Christmas Lights: A Discussion

To clear the air, I haven’t been religious since I was eight years old. I would be an atheist but I don’t have the energy for it. Besides, I feel if you take the time to actually have a belief system, it’s really not that different than believing in religion.

I digress.

Every year since I can remember I have had Christmas lights up, in and around my house. I have lights up around the inside of the house as well as outside on the balcony. This year I think the actual total of individual lights is around 2,300. Also important to know that I live in a condo not a house so the sheer number of lights almost borders on insanity. I don’t give a damn, they’re festive!

Some of my favorite light memories go back to the early 80’s when I had a small studio apartment where I kept the lights up year round. I only had a couple of sets and they framed the living room window. I had an upstairs unit and in somewhat of a place of prominence. If you came over the old railroad bridge from old highway 58 into Barstow, the first thing you would see as you entered that God-forsaken shithole of a town would be twinkling Christmas lights. Sometimes in July. You see, during this particular era I was known to dabble with the hallucinogens. I would start to feel the tingling settle in and I would turn on the Christmas lights without giving a shit about the time of year. There was something magical about having the lights on during this type of event. The colors added a depth to your field of vision, it actually enhanced and added nuance to the music you listened to and added almost a texture to the atmosphere. Awesome stuff. It helped to have the appropriate mood music in place. Usually something like Pink Floyd, Talking Heads, Laurie Anderson, Bauhaus etc.

Now since I haven’t fucked with the stuff since before the start of this millennium I just have the lights up for atmosphere. And of course to show up the neighbors.

The basics: the lights go up on December 1st and come down New Years Day. They are turned on at sunset and are turned off at bed time, none of that overnight shit except maybe on Christmas Eve for the inside lights only. All strings of lights MUST flash, no strings that are just “ON”. Whatever happened to twinkling lights, you know, when each individual light blinked on it’s own schedule?? Remember them? They used to be the shit, now all you can get are flashing strings. The fuck is that?

And finally: (all caps for a reason) MULTI-COLOR LIGHTS ONLY!

I mean, just LOOK at this shit!

Or this! Holy fucking Jesus! Look at this!

What the fuck is that?! “Nope, kids! White is the only color we need!”

That’s fucking racist! Who the fuck doesn’t like more color in life? I’m one of those folks who has a slight colorblind issue with the red/green thing (fuck you NFL for the Jets vs. Bills Thursday Night Color Rush game) and even I wouldn’t use all white. I still see plenty of colors my brain just interprets a couple of them differently. I respect the fact that the folks made the effort to put up their lights but goddammit! They are all the same color. I mean, just, FUCK!

Now here’s a different effort:

I know a few fine “establishments” in rural Nevada where these might be more applicable but it just doesn’t look Christmasy. Maybe for Halloween.

Now these people are getting there:

It’s kind of cool. I mean literally it makes me cold just looking at it. Have you watched the series “Fargo? goddamn I love that show but it makes me cold as fuck just watching it. Now these lights, I get the whole Winter vibe thing but still a little too monochromatic for my taste.

Now compare those to this:

Now that’s some goddamn color right there! Look at these crazy motherfuckers! I bet all of their fucking neighbors hate these excessive assholes! Holy shit, I bet you could get a tan just walking past this fucking display. The colors, though? That’s the shit I’m talking about.

It’s supposed to be a festive time of year. Do solid white lights make you feel festive or make you feel like you’re in a police line-up? Not that I have any experience with that type of thing.

I hope this little diatribe has inspired you. Maybe you’ll string together a few lights, have a nice cocktail and watch the beautiful lights. Or maybe this will encourage you to use multi-color lights from here on. Or maybe this just makes you want to drop acid and listen to Pink Floyd. That’s cool too.

Happy holidays, folks!.