Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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John Difool

The Boo-Birds are out in Atlanta.

Spur

Lacy may be a bit overweight

Spur

Green Bay linemen are dropping like flies

Redshirt

Bengals’ DB: Legion of Derp

Col. Duke LaCross

For about ten minutes a couple years ago, the Bears had one of the best receiving corps in the league. Now, POOF, all gone. Maybe getting rid of Brandon Marshall and Brandon Marshall for nothing might’ve been a bad move.

Old School Zero

Not to mention Brandon Marshall.

Col. Duke LaCross

I tried not to forget him or Brandon Marshall.

nomonkeyfun

Kicker frag on Browns.

Hail Bleergh

Old School Zero

WHAT IS FLAGGED MAY NEVER STAND

Sharkbait

I can watch 5 games and they are all terrible.

Spur

Rams defense needs to start hitting Rodgers

Gratliff

What the fuck happened to the Saints offense?

Spanky Datass

Lack of basketball players?

King Hippo

Brees got old, they couldn’t re-sign their OL due to cap hell.

Spur

Chem trails have sapped the Seattle players of there strength

Redshirt

Seattle #72 did at least two personal foul penalties on Andy Dalton during that runback.

hippofant

Wow, is Michael Bennett ‘roided up or did Andy Dalton insult his mom or what?

Gratliff

Week of the Endzone Picks

Redshirt

There’s the Dalton I know and loathe!

King Hippo

womp womp indeed!

Lothar of the Hill People

I said this in the wrong thread.

The Bears could cure cancer. Kansas City hasn’t had a WR score a touchdown since early last season? The Bears can cure that.

John Difool

SHATTY ICE

Doktor Zymm

Quick, I’m at brunch with only the Bears game on. The [*Redacted] are ahead? Is the defense doing goods or are the Falcons just imploding? Is kirk no kirking out? What’s happening?!

Lothar of the Hill People

You aren’t drinking enough.

King Hippo

From RZC, they look to be playing really well on both sides of the ball.

John Difool

A little bit of everything you typed.

The Maestro

b r a m s a d f o r d
r
a
m
s
a
d
f
o
r
d

Gratliff

Has the Saints offense been this bad all season?

Spanky Datass
Gratliff

You’re failing wrong, Sam!

Redshirt

Don’t tease me like that Wilson! Either run all 17 yards backward into the endzone for a safety or dont!

Gratliff

DeMarco did a thing! Maybe he can throw the next endzone pick too!

King Hippo

I chose right, Andrews’ 2 leads Herron’s 0.7!! Feel the excite!!!!!!!!!

Gratliff

Tebow! Tebow! Tebow!

King Hippo

your totes being punished by Jeebus ,, ppl forget that

Old School Zero

Breaux Breaux Breaux

Gratliff

Someone with more skill than me needs to make a gif of Sam Bradford getting kicked by Zack Ryder.

Redshirt

Do you honestly think someone can find a GIF of Zack Ryder on offense?

King Hippo

WE WANT NACHO! WE WANT NACHO!

Gratliff

HOLY JESUS FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS!? I WAS KIDDING, SAM! STOP IT!

King Hippo

Hey, my Jags pick may also come through

Redshirt

Wait a minute… Dalton threw the ball away and didn’t panic and throw the ball to a completely covered AJ Green?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Gratliff

Nick Foles vs. Sam Bradford is an epic race to the bottom right now.

JustStopDude

comment image

King Hippo

God, how I miss that man. Him and Carlin were true lights in this shitheap of a world.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh bullshit.

King Hippo

yeah, there is totes no 3am random gunplay penciled in ,, smgdh

Gratliff

DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP

Gratliff

Ryan Matthews is a better back than DeMarco Murray right now. What the fuck?

...

The color guy in the Bears-Chiefs game just complimented Jay Gruden.

Somewhere, the Doktor’s head suddenly hurt.

Gratliff

Bradford in pick-6 territory.

Horatio Cornblower

Not if he shatters his knee(s) first!

Redshirt

So he’s on the field?

Gratliff

*cries*

Spur

Rams Defense have stiffened up. The Rams Offense is still dry humping the field.

Sharkbait

Turnover on downs is as good as a turnover. CBS Everybody!

JustStopDude

“Time for Mike Pettine to issue a code red”

So wait, the color guy wants Kruger and another Browns player to savagely beat, duct tape up, and suffocate a rookie?

Redshirt

As long as its not a quarterback or defenseless player, its legal!

Redshirt

Seattle’s punter was on American Ninja Warrior? Maybe they should consider trying him out in another position?

indieguy

Browns D NOT ELITE

Redshirt

Bengals are fluttering with competence, but they are stumbling on their words.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently Cardinals’ fans are mad at Joe Buck for saying he wants to call a Cubs World Series.

Never thought I’d take Joe Buck’s side one anything and yet here we are.

King Hippo

This Cardinals fan has always hated Joe Buck for being a vacuous fuckwit. Just typical Fox behavior, they always root for The Narrative.

Redshirt

♪ Hello, Darkness my old friend ♪

King Hippo

Well, at least my Deadskins/Falcons pick looks good this week. Progress!

John Difool

They kept the Falcons scoreless in the first quarter and have Matty Ice shook up. That’s more than I expected….a lot more.

Redshirt

AJ Green Touch—oh, nevermind. Reality happened.