Welcome once again to all things Lesser Footy! I have no idea if/how to incorporate the coming exhibition games into this format, or whether to graft college basketballing onto the Euro-footy in the winter/spring. The mind, it boggles.
Anyway, last week’s sister kissing in Leicester allowed order to be restored and City to return to the top (goal differential over the Foxes). They get cromulent, pug-ugly 12th place Stoke to kick off the weekend (7:45 EST, NBCSN) as they look to solidify their position. Leicester gets the free falling (but still dangerous, in my view) Swans at 10 (Extra Time), while Manure play 8th place West Ham (10:00, NBCSN). Arsenal, back in their happy place in 4th, should be poised to capitalize on any slip-ups, hosting a rather dreadful Sunderland side (10, NBCSN).
9th place Everton and 7th place Palace square off in British MNF (3:00, NBCSN), in what should be the most evenly-matched fixture of the schedule. The Blues massively shit themselves at Bournemouth last weekend, but gathered themselves and turned in a very strong, professional performance at Middlesboro Tuesday night to advance to the semifinals of the League Cup. Nobody has any idea which Everton will turn up Monday, and whether it will change at halftime. FUN SHIT for the unbalanced fan!
Temple at Houston (Noon, ABC)
I can’t decide whether I like the fact that the better team gets to host the game, or if I more just like laughing at a conference championship that so few people care about that it can’t possibly be held at a neutral site. Anyway, the game itself could be fairly entertaining. Murrikan!!!
Texas at Baylor (Noon, ESPN)
Pointing and laughing at Texas is fun, and BayBay is angry. Good combination.
Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)
The TV schedule is more or less cleared out for this game, and it’s an absolute turd. The Gators may not break 100 yards of offense. Watch carefully to see if it’s puppy blood instead of Gatorade the players douse Nick Saban with (the tell will be if he smiles).
West Virginia at Kansas State (4:30, FS1)
The game has meaning only for the Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders (bowl qualification), but the cousinfuckers can be entertaining at times. You will want a channel flipping option away from the SEC East derpage, trust me.
USC vs. Stanford (7:45, ESPN)
This game is important to me, in terms of keeping ALL POSSIBLE TALK of Darkest Timeline off the table. It’s pretty clear that the Condi Committee rightly sees the Tree as vastly superior to the Cheating Holes, but David Shaw’s extremely conventional ways will keep the Men of Troy in this one. Game is in Stanford’s backyard, at least.
Michigan State vs. Iowa (8:00, Fox)
First team to 10 wins (if any). Simplest playoff scenario for each, after the already in Boomer Sooner. Win and in, lose and no chance. Watch me look like an asshole and the game ends up 41-38 and the best teevee of the day.
Clemson vs. U*NC (8:00, ABC)
Hippo’s sanity requires a reckoning here. The Cheating Holes need to be put in their place. Clemson needs not to just beat them, but fucking ravage them. Tear them asunder. Make them wish their NCAA punishment had come before this game, so they could have baselessly insisted they would have won out and been national champs “if only everyone wasn’t out to get them.” The NC State/Clemson rivalry is a long one, but a friendly one, and I have no trouble cheering for them full-heartedly (even if Dabo is really, really annoying).
Also, a musical interlude since it’s officially December. I have championed this in the comments, but it deserves feature treatment as it is the single most beautiful performance I have ever heard. I also <3 Hope Sandoval as a fellow extreme introvert. Unlike me, Ms. Sandoval is also stunningly beautiful, so naturally was frequently misunderstood as being stuck up. Sexist bullshit. We are lucky she shared her angelic voice as often as she did.
Here are the complete lyrics, which made me cry like a baby as I typed this alone in my house on a cold Friday morning. This is the perfect winter song, hits me right in the gut, just with the genders reversed LMAO:
Before I let you down again,
I just want to see you in your eyes.
I wouldn’t have taken everything out on you,
I only thought you could understand.
They say every man goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away.
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me.
Send me your flowers of your December,
Send me your dreams of your candied wine.
I’ve got just one thing I can’t give you
Just one more thing of mine.
They say every man goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away
And I’ve been wondering why you let me down
And I’ve been taking it all for granted.
I’m such a gloomy fuck sometimes. Now, BEAT SOME GODDAMNED CAROLINA ASS, YOU ORANGE-CLAD CORNPONE MUTHAFUCKAS!!!
Unbelievable. Very disappointing to see Iowa choke like that. Hopefully they still get a New Year’s Bowl.
It would be a friggin’ robbery akin to Bernie Madoff if they don’t go to the Rose Bowl.
