Latest posts by Darkest Timeline Zack Morris (see all)
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Hey there, fellow Rams fans!
Well, fuck you guys. I’m only here until they move, so I can just openly root for my fantasy team in lieu of a jersey. ANYHOO, I’m here to talk about the extremely odd Rams season TO THIS POINT. So, what’s gone well, and what hasn’t?
2-0 In the Division
Somehow, the Rams are 2-0 in the NFC West, with impressive victories over the Seahawks and Cardinals. It’s incredibly odd, considering that these are two of the better teams in the conference (even considering Seattle’s post-Graham trade struggles), but I’ll take them.
Todd Gurley Is a Stud
Holy shit, Todd Gurley is going to be a STAR…. In LA. Goddammit… Regardless (Irregardless?) he’ll be fun to watch this year. He looks like AP or Earl Campbell, running angry, like a runaway motor home going downhill. He looks strong enough to tow the moving trucks to LA himself.
The Defense is Legit
The Rams’ defense is exactly as advertised. Big-time, aggressive pass rush, ok linebackers, secondary that’s… there, I guess. They’re actually fun to watch on defense, to watch Aaron Donald split double teams and Robert Quinn whip tackles.
So that’s been nice. What then, has gone wrong? Well…
They Lost To The Fucking Redskins
That happened. Holy shit. The Redskins ran all over the Rams, made millions of morons pick up Matt Jones (myself included) and actually let Kirk Cousins look effective. They couldn’t stop the stretch play, really. It was like they’d never seen it. Mesmerized.
They Can’t Move the Ball Consistently
Shockingly, picking most of their line in the last 2 drafts hasn’t led to great pass protection. Mistakes and rookie-level play has gotten Nick Foles’ ass kicked. It’s not an ideal situation, and they did nothing to alleviate the rookies’ learning curve by bringing in a veteran anywhere, only retaining tissue paper made human Roger Saffold, who just injured himself watching film. This leads to sacks, drive killing penalties, and the like. They can’t beat good teams that way, and need them to make mistakes or let the Rams score on special teams or gadget plays. Or just have Gurley stomp a mudhole in them, I guess.
They’re TOTALLY Leaving
I know, I joke a lot, but this is probably my last season as a fan of a football team. Seriously. If the Rams leave, I’m done. It’s like getting attached to a fucking stepdad at this point. You know he’s gonna beat your Ma up and steal from your college fund, but you have to watch something, and they’re the only thing available. Terrible metaphor there. Anyway, that’s the real issue with the Rams. We all know that they’re leaving, but I still root for them, because I’m a dummy. Enjoy them, LA. I’m sure you won’t get bored and stop going to the games for a whole year or two.