Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 10)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Halloween night, one year ago. Otto Man, dressed up as Spider-Man, is walking down the street.

Otto Man (singing): Otto Man, Otto Man, doing whatever an Otto can…

In the distance, a car approaches slowly.

Otto Man: Man, I’m sure glad OSZ talked me into dressing up tonight. Every bar I go to, Spidey drinks free!

The car gets closer. The sound of tinking glass can be heard.

Otto Man (singing again): Am I strong? Listen, bub, I’ve got alcohol in my blood…

The car pulls up next to Otto Man.

Sheldon #1 (in a sing-song voice, as he clacks three bottles together): Otto Man…come out to play-ay…Otto Man…come out to play-ay…

HRTN Sheldons 1

Otto Man: Who the heck are you guys?

Sheldon #1: You don’t know us, Otto Man? We’ve met…on the internet.

Otto Man: Sorry, I don’t…

Four men pile out of the car to confront Otto Man.
HRTN Sheldons 2

Sheldon #2: We’re the Big Bangers, Otto Man!

Otto Man: The…Big Bangers…?

Sheldon #1: That’s right, Otto Man! We’re the biggest fans of the best show in the history of ever! The show you always put down!

Sheldon #2: What’d you call it, Otto Man? A “retarded little nerd minstrel show?”

Otto Man: To be fair, I also called it a heaping pile of shi-

Sheldon #1: GET HIM!

Sheldon #2-4 (in unison): BAZINGA!!!

Otto Man (running away): Crap! Why didn’t I bring Covalent Blonde with me? She lives for this stuff!

As Otto Man runs, the Sheldons give chase. He goes down an alley, knocking down garbage cans to slow down the Sheldons. Fortunately, they have the agility of their namesake, and fall into a heap of angry nerdage.

Sheldon #1: You guys are the worst! Get up, he’s getting away!

Sheldon #3: Your elbow’s in my eye!

Sheldon #4: Where’s my inhaler?

Sheldon #2: I feel tingly.

Otto Man (huffing): Man, I’ve gotta get in better shape. All those years of watching the Chiefs is really wearing me down.

The Big Bangers manage to untangle themselves and resume the chase. Otto Man runs down the street, then ducks underneath a parked semi trailer. He crouches down and watches the Sheldons run by. As they turn the corner and keep running, he gets out from under the trailer.

Otto Man: What a bunch of maroons.

Suddenly Otto Man is bathed in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. He turns, just in time to see a multi-colored bus with “Anarchy Now!” spray painted on the side heading right for him.

Otto Man: Aw, fu-

The bus doesn’t even slow down as it runs over Otto Man.

Angry Girl Scout: Stay outta the road, jerk-off!

Cut to: A cemetery. It’s windy and stormy, and lightning cracks overhead. Doktor Zymm is there, with Ballsofsteelandfury.
HRTN Cross

Doktor Zymm: Here. He is buried right here.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Are you sure? How do you know his brain’s still alive, anyway?

Doktor Zymm: Because I implanted a neural transmitter in him some time ago.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting his ever-reliable finger guns): Hey, great idea!

Doktor Zymm: Indeed. Zo, if you could dig up his body, ve can proceed.

Ballsofsteelandfury (finger guns): Got’cha, Doc!

Ballsofsteelandfury begins to dig up Otto Man’s grave.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Doc…is Otto Man the only one you implanted a neural thingy into?

Doktor Zymm: Um…ja?

Ballsofsteelandfury: You lie! You implanted them in all of us, didn’t you?

Doktor Zymm: It vas just easier zat vay. I like to keep track of everyone.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Does Zach know about this?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. Und neither does he know about you melting the DFO zervers two veeks ago ven you downloaded a terabyte of pornography, correct?

The two stare each other down for a few moments.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a single finger gun): OK, then! Back to digging!

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, present day.  Sill Bimmons has just finished telling Otto Man’s tale to Darkest Timeline Zach Morris.

DTZM: Huh. So…

Sill Bimmons: We understand, friend Zach. Our tale is nigh-unbelievable…

DTZM: No, actually…you guys digging up Otto Man’s body and sticking his brain in a vodka jello shot makes perfect sense. Perfect, horrifying, sense. But what I’m wondering is…what happened to his body?

