Your “I Guess I’ll Watch-It’s Not Like I’ve Got A Vibrant Social Life” NFL Football Open Thread

Hey gang. I don’t see anything in this slate of games that makes the hair on my saggy balls stand on end. But all of us have been down this road before. It’s not the ‘meh-level’ that matters-it’s the *experience* that matters. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! And anything usually does. So let’s go out there like the jaded bastards and bastardettes we are and cheer for the ‘how was that not a catch?play, the Fatguydown, the Doink! or the Bleerg. Whatever gets you to rubbing your very own personal g spot. TO THE GAMES!

Pitt/Jax:

This was a keeper of a game once upon a time. Oh, there were playoff implications galore written all over the tilt. But then the Jags qb Bortled all over the O and the cleanup has been nasty. Perhaps signing another O-lineman from one of the league’s worst units (the Giants) will (HAH!) fix the problem.

Hou/Was:

This here’s the highlight of the package and I’ll not watch one second of it.

Cincy/Bal:

[Redshirt pulls hair out of head]

Ten/Indy:

That guy with the wonky shoulder has 26 TD’s already. If he can stay upright he’ll be fine. If you’re telling folks that you drafted te Ebron because you had a ‘feeling’, you’re lying through your yellowed teeth. You just got lucky and gotdamn, buy a new toothbrush already!

Dal/Atl:

I’m always in the mood for a Cowboys bashing. Let’s hope that the Falcons D can fix their issues defending the pass to the rb out of the backfield. They’ve been torn to shreds on that play.

TB/NYG:

Nothing to see here.

Car/Det:

Cam pulls a turkey clubhouse toothpick out of Stafford’s paw and the Detroit qb is grateful. Later, a stuffed Lion’s head is mounted on the wall of Cam’s den. Cam’s pastel-pink smoking jacket nods approvingly.

There but for the grace of football go I. “GO I, GO!”

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Fucking Steelers, waiting to see the results of the play before throwing the flags, fucking refs.

Spur
Spur

Fucking Jags.

rockingdog
rockingdog

this steelers team is a real tease at the end of this game…

Doktor Zymm

Wow, that was really close for a 63 yard attempt

Doktor Zymm

Wait, when did the Steelers scores pointses?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

They are going to bail the Steelers.

King Hippo

what a bunch of fuckers, I will cheer for the P*ts against them in the playoffs

hippofant
hippofant

Ryan Hanson’s sounding like he’s about to expire.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Damn you, Antonio Brown

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

lol “bonus coverage” of Giants-Bucs

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Why can’t we ge coverage of something better like a whole line of people shooting blood out their eyes?

King Hippo

oh, Jaguras

Gratliff

There’s gonna be a year Ron Rivera is gonna lose 16 games on gambles and he’s gonna get drawn and quartered and I’ll be over here laughing.

Doktor Zymm

#runbad

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Me too.” – Stephen Miller

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

My favorite recent tweet is that Stephen Miller is the Skull to Matthew Whitaker’s Bulk.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yo thats totally on Cam. gotta practice that throw,

Spur
Spur

Oh Eli, please throw that INT.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Going for two with a minute left to go ahead seems like a bad play to me. If it works, the other team still has a good chance to beat you with a field goal. If it doesn’t, you lose.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Lions got out Lion’d.

King Hippo

yeah, I like the call under 35 seconds or so

hippofant
hippofant

Probably increase the Lions’ aggressiveness to, since now they have to go for the FG to not lose.

Spur
Spur

Get it Cam!

Spur
Spur

Where does Flacco go from here? Washington?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was thinking of going to the grocery store, to pick up some more skim milk.

Doktor Zymm

I went to a wine event yesterday, which was super fun and I drank lots of fancy wine, but the description made it sound like there would be appetizers and other food, and there really wasn’t. So I’m actually pretty impressed with my getting home ability after 2 hours of pretty constant wine drinking on an empty stomach.

rockingdog
rockingdog

need to have cheese and crackers with the wine.

Doktor Zymm

I did have half a chocolate and a couple of croutons with an olive oil tasting

blaxabbath

Dominos has an app, you know.

Doktor Zymm

I’m imagining the scene where I get a pizza delivered to a ballroom full of wine drunks. It doesn’t end well.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yeah, I filled it out but they never got back to me.” – Ryan Leaf, referring to the Domino’s application he submitted.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GODDAMNIT DOINK WHERE WERE YOU?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Happy Jerry Jones upsets me because he could drop dead at any time and I don’t want his last moment to be a happy one.

blaxabbath

But excitement uses up some of his remaining heartbeats.

