Your Sunday Afternoon Early Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Ten: After 7 weeks the Raiders were 4-3, had a dynamic, explosive offense and were forcing folks to modify their hot takes with respect to the team. Three consecutive losses have since occurred and the O has dried up somewhat. They should get back on the right path versus the Titans just like 8 other teams have. If the Titans lose again they can blame it on the rain. Apparently it’s coming down hard and will continue to do so thru gametime. Some Titan fan sites have already called it a year and have focused their attentions on the coaching search. The general consensus is that Hue Jackson will be piling up the losses next year.

Buf @ KC: Tyrod is 3-1 on the road and if he is able to pull off the voodoo that he do in KC the Bills playoff chances rise from 36% to 65%. Of the Bills D-line only Hughes is completely healthy and ready to go today. Has HC Reid figurated things out? The Chiefs remind me of St. Joan of Arc-they’re on fire. They’ve won 4 in a row by a combined 91 points. QB Spaghetti Arm hasn’t thrown a pick in 7 games and the team has no TO’s at all in the last 4. Add in 12 takeaways during the same time and you’ve got a victory stew going.

TB @ Ind: Here’s another matchup of 5-5 teams but they appear to be ships passing in the night that aren’t having sex with each other but are headed in different directions. Tampa is 3-2 with one of the losses being a 1 pointer to the Slurs. QB Winston  has gone bananas since wk 6-his QBR trails only Brees and Palmer in that time period. The Bucs have forced a TO in 17 straight tilts and the Colts have an NFL-leading 22 of them things. Old man Gore looks to become the Colts first 1,000 yarder since Addai did it way back in 2007. That’s quite a long time to go without an effective run game. (not that I’m saying that these Colts have an effective run game, mind you)

NYG @ Was: This heavyweight tussle puts all the other games this week to shame. It’s the highlight of the 1pm slate. Why? Because you won’t stop masturbating no matter how much I implore, that’s why. The Giants need this game to create a two game buffer between themselves and the Slurs which would then mean that the latter would almost have to win out to win the division. This is not unrealistic ’cause they’ve got the Boys twice and the “Let’s give up on the Season” Iggles. RB Morris and his 404 rush yards looks down condescendingly at Giants RB Jennings and his paltry 403 yards. Giants fans the world over yell in unison, “Give the ball to Darkwa, you old fart!”.

NO @ Hou: The Saints are 4-6 but they feel like a 2-8 disaster. Now that Rob Ryan is coked up full time the Saints D will turn around, right? New DC Allen had a whole two weeks to fix a fundamentally flawed unit that no doubt will have no answer to the question, “DeAndre Hopkins?”. The Texans have cobbled together 4 wins in their last 5 outings and will end up the winners of the AFC South because the universe is meaningless.

Min @ Atl: Minny is another team that has pulled out 4 of the last 5. GB’s loss on Thursday allows them to gain a game in the fairly tight NFC North. First things first though-can CB Xavier Rhodes handle the force of nature that is WR Jones? RB Freeman can’t go so Coleman will man the backfield. Early in the season it looked as though he was going to surpass Freeman but then got injured and Freeman went nuts. He’s a speedy back that will look to break a long one.

StL @ Cin: QB Keenum opted to be concussed rather than be a part of the on-going disaster that is the Rams O (Gurley being the exception). QB Foles, who the Rams have completely given up on, is back to provide baffling decision-making, timely interceptions and barely discernable leadership. WR Bailey is doubtful. Meanwhile, Cincy’s O just keeps rolling along. Their only two losses were by a combined 7 points. WR Green has a chance to go over 1,000 yds. for the fifth straight time since entering the league. The record belongs to Moss at 6. DE’s Dunlap and Atkins have made plans to have an extended light lunch in the Rams backfield today. They’ve invited other team mates to drop in and say “hello” as well.

SD @ Jax: You could sum up the entire Chargers season using only 2 letters. It would go something like this-W, L, L, W, L, L, L, L, L, L. Remember Jimmy Smith? Back in ’05 he was the last Jax WR to grab 1,000 yds. Ten years later Robinson is poised to do the same. What’s more, Hurns looks to join him in a few weeks time. I never thought that Bortles would be this kind of enabler.

