1. After some more thought, I’m sure the Browns are going to fuck us.

– Balls, WEW, Cleveland in 1996

WhyEaglesWhy called it in the comments last week.  Sure enough, Cleveland fucked us.  Meanwhile, King Hippo nailed his one pick for the week to jumpstart his monster comeback while DTZM was able to pull off the perfect week of not losing any money by not betting.

It’s a new week!  On to the picks!

Balls of Steel

I stayed in the lead, but barely. This week, I like the resurgent Miami Dolphins to cover the 8 points against the Patriots.  A victory would be nice.  A season-ending Tom Brady injury would be nicer. Neither of those will happen, but they should be able to stick with the Pats long enough to have Brady pull it out (PHRASING) at the end (PHRASING) and sticking it in the end zone (OK SERIOUSLY ARE WE NOT DOING PHRASING ANYMORE?) as time expires.  Take Miami +8.  Stakes: $11 to win $10

I also like Detroit going into London with Jim Bob Cooter heading up the new-look Lions offense:

Detroits new OC should just feed Megatron. Cooter and Johnson-Should be a great fit

— PFT Commenter (@PFTCommenter) October 26, 2015

Take the Lions plus the 5.  Stakes $11 to win $10.

Finally, I feel like Dallas is a disaster zone without Romo.  Doopy Pantz wasn’t the answer and Casselvania wasn’t either.  I really hope they don’t bring back Dez just for this stupid game.  This is Jerrah’s team, though, which is why I’m picking the Vikings minus 1.5 at the Bears.  Stakes: $11 to win $10.

WhyEaglesWhy

We’ve now been fucked by the Raiders and the Browns this season. Considering that they’re the Raiders and the Browns, we’ve more accurately gone and fucked ourselves. I’ll try to avoid that this week. I’ll have a lot of chances, too, because I like a lot of this week’s games.

Lions +5 over CHIEFS – I’m hesitant to make a pick on a London game, because crazy shit always happens…it’s like Thursday Night Football. Still, I’ll take the team that can sometimes score over the team that can never score. DO THE MATH, MORANS. Stakes: $11 to win $10.

BEARS +1.5 over Vikings – Short home dogs, especially in rivalry games, are like candy to me. I can’t stay away. And while the Vikings have been pretty good, they’re the flavor right now, and as Winston Wolfe said…well, he said something vulgar that applies to the Vikings. Stakes: $11 to win $10.

Giants +3 over SAINTS – I had to check this line twice to make sure the Giants weren’t favored by 3. Despite recent trends, the Saints are hot garbage. Eli will go nuts against Wolfman Rob’s “secondary” with ODB and Randle fully recovered from their ouchies. It’ll be orange slices for everyone on the Giants’ sideline. Stakes: $11 to win $10.

Bengals PK over STEELERS – The Bengals are a better team, and Ben has a history of playing like ass when coming back from an injury because he always comes back one week too soon. Stakes: $11 to win $10.

Chargers +3.5 over RAVENS – I think both teams might have given up. However, check this. The Chargers are 1st in passing and 29th in rushing. The Ravens defense is 28th against the pass and 10th against the run. This is an ambush. Start all your Chargers in fantasy. Stakes: $11 to win $10.

DTZM

PK thinks he thinks that DTZM wants to keep the non-losing streak going!  No picks this week.

King Hippo

Huzzah, the Panthers covered with minimal difficulty, despite Cam having a pretty bad night. I wish I could keep rolling with my hometown crew, but the market correction has finally arrived this week. Not quite enough for me to pick against them in this venue, but in the DFO contest where we have to pick every game, I do indeed have the Colts getting a narrow backdoor cover. My reads this week are ALL small bets (I added two more after the lines annoyingly moved against me in my original two picks), because the reads aren’t overly strong and I am most definitely “going ugly.”

Titans +3 over TEXANS. Both of these teams are shit, a half-step above dumpster fires. Without Arian Nation (no ofence), I don’t get the extra half-point (which is no longer being given, damn it all to fuck), nor do I believe very much/at all in the Texans’ imaginary home field advantage. Pinch your nose and go with Tennessee, who I suspect will win outright in a close, dull game. Bet $11 to win $10

COWBOYS +6 over Seahawks. I get that everybody wants off the CasselVANIA express, but the fact remains that Seattle is NOT a good football team, and Dallas still has a fantastic offensive line. Dallas beats the Giants without the pick six OR the kickoff return TD, and although those are the kind of events the Seachickens also thrive on…you can’t expect them to happen every week. I believe the most likely outcome is a close, low-scoring game, with both teams running the ball a fuckton. Something like 16-13 Seattle, which maths tells us is a fairly comfortable cover. Though with my lovely half-point cushion gone, the dreaded push is a clear and present danger. Bet $11 to win $10

Bucs +7 over FALCONS. Still don’t believe in Atlanta, not one little bit. Despite Tampa just last Sunday barfing up a 24-point lead to Kirk Bumblefuck Cousins, I am comfortable with the safety of the points in hand here. Would not be surprised if they won outright. Bet $11 to win $10

Lions +5 over CHIEFS. Kansas City is home, but home in fucking merry old England. For some reason, this line is GROWING, despite each team being pretty equally derpy, from their QB to their head coaches. But one of them has Megatron, and I shall back that one. What the fuck, I will back them more than minimally. Bet $22 to win $20

Updated tables:

Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200

Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200

Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200

Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200