EPL Weekend and Hold That Tiger! JV NFL Conference Championship Preview Edition

Welcome once again to all things Lesser Footy! I have no idea if/how to incorporate the coming exhibition games into this format, or whether to graft college basketballing onto the Euro-footy in the winter/spring. The mind, it boggles.

Anyway, last week’s sister kissing in Leicester allowed order to be restored and City to return to the top (goal differential over the Foxes). They get cromulent, pug-ugly 12th place Stoke to kick off the weekend (7:45 EST, NBCSN) as they look to solidify their position. Leicester gets the free falling (but still dangerous, in my view) Swans at 10 (Extra Time), while Manure play 8th place West Ham (10:00, NBCSN). Arsenal, back in their happy place in 4th, should be poised to capitalize on any slip-ups, hosting a rather dreadful Sunderland side (10, NBCSN).

9th place Everton and 7th place Palace square off in British MNF (3:00, NBCSN), in what should be the most evenly-matched fixture of the schedule. The Blues massively shit themselves at Bournemouth last weekend, but gathered themselves and turned in a very strong, professional performance at Middlesboro Tuesday night to advance to the semifinals of the League Cup. Nobody has any idea which Everton will turn up Monday, and whether it will change at halftime. FUN SHIT for the unbalanced fan!

Temple at Houston (Noon, ABC)

I can’t decide whether I like the fact that the better team gets to host the game, or if I more just like laughing at a conference championship that so few people care about that it can’t possibly be held at a neutral site. Anyway, the game itself could be fairly entertaining. Murrikan!!!

Texas at Baylor (Noon, ESPN)

Pointing and laughing at Texas is fun, and BayBay is angry. Good combination.

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

The TV schedule is more or less cleared out for this game, and it’s an absolute turd. The Gators may not break 100 yards of offense. Watch carefully to see if it’s puppy blood instead of Gatorade the players douse Nick Saban with (the tell will be if he smiles).

West Virginia at Kansas State (4:30, FS1)

The game has meaning only for the Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders (bowl qualification), but the cousinfuckers can be entertaining at times. You will want a channel flipping option away from the SEC East derpage, trust me.

USC vs. Stanford (7:45, ESPN)

This game is important to me, in terms of keeping ALL POSSIBLE TALK of Darkest Timeline off the table. It’s pretty clear that the Condi Committee rightly sees the Tree as vastly superior to the Cheating Holes, but David Shaw’s extremely conventional ways will keep the Men of Troy in this one. Game is in Stanford’s backyard, at least.

Michigan State vs. Iowa (8:00, Fox)

First team to 10 wins (if any). Simplest playoff scenario for each, after the already in Boomer Sooner. Win and in, lose and no chance. Watch me look like an asshole and the game ends up 41-38 and the best teevee of the day.

Clemson vs. U*NC (8:00, ABC)

Hippo’s sanity requires a reckoning here. The Cheating Holes need to be put in their place. Clemson needs not to just beat them, but fucking ravage them. Tear them asunder. Make them wish their NCAA punishment had come before this game, so they could have baselessly insisted they would have won out and been national champs “if only everyone wasn’t out to get them.” The NC State/Clemson rivalry is a long one, but a friendly one, and I have no trouble cheering for them full-heartedly (even if Dabo is really, really annoying).

Also, a musical interlude since it’s officially December. I have championed this in the comments, but it deserves feature treatment as it is the single most beautiful performance I have ever heard. I also <3 Hope Sandoval as a fellow extreme introvert. Unlike me, Ms. Sandoval is also stunningly beautiful, so naturally was frequently misunderstood as being stuck up. Sexist bullshit. We are lucky she shared her angelic voice as often as she did.

Here are the complete lyrics, which made me cry like a baby as I typed this alone in my house on a cold Friday morning. This is the perfect winter song, hits me right in the gut, just with the genders reversed LMAO:

Before I let you down again,
I just want to see you in your eyes.
I wouldn’t have taken everything out on you,
I only thought you could understand.

They say every man goes blind in his heart,
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away.
And I got nothing more to say about it
Nothing more than you would me.

Send me your flowers of your December,
Send me your dreams of your candied wine.
I’ve got just one thing I can’t give you
Just one more thing of mine.

They say every man goes blind in his heart
And they say everybody steals somebody’s heart away
And I’ve been wondering why you let me down
And I’ve been taking it all for granted.