Mia @ NYJ: Revis is out with a head oucher so the Fins QB should have an easy time of it. NOT SO FAST. This is Lauren Tannehill’s husband you’re talking about. Actually OC Lazor loves abandoning RB’s Miller and Ajayi at the drop of a helmet and putting the teams fortunes in the hands of a mediocre QB and a drop-friendly WR corps. That’s quality thinkering. Just a few weeks ago the Jets were a stalwart club that ran the ball down your throat until you gagged, gave you more D than you could possibly handle and left its fans wanting more. Now they’re yet another team that has lost 4 of the last 5-two of which were to sub .500 squads. Something always goes wrong for the Jets-it just took a bit longer this year.

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blackroseMD1

So…Eli is Man Penguin Boy from now on, right?

http://i.imgur.com/MYDdKYe.png

Sill Bimmons

That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

Redshirt

Seconded.

fleshwound_NPG

sent to ape, the world has to see this

Redshirt

Odell Beckham, Jr. Above average at football.

Sill Bimmons

wow

Sill Bimmons

wot

The Maestro

ODELL MOTHER BECKHAM FUCKING JUNIOR

John Difool

It pains me to say it, but that was fuckin Godlike by Beckham.

JustStopDude

Holy shit Odell is a bad fucking man…

Sill Bimmons

wut

Sill Bimmons

wat

Redshirt

25-12? What kind of scoring has happened in Indy?

The Maestro

Courtesy of @med11n:

comment image

fleshwound_NPG

pic not showing up, link for those having similar issues:

https://twitter.com/med11n/status/671068995467001856

American Pie Story

The laces were in! They were INNNNNNNNN!!

Sill Bimmons

You should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

entropy

Holy Shit, Ivory. That was fucking amazing.

Romonobyl

I’m more of a Zest man myself.

Romonobyl

Oh wonderful, the wife just pulled the Christmas boxes in from the garage. HELP ME BABY JEEBUS!!!!

Sill Bimmons

Exhibit 23,568,345 in the Things You Don’t Miss About Marriage Museum.

Redshirt

Timeout#3. Eight seconds left. Down by 24 points.

What the fuck, St. Louis?!

Sill Bimmons

STANFORDBANDLEROOSKI COMIN UP

Doktor Zymm

FUCK YOU YOU ARE NOT THE REAL 21

John Difool

They should retire that number from all of football.

Doktor Zymm

I would be fine with others having the number if the commentators didn’t bring up Sean Taylor every damn game.

Doktor Zymm

He was amazing. It was tragic. We remember. You don’t have to mention it every time someone on any team wears the number.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

All right you beautiful bastards, I’m out until this evening’s game. It’s lolsoccer playoffs time, and my Timbers play at 2:00.

Romonobyl

AKA

Romonobyl

Dammit…

Redshirt

Timeout#2 with 47 seconds left, down by 24.

Rams. You’ve lost. Let it go.

The Maestro

It’s funny how after all this time, Paul Posluszny remains the only consistently competent player on the Jags’ roster.

Fight me, Duval.

entropy

He must have done something really wrong in a past life to get exiled to Buffalo and Jacksonville for his pro career.

Redshirt

St. Louis called timeout at 1:52 down by 24 points. They must know something we don’t know.

If they win this game, I will get a St. Louis Rams tramp stamp.

Doktor Zymm

YELLOW PANTS WIN. May the best pants always win.

Silver pants are lame.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

What is the most terrifying phrase in the English language?

“The officials are talking to each other.”

entropy

“We need to talk” is still up there.

Sill Bimmons

Don’t hear that anymore.

JustStopDude

“We need to do some more tests…”

Redshirt

“I’m late.”

Romonobyl

All the plus ones…

Sill Bimmons

Hyperbole may also be used for instances of such exaggerations for emphasis or effect. Hyperboles are often used in casual speech as intensifiers, such as saying “the bag weighed a ton.” Hyperbole makes the point that the speaker found the bag to be extremely heavy, although it was nothing like a literal ton.