Iowa in the last 5 minutes of the game:
http://images.japemonster.com/2011/09/daily_gifdump_17_04.gif
UNC screwed on the onside kick.
COMPLETELY SCREWED! Even the announcers couldn’t defend the refs on that one.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Couldn’t script a better ending for those cheating motherfuckers. They’ve made a mockery of basic decency and even the appearance of academic integrity (all the while keeping their noses in the air and pretending to be BETTER than everyone else). Karma is a bitch. Suck it, Holes!
Do wish Stanford was in the playoff ahead of Clemson, though. They are a significantly better football team. Suspect Oklahoma will win it now.
I didn’t particularly want UNC to win, just for clemson to lose, but goddamn! The ref who made that call makes the replacement refs look like Abraham Lincoln with the fucking hubble telescope strapped to his head for their judgement and vision.
That was a pretty fucking fun football game to watch…
That was the worst hook-and-lateral I’ve ever seen, including a horrendous one I was part of in college.
Well, at least none of the top 4 teams will be undefeated, right?
Got to ice that hook and lateral. That’s just smart football.
Iowa QB took a fucking sack. What a stupid Pigfucker. No sow for him tonight.
Oh. Oh, Iowa.
Iowa’s got 27 seconds to get a FG. The Cheesefuckers got a TD in less on Thursday, so the Pigfuckers can do it today.
Seriously…I love Gus calling these games.
Imagine the MNF clowns doing this game….
/shudders
Why would you do that us? That wasn’t nice.
Holy crap. Gritty touchdown by MSU. Pigfuckers didn’t want to tackle him enough.
Its amazing how five defenders could not stop one dude from crossing the goal line…
Nice tackling, Iowa.
Iowa defense appeared to be lining up for the “penalty kick” formation from the other football….
If Iowa loses, Fek will unleash his entire army and galactic navy to destroy the Earth. Nice knowing you cheesedicks.
Fucking Iowa can’t stop a QB keeper on 4th and 2. Stupid Pigfuckers.
Should have gone for 3 and then the onside kick…
That was not how I expected that play to end for MSU.
My desire for an Iowa win is conflicting with my desire for an Extra Drinking Period.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–F_jAyrw2–/c_fit,f_auto,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/irltttdmd2eirlelow7l.gif
Love how the MSU offense came onto the field waving their arms to get the fans to shout louder. Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry smart there, guys.
I hope the Revenant is shot as one long continuous take, just like Birdman was, because I think that would be hilarious.
Me when the beer starts running out:
http://images.japemonster.com/2012/05/Water-how-not-to-drink-it.gif
Evening, gents. Buddy of mine hosted a screening of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi on a projector in his back yard, so I’ve had s’mores, popcorn, a few Leffes, and good times.
I’m not a Star Wars guy, and that still sounds like a kickass time.
That sounds pretty cool! I should do that…
Which did you like better?
Ha. I’ve always been partial to Return, but I enjoyed the shit out of Empire tonight. Regardless, fuck those contractors.
Stanford cat: I think I can identify the problem with the USC team:
http://images.japemonster.com/2012/05/Hipster-kitty.gif
Their former coach was a CAT-astrophe!
Awesome!
Am I the only person intrigued by the mom who sings as her baby brushes her hair in that Joseph Gordon Levitt LG phone commercial?
With college football, the fun never ends. Like this:
http://media.giphy.com/media/A1jueGBzrZL6E/giphy.gif
WHY DOES THAT CLIP END? !?!?
This Iowa-MSU game:
http://images.japemonster.com/2011/12/funny-gifs-still-want.gif
Cleveland Browns first-round draft picks since 2000:
2000: Courtney Brown #1
2001: Gerard Warren #3
2002: William Green #16
2003: Jeff Faine #21
2004: Kellen Wilsow II #6
2005: Braylon Edwards #3
2006: Kamerion Wimbley #13
2007: Joe Thomas #3, Brady Quinn #22
2008: (no pick)
2009: Alex Mack #21
2010: Joe Haden #7
2011: Phil Taylor #21
2012: Trent Richardson #3, DOOPY PANTZ #22
2013: Barkevious Mingo #6
2014: Justin Gilbert #8, JFF #22
2015: Danny Shelton #12, Cameron Erving #19
Jebus Cripes
Good God!
If I ever had a kid, I am so naming him “Barkevious.”
Bring that up on a first date to guarantee no second date.
I have plenty of things to ensure there will be no follow-up call to a bad date, but FS one would probably rank pretty high.
Name him “Mingo” instead. It’s more respectable.
The only thing I’m surprised about is that they had a #21 pick in ’03 AND ’09? They must’ve been trade downs.
