Your Sunday Afternoon Early Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Ten: After 7 weeks the Raiders were 4-3, had a dynamic, explosive offense and were forcing folks to modify their hot takes with respect to the team. Three consecutive losses have since occurred and the O has dried up somewhat. They should get back on the right path versus the Titans just like 8 other teams have. If the Titans lose again they can blame it on the rain. Apparently it’s coming down hard and will continue to do so thru gametime. Some Titan fan sites have already called it a year and have focused their attentions on the coaching search. The general consensus is that Hue Jackson will be piling up the losses next year.

Buf @ KC: Tyrod is 3-1 on the road and if he is able to pull off the voodoo that he do in KC the Bills playoff chances rise from 36% to 65%. Of the Bills D-line only Hughes is completely healthy and ready to go today. Has HC Reid figurated things out? The Chiefs remind me of St. Joan of Arc-they’re on fire. They’ve won 4 in a row by a combined 91 points. QB Spaghetti Arm hasn’t thrown a pick in 7 games and the team has no TO’s at all in the last 4. Add in 12 takeaways during the same time and you’ve got a victory stew going.

TB @ Ind: Here’s another matchup of 5-5 teams but they appear to be ships passing in the night that aren’t having sex with each other but are headed in different directions. Tampa is 3-2 with one of the losses being a 1 pointer to the Slurs. QB Winston  has gone bananas since wk 6-his QBR trails only Brees and Palmer in that time period. The Bucs have forced a TO in 17 straight tilts and the Colts have an NFL-leading 22 of them things. Old man Gore looks to become the Colts first 1,000 yarder since Addai did it way back in 2007. That’s quite a long time to go without an effective run game. (not that I’m saying that these Colts have an effective run game, mind you)

NYG @ Was: This heavyweight tussle puts all the other games this week to shame. It’s the highlight of the 1pm slate. Why? Because you won’t stop masturbating no matter how much I implore, that’s why. The Giants need this game to create a two game buffer between themselves and the Slurs which would then mean that the latter would almost have to win out to win the division. This is not unrealistic ’cause they’ve got the Boys twice and the “Let’s give up on the Season” Iggles. RB Morris and his 404 rush yards looks down condescendingly at Giants RB Jennings and his paltry 403 yards. Giants fans the world over yell in unison, “Give the ball to Darkwa, you old fart!”.

NO @ Hou: The Saints are 4-6 but they feel like a 2-8 disaster. Now that Rob Ryan is coked up full time the Saints D will turn around, right? New DC Allen had a whole two weeks to fix a fundamentally flawed unit that no doubt will have no answer to the question, “DeAndre Hopkins?”. The Texans have cobbled together 4 wins in their last 5 outings and will end up the winners of the AFC South because the universe is meaningless.

Min @ Atl: Minny is another team that has pulled out 4 of the last 5. GB’s loss on Thursday allows them to gain a game in the fairly tight NFC North. First things first though-can CB Xavier Rhodes handle the force of nature that is WR Jones? RB Freeman can’t go so Coleman will man the backfield. Early in the season it looked as though he was going to surpass Freeman but then got injured and Freeman went nuts. He’s a speedy back that will look to break a long one.

StL @ Cin: QB Keenum opted to be concussed rather than be a part of the on-going disaster that is the Rams O (Gurley being the exception). QB Foles, who the Rams have completely given up on, is back to provide baffling decision-making, timely interceptions and barely discernable leadership. WR Bailey is doubtful. Meanwhile, Cincy’s O just keeps rolling along. Their only two losses were by a combined 7 points. WR Green has a chance to go over 1,000 yds. for the fifth straight time since entering the league. The record belongs to Moss at 6. DE’s Dunlap and Atkins have made plans to have an extended light lunch in the Rams backfield today. They’ve invited other team mates to drop in and say “hello” as well.

