Your Sunday Afternoon Early Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Ten: After 7 weeks the Raiders were 4-3, had a dynamic, explosive offense and were forcing folks to modify their hot takes with respect to the team. Three consecutive losses have since occurred and the O has dried up somewhat. They should get back on the right path versus the Titans just like 8 other teams have. If the Titans lose again they can blame it on the rain. Apparently it’s coming down hard and will continue to do so thru gametime. Some Titan fan sites have already called it a year and have focused their attentions on the coaching search. The general consensus is that Hue Jackson will be piling up the losses next year.

Buf @ KC: Tyrod is 3-1 on the road and if he is able to pull off the voodoo that he do in KC the Bills playoff chances rise from 36% to 65%. Of the Bills D-line only Hughes is completely healthy and ready to go today. Has HC Reid figurated things out? The Chiefs remind me of St. Joan of Arc-they’re on fire. They’ve won 4 in a row by a combined 91 points. QB Spaghetti Arm hasn’t thrown a pick in 7 games and the team has no TO’s at all in the last 4. Add in 12 takeaways during the same time and you’ve got a victory stew going.

TB @ Ind: Here’s another matchup of 5-5 teams but they appear to be ships passing in the night that aren’t having sex with each other but are headed in different directions. Tampa is 3-2 with one of the losses being a 1 pointer to the Slurs. QB Winston  has gone bananas since wk 6-his QBR trails only Brees and Palmer in that time period. The Bucs have forced a TO in 17 straight tilts and the Colts have an NFL-leading 22 of them things. Old man Gore looks to become the Colts first 1,000 yarder since Addai did it way back in 2007. That’s quite a long time to go without an effective run game. (not that I’m saying that these Colts have an effective run game, mind you)

NYG @ Was: This heavyweight tussle puts all the other games this week to shame. It’s the highlight of the 1pm slate. Why? Because you won’t stop masturbating no matter how much I implore, that’s why. The Giants need this game to create a two game buffer between themselves and the Slurs which would then mean that the latter would almost have to win out to win the division. This is not unrealistic ’cause they’ve got the Boys twice and the “Let’s give up on the Season” Iggles. RB Morris and his 404 rush yards looks down condescendingly at Giants RB Jennings and his paltry 403 yards. Giants fans the world over yell in unison, “Give the ball to Darkwa, you old fart!”.

NO @ Hou: The Saints are 4-6 but they feel like a 2-8 disaster. Now that Rob Ryan is coked up full time the Saints D will turn around, right? New DC Allen had a whole two weeks to fix a fundamentally flawed unit that no doubt will have no answer to the question, “DeAndre Hopkins?”. The Texans have cobbled together 4 wins in their last 5 outings and will end up the winners of the AFC South because the universe is meaningless.

Min @ Atl: Minny is another team that has pulled out 4 of the last 5. GB’s loss on Thursday allows them to gain a game in the fairly tight NFC North. First things first though-can CB Xavier Rhodes handle the force of nature that is WR Jones? RB Freeman can’t go so Coleman will man the backfield. Early in the season it looked as though he was going to surpass Freeman but then got injured and Freeman went nuts. He’s a speedy back that will look to break a long one.

StL @ Cin: QB Keenum opted to be concussed rather than be a part of the on-going disaster that is the Rams O (Gurley being the exception). QB Foles, who the Rams have completely given up on, is back to provide baffling decision-making, timely interceptions and barely discernable leadership. WR Bailey is doubtful. Meanwhile, Cincy’s O just keeps rolling along. Their only two losses were by a combined 7 points. WR Green has a chance to go over 1,000 yds. for the fifth straight time since entering the league. The record belongs to Moss at 6. DE’s Dunlap and Atkins have made plans to have an extended light lunch in the Rams backfield today. They’ve invited other team mates to drop in and say “hello” as well.

