Your “I Guess I’ll Watch-It’s Not Like I’ve Got A Vibrant Social Life” NFL Football Open Thread

Hey gang. I don’t see anything in this slate of games that makes the hair on my saggy balls stand on end. But all of us have been down this road before. It’s not the ‘meh-level’ that matters-it’s the *experience* that matters. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! And anything usually does. So let’s go out there like the jaded bastards and bastardettes we are and cheer for the ‘how was that not a catch?play, the Fatguydown, the Doink! or the Bleerg. Whatever gets you to rubbing your very own personal g spot. TO THE GAMES!

Pitt/Jax:

This was a keeper of a game once upon a time. Oh, there were playoff implications galore written all over the tilt. But then the Jags qb Bortled all over the O and the cleanup has been nasty. Perhaps signing another O-lineman from one of the league’s worst units (the Giants) will (HAH!) fix the problem.

Hou/Was:

This here’s the highlight of the package and I’ll not watch one second of it.

Cincy/Bal:

[Redshirt pulls hair out of head]

Ten/Indy:

That guy with the wonky shoulder has 26 TD’s already. If he can stay upright he’ll be fine. If you’re telling folks that you drafted te Ebron because you had a ‘feeling’, you’re lying through your yellowed teeth. You just got lucky and gotdamn, buy a new toothbrush already!

Dal/Atl:

I’m always in the mood for a Cowboys bashing. Let’s hope that the Falcons D can fix their issues defending the pass to the rb out of the backfield. They’ve been torn to shreds on that play.

TB/NYG:

Nothing to see here.

Car/Det:

Cam pulls a turkey clubhouse toothpick out of Stafford’s paw and the Detroit qb is grateful. Later, a stuffed Lion’s head is mounted on the wall of Cam’s den. Cam’s pastel-pink smoking jacket nods approvingly.

There but for the grace of football go I. “GO I, GO!”

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King Hippo

stupid Jaguras. At least I bet $30 of my $50 on 1st half ML

King Hippo

somehow, the ‘Dacteds are still 100% in the game

Doktor Zymm

It’s because they’re wearing the good unis

King Hippo

#FashionForward

Game Time Decision

Is it just me or does the head ref in the ham-ott game sound drunk?

ballsofsteelandfury

He does!!

Doktor Zymm

Steelers do zero, move the wrong way down the number line and do negative

rockingdog
rockingdog

hahaha Ben has a passer rating of 0.0

Doktor Zymm

That’s actually really impressive

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Texans Smitherception redux.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yo gabba gabbert?

Doktor Zymm

Who names their kid ‘Blaine’ anyway?

Game Time Decision

Fight at the football game and an ejection and now snow. And the db was drinking coffee on the bench. Hahaha

King Hippo

Bring Me The FLOW!!

Wakezilla

2 hours and I’M still at the fucking walk-in clinic. I will literally be in the patient’s room for less than a minute.

Urge to break shit is significantly rising

Doktor Zymm

LOL

King Hippo

Tiny Hands WOMP WOMP

Gratliff

YEAH TEXANOS

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice!!

rockingdog
rockingdog

oh yea!

Wakezilla

Anything can happen in the CFL and Hamilton is a second half team, but I think this one is over as it’s 27-6

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

That header photo hits way too close to home

Game Time Decision

You looking in through the window too?
/ waves

Game Time Decision

And next play for the Ti-cats they do a pickerception

Game Time Decision

Ottawa scores immediately so put up 14 points in about 15 seconds of game tme

Game Time Decision

Ottawa TD to full back. Nice play design

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Does any team have uglier fucking crowd shots that Baltimore? Even Cincy cameramen can manage to find the one hot-but-in-a-white-trash-kind-of-way girl with her construction worker boyfriend in the crowd.

King Hippo

holy fuck, I’mma lose to 0-9-1 side in DFO-ball

Wakezilla

They were due

Wakezilla

So, HarbARGH! loses to OSTU on Saturday, gets fired and becomes coach of the Browns or the Bucs?

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Better yet, tOSU loses and John is hired to replace Urban Meyer.

Gratliff

ffs atlanta stop being bad what happened to you

Horatio Cornblower

28-3.

Fuck ’em.

King Hippo

I’m sure Jaguras will get fucked on that call.

rockingdog
rockingdog

the heck? how does pits still have 0 points?

Fronkenshteen

Did Fitz knock Landon Collins out on that goal line hit?

Horatio Cornblower

Looks that way.

Horatio Cornblower

THIS SATURDAY, ON FOX!! HARBAUGH!!! MEYER!!!! THE DOUCHE-BOWL!!!

Wakezilla

Can’t wait to see how Michigan screws that game up

King Hippo

winner to playoffs, where we will be forced to cheer for Roll Damn Tide yet again.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Jim Harbaugh is my favorite person on the planet and I have zero interest in ever meeting him or being in his presence.

Horatio Cornblower

He seems like the kind of guy who would start a fight if you offered to buy him a drink.

yeah right

Unless it was a glass of milk.

Gratliff

holy shit rg3 is in the league

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Jackson had the flue this week; RG3 almost started today.