God – the number of horrible people dying in the coming years is going to make for some really epic block parties.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Kissinger will hold on through the apocalypse, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t fucking wait for Dick Cheney to go. I’m gonna stay drunk for a whole week.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Ideally, someone shoots him in the face.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nah, man, I want him to die nice and slow and in pain.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So shot gun blast of birdshot to the lower gut?

Doktor Zymm

Shoots him in the face from a distance with buckshot, so it just takes off a LOT of skin

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I mean, the guy he shot didn’t die, so we can probably half our buckshot-filled cake and eat it too

Doktor Zymm

I don’t want him to die because then someone more competent and less hilarious might take over the Cows. Although Zombie Al Davis dying didn’t work out super well for the Raiders, so maybe it’ll be okay

Gratliff

Oh man. If he could die at the Super Bowl coin toss before Dallas loses like 50-0 that would be great

Spur
Spur

FUCK! that was SOOOOOOOOOOOO close to hitting the post.

blaxabbath

Dallas Cowboys: The Class of the NFC East?

King Hippo

when they concentrate, yes

Spur
Spur

Double J checking if the League tests for Adderall as we speak

Doktor Zymm

No team with Zeke Elliott on it can ever be Class

King Hippo

Fat Kicker(OH) is nae good

Spur
Spur

Can Zeke please bust out a good run? Please?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t understand why Atlanta is bothering to call timeouts here.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Isn’t it like a gov budget, if you don’t use them all you don’t get as many the next game? -A. Reid

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

What does it say about our society that we can’t just stop once in a while to appreciate the moment?

King Hippo

keep them from taking a shot to end zone?

Spur
Spur

I’ve seen this before. Dallas is going to miss this kick.

blaxabbath

Tie!

blaxabbath

Wait – is TB running a (2) QB offense?

Wakezilla

They’re both so good, how can you possibly decide?

blaxabbath

Embarrassment of Riches: The 2018 Tampa Buccaneers Story

Doktor Zymm

I would totally watch a version of Freaky Friday where the Idiot Snyder body changed with the Crazy Jones

Spur
Spur

I dont like odds on any Dallas FG here.

King Hippo

TD to Amari Cooper? Would much appreciate

blaxabbath

I like this.

blaxabbath

I’m honestly surprised OBJ is top ten in yards this season.

Doktor Zymm

Go Lady Grays!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“GREY GO LADY!” – Ben Roethlisberger, giving instructions to lil’ Ben

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m pretty sure the information that allows me to understand this joke pushed out the memory of some joyous childhood moment.

rockingdog
rockingdog

stafford with the sick pass

Redshirt

Marvin Lewis – Genius Defensive Coordinator plans: Screw Linebackers! We don’t need them in formation!

blaxabbath

It cold here today and I bought a used bbq yesterday that I wanted to give a good cleaning. But I still really don’t want to go outside.

But I’m also not going to keep watching this bs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet it’s like 55 degrees outside and Blaxabbath is just soft.

blaxabbath

72 but my porch is in the shade.

Doktor Zymm

I really need to go buy a gas cylinder for my grill. Or drive cross country again to pick up the one I left in Chicago

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Get two at Costco, and find a propane place to fill up at. Those tank exchanges are a ripoff.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Julio Jones is God.

Doktor Zymm

How is Atlanta as a city? Worth a visit?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Only for DragonCon. Well, maybe a trip to the Varsity.

blaxabbath

So long as you aren’t heading there to vote.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I was only passing through, but I enjoyed my time there.” – William Tecumsah Sherman

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

NAMESAKE MENTION

herodotus450
herodotus450

Inanimate Carbon Rod finally erected to the Hall?

Doktor Zymm

Texans D apparently not anticipating that a team starting Colt McCoy might hand off to ball to an RB near the goal line

Wakezilla

They still think he’s the Real McCoy

Spur
Spur

Come on Jags, Kill the BEN.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

An endorsement as “the best show on television” from Uproxx does not make me more likely to watch that stupid 911 show.

Gratliff

Nor is it an actual endorsement. It was just Brian Grubb meandering on about the stupidity of the whole show.

Wakezilla

Uproxx praise SNL every week, which has gone pretty right wing, and they also wouldn’t stop promoting that shitty John Mulaney tv show. They stink!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

You should withhold your judgment until seeing their “calling the cops on people of color walking in front of my house” episode.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Mancini : Uproxx :: PFTC : Barstool

King Hippo

Again, Colt Fucking McCoy, starting playoff quartered back

Redshirt

Tim Blessed Tebow, starting playoff winning quartered back