EPL Weekend and Hold That Tiger! JV NFL Conference Championship Preview Edition

Welcome once again to all things Lesser Footy! I have no idea if/how to incorporate the coming exhibition games into this format, or whether to graft college basketballing onto the Euro-footy in the winter/spring. The mind, it boggles.

Anyway, last week’s sister kissing in Leicester allowed order to be restored and City to return to the top (goal differential over the Foxes). They get cromulent, pug-ugly 12th place Stoke to kick off the weekend (7:45 EST, NBCSN) as they look to solidify their position. Leicester gets the free falling (but still dangerous, in my view) Swans at 10 (Extra Time), while Manure play 8th place West Ham (10:00, NBCSN). Arsenal, back in their happy place in 4th, should be poised to capitalize on any slip-ups, hosting a rather dreadful Sunderland side (10, NBCSN).

9th place Everton and 7th place Palace square off in British MNF (3:00, NBCSN), in what should be the most evenly-matched fixture of the schedule. The Blues massively shit themselves at Bournemouth last weekend, but gathered themselves and turned in a very strong, professional performance at Middlesboro Tuesday night to advance to the semifinals of the League Cup. Nobody has any idea which Everton will turn up Monday, and whether it will change at halftime. FUN SHIT for the unbalanced fan!

Temple at Houston (Noon, ABC)

I can’t decide whether I like the fact that the better team gets to host the game, or if I more just like laughing at a conference championship that so few people care about that it can’t possibly be held at a neutral site. Anyway, the game itself could be fairly entertaining. Murrikan!!!

Texas at Baylor (Noon, ESPN)

Pointing and laughing at Texas is fun, and BayBay is angry. Good combination.

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

The TV schedule is more or less cleared out for this game, and it’s an absolute turd. The Gators may not break 100 yards of offense. Watch carefully to see if it’s puppy blood instead of Gatorade the players douse Nick Saban with (the tell will be if he smiles).

West Virginia at Kansas State (4:30, FS1)

The game has meaning only for the Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders (bowl qualification), but the cousinfuckers can be entertaining at times. You will want a channel flipping option away from the SEC East derpage, trust me.

USC vs. Stanford (7:45, ESPN)

This game is important to me, in terms of keeping ALL POSSIBLE TALK of Darkest Timeline off the table. It’s pretty clear that the Condi Committee rightly sees the Tree as vastly superior to the Cheating Holes, but David Shaw’s extremely conventional ways will keep the Men of Troy in this one. Game is in Stanford’s backyard, at least.

Michigan State vs. Iowa (8:00, Fox)

First team to 10 wins (if any). Simplest playoff scenario for each, after the already in Boomer Sooner. Win and in, lose and no chance. Watch me look like an asshole and the game ends up 41-38 and the best teevee of the day.

Clemson vs. U*NC (8:00, ABC)

Hippo’s sanity requires a reckoning here. The Cheating Holes need to be put in their place. Clemson needs not to just beat them, but fucking ravage them. Tear them asunder. Make them wish their NCAA punishment had come before this game, so they could have baselessly insisted they would have won out and been national champs “if only everyone wasn’t out to get them.” The NC State/Clemson rivalry is a long one, but a friendly one, and I have no trouble cheering for them full-heartedly (even if Dabo is really, really annoying).

Also, a musical interlude since it’s officially December. I have championed this in the comments, but it deserves feature treatment as it is the single most beautiful performance I have ever heard. I also <3 Hope Sandoval as a fellow extreme introvert. Unlike me, Ms. Sandoval is also stunningly beautiful, so naturally was frequently misunderstood as being stuck up. Sexist bullshit. We are lucky she shared her angelic voice as often as she did.

Here are the complete lyrics, which made me cry like a baby as I typed this alone in my house on a cold Friday morning. This is the perfect winter song, hits me right in the gut, just with the genders reversed LMAO:

Before I let you down again,
I just want to see you in your eyes.
I wouldn’t have taken everything out on you,
I only thought you could understand.

They say every man goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away.
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me.

Send me your flowers of your December,
Send me your dreams of your candied wine.
I’ve got just one thing I can’t give you
Just one more thing of mine.

They say every man goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away
And I’ve been wondering why you let me down
And I’ve been taking it all for granted.

I’m such a gloomy fuck sometimes. Now, BEAT SOME GODDAMNED CAROLINA ASS, YOU ORANGE-CLAD CORNPONE MUTHAFUCKAS!!!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sill Bimmons

Wow, Goolsby.

You suck.

blordinaryfagicmox

What’s a worse investment, a new car or a diamond ring?

Sill Bimmons

Bitcoin futures.

Old School Zero

Good bacon. It’s gone before you know it.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

CBS cannot show that footage of Tebow crying enough.

