We were all stupid and bet on the Raiders to win as a favorite and we essentially got what we deserved. To be fair, though, a certain feline wasn’t supposed to play and we didn’t find out that he was going to play until after our bets were in. It’s not like the casinos in Vegas would say, “But of course! I understand that you didn’t think Catler would play! I know you regret making the bet. Here is your money back!”
It was an overall losing week for everyone. Oh well. On to the next one!
Balls of Steel
This week, I’m liking three underdogs that seem to me a lot better than they are given credit for. Plus, the lines on a couple of the games are outrageously high.
Tennessee is a good solid team that is bringing along Marcus Mariota in the best way possible: by having a good defense behind him and not asking him to do too much. The Bills are a disaster. Not even KSK Rex could save this team. They have lost their three home games and won their only road game. So, does that mean that they play better on the road and should beat the Titans by the 2.5 the oddsmakers are saying? Fuck no. The team they beat was the Dolphins and we all know they are absolute dogshit. Take the Titans at home plus the points. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Chicago with Jay Cutler is a lot different team than without. We saw that (bitterly) this last weekend. I’m going to try to get on the right side of history with Catler and wager on him to lead his team into Kansas City and cover the 9 point spread. Let’s hope he doesn’t get distracted on the way there.
Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Finally, I’m looking at a St. Louis Rams team that is coming off a huge road divisional win in Arizona and is now traveling to Green Bay to take on the Packers. As long as they Pack their defense (Oh God, I’m so sorry!), they will be ok. Mind you, they probably won’t win, but they should be able to cover the 9 point spread. Specially considering that rookie Todd Gurley seems to have finally broken out as many expected he would. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
WhyEaglesWhy
We really all should have known better with the Raiders. But we never do, which is why Vegas has all those purty lights and prime rib for $9.99. This week, I’m identifying teams that may be on the verge of imploding and betting against them before it’s cool. I’m sad to say that one of these teams is close to my heart. But fuck you, Eagles. I’m going to at least pick some rotting meat from your fetid corpses.
Saints +4.5 over EAGLES – I know the Saints aren’t great. But they did find a little momentum last week with the OT win and Drew Brees appears ambulatory. The Eagles play one good quarter a week on offense, which makes their surprisingly decent defense spend 40 minutes a game on the field. They’re also dealing with a lot of injuries this week, mostly to an OL that is bad when healthy. Even Rob Ryan can exploit that. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Cardinals -2.5 over LIONS – The Lions may have lost the will to live after last week’s nut shot from the officials. You’ve got to admire Calvin Johnson’s creativity in finding different ways to not score. I believe in scout terminology, he is “multiple”. “Multiple” is also the number of touchdowns the Cards will probably win by. Stakes: $22 to win $20.
Colts +1 over TEXANS – I believe the Texans are also toast for good. They simply got emasculated last week, and it’s never good when you keep rotating quarterbacks. Especially when it’s like choosing between Mountain Dew and crab juice. To quote likely Colts’ QB Matt Hasselback, I’m going to take the points and I’m going to win! Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
Hoo boy. Not only am I bad at this, I brought in a guest who was ALSO bad to lose more of my money. I’m down half of my fake investment, proving that this is not to be used for the purposes of gambling, only the entertainment of watching me fail miserably. Good lord, Catler put it in my butt here and in fantasy, which was great. Also, thanks to Alex Smith and Mr Plow for combining together to lose 1/4 of my yearly budget. To “thank” the Chefs for last week, here are my picks.
CHIEFS -9 over Bears. With the small bears heading to the playoffs against the voodoo magic Cardinals, Chicago area fans will need SOMETHING to root for this weekend. Unfortunately, they have to head to the land of BBQ to play the Chefs. After getting smacked around by Andy Dalton, Andy Reid plans to get back to basics this week. Mainly brisket. However bad the Chiefs have looked this year though, the Bears stink on ice. Just a sad collection of guys hanging around with Jay Cutler, cleaning themselves and dodging vaccinations. With most of the big Cubs team dealing with distemper and Toxoplasmosis, the Chiefs win in a laugher. $11 to win $10.
CINCINNATI -3 over Seahawks. I’m FULL ON CURSING this week. Emotional gambling? EMOTIONAL GAMBLING. The Bengals stomped all over my budget last week in the aforementioned Chief stomping. So, it’s time to pick both teams involved in that debacle, to punish them for their impertinence. Seriously. That’s my entire rationale. Also, the Seahawks look pretty bad, which is awesome, since I’m a Rams fan, but is awful because I have DangerRuss on all of my money fantasy league teams. So there’s that. Well, I’m sure that all of his nanobubbles won’t help him this week, Tyler Lockett won’t return a kick for a TD, and Lynch will be shut out. All of these things are guaranteed. $11 to win $10
King Hippo
I am really shitty at this, y’all. Gonna try my hand at three footy contests, spread the manure around a li’l bit. Breathe deep, friends!