American Pie Story

Unsportsmanlike conduct penalty #2 for Tampa

Sill Bimmons

Roughing The Holder.

You fucking idiots.

fleshwound_NPG

Chris Conte, still in the league, still doing stupid shit.

Lothar of the Hill People

His middle name is CTE

Sill Bimmons

OH NOT THIS STUPID FUCKING JUMPING SHIT AGAIN

Redshirt

Well Bengals fans’ Pre-Season Wish has been granted: A.J, McCarron has replaced Andy Dalton.

JustStopDude

Pet store and the grocery store, in a rural as fuck mountain town, on a Sunday is pure fucking hell. I had to do it…no food for either the bird or I as we just got back this morning.

Fucking every other person at both places were elderly ladies, using fucking checkbooks.

The Maestro

People still use those??

JustStopDude

Old ladies? Yeah…they make the best Grandmas…

entropy

In your quiet little white-bred redneck mountain town?

Sill Bimmons

Giants show signs of life in DC.

Bloody Lethal

I still can’t watch: that’s the rules.

John Difool

THESE WASHINGTON [*Redacted] S, I CALL ‘EM MARLEY AND ME ‘CAUSE THIS IS THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE THEY ALWAYS BREAK MY FUCKING HEART

Doktor Zymm

I’m really drunk. I’m going to say things, do things. FUCK REUBEN RANDLE.

Bloody Lethal

Is that last statement say or do?

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Get on her level.

entropy

At least you warned people.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To be fair; the internet says that R. Randle IS a good fuck.

entropy

Wooooooooo Fitzmagic IV! Time for another shot of Irish joy.

Doktor Zymm

FUCK. Breeland is dead.

blackroseMD1

Philip Rivers running for a first down on 4th and 7? The apocalypse truly has begun.

Redshirt

Officials counting down the Play Clock in Cincy:

three, two, one, zero, negative one, negative two, negative three, negative four, negative five…

fleshwound_NPG

Memo to Lovie Smith: if a 40-something is burning you like this, it may be finally time to drop the Tampa-2.

Bloody Lethal

So yea, I turned off the Giants game for my own sanity.

Sill Bimmons

That game did seem pretty stupid.

makeitsnowondem

Greetings, Hoo-mans.

Sill Bimmons

yo alien groundhog

Redshirt

Greetings, Ferengi.

Doktor Zymm

It’s still light outside. I’m tempted to put on clothes and go to a bar. Avoiding specific person, so not going to local bar, other bars might suck. Should I pants?

Lothar of the Hill People

Kilt.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Considering those variables, I vote no pants.

Romonobyl

Leather skirt and leggings…remember it’s cold outside.

Doktor Zymm

That is an option.

American Pie Story

Co-signed, with boots that have max stomping power.

makeitsnowondem

spacesuit

entropy

Do you own an old-school diving suit?

MARSHALLDOWN!!

Spanky Datass

Pope hat.

Sill Bimmons

Splint mail.

Redshirt

Wes Welker is on the Rams?
Wes Welker is still playing?!

fleshwound_NPG

Give it a minute…

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Direct quotes from Wes Welker.

Wakezilla

Coughlin is loving the amount of time Atlanta is wasting to get off the 4th down play. . .

OK, that was a sick play by Barr.

fleshwound_NPG

Matt Millen was a good linebacker and a good-ish announcer. And motherfucking awful at virtually everything else.

Gratliff

Andrew Luck’s stock is meteoring right now.

Wakezilla

Commentators have a raging hard on for Anthony Barr. Coleman drops the ball, Barr is in the area, and didn’t touch Coleman, and Barr getting the credit for a shitty drop. Amazing.

Lothar of the Hill People

Is Coleman white while Barr is black? That might explain it. Grit deficiency.

Doktor Zymm

I knew DC would fuck up the Giants, I just picked the wrong one. Go, DC but only at home, it seems.

John Difool

” I miss the days when you put on a pair of goggles and spun up the magneto before getting behind the wheel of an automobile”
-Tom Coughlin

Sill Bimmons

TINYHANDSSCRAMBLEFIRST