Your “I Guess I’ll Watch-It’s Not Like I’ve Got A Vibrant Social Life” NFL Football Open Thread

Hey gang. I don’t see anything in this slate of games that makes the hair on my saggy balls stand on end. But all of us have been down this road before. It’s not the ‘meh-level’ that matters-it’s the *experience* that matters. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! And anything usually does. So let’s go out there like the jaded bastards and bastardettes we are and cheer for the ‘how was that not a catch?play, the Fatguydown, the Doink! or the Bleerg. Whatever gets you to rubbing your very own personal g spot. TO THE GAMES!

Pitt/Jax:

This was a keeper of a game once upon a time. Oh, there were playoff implications galore written all over the tilt. But then the Jags qb Bortled all over the O and the cleanup has been nasty. Perhaps signing another O-lineman from one of the league’s worst units (the Giants) will (HAH!) fix the problem.

Hou/Was:

This here’s the highlight of the package and I’ll not watch one second of it.

Cincy/Bal:

[Redshirt pulls hair out of head]

Ten/Indy:

That guy with the wonky shoulder has 26 TD’s already. If he can stay upright he’ll be fine. If you’re telling folks that you drafted te Ebron because you had a ‘feeling’, you’re lying through your yellowed teeth. You just got lucky and gotdamn, buy a new toothbrush already!

Dal/Atl:

I’m always in the mood for a Cowboys bashing. Let’s hope that the Falcons D can fix their issues defending the pass to the rb out of the backfield. They’ve been torn to shreds on that play.

TB/NYG:

Nothing to see here.

Car/Det:

Cam pulls a turkey clubhouse toothpick out of Stafford’s paw and the Detroit qb is grateful. Later, a stuffed Lion’s head is mounted on the wall of Cam’s den. Cam’s pastel-pink smoking jacket nods approvingly.

There but for the grace of football go I. “GO I, GO!”

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Redshirt

QUIT TRYING TO TACKLE WITH ONE ARM ON THE SHOULDER PADS, YOU ORANGE AND BLACK DUMBASSES!!!!

blaxabbath

Guess the Bengals game has stared…

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Which inexplicably long tenured coach gets the ax first: Mike McCarthy or Marvin Lewis?

litre_cola

McCArthy, Lewis will never be fired.

Redshirt

McCarthy. Marvin has pictures of Mike Brown and a farm animal in sexual congress or something.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

McCarthy. There are plenty of good coaches dying to take over a historically great team with a historically great quarterback. Cincinnati smells like Skyline Chili.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Marvin Lewis Monday: “They were playing a rookie quarterback that we had no tape on. It was too unpredictable to defend against”

*Flashback to Ravens running same Read-option play 30 times in a row*

King Hippo

all this fucking non-Amari Cooper yardage…

Redshirt

Bengals are showing that all the coaching changes in the world can’t make up for the fact that a quarter or your roster is guest starring in an episode of M*A*S*H.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Cincy makes it look like there are like 15 fucking Ravens on the field at once.

litre_cola

Jesus Christ Tampa give the ball to the fucking running back.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Marvin fails to predict 11 straight running plays from a mobile rookie quarterback

Redshirt

Voice-Over Announcer: “We’ve replaced the Baltimore Ravens’ Offense with the Navy Midshipmen’s Offense. Let’s see if anyone notices.”

rockingdog
rockingdog

yea houston defense!!!!!

Redshirt

Ravens WR slams a Bengal, stands over him taunting, other Bengal backups fallen teammate.

Foul on Bengals. Thanks, BLEERGH!

Doktor Zymm

I think that’s in the Ref training manual

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m actually disappointed we didn’t get to see RGIII start for Balmore today.

Redshirt

Marvin Lewis’s Defensive Coordinator Era is proceding like everyone expected.

King Hippo

Greg Olsen. You fucks!!

King Hippo

WOO!!!!

Redshirt

Will someone shoot Vontaze Burfict and put him out of his/my misery? This horse is too hurt to race.

King Hippo

LAMAR!

/first of many

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

My cat is perfectly loafed at the moment

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why isn’t your cat loaded?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I don’t let her drink beer. She seems to like the smell of it though but I’ve never left a beer unattended for her to drink. Usually I just give her some catnip instead. She gets so stoned lol

King Hippo

Don’t guard Saquon? Interesting strategy, MRSA!

litre_cola

In my $$ league he has Eli, because of course he does…

King Hippo

Let’s go BORT!