I’m such a gloomy fuck sometimes. Now, BEAT SOME GODDAMNED CAROLINA ASS, YOU ORANGE-CLAD CORNPONE MUTHAFUCKAS!!!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Croooow

Unbelievable. Very disappointing to see Iowa choke like that. Hopefully they still get a New Year’s Bowl.

WCS

It would be a friggin’ robbery akin to Bernie Madoff if they don’t go to the Rose Bowl.

Lothar of the Hill People

Iowa in the last 5 minutes of the game:

http://images.japemonster.com/2011/09/daily_gifdump_17_04.gif

blordinaryfagicmox

UNC screwed on the onside kick.

blordinaryfagicmox

COMPLETELY SCREWED! Even the announcers couldn’t defend the refs on that one.

blordinaryfagicmox

I didn’t particularly want UNC to win, just for clemson to lose, but goddamn! The ref who made that call makes the replacement refs look like Abraham Lincoln with the fucking hubble telescope strapped to his head for their judgement and vision.

JustStopDude

That was a pretty fucking fun football game to watch…

Lothar of the Hill People

That was the worst hook-and-lateral I’ve ever seen, including a horrendous one I was part of in college.

Lothar of the Hill People

Well, at least none of the top 4 teams will be undefeated, right?

makeitsnowondem

Got to ice that hook and lateral. That’s just smart football.

Lothar of the Hill People

Iowa QB took a fucking sack. What a stupid Pigfucker. No sow for him tonight.

entropy

Oh. Oh, Iowa.

Lothar of the Hill People

Iowa’s got 27 seconds to get a FG. The Cheesefuckers got a TD in less on Thursday, so the Pigfuckers can do it today.

JustStopDude

Seriously…I love Gus calling these games.

Imagine the MNF clowns doing this game….

/shudders

entropy

Why would you do that us? That wasn’t nice.

Lothar of the Hill People

Holy crap. Gritty touchdown by MSU. Pigfuckers didn’t want to tackle him enough.

JustStopDude

Its amazing how five defenders could not stop one dude from crossing the goal line…

entropy

Nice tackling, Iowa.

entropy

Iowa defense appeared to be lining up for the “penalty kick” formation from the other football….

WCS

If Iowa loses, Fek will unleash his entire army and galactic navy to destroy the Earth. Nice knowing you cheesedicks.

Lothar of the Hill People

Fucking Iowa can’t stop a QB keeper on 4th and 2. Stupid Pigfuckers.

JustStopDude

Should have gone for 3 and then the onside kick…

entropy

That was not how I expected that play to end for MSU.

makeitsnowondem

My desire for an Iowa win is conflicting with my desire for an Extra Drinking Period.

Lothar of the Hill People

Love how the MSU offense came onto the field waving their arms to get the fans to shout louder. Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry smart there, guys.

entropy

I hope the Revenant is shot as one long continuous take, just like Birdman was, because I think that would be hilarious.

Lothar of the Hill People
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening, gents. Buddy of mine hosted a screening of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi on a projector in his back yard, so I’ve had s’mores, popcorn, a few Leffes, and good times.

entropy

I’m not a Star Wars guy, and that still sounds like a kickass time.

ballsofsteelandfury

That sounds pretty cool! I should do that…

WCS

Which did you like better?
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ha. I’ve always been partial to Return, but I enjoyed the shit out of Empire tonight. Regardless, fuck those contractors.

Lothar of the Hill People

Stanford cat: I think I can identify the problem with the USC team:

http://images.japemonster.com/2012/05/Hipster-kitty.gif

Their former coach was a CAT-astrophe!

ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome!

entropy

Am I the only person intrigued by the mom who sings as her baby brushes her hair in that Joseph Gordon Levitt LG phone commercial?

Lothar of the Hill People

With college football, the fun never ends. Like this:

http://media.giphy.com/media/A1jueGBzrZL6E/giphy.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

WHY DOES THAT CLIP END? !?!?

JustStopDude

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Lothar of the Hill People
WCS

Cleveland Browns first-round draft picks since 2000:

2000: Courtney Brown #1
2001: Gerard Warren #3
2002: William Green #16
2003: Jeff Faine #21
2004: Kellen Wilsow II #6
2005: Braylon Edwards #3
2006: Kamerion Wimbley #13
2007: Joe Thomas #3, Brady Quinn #22
2008: (no pick)
2009: Alex Mack #21
2010: Joe Haden #7
2011: Phil Taylor #21
2012: Trent Richardson #3, DOOPY PANTZ #22
2013: Barkevious Mingo #6
2014: Justin Gilbert #8, JFF #22
2015: Danny Shelton #12, Cameron Erving #19

Jebus Cripes

ballsofsteelandfury

Good God!

entropy

If I ever had a kid, I am so naming him “Barkevious.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bring that up on a first date to guarantee no second date.

entropy

I have plenty of things to ensure there will be no follow-up call to a bad date, but FS one would probably rank pretty high.

