Owners Meeting — NFL Headquarters

Owners of all 32 teams are standing around the room conversing quietly.  A palpable tension fills the room as owners wait for Commissioner Roger Goodell to arrive.

[Goodell enters and everyone sits]

Goodell: Thanks for coming, everyone. This is a pivotal time for the NFL in terms of image and financial growth. I know that our image has taken quite a beating lately and frankly I don’t expect it to get any easier. The movie Concussion is about to hit theaters. Will Smith is demanding truth in an African accent. It’s very persuasive. As such, we need to discuss further countermeasures to the concussion issue in today’s meeting.

Bob Kraft: We’re well aware of your agenda, Roger. We’re also all well-aware of our league’s unfortunate image issues.

[Owners all nod approvingly and chatter among one another]

Goodell: Good.  Then, I’d like to propose a few idea to–

Kraft: Actually Roger, we’ve spent the past few weeks discussing how to solve our current problems and we have an idea of our own.

Goodell: Alright, Bob. I’m all ears.

[Martha Ford stands up]

Martha Ford: I know I’m new to this group, but the NFL has been a in my family’s blood for a long time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, the NFL is the league of the working man. We need to remember our roots. We need someone who can communicate to the public that hard work that eventually leads to crippling injuries for the profit of a select few is the foundation of America.  We need someone who appeals to the “Do Your Job” demographic but doesn’t hate the press.

Stan Kroenke: …

Ford: Yes, Stan.  That’s exactly who I’ve thought of. He’s someone who’s done some great work for each of us in the past and I think he’s the perfect man for a very important job.

[Door flies open]

Mike Rowe: I heard someone needs a job filled? Perhaps one that is dirty?

[Everyone in room laughs except Goodell]

Rowe: That line works every time.

Kraft:  Mike!  It’s a pleasure to have you here. I really admire your work. You truly are a champion for the blue-collar, hard-working man.

Rowe: Thanks, Mr. Kraft. Work hard and smart: That’s my motto and it needs to be America’s motto again.

Goodell: It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Rowe. But what exactly are you here to do for the National Football League?

Mike: Well, Mrs. Ford and Mr. Kroenke called me and explained the league’s situation. It’s a shame. Football embodies so many of that values that have made America great and it seems people are forgetting that you can’t make something great without getting a little dirty. I think I can help.

Goodell:  Well, that’s great. But we have a great marketing department right now. We treat our fans as family–families that need to buy officially-licensed gear from NFL Shop.com.

Rowe: Well, I’m a natural salesman. Selling is what I do. Name something–anyone. I’ll sell it right now.

Jimmy Haslam: The Flying J!

Rowe: The Flying J is a welcome respite for America’s hardest, toughest, and justifiably stimulant-filled workers: truck drivers.

Zygi Wilf: Adrian Peterson.

Rowe: You have to admire a man who will work all day.  He’s passionate about discipline and loves working with his hands. He won’t let his kids complain. I respect that. Some people would just expect a kid to behave on his own.

Jim Irsay: Vicodin.

Rowe: An effective and safe pain killer that helps relieve the burden of pain and get the average American back to work building America.

Jim Irsay: No, I meant can you sell me some Vicodin? I can’t find a doctor who will give me more.

Dan Snyder: The name “[*Redacted] s.”

Rowe: I don’t like to involve myself in partisan politics. Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, they’re all about disagreement and accusing each other of bias rather than solving problems. They’re profoundly disconnected.^TM  I’m all about solutions and making TV shows that talk about my solutions.

That’s what my organization MikeRoweWorks is all about. I give a handful of people money to skip college and get training for welding jobs, have them sign a pledge to never complain about their circumstances, tell them to go to North Dakota, and set straight the foolish people who object to my cause. Too many people think they’re too good to get their hands dirty. I did those jobs for a day and those employers were really nice. My camera man and production crew had nothing but good things to say about them. I was honored to take time off between my voice-over jobs and lend my name to make those jobs look good.

