Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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Latest posts by The Maestro (see all)

Was last night the most watchable Bengals-Browns game in a long time? I don’t actually know, as I didn’t get a chance to watch – I was busy being a good son and picking up my parents from the airport after a three-week vacation to Australia. Regardless, was nice to see that 25.8 points Tyler Eifert put up for me – gotta love a 3-TD game from a tight end. Now, if only they weren’t running a platoon for their RBs. Oh well. Pobody’s nerfect!

At any rate, this week, having had to sit through a whole recap of everything they saw and did while down under, it’s clear to me that my parents and I have far different opinions on what constitutes a good vacation. Don’t get me wrong, seeing the outback and eating kangaroo and emu are totally sweet, , but the fundamental purpose of a vacation changes both A) as you get older and B) when you get married. Three weeks in Australia as a young man would mean trying to pull as much local tail as my body would physically allow, whereas being a married couple close to retirement, I guess your main joy in vacationing is in, like, haggling over shoes in a market or something. I dunno. All I’m saying is I had a bunch of time to reflect on how I wish I had the money and time to head to exotic destinations after hearing about this trip. Maybe I’d get some extra income if I started getting really in depth into some DAILY ONLINE FANTASY SPORTS. HEY DOES ANYONE KNOW OF A WEBSITE WHERE ONE MIGHT PARTAKE IN THAT AND ARE THERE ANY PROMO CODES I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT

Anyhow, onto the real #content of this week!

Do you think Vernon Davis has a chance to really make a meaningful contribution to the Broncos offense? Or do you think Peyton is over the hill enough that it’s just not worth it to grab Davis off waivers?

I said in a previous mailbag that I was definitely disappointed in Peyton’s performance to date; it remains all the more impressive that the Broncos beat the Packers pretty much almost entirely on the strength of their defense. That said, they are playing the Colts this week…

But in all honesty, I’m not sold he’s worth the pickup, for a variety of reasons:

  • Peyton has enough other weapons (Thomas, Sanders, etc.) that the end result is just him spreading around the ball a lot. If you have Peyton as a QB, then power to you, but obviously that’s a takeaway due to him having so many viable targets at any given time.
  • One of the reasons it’s so rare to see big trades in football is simply due to the fact that it takes so much time to learn a new playbook. Are we confident that Davis is comfortable enough with the Broncos’ O in a week of practise that he can contribute meaningfully? And if not, and he still plays, where’s the guarantee he’s simply not just a checkdown option, or even worse, an additional blocker? You can’t win a matchup nickel-and-diming two and three yards at a time, unfortunately.

I’d say no to picking him up just now. I think it’s still too early for him to have learned his role in Denver just yet.

Seahawks are on a bye this week. I’m in an 8 team 2-QB league, with Wilson as my 2nd QB behind Roethlisberger. I can pick someone up this week. Winston, Cutler, or Teddy. What say you, Maestro?

Winston. Drew Brees threw for SEVEN FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS against the Giants last week. Jameis doesn’t need to do that for you to be worthwhile for you. The Giants’ D is terrible. Even with JPP coming back soon, they’re still gonna be bad. Expect points.

Now, sexy times! [Side note: STILL NO ANAL QUESTIONS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, STEP UP YOUR GODDAMN GAME HERE. MATT IS DISAPPOINTED SOMEWHERE, I KNOW IT]

So I’m 30 and thinking it’s probably finally time to propose to my GF, and while I do love her deeply, it’s been an incredibly stressful time for me as her elderly mother has been living with us for the past ~8 months, and won’t be leaving anytime soon. And unfortunately for me, she’s an utterly demanding terrible bitch. She’s got chronic pain and needs a lot of assistance (which my GF deals with mostly), which I should feel bad for, but despite the fact that we’ve opened up our home to her, she still doesn’t like me at all. I’ve been trying to do well for her daughter (and I think I’ve done pretty good at it), but not only is she never satisfied with how I’m working to support the two of us (and now her), she is purposefully just trying to occupy my girlfriend as much as she can. This means I’m not getting laid at all, pretty much. Or spending like essentially any other quality time with her, really.