Who’s more miserable, Saban or Belicheck

JustStopDude

Whoa…that’s tough…kind of like what’s worse to die from…Hep C or AIDS…

Sill Bimmons

MAF LARGER THAN LIFE WOO

JustStopDude

Apparently the SEC now stands for Sissified QB’s Got to Be Protected cause Nick Saban is a Nazis…

That may not work as an acronym…I’m not sure…I mean shit…I’m a fan of the SEC. The mere fact I can communicate online makes me a rarity.

Sill Bimmons

Acura is more pointless and boring than Lexus and Infiniti combined.

Where have you gone, company that used to build the best car on earth?

http://2p2bboli8d61fqhjiqzb8p1a.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Acura-nsx-21.jpg

JustStopDude

bleacher report advertises on tv now???

Why?

Sill Bimmons

Now 4 — 3 Ice Chargeraiderams.

hoo boy

WCS

The Curse of the 3-0 Lead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

comment image

JustStopDude
WCS

Just another Wednesday in Japan.

JustStopDude

Trump has already tweeted that Nathan is an illegal and probably a Muslim who will be arrested and deported once Trump takes the White House.

JustStopDude

The better Dr Pepper Half Time Challenge would be to force the two participants to use full Dr Pepper cans, placed in socks, and they beat each other until one of them is dead or unconscious…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mr Pibb approves.

Spanky Datass

Dr. Thunder too. Upper Ten thinks that’s barbaric.

WCS

“I’m telling you, England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!”

Sill Bimmons

“PITT THE ELDER”

Sill Bimmons

Funny how there’s no Westvirginiaburgh named after Prime Minister Westvirginia.

WCS

Prime Minister Westviriginia isn’t very popular after he ceded South Virginia to North Virginia in 1732.

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

I want Allie to punch Saban right in the vagina.
Seriously….how awesome would that be?

WCS

He wouldn’t feel anything. He’s a Replicant.

Sill Bimmons

That is the most despicable person in college sports.

makeitsnowondem

Attention, everybody:

SEC football is dumb.

Sill Bimmons

How the fuck does a school with a shithole winter nightmare campus like Michigan State maintain Top 5 football and basketball programs?

WCS

Dantonio and Izzo are sorcerers.

Sill Bimmons

Apparently.

JustStopDude

Aw….poor Harris (QB for Florida) just learned the hard way that a QB can only throw the ball once during a single play.

Side note…that’s a fucking stupid rule.

Sill Bimmons

Let’s get Derrick Henry one more rushing TD today so we can erase yet another Tebow record from the books.

Spanky Datass

Cyrus: Underrated old-timey name or disaster?
And what if it’s spelled Psyrus?

Sill Bimmons

All-Time Underrated Badass Name:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrus_the_Great

entropy

Agreed. All-time underrated badass name.

WCS

RE: WVU’s helmets

It’s a throwback design to the 70s. I’m indifferent on them.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

The Ice Stillers-Ice Ramsraiderschargersraidersjaguars game is crezzy.

WCS

And not crezzy in a good way.

Sill Bimmons

Fucking disgrace.

This defense is so fucking terrible I’ve already given up them actually achieving anything.

WCS

Maata’s goal was just enough to keep listening.

blackroseMD1

Screw this, I’m gonna go watch Doctor Who.

See you guys tomorrow.

Sill Bimmons

The Alabama is worse than The Florida, right?

Old School Zero

Mississippi is worse than either of them, in any category.

Sill Bimmons

The Louisiana is also pretty terrible but we forgive them because of New Orleans and cajun food.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Lance Armstrong

Sill Bimmons

welp

Sill Bimmons

Oh for FUCKS sake WCS.

You can’t POSSIBLY be in favor of the cousinlovers’ stupid helmets.

Spanky Datass

I haven’t got a good look but at first glance the sticker looks like those krazy kritters that several used as avatars at Kommenters On The Side.

Sill Bimmons

It’s a map of Cousinloverland with “WVU” superimposed in a football on the map.

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/BYuWnNwCQAASu70.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Spanky Datass

Yeesh. That’s like Tampa bad.

I hope neither offense scores.

Sill Bimmons

Stupid penalties lose games.

1 — 0 Ice Chargeraiderams.

Old School Zero

What is this ‘SEC’ you speak of and just how inferior are they to THE GREAT AND MIGHTY B1G?

blackroseMD1

You were expecting offense?

http://i.imgur.com/nRJcWWY.jpg

Spanky Datass

She looks like she caught a whiff of Sill’s miasma below.

Sill Bimmons

Or else she’s watching this ESSEEECEE crapfest.

Sill Bimmons

This is the death of offense.

WCS

BUT DIS IS GOOD OL ESSS EEEE SEEEE FOOBAWL PAWWLLL

blackroseMD1

So…2-0 final then?

Croooow

Florida did a good?!

Saban sets up for the safety.

Sill Bimmons

Ice Stillers 0 — 0 Ice Chargeraiderams

WCS

I think the Chargersraidersrams would still win more games than the Cardpitt team.

Sill Bimmons