On Spetember 9th 2015 I worte a preseason outlook of the Houston Texans. The link to that orginal post in its entirity is below. Intersected between the original paragraphs are updates, basically I am fisking my own blog post.

MEH!

The existence of the Houston Texans is an existential question. If a team can nearly makes the playoffs, yet no one is there to watch them or make any noise does the team truly exist?

Ha Ha Ha get the joke yet?

I went to a Houston Texan’s game back in 2004. The Texans were hosting the Minnesota Vikings. This game went into overtime people! Randy Moss, Andre Johnson, and Marcus Robinson all had a two-touchdown game. The Vikings fans came dressed up in face paint and crazy horns with blonde wigs. While the Texans fans… We’ll the women all had fake blonde hair, and some people wore something that was red white and blue or a David “I don’t Like Sacks” Carr jersey. Oh, but you had to be there. Houston played in Reliant Stadium, in 2004 that stadium was the loudest stadium in the country! They prided themselves on causing other teams to blow through timeouts or get a delay of game penalty. The energy was well flat. I fell asleep in the stands before halftime because it was 14-0 Vikings, and you could hear a pin drop.

Ok, what the hell does this even have to do with the 2015 Texans? Who wrote this stuff?

But Duchess Texas is a pretty big Football state I mean I hear all the time it is a religion. I find it hard to believe no one cares about the Texans.

Oh no, believe me, football is important to the state of Texas, but there are different types of football fans….

Blah Blah Blah nobody cares about the Texans, but have you heard of Texas HIgh School Football or the Cowboys? Thanks for the in-depth writing here Peter Berg. What? No funny anecdotes about Mack Brown?

The Texans are so bland that people forget they went 9-7 last season and almost made the playoffs. If you were to ask people at a Houston Texans game to name last season’s starting quarterback, 95% would say Matt Schaub. In fact, I wager if you ask that same question this season, Matt Schaub would still be the number one answer you got. The Texans are so bland I have written the majority of this post about other teams and not once have you thought “Hurry up and get to the part where you talk about the Texans.”

Look Fitzpatrick started last year and he soon brought his Harvard Magic to New York and the Jets were off to a pretty damn good start and possibly still can make the play-offs (you don’t need your left thumb to hand the ball off,right?)

Anyways, Brian Hoyer is your starter this year. You may remember him from his literal and figurative no-win situation last year in Cleveland. He had to carry a team of under achieving underdogs while at the same time fend off some drunk, entitled party boy from  a gated community in Surbia, USA. Hell, had the Browns made it to the playoffs or a game short (and it been 1992) Tri-Star pictures would have made Hoyer into the next Rudy (except his teammates would actually like him). Sure this time he had to battle off Ryan Mallett  but he is gone now after missing team meetings and planes and basically caring less about football than Cutler does about his children (kittens are supposed to be young independents). Hoyer has only missed 2 games this season and is #22 in total passing yards (Top 10 had he played those 2 games with his average of 250yrds per game) and granted saying “but he has thrown less interceptions than Eli Manning, Andy Dalton, and Jay Cutler” usually isn’t that hard to do, but realize they have only thrown 4 each. Hoyer has some talent and should not be taken lightly.

Roster Outlook
Now they may have lost their best WR Andre Johnson and Arian Foster hurt his groin but, fear not, they did draft a Cornerback from Wake Forrest in the first round. Vince WIlfolk joins J.J. “Red State Gronk” Watt  and Jared “I’m no J.J. Watt” Crick on the D-Line, add a healthy Clowney on the Outside with Brian Cushing and Benardrick McKinney on the inside and the Texans have put together a solid starting seven that could even make PFTCommentator proud.If the offense can resemble something competent and get the ball into DeAndre “I Fear God” Hopkins’ hands then they will have another quiet but quality year.

Seriously this article was about 500 words and you spent 50 actually talking about the current team? Jesus, way to make Peter King look like Doctor Z. you freaking hack. Anyways, let us all bask in the glory of your wonderfully indepth talent assessment.
• Andre Johnson -Texans actually look smart here they  let an aging WR who has yet to have a meaningful impact on his new team go rather than pay him for nostalgic reasons. Good for them.
•  Arian Foster – Hurt his groin then tore his ACL. Some may call that Kismet, others divine intervention, Arian Foster just calls it an unfortunate coincidence. Too bad they have yet to find a sturdy back-up RB.
• Texans Defense – Such a killer defense allowing 350 yards of total offense and over 20 points a game… Way to stick it to them. Granted most of that damage was during the two games Mallet attempted to play QB.
• JJ Watt – At just 26 yrs old, he is number 80 on the career sack leader board and #17 of all active players.  Putting to shame players like JPP, Greg Hardy, Michael Bennett, Chris Miller and Nadamntimnotgonnaspellhisname Suh. Current active all time leader is Jared Allen and it took Allen 6 full seasons to out do what JJ has done in 4.5 (He is still behind the production of Reggie White, well except for that whole hating gays thing).
• DeAndre Hopkins – Have you seen this guy play?  Of course not he plays for the Texans that’s a stupid question. However, he and Julio Jones are  having monster years both on pace to finish the season with over 1,700  receiving yards. The closest person to them just lacerated his kidney trying to keep up and is still over 100 yards behind them. Hopkins leads the league with 54 receptions for first downs which means something only on paper and in the bat-shit crazy 20 team fantasy league. All the Texans need to do is put the ball in his hands and let him take them to the promise land.

Prediction:

A slow start, but end on a high note. Another 9-7 season, but still no playoffs.

3-5 can constitute a slow start, but can they make it 9-7? Short answer, No. True, they are currently tied with the Colts for first place in their division (Colts have the head to head tie breaker so are they really tied?) Their second half of the season does not look like fun. They have the undefeated Bengals coming off their bye week and then have to battle the AFC East and the resurging Saints before finally ending their seaosn against their divisional rivals. Mark my words  coming off the bye I can see the Texans be a trap game against the Bengals. Also, if Fitzmagic is not playing for the Jet’s they may have a real shot. winning that game  too. However, other than that maybe they can go undefeated in divisional play? Leading to a best case scenario of 8-8 with a shot of winning the AFC South and a worst case scenario of 5-11 with a possibility of winning the AFC South. So In closing.

The Texans WILL make the playoffs IFF the Colts do not wake the F up from their current funk.