SD @ Jax: You could sum up the entire Chargers season using only 2 letters. It would go something like this-W, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L, L. Remember Jimmy Smith? Back in ’05 he was the last Jax WR to grab 1,000 yds. Ten years later Robinson is poised to do the same. What’s more, Hurns looks to join him in a few weeks time. I never thought that Bortles would be this kind of enabler.

Mia @ NYJ: Revis is out with a head oucher so the Fins QB should have an easy time of it. NOT SO FAST. This is Lauren Tannehill’s husband you’re talking about. Actually OC Lazor loves abandoning RB’s Miller and Ajayi at the drop of a helmet and putting the teams fortunes in the hands of a mediocre QB and a drop-friendly WR corps. That’s quality thinkering. Just a few weeks ago the Jets were a stalwart club that ran the ball down your throat until you gagged, gave you more D than you could possibly handle and left its fans wanting more. Now they’re yet another team that has lost 4 of the last 5-two of which were to sub .500 squads. Something always goes wrong for the Jets-it just took a bit longer this year.

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Doktor Zymm

Yeah, Odell might be good, but Wikipedia still thinks David Beckham is more worthy of search results.

John Difool

If you ever find yourself trapped on Mars with Jason Pierre-Paul, just so you know, you’re in good hands.

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Redshirt

Pick-6 for the Pick-6 Gods!

Col. Duke LaCross

Bortlesthe holds the line of scrimmage in the same amount of regard as Janice in Accounting!

Sill Bimmons

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entropy

Brandon Marshall hasn’t made a single cut move yet, but he keeps bouncing around like a jackrabbit on meth. It’s an odd choice for a football move.

Wakezilla

Question for Vikings fans: Does Teddy always telegraph his throws like this? Also, why doesn’t AP get more touches?

entropy
MikeWallaceAndGromit

Blake Bortles bungles barrier blatantly.

Doktor Zymm

At least I can still like Alfred Morris. I know they’ve gone to committee, but he’s the only guy who got the CBA late draft pick bonus, everything I know about him says he’s not a dick, he does well when he’s in, he hasn’t been injured yet, and the committee means he might last longer and hopefully get paid.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Blake Bortles with another illegal forward pass?

King Hippo

WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, TEAM OF DESTINY??

John Difool

That was so very [*Redacted] s…. and so it begins.

Sill Bimmons

WASHINGTONSDERP

Brick Meathook
entropy

What is Tony Romo’s Bathroom, Alex?

entropy

Ball is kicked 45 yards deep in the End Zone, Miami elects to bring it out, tackled at the 11. Good coaching right there! Wooooo!

Wakezilla

Vikingception in their own endzone!

Matty Ice appears to have thawed in this game.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Icecpetion! LOL

Sill Bimmons

ICECEPTION

King Hippo

Howard Jones on the tackle for TB. Surely, things can only get better.

Wakezilla

Dirtybird down. . . Denied! That clipping penalty has got to hurt the Falcons.

Sill Bimmons

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Romonobyl

Dok Zymm got a motorcycle?

Doktor Zymm

I actually do have a motorcycle license!

entropy

She’s in the club, man. She always had a motorcycle.

Senor Weaselo

I just saw Beckham’s cleats for the day. If he scores he has to do the Snoopy Dance, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFNLbAs3KAU

Romonobyl

Great, that song is in my head now.

Spanky Datass

Linus and Lucy are such assholes.

Senor Weaselo
Doktor Zymm

If I open a new bottle of fizzy wine, I have to drink the whole bottle, otherwise it becomes just rather poor wine. Thus. LIQUOR IT IS. Huh, I like to use periods more often than needed while drunk. Interesting.

blackroseMD1

Are the Chargers looking competent or am I still drunk?

Sill Bimmons

Jaguras.

Gratliff

Saints. Man.

Romonobyl

Somewhere in the French Quarter…the baneful howl of a lone wolf pierces the afternoon calm.

John Difool

Coughlin’s half-time locker-room speech will include Coughlin teasing a Bic lighter underneath Eli’s letter to Santa Clause.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

Gingerception!

