[Holds hands up]
“Okay, Everyone, it looks like I’ve been asked to give a speech, so here it goes.”
“This little accomplishment in my life reminds me of my days back in high school. See, we had a mandatory health class that was a complete waste of time. It was taught by some lunk-head, who you could tell would much rather be teaching gym than sitting at a desk. Every Friday, we would have a multiple-choice quiz, and this teacher would grade the quizzes and give everyone their grades later in the class, (probably because he didn’t want to take any work home). Now I had a good friend in the morning class, and I didn’t have the class until the afternoon. Since this is a public forum, I won’t give out too much detail, but his name is Mike Lutz, and he is married with two daughters, and he is a teacher in the Washington D.C. area. Now Mike would keep track of his answers my putting marks on his pencil, and he was gracious enough to give me and my other friend, Frank Krapa, his pencil when we would pass him in the hall. We would then use his answers to get an ‘A’ during our later class, despite the fact that we never studied.”
“So one day, Mike tells us that he didn’t do very well on the quiz. He only got a B-. So Frank and I, despite the fact that we never studied for this stupid class, and Mike did, both decided that we could do better than that! We changed around the answers we thought he fucked up and kept the ones we thought he got right. We both ended up doing very poorly because we were cocky dumb-asses.”
“What I’m saying now: It is now time for me to become who I was always destined to be, a cocky dumb-ass. Time for me go down in flames. The process has already started to some degree – I originally had picked San Diego to cover, realized over the weekend that Rivers had the flu, then changed my pick, while cackling to myself over my clever inside information. So enjoy the show, everyone”
(As an aside to the story: my friend Frank, who I guess was trying to curry favor with the rest of the class, gave out Mike Lutz’s answers beforehand. Way to fuck up a good thing, Frank! So most of the rest of the class got identical B minuses and were accused of cheating. The teacher ACTUALLY told the two of us, “I guess you guys didn’t have access to the cheat sheet.” No sir, we’re just retarded).