Lothar of the Hill People

Name him “Mingo” instead. It’s more respectable.

blordinaryfagicmox

The only thing I’m surprised about is that they had a #21 pick in ’03 AND ’09? They must’ve been trade downs.

WCS

They made the playoffs in 2002! They lost in the Wild Card to the Stillers, blowing a 33-16 third quarter lead, because of course they did.

entropy

I know that happened, but it still reads like you’re posting rom a parallel universe.

JustStopDude
WCS

Wwwweeeeeee!

ballsofsteelandfury

I love this clip so much

WCS

Dude, eat a severed ox nut, Jared. And Zales. And Jared. And Lexus. And Jared.

Lothar of the Hill People

I think eating an attached ox nut would be a more appropriate punishment.

Lothar of the Hill People

Here’s something I frequently fuck up at this site. I assume that the most recent thread is the one where people are posting.

entropy

I find myself checking the number of comments, and the most recent time stamp, more often that I feel I should have to.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Same. I’m a sucker for the recency effect.

makeitsnowondem

Iowa going full Rex Grossman.

WCS

This might sound insane, but if Michigan State wins, is there a chance Connor Cook can potentially go down as the greatest Big Ten quarterback of all-time? – John F.
That just doesn’t seem right, but it might not be that far off.

http://collegefootballnews.com/2015/connor-cook-big-tens-greatest-quarterback-ask-cfn

Sill Bimmons

Nah.

Lothar of the Hill People

“I’ll drink to that.”

–Kyle Orton

ballsofsteelandfury

That is glorious.

Sill Bimmons

dafuq you idiots

Croooow

Wow.

WCS

Yinz guys remember when Trent Richardson won the Heisman?

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Sill Bimmons

Nope.

WCS

“Richardson was considered the best running back prospect since Adrian Peterson, and one of the top picks of the 2012 NFL draft. The Cleveland Browns selected him with the third-overall pick.”

Seems about right.

Sill Bimmons

Sheesh:

comment image

Lothar of the Hill People

Don’t forget Johnny Football won it, too.

entropy

And Vinny Testaverde!

makeitsnowondem

Iowa-MSU deserves an overtime in which both teams score more than they did in regulation.

JustStopDude
WCS

They see me rollin’, they hatin’…

JustStopDude

Anyone else like to get drunk and watch that “Locked Up” show on MSNBC after stumbling back from the bar?

No matter how shitty my life is going at the time, I always feel fucking fantastic watching that show.

I think this makes me a terrible person…

Horatio Cornblower

I’m convinced this is why “Hoarders” is still on the air.

Brick Meathook

Ah shit. USC scored. Formerly quiet USC contingent in the bar at back to their high-spirited antics. C’MON STANFORD! PUT THOSE ADVANCED DEGREES TO WORK!

Lothar of the Hill People

“It’s alright; it’s OK: you’ll work for us some day!”

“Our GREs are higher! Our GREs are higher!”

blordinaryfagicmox

I want to see the CFP committee do something insane. Like putting USC into the playoff if they win this game. Or putting ohio state in over the winner of the mich st./iowa because they’ve shown how incompetent they are. Even better would be if they justified one of those decisions by actually saying they wanted a team with a bigger fanbase that would increase ratings to please their corporate overlords.

Horatio Cornblower

“Think about what Russell Wilson was able to do in the Big Ten championship game…”

I’m still thinking about what he did in the Super Bowl and all I can say is fuck that guy.

WCS

“He won’t let me.” — Ciara

blordinaryfagicmox

Breaking News!:
Some past his prime pitcher signs a huge contract that means nothing because it is so laden with conditions and options and buyouts.
Not breaking news, who cares if you read this:
Florida police officer admits they screwed up the Winston case, implicates entire institution.

Horatio Cornblower

How’d you get a picture of my college girlfriend?

Sill Bimmons

This is all about the NCAA being totally fucked, right?

HEYO

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blordinaryfagicmox

Remember when every white. guilt ridden milquetoast sports writer motherfuckers thought Utah was the best team in the country and had them ranked in the top 4?

blordinaryfagicmox
Sill Bimmons

“…every white, guilt ridden milquetoast sports writer motherfuckers…”

Replace this phrase with “Mormon” please.