SD @ Jax: You could sum up the entire Chargers season using only 2 letters. It would go something like this-W, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L, L. Remember Jimmy Smith? Back in ’05 he was the last Jax WR to grab 1,000 yds. Ten years later Robinson is poised to do the same. What’s more, Hurns looks to join him in a few weeks time. I never thought that Bortles would be this kind of enabler.

Mia @ NYJ: Revis is out with a head oucher so the Fins QB should have an easy time of it. NOT SO FAST. This is Lauren Tannehill’s husband you’re talking about. Actually OC Lazor loves abandoning RB’s Miller and Ajayi at the drop of a helmet and putting the teams fortunes in the hands of a mediocre QB and a drop-friendly WR corps. That’s quality thinkering. Just a few weeks ago the Jets were a stalwart club that ran the ball down your throat until you gagged, gave you more D than you could possibly handle and left its fans wanting more. Now they’re yet another team that has lost 4 of the last 5-two of which were to sub .500 squads. Something always goes wrong for the Jets-it just took a bit longer this year.

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American Pie Story

Goddamn Griff Whalen

Wakezilla

That was quite the Falcons kick return. I wonder how Matty Ice is going to blow this short field advantage.

Gratliff

My nostalgia-driven McCoy-Maclin-DeSean fantasy team lineup is finally paying off. Only took 12 weeks.

Doktor Zymm

Still 17-0. I’m going to have a candy cane.

entropy

21-7, I’m gonna have whiskey.

Redshirt

4th & 3? #2 and #3 running backs on the field? You bet your ass we’re going to line them up as receivers!

entropy

Or, the reverse, 3rd and 11, screen pass.

fleshwound_NPG
Sharkbait

That’s some high octane shit that guy’s on

entropy

Perfect.

The Maestro

I think Thrax has one of the most exciting IRL lives of everyone I follow on Twitter. So much great random shit.

fleshwound_NPG

An amazing account I cannot believe I did not follow sooner

Lothar of the Hill People

My cat had diarrhea, and with his tongue issues, I had to clean up his ass. He was so ashamed, because he’s the Felix Unger of cats.

I’m a little happy, because diarrhea means I’ve gotten enough food and water down him that he can actually produce poop.

Romonobyl

My wife had to treat me the same way the day after Thursday’s Cowboy game.

entropy

Lothar of the Bright Side!

makeitsnowondem

That must have been quite a conundrum.

Sill Bimmons

I had a corundum once. I tumbled it, cut it and made it into a lovely ring.

http://i00.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/764/023/372/372023764_680.jpg

Romonobyl

The Matt Stafford Story.

Sill Bimmons

Mike Wallace is the worst thing in the universe.

entropy

Coughlin always looks like someone just told him he needs a new transmission in his Oldsmobile Delta 88.

Doktor Zymm

I have to say..I like this lack of 3rd Q meltdown. Still don’t trust 4th quarter.

John Difool

“You fucked up, you trusted us”

-The Washington [*Redacted] s

Doktor Zymm

I don’t trust shit.

Doktor Zymm

Especially not the DC football team

fleshwound_NPG

Finished fixing the garage door with the old man, miss anything besides the Fat Humps showing competence?

Romonobyl

Might want to sweep up or do some yard work instead.

fleshwound_NPG

So, typical early games

Redshirt

So the idea of “Nick Foles – NFL Quarterback” is over, right?

Wakezilla

There’s at least two more teams willing to take a shot that they could totally recreate his rookie season.

Romonobyl

Never really started.

Spanky Datass

He and Blake Bortles should open a lemonade stand.

Sill Bimmons

Its brief existence will forever remain a mystery,

Lothar of the Hill People

This sucks. Cincy is up by 24 in the 4th, but my Columbus Fox station isn’t switching to a more competitive (and interesting) game. Columbus is a secondary market, so they should switch.

Redshirt

They are outside 75 miles so yeah, they should switch. Hell, they aired so many Browns games up I thought it was Browns country.

The Maestro

I still can’t believe that Washington is winning this game. They’re a spoonerism away from being coached by an elderly German-speaking rabbi.