They made the playoffs in 2002! They lost in the Wild Card to the Stillers, blowing a 33-16 third quarter lead, because of course they did.
I know that happened, but it still reads like you’re posting rom a parallel universe.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4692320/bikeguy-o.gif
Wwwweeeeeee!
I love this clip so much
Dude, eat a severed ox nut, Jared. And Zales. And Jared. And Lexus. And Jared.
I think eating an attached ox nut would be a more appropriate punishment.
Here’s something I frequently fuck up at this site. I assume that the most recent thread is the one where people are posting.
I find myself checking the number of comments, and the most recent time stamp, more often that I feel I should have to.
Same. I’m a sucker for the recency effect.
Iowa going full Rex Grossman.
This might sound insane, but if Michigan State wins, is there a chance Connor Cook can potentially go down as the greatest Big Ten quarterback of all-time? – John F.
That just doesn’t seem right, but it might not be that far off.
http://collegefootballnews.com/2015/connor-cook-big-tens-greatest-quarterback-ask-cfn
Nah.
“I’ll drink to that.”
–Kyle Orton
http://49.media.tumblr.com/083bb495bbae261590994aece144a999/tumblr_nvqhr82lah1r6ja9oo1_400.gif
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/23200000/Major-League-1989-sports-movies-23262947-1280-720.jpg
“Interesting…”
That is glorious.
dafuq you idiots
Wow.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/1f85ef9858602d618e0d84bb3ce3ad60/tumblr_ndu6xjfejr1qdezf9o1_500.gif
http://41.media.tumblr.com/c6667400c668bdd484b924bf59d6a1ea/tumblr_nya6qquydX1s2jfn0o1_r1_1280.jpg
Yinz guys remember when Trent Richardson won the Heisman?
Nope.
“Richardson was considered the best running back prospect since Adrian Peterson, and one of the top picks of the 2012 NFL draft. The Cleveland Browns selected him with the third-overall pick.”
Seems about right.
Sheesh:
Don’t forget Johnny Football won it, too.
And Vinny Testaverde!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/310a8f80d02532ecfab19f5f03f39d13/tumblr_nu11r2ZLrg1sy7kxko1_1280.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/f49654ed28ae09153bb62f68bddae5d9/tumblr_nu2f5nQ8g71sgv18jo1_250.gif
Iowa-MSU deserves an overtime in which both teams score more than they did in regulation.
http://geekologie.com/2015/12/02/dancing-vans-accident.gif
They see me rollin’, they hatin’…
Anyone else like to get drunk and watch that “Locked Up” show on MSNBC after stumbling back from the bar?
No matter how shitty my life is going at the time, I always feel fucking fantastic watching that show.
I think this makes me a terrible person…
I’m convinced this is why “Hoarders” is still on the air.
Ah shit. USC scored. Formerly quiet USC contingent in the bar at back to their high-spirited antics. C’MON STANFORD! PUT THOSE ADVANCED DEGREES TO WORK!
“It’s alright; it’s OK: you’ll work for us some day!”
“Our GREs are higher! Our GREs are higher!”
I want to see the CFP committee do something insane. Like putting USC into the playoff if they win this game. Or putting ohio state in over the winner of the mich st./iowa because they’ve shown how incompetent they are. Even better would be if they justified one of those decisions by actually saying they wanted a team with a bigger fanbase that would increase ratings to please their corporate overlords.
“Think about what Russell Wilson was able to do in the Big Ten championship game…”
I’m still thinking about what he did in the Super Bowl and all I can say is fuck that guy.
“He won’t let me.” — Ciara
Breaking News!:
Some past his prime pitcher signs a huge contract that means nothing because it is so laden with conditions and options and buyouts.
Not breaking news, who cares if you read this:
Florida police officer admits they screwed up the Winston case, implicates entire institution.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/fd89bcd765a9dc1eb2ab9bc0775a88c4/tumblr_ntz3oyK0aR1rbrhnko1_500.gif
How’d you get a picture of my college girlfriend?
This is all about the NCAA being totally fucked, right?
HEYO
Remember when every white. guilt ridden milquetoast sports writer motherfuckers thought Utah was the best team in the country and had them ranked in the top 4?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_LJtG2gXSc
“…every white, guilt ridden milquetoast sports writer motherfuckers…”
Replace this phrase with “Mormon” please.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/4c98ac002e950922c5cde2ee37b7dce9/tumblr_nt3g6eJ5861uvb28co1_1280.jpg
Damn it.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/cb78e7ee846ec736e2c3f886ed3f2554/tumblr_nkahl88LxU1ramnmyo1_500.gif