Doktor Zymm

I will never stop finding it hilarious that the Redacteds are leading the division. They are gonna get CRUSHED come playoffs

Redshirt

It’ll be nice being on the other side of that for a change.

Wakezilla

Me thinks the refs will let some stuff go so it’s not a total embarrassment

Doktor Zymm

Actually, if they end up winning against a way better team due to some incredibly bad officiating, that might be even MORE hilarious

King Hippo

7 cups of coffee this am, now having a Red Bull (orange edition) because I’d like my heart to explode before the Donks WOO!! lose to Clippers du Merde

rockingdog
rockingdog

Wooooo!

herodotus450
herodotus450

[Adds a zero to to Hippo’s premium]
-Life Insurance agent

ballsofsteelandfury

Jesus, has Pam Oliver had a stroke? She’s speaking in slow motion…

Wakezilla

At walk-in clinic because I ran out of antibiotics and I’m still sick. Already at a 40 minutes wait and there are at least 3 people ahead of me. Fuuuuuck.

ballsofsteelandfury

At least it’s free, though. Isn’t that how Canadia healthcare works?

Wakezilla

Yeah and the drugs are cheap. Just an annoyance that I have a feeling that this is going to take hours for a fucking prescription, which will take 30 seconds for him to write

Redshirt

That’s why I like my doctor. One time I called, he was too busy for me to schedule and appt. but because my entire family goes to him, he just called in a prescription with no office visit.

litre_cola

Yes, wait forever but don’t pay.

Doktor Zymm

The Red Zone countdown is actually perfectly synched with the microwave timer, so my saag paneer will be warm exactly when Red Zone starts!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And still less cheesy than the morning shows’ jokes

Redshirt

Bengals Pre-Game Speech:

Doktor Zymm

I’ve also been on the phone with Comcast a couple times this week because my internet has been spotty, and it’s pretty entertaining that both people I’ve talked to have said something like ‘Well, I know how much people use the internet nowadays, especially me!’ They were actually both really nice, but that’s sooo corny

herodotus450
herodotus450

Heard the same thing pretty much, from a different company. Some psychologist’s advice is being heeded at these call centers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s interesting because spectrum told me it was my fault and to go fuck myself (slight paraphrase)

yeah right

You know how good the odds makers are? I took Duke + 29.5 against Clemson yesterday.

Final score 35-6. Jesus.

King Hippo

I had ’em at +28.5, godfuckingdamnit.

yeah right

Those guys? Those guys?

They’re pretty good, those guys.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In my main FF league, I have multiple people texting me unsolicited advice because everyone wants us to beat the commissioner. With AJ Green out, probably not going to happen but good to know everyone hates that guy

King Hippo

hate makes the world go round!

blaxabbath

You all in Sill’s league?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I love that Fox puts on their dumbass Rob Riggle skits about 10-15 minutes before kickoff suggesting it’s what they consider their best content

blaxabbath

I don’t like pretty much anything Rob Riggle does. I don’t dislike him but he’s really not funny.

Doktor Zymm

So, I bought an Oculus, awesome! I was going through setup, and I need to update my graphics card drivers, no prob, I should do that anyway. HOWEVER, I can’t update my drivers unless Windows is fully updated, and back in April or something Windows kept pushing an update that broke my computer display, and because MS really wants to be Apple and tries to make Windows as bloated and difficult to customize as iOS, in order to do this I had to basically surgically break Windows Update. Now I have to run a full system restore, wait for hours to download and install multiple updates, hope they’ve fixed all the crap that was breaking before, and go through loads of extra steps to get rid of crap like Cortana that they’ll install and not let you delete because of the aforementioned assuming every goddamn person on Earth wants to be treated like a child who’s incapable of making their own choices about what they want on their computer but they’re just too cheap to buy an Apple so we should make Windows just as patronizing and obnoxious, all just to update my freaking graphics drivers. I should get a job at Microsoft just so I can find the people responsible for this shit and yell at them in person.

herodotus450
herodotus450

But that vr porn is worth it.
/OR SO I’VE BEEN TOLD.

Doktor Zymm

It better be, dammit

yeah right

Ask me about my opinion of Bixby on Android.