Spanky Datass

It’s all a part of Lil’ Danny’s plaster man!

Gratliff

LeSean McCoy with an exceptionally confusing celebration

entropy

“It’s not an orgy, but, really, it’s an orgy?”

Sharkbait

Fun fact: Staring at a clock does not make it go faster.

John Difool

If you’re a [*Redacted] s fan and you have the lead, that’s not a fun fact….

Doktor Zymm

RG3 would have made the 1st down.

Romonobyl

Then shatter into a million pieces.

entropy

This Charger commercial’s VO announcer, prattling on about the lack of modern predators, has apparently never been in the woods where there are bears, wolves, or goddamn mountain lions.

Doktor Zymm

Go Matt!

entropy

Second Lego-related injury to the LOLPhins.

John Difool

Almost Derpshawn

Redshirt

Foles Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Derp

makeitsnowondem

too bad my fantasy team isn’t instead a synchronized bedshitting team

Doktor Zymm

Go! Better than expected but still not that good [*Redacted] s D!

John Difool

Better than expected but lots of time left to derp it away.

Doktor Zymm

I’m not an optimist. Let’s drink!

Redshirt

I didn’t know the NFL had Cupcake Games.

http://kimberlysnyder.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/IMG_6155cs.jpg

Romonobyl

Romo needed something to do.

entropy

I believe that is a TanneCeption.

Gratliff

Did Jordan Cameron die?

American Pie Story

You miss a PAT and you think you can hit a 54 yarder? Oh Tampa you silly

American Pie Story

And unsportsmanlike conduct penalty hahahahahahahahahaha

Doktor Zymm

DHALL IS STILL A THING

Doktor Zymm

Direct TV is having Issues. Giants Skins is not on my local broadcast. I am reacting as expected.

Romonobyl

I always had to go on the roof and hold the antenna with both hands and stick one leg straight out. This usually happened during thunderstorms. My Grandpa was a bit of a dick.

Doktor Zymm

Despite your horrible choice of Cowboy fandom, I do like you.

Romonobyl

Not all Cowboy fans are assholes, just like some Pats fans are cool. OK, I lied…all Pats fans are assholes.

Doktor Zymm

I have personal experience with dating Pats fans. It’s not good. I didn’t think he was that bad, but he broke his hand punching a wall during the last Giants win. I have horrible taste in men.

Lothar of the Hill People

How early in the relationship did he try to stick his finger up your butt?

Or, since he was a Pats fan, did he want you to stick your finger up his?

John Difool

Harris should’ve let that one sail.

entropy

Time for MOAR WHISKEY. No real reason, I just want more Jameson.

Doktor Zymm

There are two scenarios in which I will not be responsible for my actions.
A) DC wins in a shutout
2) DC loses at last minute in the 4th quarter

(I apologize for using PK bullet points)

American Pie Story

You at least have alcohol as an excuse. PK has none.

Gratliff

7-9 will win the East in a walk at this point

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sharkbait

MOAR WATKINS!

John Difool

Manning Trek III: The Search for Derp

Sill Bimmons

ALL TEH BLOWOUTS

entropy

FOOTBALL THURSDAY CONTINUES ON SUNDAY!!

entropy

DECKERDOWN II: Fitzmagic Boogaloo!

Doktor Zymm

I AM THE PLANETS BY GUSTAV HOLST!

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Holy shit Eli

Romonobyl

LANGUAGE!!!!

Doktor Zymm

JOY!

Doktor Zymm

ANGER!

entropy

Hostility towards the opposition?

Sill Bimmons

wow eli

ThursdaySkyGoddess

ELICEPTION: Part trois

entropy

I think everyone saw that play coming, Bowles.

King Hippo

The Rams and Saints are giving the Iggles quite the pitched battle for the team who can give the least fucks.

Doktor Zymm

And also, good on you, Rashad, I give the Skins D a lot of shit, but you’re kinda failing, but not as bad as I thought at covering Odell.

Sill Bimmons

Holy FUCKBALLS Nick Foles