Phase Two-Your Early Afternoon Game Thread

“Having relieved itself, the American Football Fan then proceeds to its kitchen. Despite having gorged itself the previous evening on the wings and legs of its favourite prey, the North American Caged Chicken, it peers into its fridge looking for more sustenance. Despite many food choices it decides upon a mind-altering substance called ‘microbrewery beer’. Suddenly, its rudimentary brain tells the nostrils to sniff the air. Having not identified anything unusual yet knowing that ‘something’ is amiss, the brain tells the legs to go to the TV.  Having turned on the device the AFF finally understands that football is on. Not being able to process more than a few things at a time, the AFF looks down at its hands and realizes it has a beer there. It drinks.” [to be continued]

NYG @ Buf: McCoy and Watkins are probably out. But backup Karlos Williams is Ok at RB and Harvin will get more looks so not that big a deal against a Giant D that can’t stop in the name of love. Cruz’ oh-so-mysterious calf injury is acting up again. Hey Victor, guess who’s going to have to take a massive paycut in order to stay with the team next year? Given his condition the Giants are taking a look at Wes “Please, no loud noises” Welker. I’d like to think this will be a good game with the Giants coming out on top but I like to think about a lot of things. Fear not Giants fans, JPP reports for duty soon! As of June 30th this would not have been a sarcastic statement.

Jax @ Indy: Too bad Luck is out-he’s got the Jags number. The last six games the Colts have been up 107-15 going into the second half. Colts D is less than solid so I can see this being a bit closer than anyone outside of Florida would want it. Bortles and Robinson wouldn’t be bad options if you have some fellas on bye. All in all we should see scores from Moncrief and Hilton and then a heavy dose of Gore as the Colts get to .500.

Car @ TB: The Hamster is listed as questionable but should show his wheels today. Bear escapee Allen makes his debut today-I imagine he feels reinvigorated and that should add up to some short term production, say a sack or two? As for Tampa, an inexperienced QB and a D that gave up 413 yards of offence to a depleted Texans squad adds up to a big “Uh-Oh”.

Phi @ Was: The Eagles have the best run D in the league which is a bit surprising. I feel a bit (not a lot) sorry for Bradford, as the new guy in town he has a shit-ton of eyes on him and he’s struggled picking up the O, that much is obvious. What’s less obvious is that he has been the victim of the most drops so far (11) but no one notices that sort of thing. There are ill winds swirling ’round Washington and it’s not of the Slurs own making for once. If that damn foreigner Joaquin asserts himself there’s talk of the game being regurgitated later on in the year.

Oak @ Chi: I’ll be checking in on this game to see if each team is as bad/good in its own way. The Raiders look to match last year’s win total in week 4-mediocre teams love that last place schedule, don’t they? Although no one (aside from a Bears fan) could have dreamed things would have gone so badly south for Chicago there’s talk of relocating them to Mexico City. Cooper’s looking like his nickname should be Coca-Cola because he’s the real thing so far and he should have his way with DB’s Fuller and Ball.

Hou @ Atl: Barring a pre-game setback Foster should make an appearance here. The Falcon O is purring along now that Freeman has asserted himself in the running game although Watt, Clowney, Crick, Wilfork and Cushing represent a whole ‘nother kettle of rhinos. Ryan just has to get the ball to Julio who is reminding me more and more of 2011-2013 Megatron.

KC @ Cin: Cincy is rolling-the O looks great and the D is opportunistic. AJ asserted himself last week to a career high and a game-winning score. Meanwhile, Reid has all the talent in the world and does the most obvious shit with it yet again. There’s the first down run by JC, the second down slant or dump-off to Kelce which puts them in a third and longish spot. At this point the opposing D pins its ears back, blitzes and Smith doesn’t have time for a play to develop so he throws the short pass again. Add to that safeties playing closer to the line of scrimmage against the Chiefs than against any other team in the league and you’ve got only so many things Smith can do. Guess which spaghetti-armed QB has the lousiest (5 for 30) 3rd down conversion rate so far?

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
532 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
entropy

After six years of watching him on the Jets sideline, you’d think I’d get tired of Rex’s “why did you call that? They’re allowed to punch after the whistle!” face….. but I’m not. I’m really not.

Sharkbait

Can has Beckham down?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I went out for a cig after that happened which is probably the exact opposite of what would be recommended by doctors. Still not feeling good but it actually calmed me down. My fingers are a little shaky but not worried I am gonna die anymore.

WCS

Well, that’s… progress?

Redshirt

Lie down and rest. Your brain just mini-crashed. Let it reboot.

Doktor Zymm

Keep an eye on your dosages, and do what’s best for you.

...

I just bought a sixer of Off Color’s applewood smoked wheat beer. I have never had a beer like this before.

Lothar of the Hill People

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

...

It’s supposed to be a Polish style of wheat beer called grodziskie. It’s super light and low alcohol but has this incredibly complex smoked flavor to it.

I don’t think I could drink it all the time, but it’s great as a change of pace beer.

Doktor Zymm

Dear various [*Redacted] s running backs.
Please bail out Kirk.
Cheers,
Me

litre_cola

Dont listen to her Kirk. Keep being you

Doktor Zymm

Dear Kirk Cousins. I understand that you have to do long throws, and that the good running game opens up opportunities for you, but do you think you could maybe try not to be super inaccurate? Receivers are generally better at catching things that aren’t really overthrown.

entropy

Hey….. I don’t *want* to touch you, it’s more of a compulsion. I…… have to touch you. NEED to….

