I didn’t want to make everyone queasy with a morning picture of aptly named manager Arsene Wenger (or any of their similarly hideous players), so instead I offer a slightly out-of-focus of pic of a random piece of art from my hairdresser’s shop. I am considering purchasing this as a Christmas gift for my oldest daughter, who is a cat freak, musically-inclined, and headed to college next August. Thoughts? Also, if you are ever in the Raleigh area and in need of a badass haircut, and/or your eyebrows waxed (SHUT UP, it’s not gay to not want to look like a goddamned werewolf), you are ordered to go to Devil’s Haircut on S. West Street.

Ahem, back to the task at hand. The English Premier League. All of NBC’s advertising is focused on the Manchester Derby, and yes, that’s an important game (Sunday, 10:00, NBCSN). Top of table City vs. #3 United. But the reason United won’t go back on top with a win? Fucking Arsenal, man. I can only make 4th place/Horatio’s locker jokes about them so long. They’re legit, folks. And it’s not just restricted to England – the Gooners dispatched Bayern Munich 2-nil midweek in Champions League group play. That just doesn’t happen for clubs like Arsenal. Well, it seems to be happening this year.

And with a home win over a humiliated Everton (who barely bothered to leave the dressing room in a shocking home thrashing at the hands of Manure last weekend), they will watch the Derby waiting to see if THEY will ascend to first place. This is “big boy” NBC’s featured match (Saturday, 12:30), but given what I’ve seen from my beloved Toffees of late, this one should be well in hand by the half. Tom Cleverley’s return is at least another week away, and that is the only thing this dispirited Evertonian can hang onto for any gleam of hope. Somewhere, Marty Schottenheimer’s ears are burning…

Leicester vs. Crystal Palace (USA) and Chelski vs. West Ham (NBCSN) are the best of the 10:00 Saturday matches. Everton’s slippage offers room for other sides to climb up to the upper-middle class, like the jackasses from Chelski. Hopefully, the more likeable Leicester and Hammers solidify their good standing instead. But I have grown very used to disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment, HOLY FUCK this Saturday JV dog slate…

Clemson at Miami (noon, ABC)

Da U can play da offense, so this might manage some entertainment value, at least. Clemson has enough athletes on defense (particularly in the secondary) to make enough stops to win comfortably, though. Provided they don’t get too self-aware. Their steady ass-pounding of Boston College has made me a believer, though.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma (3:30, ABC/ESPN2)

Yeah, this really, truly is the best game of the “prestige” window. Seriously, take a goddamned nap. The Red Raiders do not usually travel well, but Boomer Sooner is unpredictable as hell. As is Big 12 footbaw (Kansas excepted) in general.

Texas A&M at Ole Miss (7:00, ESPN)

No defenses need apply. Johnny Reb’s ass still hurts from that trip to Memphis.

Utah at Southern Cal (7:30, Fox)

Trap game for Team Secular Big Love. Will the Men of Troy fall to shit after the emotional loss in South Bend under their new interim coach? Or will they rally at home in true “fuck it” mode? It’s always hard to predict how fucking teenagers will react.