Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 16

Hey, that weird shit all totally happened. Not a fever dream or acid flashback, that I can gather.

First, let us go back to Saturday’s Thurday Night game and congratulate the Redacteds on clinching the Special Needs Division title. They did it in fine/fitting form, with Kirk Cousins making perhaps the stupidest individual play one will ever see a non-concussed professional athlete make. YET HE WON. HANDILY.

Who didn’t win? The goddamned Carolina Panthers, that’s who. Apparently, the roadkill Falcons decided to play defense for the first time in two months, Julio Jones converted a 4th quarter circus catch TD, and that was enough for the perfect season shattering win. Cam is still your MVP, though. The other distant contenders had WAY worse days (read on).

Dreamboat went to Joisey, and kind of got his shit pushed in. Only a BloodSugarFitzMagic fumble-six kept the P*ts even within shouting distance for the late, tying score (a short Brady pass to James White). But with two timeouts and less than a minute left, Belicheat ordered a kneel down and played for OT, then KICKED AWAY after winning the coin toss (hilariously, Matthew Slater didn’t defer, or say he wanted to choose the end of the field to defend, but rather yelled “we want to kick” so the Jets got the best of both worlds). Clinically, these new, robotically effective Jets marched right down the field for a TD and a 26-20 win.

That win became “control your destiny in Week 17” when the Yinzers lost in Charm City to Ryan Mallet. Yep, THAT Ryan Mallet, kicked off the muthaflippin’ TEXANS for general not-giving-a-fuckery (though you think he’d fit in perfectly ,, smgdh). Plucked off the street a few weeks ago, maybe or maybe not with a basic understanding of the Ravens’ playbook. Even though a Ratbird 99-yard pick six got called back for offside, resulting in a 14-point swing. Stillers still lose, 20-17. Nobody showed up but DeAngelo, and that wasn’t enough.

The Chefs lolligagged it through their Sunday home date with The Factory as well, but being The Factory, half an ass was just enough. Johnny Fuckin’ Situational Awareness completed a first down pass on 4th and 13, but in the middle of the field and the clock ran out at 17-13, KC. Hey, he broke the century mark rushing though, so there’s that. Should get him an extra fake laugh with his lap dances tonight.

So…recapping the AFC. Chefs are IN (and win the tiebreakers against Denver for the division). Jets win if’n they beat the Bills (Jets fans tremble at the horror of the simplicity and what that likely means). Stillers need to beat the Browns and have either Denver or the Jets lose out.

No, the weirdness was not over. Not by a long shot. Most people doubted the Rams/SeaTruthers would be competitive, and it wasn’t. But it was the Rams who were in control from start to finish, and only garbage time made the score look respectable. Jeff Fisher’s moustache absolutely LOVES the Pacific Northwest. I can’t explain it, just know that it’s a thing, and when the line gets crazy like it was (13.5 at one point), bet the fuck out of the underdog Rams. Maybe the silver lining for Seattle will be avoiding the death trap of the (poorly) spray painted parking lot annex of suburban D.C. in Wild Card Weekend.

Among the more critical losses? The Green Bay Packers’ basic dignity as a franchise. They got absolutely bludgeoned. Had this been a fight, even of the methed-out, Ukrainian gangster-ish MMA varietal…someone would have stepped in and stopped it before the 3rd quarter ended. I have no fucking clue how Mike McCarthy gets his team back after a Week 16 game like that, especially if his relationship with Rodgers was already getting frayed. On the other sideline, Arizona is the true heavyweight beast of the NFL, and I think the best football team overall by a considerable margin. Really don’t know what their weak spot is, or how you go about attacking them.

Other things did happen, but mostly forgettable ones. Doopy Pants’ Playoff Engine That Could kept rolling on, 34-6 over the Very Sad No Good Tennessee Titans. The Doop is in with a win over The Franchise Formerly Known As Team of Destiny Jaguras next week, or if Clipboard Jesus (a divinely-inspired winner over the hapless Dolphins in the humidity) loses to those same Titans, because He knows not what He does. /dodges lightning bolts

The Lions and 49ers were playing a pretty fun game early, but then it turned to predictable, one-sided shit. I expected more from a bunch of Tomsula men. Megatron scored, which was nice for the few hundred homeless fans who stumbled in to get out of the rain and/or cold (fuck you, I ain’t no weatherman).

John Fox’s Bears continue to be the most weirdly unpredictable team in the league, winning on the road in Tampa, 26-21. Rapey Jameis DID complete a Hail Mary to my 20-team league TE (Seferian Jenkins) with 1 second left, which was pretty neat. I still got my ass kicked.

I know that there are sadder things in the world than that Tyrod Taylor/Kellen Moore showdown in the WNY cold rain, but fuck me, it’s hard to come up with a very long list of ’em.

The Saints and Jaguras also like, totally played a footy contest. Points were many, but if you want to be all competitive and douchey about it, New Orleans had a few more. But Jacksonville tried their best and their moms want you to know they are very proud and it’s hard to make ANY professional footy side at all!

Going to bed midway through the 3rd quarter, but I bet Minny continues to soundly roger the G-Men. And it really doesn’t matter either way.