polish style of wheat beer called grodziskie. It’s super light and low alcohol but has this incredibly complex smoked flavor to it.
I don’t think I could drink it all the time, but it’s great as a change of pace beer.
If I had that I’d soak some ribs in it in a heart-beat.
Dear various [*Redacted] s running backs.
Please bail out Kirk.
Cheers,
Me
Dont listen to her Kirk. Keep being you
Dear Kirk Cousins. I understand that you have to do long throws, and that the good running game opens up opportunities for you, but do you think you could maybe try not to be super inaccurate? Receivers are generally better at catching things that aren’t really overthrown.
Giants lose 25-24 because Entropy wants to touch me.
Hey….. I don’t *want* to touch you, it’s more of a compulsion. I…… have to touch you. NEED to….
Oh god what was that?!
Ye of little faith, Bills gon Bills.
Alright, now they got a two score lead, lets not fuck this up……please.
Damn. “Madame Secretary” has no idea was subtlety is.
CBS: Can’t Bring Subtlety
YOU NEED A REED TO PLAY A CLARINET AND ALSO TO GET A FIRST DOWN
[*Redacted] s are the closest thing to having an extremely bad heart and not having any nitro pills within about 20 miles.
I’m predicting a TD from the Bills because the Giants can’t do anything right despite the fact they’re winning.
Despair. Go running game. Try not to suck.
How I imagine Bradford views the rest of the world….
http://i.imgur.com/TnMdYhE.gif
TOUCHDOWN!
“What’s that?” – Kansas City Chiefs
Womp womp, Rex.
Wow, Giants, you scored a touchdown…. But someone shot Odell Beckham Jr.
Looks innocent. Maybe he’s just taking a break.
/cries softly
It’s like he forgot how cleats work. Plants his foot, then tries to fucking spin on it! What the ever loving fuck?
Nice tackling Bills
10/10
Washington first half:
http://www2.lhric.org/pocantico/westward_expansion/crazyhorse.jpg
Washington second half:
http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/wooden-indian-cigar-shop-audrey-peaty.jpg
KC kicking a FG down by 14.
Something, something, Gregggggggggggggggggg
Nothing quite like watching two titans of the sport duke it out… Blake Bortles v Matt Hasselbeck. Astounding.
And there’s the stupid Cutler INT we all expect…
This Eagles-Skins game…
http://media.giphy.com/media/nE9LRErmGgU8g/giphy.gif
Thanks, Obama!
Giants lose 17-16 because I touch myself.
You’re gonna grow hair on your blind eyeballs as Eli cries in the corner.
Alright Giants, you need to eat some clock and at least get a field goal, they’re not going to do any of that, are they?
Fuck yeah. Playing “Unchained” when they bring out the chains to measure.
And my seizure thing is happening now. Not a fan of it happening after I have been drinking.
Uhh… you okay?
Need us to dial 911?
Arms and face went numb within like 30 seconds. Not having any breathing problems and not going full seizing so I should be fine. I just will feel shitty for 2 hours. Never had it happen when I was drinking though, that is my only worry
Hope you arent alone
My mother has epilepsy. You have my sympathies.
I have seen playing surfaces nicer than Washington’s in the Sahara.
You wouldn’t expect Lil’ Danny to go around SPENDING money on something other than his vanity, would ya?
Frank Gore making Indy long for the days of Trent Richardson.
Well, that KarlosDOWN ensures my 1-3. FUCK THIS WEEKEND
It’s FFF week here in the NFL. We got FUMBLES. We got FLAGS. We got FUCKED UP FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS.
fucked up placekicking is awesome. especially when it gets so bad their teammates quit consoling them. I LOVE THAT, because I am a despicable piece of shit.
Ahhh… Raiders gonna Raid.
I now feel rittre bettel about switching Survivor pick.
I love Marcel Reece’s Hannibal Lecter facemask.
Crabtree is back in and playing? Wow, he got some good drugs at halftime.
When I did my ankle, the only way you’d have gotten me back on the field is with hallucinogens.
This Indy-Jaguras game is just a clusterfuck right now.
Woke up from weed/hangover nap and my Eagles are winning with TD’s from the racist and geriatric Miles Austin. I knew I wore my Kevin Kolb jersey today for a reason.
Devonta may single-handedly give me two wins in a row.
http://i.imgur.com/Hi0P138.png
I’m not saying this Philly vs. Washington game has turned into Refball or anything……
http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/9189283.jpg
JAGS WOO!!!!!
The Bears are winning right now. Watching the game I have no clue how, and it seems like they should be down by like 14.
Bull excrement.
Anyone else think that Jay Gruden looks really fat?
He’s the “before cocaine” picture equivalent of Jon
So once again, I fell asleep on the couch for an hour this afternoon, and awoke to discover that I had missed absolutely fucking nothing.
To be fair, it’s 2018, so you missed a little.
You forgot to end your comment with “ALL HAIL PRESIDENT TRUMP”
I am afraid I will have to notify the proper authorities.
ALL HAIL PRESIDENT TRUMP.
Gee, that wasn’t super obvious or anything, Rexy.
I haven’t seen any highlights and my area isn’t broadcasting it, so my question is: what the MOTHERFALCONFUCK is going on in Atlanta?
Mallett and Hoyer
Zymm… I mean Atlanta is destroying me… them.
Awesome play calling Buffalo. Just try four different variations of the same play to the same side.
GOAKLAND! Cause I want cheap Bears tickets in December.
#stratergerizedthinking
Wow. just fucking awful call again against the Bears. That muffed punt that they ignored last week was bad. That call might have been worse
Tyrod needs to score, Giants need to win. Goddamn.