Youngest right works for Microsoft, I’ll arrange a get together.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

My favorite reaction to this is that we’re experiencing the effects of some dumbass time traveler repeatedly stepping on butterflies.

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/25310452/cleveland-browns-want-interview-condoleezza-rice-head-coaching-job

herodotus450
herodotus450

Usually Condoleeza Rice is the one doing the destabilization of despotic wastelands.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

We might as well send the Browns to The Hague right now

Wakezilla

In all honesty, she probably puts up better winning numbers than Huey

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

“Better than Hue Jackson” is a textbook example of damning with faint praise

King Hippo

This would be hilarious! #ThePauls #MakingHer-story!

Redshirt

Personally I think she was one of the good ones in W’s Administration. That’s not saying much though…

Wakezilla

Anyone else going to watch the Canadia Fououtball Conference finals instead of the NFL today? Just me, that’s OK.

The West Conference finals are usually banana cakes with extra nuts

Fronkenshteen

DUMBASS PARLAY TIME!!
Today’s donation:
– Carolina -4 @ Detroit
– Atlanta -3.5 vs Dallas
– Cincy/Balt OVER 43.5
– NO (-330) vs Philly
– Houston (-158) @ Washington
– Arizona (-220) vs Oakland

$2 gets me $40.43

I’ll hang up and listen.

yeah right

I’ve got a 3 teamer with Carolina to cover, ATL to cover and the Titans to win.

If there are additional winnings I’m betting the family farm on my Vikings tonight.
Every. Fucking. Dime.

King Hippo

and I am in on BEARISTOCRATS!

Wakezilla

I think you’re in trouble because I like your picks outside of the Cardinals/Ray-derz selection

Fronkenshteen

That’s just a pick vs a tanking team. I believe the Oak coaching staff will actively sabotage their own team with shit play calling, and the players know it. I think David Johnson is going full bananacakes this afternoon.

[Ron Howard voice]: “He didn’t.”

blaxabbath

I picked up Christian Kirk to throw him in the flex this week.

rockingdog
rockingdog

comment image

blaxabbath

Rice is a big Browns fan.

No wonder she’s optimistic about the GOP.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Xmas Ape twitter is good twitter:
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I could barely get out of bed this morning because of the spasms in my back. No damned way I’m driving distance today, screw that.

Looks like a bonus day in FLA. Wonder what time the liquor stores open on Sundays down here.

King Hippo

hey, you can score me some black tar, I has some really excellent (and expensive) muscle relaxers to trade!

blaxabbath

I don’t know how you people live with football not starting until late in the morning.

I’m going to dive back in to Proof of Collusion.

King Hippo

Usually we watch Premiership Lesser Footy, but tis a goddamned international break.

litre_cola

No mention of the CFL? Smdh scotchy.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope that Brady and Belichick take advantage of the bye, sit down and negotiate a contract extension with Satan; might save the season.

King Hippo

JV NFL’s “action” was even shittier than the awful slate portended.

Let’s hope not a harbinger of Sunday. Or maybe we should all just end it now.

Redshirt

Cincy/Bal:
[Redshirt pulls hair out of head]

Thanks, Internet Friend.

King Hippo

PPR playing for upside. Currently going with Golden Tate (shootout, poor pass D) over He-mannuel Sanders and Beatie Mixon (bad matchups each).

Thoughts and/or gut feedback?

Redshirt

Good call. Personally, I’d avoid Southpaw Mixon until the offensive line gets better. No offensive line means no running lanes can be created, the running game can’t get established, and the offensive goes pass-wacky one-dimension when they fall behind.

King Hippo

muchas gracias!

King Hippo

also my esoteric observation – AJ Green is an underrated blocker, and they really miss that element of his game in the lineup

Spur
Spur

Morning Folks

King Hippo

it is, indeed, a morning

blaxabbath

I don’t even know who I have for the AM slate but, rest assured, it will suck.

King Hippo

I put $50 on Jaguras to win (split between half and full-time), also $50 on Iggles to beat the Saints. FUCK IT.

Whatever survives is going on the Bearistocrats!

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

Are we allowed to talk about the lesser footy, lesser competition in this thread?

rockingdog
rockingdog

yea I think so…

King Hippo

hey. y’all can talk about your morning shits if ya want

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