The Rams Bye Week Update

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Latest posts by Darkest Timeline Zack Morris (see all)

Hey there, fellow Rams fans!

Well, fuck you guys.  I’m only here until they move, so I can just openly root for my fantasy team in lieu of a jersey.  ANYHOO, I’m here to talk about the extremely odd Rams season TO THIS POINT.  So, what’s gone well, and what hasn’t?

2-0 In the Division

Somehow, the Rams are 2-0 in the NFC West, with impressive victories over the Seahawks and Cardinals.  It’s incredibly odd, considering that these are two of the better teams in the conference (even considering Seattle’s post-Graham trade struggles), but I’ll take them.

Todd Gurley Is a Stud

Todd Gurley is Awesome.

Holy shit, Todd Gurley is going to be a STAR…. In LA.  Goddammit… Regardless (Irregardless?) he’ll be fun to watch this year.  He looks like AP or Earl Campbell, running angry, like a runaway motor home going downhill.  He looks strong enough to tow the moving trucks to LA himself.

The Defense is Legit

The Rams’ defense is exactly as advertised.  Big-time, aggressive pass rush, ok linebackers, secondary that’s… there, I guess.  They’re actually fun to watch on defense, to watch Aaron Donald split double teams and Robert Quinn whip tackles.

So that’s been nice.  What then, has gone wrong?  Well…

They Lost To The Fucking Redskins

That happened.  Holy shit.  The Redskins ran all over the Rams, made millions of morons pick up Matt Jones (myself included) and actually let Kirk Cousins look effective.  They couldn’t stop the stretch play, really.  It was like they’d never seen it.  Mesmerized.

They Can’t Move the Ball Consistently

Shockingly, picking most of their line in the last 2 drafts hasn’t led to great pass protection.  Mistakes and rookie-level play has gotten Nick Foles’ ass kicked.  It’s not an ideal situation, and they did nothing to alleviate the rookies’ learning curve by bringing in a veteran anywhere, only retaining tissue paper made human Roger Saffold, who just injured himself watching film.  This leads to sacks, drive killing penalties, and the like.  They can’t beat good teams that way, and need them to make mistakes or let the Rams score on special teams or gadget plays.  Or just have Gurley stomp a mudhole in them, I guess.

They’re TOTALLY Leaving

I know, I joke a lot, but this is probably my last season as a fan of a football team.  Seriously.  If the Rams leave, I’m done.  It’s like getting attached to a fucking stepdad at this point.  You know he’s gonna beat your Ma up and steal from your college fund, but you have to watch something, and they’re the only thing available.  Terrible metaphor there.  Anyway, that’s the real issue with the Rams.  We all know that they’re leaving, but I still root for them, because I’m a dummy.  Enjoy them, LA.  I’m sure you won’t get bored and stop going to the games for a whole year or two.

So long, assholes. Thanks for the awesome 3 year run and 17 other years of shit.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.

34
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
9 Comment threads
25 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
11 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well Nighblaxabbathentropymonty this seems strange to meballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
blaxabbath

“The Rams have given the blueprint for how to beat the Cardinals.”

– Experts

Yeah, just have an absolutely brutal front line and a star rookie RB with no tape on the stud. Oh, and have Nick Foles play out of his mind (16 for 24 — 171 yards).

ballsofsteelandfury

Trust me, you have plenty of years of frustrating Rams Fandom left. The City, County, or State governments will bend over faster than a blonde with no money to pay the pizza man and will give the NFL and Kroenke what they want: a new stadium that they won’t have to pay for.

monty this seems strange to me

I CAN’T HEAR YOU I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t like your twist on a great porn theme, even though Stan has a pornstashe.

http://36.media.tumblr.com/af3a91a001ae95119ad089e166c57af7/tumblr_nqvhow6Mko1sb75bgo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good little boys play at destroying mankind.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Which team moves first?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

The Belgians are buying all our beer!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Leopold II and Congo all over again.

packman_jon

Is Miller Lite, Bud, etc, legally considered beer? In my mind, it’s soda

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What is “something I’d like to hear after me and my buddies run up a huge tab in Bruges”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Stay out of the towers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Worse than the fall of Fort Eben-Emael.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I don’t mean to threadjack, but the absurd is happening in Toronto.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

This is absurd.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Jesus, what the hell did I just watch.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

MADNESS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fort Rouillé!!

packman_jon

Someone say threadjack? Someone say….TORONTO?
http://s25.postimg.org/cjm6c2zcf/19e044yem88ftgif.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
monty this seems strange to me

Seriously though, I totally agree with you about letting go of football team fandom after the Rams leave. I might not have used the awkward domestic violence metaphor, but…

I too root for them because I am a dummy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The whole Rodger Saffold thing has been a pretty interesting “what if” case for the Raiders. At the time, it looked like a sign of complete and total dysfunction within the Raiders organization. In retrospect, it seems like Mark Davis actually did the right thing by stepping in at the last possible second and saved Reggie McKenzie from making a huge mistake.

monty this seems strange to me

Roger Saffold, who just injured himself watching film.

I know you’re kidding there. He never watched any film.