Doktor Zymm

You shouldn’t miss games just because you’re getting your chimney cleaned, kids today, smh

yeah right

The Jason Campbell corollary.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

You’re gonna look like a reeeeaaaaal asshole after I edit my comment.

Doktor Zymm

I think there’s some sort of rule that if you’re a super hyped QB and the Redacteds destroy your career, you get years of decently paying backup gigs.

Wakezilla

Moar like RGhasntplayedin3years!

Wakezilla

RED BLACKS are taming the Pussycats rather well in the second quarter.

King Hippo

no ofence!

King Hippo

pours one out in memory of Canyonero! jokes (ya!)

Gatoraids
Gatoraids

Alex Smith throwing too much heat for you it’s time to hang it up davis

King Hippo

Jaguras will be behind 7-6 at the half, and ALL TEH RAGE will belong to Hippo

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

Honestly, have no idea why they kicked on 4th and 3 when they are dominating the run game.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

THERE’S the Texans I know.

Horatio Cornblower

“THERE’S the Texans I know.”

Santa Ana, after the Alamo refuses to surrender

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Remember the movie Alamo where Billy Bob played Davy Crockett and they made his dying words “I have to warn you–I’m a screamer”

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

The yinzers were due for a pant-shitting performance.

Horatio Cornblower

Figures it’s the week I start their D.

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

I think they are giving up an average of 30 yards per carry if my math is correct.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Antonio Brown can continue to not score, that’d be great

King Hippo

GAMBLOR demands it

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright, I’m going to try and exercise. If you don’t hear from me in 90 minutes, send a cardiologist

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll wave a Treehouse over your corpse.

I’m not going to pour it out though; I’m gonna drink it.

yeah right

After six consecutive days of heavy exercise.

Today is a day of rest.

And chicken enchiladas.

And beer.

King Hippo

HODOR! almost with diving TD catch LOL

Redshirt

I’m the Biggest Bengals fan here, but they deserved be penalized points for that Mixon TD celebration. Not yards; POINTS.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yikes

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Was that supposed to be Stevie Wonder? Why was the guy conducting? What was another guy holding up his back? I have no idea what’s happening here.

Redshirt

In their defense, its the Bengals. They don’t have a lot of experience celebrating touchdowns.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re the only Bengals fan here.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Technically true, because I fucking hate this fucking team.

Redshirt

Pissed off Bengals fan? or Just don’t like them?

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Bengals fan that that usually quits watching around week 12

Redshirt

Got it. I’m a Keep Watching Bengals Fan. When you survive the ’93 and first half of ’94 seasons and Scott Mitchell as QB, one’s Suck Tolerance increases.

King Hippo

sooooooo glad I’m starting Amari Fucking Cooper over Beatie Mixon.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Christ I thought I was terrible at fantasy

King Hippo

I am the worst at everything, NEVAR forget!!

Horatio Cornblower

Hippo’s gonna celebrate Small Business Saturday by buying street heroin instead of CVS-bran opiates.

MAGA!

King Hippo

this guy gets it! Balance is well-important

ballsofsteelandfury

There is literally a guy named Jock Climie as the sideline reporter. I love Canadia.

Wakezilla

Fun fact: He’s a practicing lawyer and even moonlightled as a lawyer when he was a decent wideout in the CFL

Gratliff

How is this the same Bucs team that steamrolled Philly?

rockingdog
rockingdog

come on pitts defense!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

“One team goes home, one team goes to Edmonton”

Correct me if i’m wrong, Canadians, but isn’t home the preferable choice?

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Ravens looked promising. Fortunately, John Harbaugh is too smart to just continue doing a thing that is working.

Horatio Cornblower

Because, duh, that’s what the other team would expect you to do!

Redshirt

He’s pulling a Maryland. 200 yards rushing in 1+ quarter. Witness Protection Program for the other 3- quarters.

Gratliff

How long has Flacco been out? Legit didn’t know he was out

King Hippo

first week he’s missed

Horatio Cornblower

About since he signed that contract extension.

Horatio Cornblower

Greetings, yeomanry!

King Hippo

Flacco with the Mean Girls stare from the sideline!

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

It was a sad combination of angry and stoned on opiates.

King Hippo

boy howdy, do I know THAT look…

Doktor Zymm

All the conference rooms around where legal sits are named with Mean Girls quotes. It’s amazing

King Hippo

Tiny Hands managed to turn a shovel pass into a murderball

yeah right

This is a typical beginning of a game day at the “right” house.

ballsofsteelandfury

I do enjoy that we get Canadian commercials on the CFL broadcast.

WTF is a Qashquai?

litre_cola

A Nissan SUV I think.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought that was the new band with Jamiroaqai and Qadray Ismael

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
rockingdog
rockingdog

so much bacon

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

It’s kinda weird watching the Texans offense play with some competence.

King Hippo

Hopkins is always open. Even if ya have 4 guys on him.

litre_cola

Same with Nina Hartley.

Doktor Zymm

He’s too damn good for an imaginary team

Redshirt

I remember listening to Bengals radio in 2003 after 12 years of super sucking. You could almost hear the commentators crying tears of relief for seeing above average football for a change.