The whole situation blows. I love my GF, and I’ve told her how I feel about her mother, and she completely understands. But at the same time, she also still loves her mother, and can’t just send her away from living with us – none of us have the money for her to live in a retirement residence with care. So I feel fucking stuck, and I just don’t think I can keep this up much longer. What can I do?

Man, dude. Holy fuck. That is just a shit sandwich all around. I’m really sorry about all this. Well, a few things: the fact that your girlfriend is already aware of your feelings and acknowledges them is a good start. That’s a positive for sure.

One of you or your girlfriend needs to have a serious chat with her mother. If you’re still struggling with getting along, ask her to do it on your behalf. I know it’s a hard role for a child to have to lecture a parent instead of vice-versa, but that’s unacceptable behaviour from her mother while she is living under your roof. Part of that chat needs to involve your girlfriend invoking some extremely clear rules about what can be said and done – she doesn’t have a right to talk shit about you while you’re the primary provider for the family. As well, she needs to figure out a balance for her daughter – there’s more than one person that loves her living in the house, and some kind of compromise needs to be figured out. She needs to put her foot down and not be treated as a doormat – she needs time to look after herself, and time to spend with you too, doing… whatever it is that makes you happy, I guess.

If her mother loves her daughter back, she’ll figure out something, even if it’s at her own expense. Otherwise, you’re probably living with a narcissist, and that’s another situation entirely. The answer to deep-rooted psychological issues lies faaaar beyond my scope of knowledge, unfortunately.

Beyond that, not much more I can say. Crazy comes in all forms, and I just hope that it’s not passed down genetically, for your sake.

Good luck with your weeks, and happy footballing!

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to dfo.submissions@gmail.com or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/
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JerBear50Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryKungjitsuentropy Recent comment authors
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JerBear50
JerBear50

” I’m in an 8 team 2-QB league”

Somewhere, Ufford just spat in disgust.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Broncos beat the Packers pretty much almost entirely on the strength of their defense” So you didn’t watch the game. You didn’t see that the Donks, held the ball, rushed and passed very well against the number 1 scoring defense and kept their own defense fresh with long drives? WTF?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Davis won’t fit in the offense for at least four weeks, and even then they will gradually incorporate him with more plays every week. They traded for him to help in the playoffs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

…. like you said.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

How old is the mom? If she was to suddenly not be alive anymore one day soon would your girl ask a lot of questions, and if she didn’t like your answers would she involve professional investigators vis-a-vis the Po-leese?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“How old is the mom?”

This question also ……….. arises ….. on the Pats thread.

entropy

Wait. You actually told your GF you hate her mother and “she understands?” Holy shit. This woman sounds mythical. Does she live in Canada?

scotchnaut

[skims post]

“Anal with Vernon Davis’ mother?” No thanks. Why would you even think about that sort of thing?

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Oof, I’ve dealt with that before. I removed myself from that situation… badly, but I’m definitely not someone to imitate, because I’m an asshole. Maestro’s advice is spot on, the best and really only option is open communication between all 3 of the people involved. If everyone can be an adult about it, a compromise can be found. The other benefit of opening up that communication all around is you’ll then know where your place is in all of it and can choose your own path from there.

blaxabbath

Don’t propose. Make it clear that it is because of her mom. Let this be the wedge that drives them apart.

Promo Code: Anal. That’s: …….Anal.

(I hate the moment just before they repeat the code).

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

“Let this be the wedge that drives them apart.”

See if you can get the mom hooked on oxycontin while you’re at it.

ballsofsteelandfury

The mother will never change. Trust me. The answer, as it is for many situations, is buying tints for your car and banging there and away from the house. It’s your only hope.

King Hippo

Spoken like a true Mexican, , no ofence!!

ballsofsteelandfury

So true, you don’t even know.

King Hippo

Steal her Vicodin? Call it even.