[*Redacted] s +7 over FALCONS. Eventually, Atlanta’s little merry-go-round is going to come to a screeching halt. Betting it will be this week, either in the form of a narrow escape, or even an outright loss, for those of you who want to bet some value on the moneyline. Bet $22 to win $20.
Jaguars +3 over BUCS. The line says these are even teams, whereas mine eyes say the Jags are borderline competent at times. Tampa? Not anywhere fucking close. Rapey Jameis is a fucking disaster, as Karma would blissfully predict. Bet $22 to win $20.
RAIDERS +4.5 over Broncos. This line suggests my beloved Donks are more than a full TD better than Oakland when you factor out home field, which is goddamned ridiculous if you’ve actually watched the games these two have played to date. I could see the Raiders winning this game by a significant margin, sadly. Best $33 to win $30.
Updated tables:
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | San Diego |
Detroit | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 210.00 |
| 2 | Minnesota | San Francisco | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Tennessee | Cleveland | 1 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | NY Jets | Philly | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Indianapolis | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 207.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | Tennessee | 2.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 196.00 | |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | -11.00 | 185.00 | |
| 10 | Green Bay | St. Louis | 9 | 11 | -11.00 | 174.00 |
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Houston | Kansas City | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Carolina | Houston | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | NY Giants | Atlanta | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Cleveland | Oakland | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Miami | Buffalo | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 228.00 |
| 8 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Philadelphia | New Orleans | 4.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 206.00 | |
| 10 | Arizona | Detroit | 2.5 | 22 | -22.00 | 173.00 | |
| 11 | Houston | Indianapolis | 1 | 11 | -11.00 | 173.00 |
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Green Bay | Chicago | 7 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 178.00 |
| 2 | Cincinnati | Oakland | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 3 | New England | Buffalo | 1 | 55 | Y | 50.00 | 217.00 |
| 4 | New England | Jacksonville | 13.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 5 | Seattle | Chicago | 14.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 195.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 140.00 |
| 7 | Atlanta | Washington | 7 | 22 | -22.00 | 118.00 | |
| 8 | Tampa Bay | Jacksonville | 3 | 22 | -22.00 | 96.00 | |
| 9 | Denver | Oakland | 4.5 | 33 | -33.00 | 63.00 |
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Seattle | St. Louis | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 3 | Baltimore | Oakland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 4 | New Orleans | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 156.00 |
| 5 | Indianapolis | Jacksonville | 9 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 176.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 165.00 |
| 7 | Cincinnati | Kansas City | 5.5 | 55 | N | -55 | 110.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | NY Giants | 4.5 | 22 | Y | 20 | 130.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | -11.00 | 119.00 | |
| 10 | Cincinnati | Seattle | 3 | 11 | -11.00 | 108.00 |
http://40.media.tumblr.com/d71f13e2c8a4ec718f728546fe67ba5b/tumblr_nr72hiwCtL1qaiyl9o1_1280.jpg
Aw no! Paul Newman’s gonna have King Hippo’s legs broke!
http://i.imgur.com/G9Vn0K7.jpg
I love how even a picture of an attractive Raiders fan, has her look like she has HPV and could use some penicillin
You guys don’t seem to have mastered this whole “gambling” thing quite yet. Keep after it!
Speaking of shitty gamblers…
http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/archives/2015/10/08/october-8th/
You might remember these nutcases from their May 21, 2011 EOTW prediction in the form of Harold Camping’s Family Radio empire. Needless to say, that prophetic failure basically destroyed the “church” and drove the Rump Congregation still loyal to the Ol’ Bullfrog off the air and onto the interwebz. Funny thing is that before he croaked his last Camping said there should be no further attempts at EOTW prophecy by anyone. Enter Chris McCann, who basically forced an FLDS-type split from the Rump Congregation with this October 7, 2015 nonsense.
Not only do they not admit their failures, they double down on them.
If every day’s predicted to be the last day, they’ll have to be right sometime in the next few billion years!
Uh, Balls’ Bills Facts are actually lies.
Yeah- I was wondering how drunk I had been. Now I’m wondering how drunk BoS has been.
I’ve been pretty drunk lately, but I stand by my statement that the Bills are a disaster. New England will walk all over this division once again.
J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!
Also, is Hoyer crab juice or mountain dew?
Crab juice with MD backwash mixed in. Plus a bit of hobo semen.
And for the trifecta of comments, look at that Raider fan art. The woman’s ass is up in the air and facing the camera, and her back is twisted so much that her prodigious rack (or is it a pillow) is facing the camera, as well.
In other words, the fan art is as twisted and unrealistic as Raider expectations of playoffs this (or any other) year.
http://i.imgur.com/gWoqTgx.jpg
Oh, and I drive by that ball of twine every time we visit my in-laws. It’s even less photogenic than it looks in the picture.
Next time tie the end to your bumper and floor it.
Wasn’t someone here who pointed out that sometimes the ridiculously high Vegas lines are so high to dupe people into betting on the underdogs?
MAYBE
I’ll bet you half your imaginary funds that you’ll take this bet.