Oh god what was that?!

Charge of the Light Brigade

Ye of little faith, Bills gon Bills.

IronAvenger6491

Alright, now they got a two score lead, lets not fuck this up……please.

Redshirt

Damn. “Madame Secretary” has no idea was subtlety is.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

CBS: Can’t Bring Subtlety

Doktor Zymm

YOU NEED A REED TO PLAY A CLARINET AND ALSO TO GET A FIRST DOWN

John Difool

[*Redacted] s are the closest thing to having an extremely bad heart and not having any nitro pills within about 20 miles.

Doktor Zymm

Despair. Go running game. Try not to suck.

JustStopDude

How I imagine Bradford views the rest of the world….

http://i.imgur.com/TnMdYhE.gif

IronAvenger6491

TOUCHDOWN!

Redshirt

“What’s that?” – Kansas City Chiefs

Smithchez

Womp womp, Rex.

entropy

Wow, Giants, you scored a touchdown…. But someone shot Odell Beckham Jr.

entropy

It’s like he forgot how cleats work. Plants his foot, then tries to fucking spin on it! What the ever loving fuck?

Nice tackling Bills

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

10/10
comment image

Redshirt

KC kicking a FG down by 14.

Something, something, Gregggggggggggggggggg

Charge of the Light Brigade

Nothing quite like watching two titans of the sport duke it out… Blake Bortles v Matt Hasselbeck. Astounding.

Lothar of the Hill People

And there’s the stupid Cutler INT we all expect…

JustStopDude
Lothar of the Hill People

Thanks, Obama!

entropy

You’re gonna grow hair on your blind eyeballs as Eli cries in the corner.

IronAvenger6491

Alright Giants, you need to eat some clock and at least get a field goal, they’re not going to do any of that, are they?

Lothar of the Hill People

Fuck yeah. Playing “Unchained” when they bring out the chains to measure.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

And my seizure thing is happening now. Not a fan of it happening after I have been drinking.

WCS

Uhh… you okay?

Lothar of the Hill People

Need us to dial 911?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Arms and face went numb within like 30 seconds. Not having any breathing problems and not going full seizing so I should be fine. I just will feel shitty for 2 hours. Never had it happen when I was drinking though, that is my only worry

litre_cola

Hope you arent alone

Redshirt

My mother has epilepsy. You have my sympathies.

entropy

I have seen playing surfaces nicer than Washington’s in the Sahara.

King Hippo

You wouldn’t expect Lil’ Danny to go around SPENDING money on something other than his vanity, would ya?

Lothar of the Hill People

Frank Gore making Indy long for the days of Trent Richardson.

King Hippo

Well, that KarlosDOWN ensures my 1-3. FUCK THIS WEEKEND

Smithchez

It’s FFF week here in the NFL. We got FUMBLES. We got FLAGS. We got FUCKED UP FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS.

King Hippo

fucked up placekicking is awesome. especially when it gets so bad their teammates quit consoling them. I LOVE THAT, because I am a despicable piece of shit.

Lothar of the Hill People

Ahhh… Raiders gonna Raid.

King Hippo

I now feel rittre bettel about switching Survivor pick.

King Hippo

I love Marcel Reece’s Hannibal Lecter facemask.

Lothar of the Hill People

Crabtree is back in and playing? Wow, he got some good drugs at halftime.

Lothar of the Hill People

When I did my ankle, the only way you’d have gotten me back on the field is with hallucinogens.

Smithchez

This Indy-Jaguras game is just a clusterfuck right now.

litre_cola

Woke up from weed/hangover nap and my Eagles are winning with TD’s from the racist and geriatric Miles Austin. I knew I wore my Kevin Kolb jersey today for a reason.

WCS
John Difool

I’m not saying this Philly vs. Washington game has turned into Refball or anything……

http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/9189283.jpg

King Hippo

JAGS WOO!!!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The Bears are winning right now. Watching the game I have no clue how, and it seems like they should be down by like 14.

Doktor Zymm

Bull excrement.

JustStopDude

Anyone else think that Jay Gruden looks really fat?

Smithchez

He’s the “before cocaine” picture equivalent of Jon

The Maestro

So once again, I fell asleep on the couch for an hour this afternoon, and awoke to discover that I had missed absolutely fucking nothing.

entropy

To be fair, it’s 2018, so you missed a little.

JustStopDude

You forgot to end your comment with “ALL HAIL PRESIDENT TRUMP”

I am afraid I will have to notify the proper authorities.

ALL HAIL PRESIDENT TRUMP.

King Hippo

Gee, that wasn’t super obvious or anything, Rexy.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

I haven’t seen any highlights and my area isn’t broadcasting it, so my question is: what the MOTHERFALCONFUCK is going on in Atlanta?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Mallett and Hoyer
comment image

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Zymm… I mean Atlanta is destroying me… them.

Smithchez

Awesome play calling Buffalo. Just try four different variations of the same play to the same side.

Doktor Zymm

GOAKLAND! Cause I want cheap Bears tickets in December.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wow. just fucking awful call again against the Bears. That muffed punt that they ignored last week was bad. That call might have been worse