Doktor Zymm: Ach! Vell…ve decided to keep it. Vaste not, vant not, correct?

DTZM (looking at the huge figure underneath a sheet in the corner of the lab): You…kept it?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, but zat is not it. Zat is for…a different Projekt.

Sill Bimmons: We thought it best to keep Otto Man’s body in good condition, for if fortune smiled upon us and we found ourselves able to unite mind and body once again…

Doktor Zymm: So ve fitted it vith a remote control.

Sill Bimmons: Indeed! And we didst exercise the body, to keep it sound and fit!

DTZM: So, where is it now?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, Ballsofsteelandfury took it to ze park…

Sill Bimmons: Indeed, and his intentions were most noble!

Doktor Zymm: He vanted Otto to get zome fresh air. Unfortunately, zere vere kinder there, vith ze little cars und planes.

Sill Bimmons: There was evidently some crossing of signals, and…

Doktor Zymm: He lost Otto.

DTZM: Lost him…?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell, evidently Otto vandered off.

Sill Bimmons: We have searched high and low, friend Zach, but fear not! We shall retrieve Otto Man’s mortal shell, and find our time-lost comrades as well!

DTZM (sarcastically): Oh, you guys just inspire nothing but confidence.

Ballsofsteelandfury can be heard screaming from outside.

DTZM: What now?

The three head for the secret laboratory door, but suddenly all the electronics start flickering. The lab goes dark and a ball of energy appears, with a huge naked man kneeling in the middle of it. As the energy dissipates, he stands and turns toward the trio.

Naked Giant Man: I’m looking for Zarah Connor.

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Please Login to comment
28 Comment threads
53 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
15 Comment authors
monty this seems strange to meBeastmode Ate My BabynomonkeyfunSill BimmonsWCS Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
entropy

So the Ice Stillers made it right for that who had his puck intercepted by garbage human fake-PK last night, which I am all in favor of them doing, but did they do anything to the scumbag who stole the puck? I don’t want him banned or anything (how could any fans treat him to some old-fashioned justice if he can’t go to the games?), but they should do SOMETHING. Use him as the Goofus example in a quick video shown before giveaways, such as, “Gallant assists those around him with getting free team swag, like this child or this man in a wheelchair… Goofus trips this single-amputee veteran holding a puppy to get a free beer coozy. Don’t be a Goofus, and if you see someone *else* being one, kick him in the balls. Hard. With steel toe boots, preferably, which are available at our concession stand for just this purpose.”

WCS

As you can imagine this was TEH HAWT TOPIKK on Yinzer radio today. Apparently, the Penguins do want to identify this guy, though he remains unknown. I don’t know what steps they’ll take if/when they do uncover his name. Apparently, after the game was over, he yelled at the kid, and waved the puck as if to taunt him. It’s also rumored he went to the casino afterward and was bragging about it.

KDKA, the local CBS affiliate also has one of their investigative reporters looking for the guy. It’s kind of a slow news day around here.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I watched it happen live. It was totally fucking surreal.

I still can’t believe he did that.

When his name gets out I hope my fellow Yinzers go Cecil The Lion on his ass.

/maybe not quite that bad but somebody should definitely TP his house right before it rains

nomonkeyfun

He should be visited by many Simpsons steel workers… right in the ass.

My geat dreamest in life is to catch a homerun . Unless it was a HR hit bymnephew or kids favorite ball player I would never keep a ball even a screaming line drive.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I live on a road that is frequently traveled for a 2 lane, 25mph speed limit, neighborhood road. There are no sidewalks on either side, though on my side is a wide shoulder lane that is the bike/pedestrian path. There are also so many trees, that street lighting is not very effective. I live on the last house before this side of the street ends in tress and bushes (or first house from the other direction).

I tell you all this because I expect that I will be astounded when dumb fucking parents are walking their kids along this road to my door to trick or treat; because there are dumb fucking people in this area. I’m just gonna sit on my deck, all curmudgeonly, drinking my scotch, yelling at kids.

http://img.pandawhale.com/121658-so-I-got-that-going-for-me-whi-eJA1.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

From now on, let’s leave the custody of corpses in the hands of the scientists only, OK?