Doktor Zymm

I have a conundrum! I have no hope that this lead means a win, but it’s the Giants. Liquor, or fizzy wine?

Romonobyl

In for the night? Liquor.
Plans later? Fizzy wine and a power nap.

King Hippo

Shit, you’ns gon’ win 38 or 45-nil. Break out the celebration fizzy wine

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Gingerception!

King Hippo

Piece of art it was

The Maestro

DOINK

Gratliff

Fuck that. Take Philip Rivers off that list right now.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, right. There are other games on. Oh, Indy.

Also, Bears were dumb as shit to lose Marshall.

entropy

HOLY SHIT DEVON SMITH JUST CAUGHT A FUCKING PASS!!!!

entropy

I feel like I just saw a leprechaun. No one will ever believe me, but I’m gonna enjoy the pot of gold anyway.

Senor Weaselo

Woo!

Doktor Zymm

Fun Fact : The Instrumental between verses of the [*Redacted] s fight song is exactly the right length and beat to insert “FUCK DALLAS”

entropy

Drunk Zymm is Fun, Fuck Dallas! Zymm.

Doktor Zymm

There is a beautiful confluence of alcohol and NFC East games that do things to me. Woe betide the Cowboy fan who meets me.

Romonobyl
Doktor Zymm

I’m actually really nice if you don’t mind the constant insults and denigrating comments that dismiss you as a product of you fandom.

entropy

“I’m actually really nice if you ignore me being a total prick,” something I actually said to someone once.

Doktor Zymm

PS. It’s best on the slow dance part.

Wakezilla

That JJ Watt Bose commercial is kind of funny because the song they play is being sung by Chris Cornell and sounds nothing like Zac Brown Band’s normal music.

entropy

CJ Mosley just stepped on a Lego.

entropy

Decker just reached Near Earth Orbit on that hit.

Senor Weaselo

Cousins needed more Dinoflip IMO.

Sill Bimmons

we could all use a little more dinoflip amirite

/sad bazinga

Senor Weaselo

When I get the Twitch notifications on time I watch, but last I saw he was playing WWE 2K16 after this Madden season went awry.

Spanky Datass

More drinking and cussing too.

http://i.imgur.com/gubu4LA.gif

American Pie Story

Oh my god Hasselbeck please don’t die

King Hippo

Holy fuckballs, who is next up?

Sill Bimmons

Elizabeth just quit FOX and Friends…

/knows she’s not Matt’s wife

American Pie Story

No idea. But McAfee will jump in I’m a heartbeat.

Doktor Zymm

HOLY FUCKBALLS I CALLED IT

Doktor Zymm

waiting for the review, but pouring the shots now.

entropy

Best get on those shots, then. I’ll join you.

///pours Jameson.

Fuck it, even if you don’t do the shots, I’m having the Jameson.

Doktor Zymm

I took the time to chill my bourbon, but Cheers my friend.

entropy

Slainte.

Sill Bimmons

So you do this but not the Everclear Buttchug?

http://www.thenoisecast.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/SHENANIGANS.jpg

Doktor Zymm

I follow through on spur of the moment wagers that don’t kill me. And that I didn’t propose hypothetically.

Sill Bimmons

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entropy

Decker making the rare “On All Fours” catch.

Doktor Zymm

If Cousins does a QB sneak I will do 2 shots.

Wakezilla

I haven’t seen a Walsh get yanked left like that since Adam.

King Hippo

FUCK YOU BILLS

Doktor Zymm

DC is pretty good at ruining good players. What will they do to Jamison Crowder?

MikeWallaceAndGromit

THESE NEW YORK GIANTS I CALL THEM THE DEEP SOUTH BECAUSE THEY’RE LETTING COUSINS SCORE AND THE RESULTS AREN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY.

fleshwound_NPG

Good fuckin hustle

Romonobyl

That calls for an ass-slap…hard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DAMN, YOUR GOOD…..