Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 10)

The scene: Halloween night, one year ago. Otto Man, dressed up as Spider-Man, is walking down the street.

Otto Man (singing): Otto Man, Otto Man, doing whatever an Otto can…

In the distance, a car approaches slowly.

Otto Man: Man, I’m sure glad OSZ talked me into dressing up tonight. Every bar I go to, Spidey drinks free!

The car gets closer. The sound of tinking glass can be heard.

Otto Man (singing again): Am I strong? Listen, bub, I’ve got alcohol in my blood…

The car pulls up next to Otto Man.

Sheldon #1 (in a sing-song voice, as he clacks three bottles together): Otto Man…come out to play-ay…Otto Man…come out to play-ay…

Otto Man: Who the heck are you guys?

Sheldon #1: You don’t know us, Otto Man? We’ve met…on the internet.

Otto Man: Sorry, I don’t…

Four men pile out of the car to confront Otto Man.

Sheldon #2: We’re the Big Bangers, Otto Man!

Otto Man: The…Big Bangers…?

Sheldon #1: That’s right, Otto Man! We’re the biggest fans of the best show in the history of ever! The show you always put down!

Sheldon #2: What’d you call it, Otto Man? A “retarded little nerd minstrel show?”

Otto Man: To be fair, I also called it a heaping pile of shi-

Sheldon #1: GET HIM!

Sheldon #2-4 (in unison): BAZINGA!!!

Otto Man (running away): Crap! Why didn’t I bring Covalent Blonde with me? She lives for this stuff!

As Otto Man runs, the Sheldons give chase. He goes down an alley, knocking down garbage cans to slow down the Sheldons. Fortunately, they have the agility of their namesake, and fall into a heap of angry nerdage.

Sheldon #1: You guys are the worst! Get up, he’s getting away!

Sheldon #3: Your elbow’s in my eye!

Sheldon #4: Where’s my inhaler?

Sheldon #2: I feel tingly.

Otto Man (huffing): Man, I’ve gotta get in better shape. All those years of watching the Chiefs is really wearing me down.

The Big Bangers manage to untangle themselves and resume the chase. Otto Man runs down the street, then ducks underneath a parked semi trailer. He crouches down and watches the Sheldons run by. As they turn the corner and keep running, he gets out from under the trailer.

Otto Man: What a bunch of maroons.

Suddenly Otto Man is bathed in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. He turns, just in time to see a multi-colored bus with “Anarchy Now!” spray painted on the side heading right for him.

Otto Man: Aw, fu-

The bus doesn’t even slow down as it runs over Otto Man.

Angry Girl Scout: Stay outta the road, jerk-off!

Cut to: A cemetery. It’s windy and stormy, and lightning cracks overhead. Doktor Zymm is there, with Ballsofsteelandfury.

Doktor Zymm: Here. He is buried right here.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Are you sure? How do you know his brain’s still alive, anyway?

Doktor Zymm: Because I implanted a neural transmitter in him some time ago.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting his ever-reliable finger guns): Hey, great idea!

Doktor Zymm: Indeed. Zo, if you could dig up his body, ve can proceed.

Ballsofsteelandfury (finger guns): Got’cha, Doc!

Ballsofsteelandfury begins to dig up Otto Man’s grave.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Doc…is Otto Man the only one you implanted a neural thingy into?

Doktor Zymm: Um…ja?

Ballsofsteelandfury: You lie! You implanted them in all of us, didn’t you?

Doktor Zymm: It vas just easier zat vay. I like to keep track of everyone.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Does Zach know about this?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. Und neither does he know about you melting the DFO zervers two veeks ago ven you downloaded a terabyte of pornography, correct?

The two stare each other down for a few moments.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a single finger gun): OK, then! Back to digging!

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, present day.  Sill Bimmons has just finished telling Otto Man’s tale to Darkest Timeline Zach Morris.

DTZM: Huh. So…

Sill Bimmons: We understand, friend Zach. Our tale is nigh-unbelievable…

DTZM: No, actually…you guys digging up Otto Man’s body and sticking his brain in a vodka jello shot makes perfect sense. Perfect, horrifying, sense. But what I’m wondering is…what happened to his body?

Doktor Zymm: Ach! Vell…ve decided to keep it. Vaste not, vant not, correct?

DTZM (looking at the huge figure underneath a sheet in the corner of the lab): You…kept it?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, but zat is not it. Zat is for…a different Projekt.

Sill Bimmons: We thought it best to keep Otto Man’s body in good condition, for if fortune smiled upon us and we found ourselves able to unite mind and body once again…

Doktor Zymm: So ve fitted it vith a remote control.

Sill Bimmons: Indeed! And we didst exercise the body, to keep it sound and fit!

DTZM: So, where is it now?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, Ballsofsteelandfury took it to ze park…

Sill Bimmons: Indeed, and his intentions were most noble!

Doktor Zymm: He vanted Otto to get zome fresh air. Unfortunately, zere vere kinder there, vith ze little cars und planes.

Sill Bimmons: There was evidently some crossing of signals, and…

Doktor Zymm: He lost Otto.

DTZM: Lost him…?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell, evidently Otto vandered off.

Sill Bimmons: We have searched high and low, friend Zach, but fear not! We shall retrieve Otto Man’s mortal shell, and find our time-lost comrades as well!

DTZM (sarcastically): Oh, you guys just inspire nothing but confidence.

Ballsofsteelandfury can be heard screaming from outside.

DTZM: What now?

The three head for the secret laboratory door, but suddenly all the electronics start flickering. The lab goes dark and a ball of energy appears, with a huge naked man kneeling in the middle of it. As the energy dissipates, he stands and turns toward the trio.

Naked Giant Man: I’m looking for Zarah Connor.

To be continued…