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey! It’s not my fault Mila Kunis was jogging in the park that day!

comment image

entropy

From something called “The Jameson Bartenders’ Ball,” which is apparently held in Las Vegas and has just shot up to the top of my vacation list:

comment image

entropy
entropy

Because it might not get seen seeing as how you’d have to scroll, I am re-posting this at the top of the comments:

I just found this at my local liquor store, and may already be somewhat in love:

http://www.bowstreetmarket.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Jameson-Caskmates-Pic-1.jpg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I want this.

entropy

I had to go upstairs to my “real” computer, the one I use for photoshop and all that kind of thing, so as to be away from the siren song of the bottle, because if I open it now, it won’t make it to the party (that, or I won’t, which is about the same thing).

I’ll give a review either tomorrow or tonight when I get home, dependent entirely on how wrecked I am upon returning.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I may have to go and get some for tonight/tomorrow. Even if just for those glasses…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

On my trip i followed two women in minivans with kids that couldn’t stay in their lanes if they gave all their effort in the world and cop which immediately makes me panic sweat, he was speeding and also not driving straight, It was side roads in a not huge town. The cop looking drunk or eating Wendy’s was shocking, not the moms.

entropy

Every St Patrick’s Day in my town, the bars open super early (not just for the drunken revelers, I’m talking like 6 AM early) for the cops/firefighters/first responder types to get in there and eat their Irish breakfast specials and down pitcher upon pitcher of booze… *before* starting their shifts.

I find it both hilarious and somewhat disturbing, because if anything ever really goes wrong on St Pat’s, EVERYONE is fucked.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is it ok to go to the shitty cig and shitty booze stores respectively still kind of drunover? ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJHGFEDCBA. ::Stands on one foot:: ::touches finger to nose::

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Just error after error while I am sober. I should get drunk ag… never mind

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I use chrome so when I sign into gmail I feel it should be implement and when they just told me my password wont work. I just got angry and changed it to some variation of “howaboutyougofuckyourselfgoogle”, it accepted that even though it has no numbers or caps even though it bugged me about that shit to redo my password. I have to wait an hour to change. Feel free to try to get to my email for now, Not much there.

entropy

Fun fact: passwords of more than four complete words, without special characters or caps, are almost infinitely harder to crack than the special rules passwords, and yet no one wants to implement them anywhere for reasons that are quite beyond me. They are also easier to remember, seeing as how you can create a full sentence around said combinations. Again, smart ideas are ruined because people won’t believe that simple is better than shit that looks cool like “Fu(kY0u!H@xx0r5!”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok. Show of hands, who was the dick kid that stole the whole bowl of candy at the “take one” house? I won’t hate you I will actually admire your honesty if anyone does.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

even if no one else does* turned off ghostery and adblock still no button

Cuntler
Cuntler

I feel like those houses/apartments always left out shitty candy, like Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, or those weird blank and orange wrapped peanut butter candies. I would dump the whole bucket if it was Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or something, but it never happened that way.

pictured: the Devil’s candy
http://whateverblog.dallasnews.com/files/2012/10/candy.jpg

monty this seems strange to me

If you are going to disparage tootsie rolls, I will have to say Good Day to you, sir.

I SAID GOOD DAY.

Cuntler
Cuntler

Tootsie rolls are perfectly cromulent, but are not ELITE, like their cousin, the Tootsie Pop. Mostly because they get really hard if you don’t eat them all within two days of getting them. Finally, let us all not forget that you are a Cardinals fan, so your judgment is already very, very bad.

entropy

The sheer amount of correctness in this comment is staggering.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That first image of Warrior Sheldon is one of my favorite things that have ever been posted on this site. Ever.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Otttttttttooooo Maaaaaannnnn, come out to plllllaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

entropy

That pic is pretty damn funny.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I think I have to go get candy for the house and hand it out to kids today or tomorrow. Rooting for snow. I am willing to be annoyed by nice kids but hate giving it to dick kids. You can’t say “hi” or “trick or treat” and you ask for a handful, No that is for the cute kids loving the holiday. They can take 5 because the dick kids stole the bowl of candy from the “take one” family

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I mentioned this before, been the door guy since I was like 12.

monty this seems strange to me

At first I thought, I know it’s easier to sit here and mess around on DFO instead of working.

There is no second part.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

At first, I was like derp.

My result was the same.

monty this seems strange to me

I acknowledge that the structure of my comment was inspired by your avatar, Sill.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Going for more ice in my drink and a cig, Probably let the pups out again, Be back in 10ish,

Enrico Pallazzo

I remember when I ran into The Big Bangbussers…great night.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Bang-zanga?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Wait, no, I’ve got it!

BU-BANGA!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Nothing like that ever happens in my neck of the woods.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

@entropy did you just edit your post 3 times, The one about drinking. I thought I saw at least 2 ending in prepositions because my refresh knocks me down

entropy

Nope, never edited any post on this site. I did just get back from a lunch date, and after going to a second liquor store I found this:

http://www.bowstreetmarket.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Jameson-Caskmates-Pic-1.jpg

I am now starting a new holiday I’m calling Hallowhiskey. It will be celebrated whenever I feel like downing a bottle of Jameons with or without friends, real or imaginary. Hooray for incipient dependency issues!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I shall join you in celebrating this wonderful holiday.

entropy

My goal is to make this a Facebook holiday, like Talk Like a Pirate Day or something equally asinine, but way more fun.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Still miss the edit button. Still feel shame for ramblings last night. Still want to go the the box

monty this seems strange to me

The edit button is there, it’s just hard to see. Put your cursor just to the right of the timestamp on your comment, and see if it doesn’t show up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yeah not there on chrome. I have adblock and ghostery on though, could be just be that

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I might type better drunk… I type better drunk.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Did I not mention I felt shame enough to leave? I really was gonna leave I love you fuckers. (but I hit refresh)

entropy

Fuck aaaalllll that, take two.

By the way, I’m off today and I have more whiskey. Is 10:20 AM too early for a shot? Because that bottle is fucking eyeballin’ me something fierce and it needs to be taught a lesson.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Never trust me on when to take a shot. Take a shot now.

entropy

Too late. Begun, the Weekend Binge Drinking has!.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Got in before you could admit your where in. I call it a win

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I miss the edit button

entropy

pouring drinking typing = one minute. We were even at best, but tie goes to the drinke— I mean runner.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I poured one this morning just in case I had to paint my deck. Also did the temp hangover thing

entropy

I am sooooo happy I don’t get hangovers.

Horatio Cornblower

‘The Big Bang’ playing a role in Otto’s demise-sniff-he would have wanted it that way.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The GOP feels a little left out…

monty this seems strange to me

I got coffee at a convenience store this morning and SHE GAVE ME MY CHANGE IN THE CORRECT MANNER! Clearly the clerk reads DFO.

entropy

BEHOLD THE REAL WORLD IMPLICATIONS OF DFO!

Now if only some team would read this and take Brady the fuck out….

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Have the thousands of bytes PK has spent on beer and coffee criticism made a single difference? Ergo, we are bigger than King (culturally)

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

MAYBE

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If I picked a way to absolutely shame myself away from a site I would have picked a much better way than drink too much on post 10 of a series on a site that I admit I almost never read before or never caught up with before. No, this was perfect and deserving.

entropy

Fuck that, I impressed with your typing if you were that drunk. Besides, this is DFO. We live on shame. I mean, have you SEEN who some of us root for?!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m impressed with your comeback after what appears to be less than 4 hours of sleep.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That one is just always I hop pack on that. Working 2 just SHITTY jobs for 60 hours a week you get sober quick. The one thing that stuck with me without a job

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I enjoy that benefit along with only a slight drawl compared to my normal voice while drunk. Too many video games drunk gave me that. Not lying they could tell I was sober when I couldn’t form a sentence as well as drunk.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Shit, Type with* Meant that to be first.

See that stuff is where I fail before anything else and that is where I shine

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Zymm I missed on everyone. I wan’t a song

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If I miss on WCS blame it on me. That was on me

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I tried they are dick, Never trust them

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have watched a show that I have watched twice in the last 22 days. No one else will watch

WCS

Technically speaking, Otto’s body got high, and just sort of wondered off…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Why are out up.We need to decide whats up?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have tom petty https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKUBlwVgVYc That was my first shut up

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

ZOMBIE TOWELIE