Why do I do it? We have a crisis in America today. We send everyone to college find their passion and what do we get? A generation with a giant pile of debt that can’t weld and complains about football team names! Some passion! They complained about a football team name in North Dakota and did it accomplish anything? Of course not. People there have better things to do. But these elitist, entitled, Bernie Sanders loving, sheepskin-holders think they know better. Can you believe it? These people expect to get a dream job with dream hours and dream pay they expect their football team to have a dream name. The truth is you need to lower your standards and take what you can get: for your job, for your dreams, and for your football team.

Synder: … Holy shit. You’re good.

Rowe: I pitched for Wal-Mart.  Great people, by the way. They pay well.

Mark Davis: My haircut!

[Rowe opens mouth but says nothing and thinks intently for a few seconds before shrugging]

Goodell:  Ah ha! You can’t sell just anything after all! This is the NFL not QVC, Mr. Rowe. We aren’t selling blenders or home haircut kits or cheap jewelry; we’re selling something far greater: The Shield itself! A proud institution built upon the modern gladiatorial combat staged inside arenas paid for by pilfering the coffers of the American public. We endorse gambling, drinking, and whatever depraved shit those people in Buffalo do between games provided it involves buying from our sponsors. That is our dirty business, Mr. Rowe, and we sell it well. We don’t need you to patronize and pacify the common man! We do that already without some fancy spokesman!

Rowe:  Spokesman? I’m confused. I was told–

[Kraft raises his hand to interrupt Rowe]

Kraft:  Mike. Let me tell him.

[Goodell looks around confused.  Kraft walks over to Goodell and puts his hand on Goodell’s shoulder.]

Kraft: Listen… Roger. We’ve been friends for a long time and I value that. But your recent track record has been… less than stellar. The PR gaffes, the nonsensical punishments that keep getting reversed–it’s all making us look bad. Plus, Peter King calls at all hours of the night asking about you. I’m tired of that. Now, the public is pushing back against our stadium plans. This is a mess. Right now, we need someone who will take the take the reins of this league and let us look clean despite the fact our work is very–

Rowe: [smiling] Dirty?

[Everyone laughs except Goodell]

Kraft: Ha. Yeah. That doesn’t get old somehow.

Goodell: Oh… oh God! You’re… replacing me! With… HIM?! OH GOD! This is another one of Belichick’s evil ideas, wasn’t it?!

Kraft: Actually, no. He’s been busy with finding creative new ways to screw over his opponents. That guy is something else.  But he’s been grumbling about how he’s sick of your shit, so I’m sure he’ll approve.

Goodell: I can’t believe this! A career shill is going to run this league? What a joke! He’s not qualified!  What does he know about keeping the union in check?

Jerry Richardson: Actually, we think he’s going to be really good ensuring the NFLPA doesn’t get more than they deserve during the next round of labor negotiations. He’s big on the “be grateful for whatever we give you” thing.

Rowe: I’ll have every player sign my S.W.E.A.T. pledge before they’re allowed to play. See, in between my jobs selling things, I’ve gotten a great understanding of how people tick. They would prefer not to work and NFL players are no exception. Under my watch, every player will pull up his pants, say please and thank you, piss clean, and attend every practice. No more funny business.

[Owners all nod approvingly]

Goodell: And the stadiums. What about the stadiums?

Rowe: Oh, I can sell that to taxpayers and city councils. People relate my no-nonsense, anti-elistist approach that accepts nothing but hard work and puts the whiners in their place. I’ll promise a bunch of jobs. Stadium construction requires lots of welding.

Goodell: [increasingly panicked] What about punishing players? I invented punishing players! NO ONE PUNISHES LIKE I DO.

Jerry Jones: YEEHAW! ROWE’S GOT SOME CRAZY IDEAS FOR THAT, TOO! I KNOW BECAUSE I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Rowe: Yup. My Dirty Jobs contacts need cheap labor and publicity, so for each player’s piss, pants, or politeness infraction, I can arrange it so that players are fined with, say, a week of shoveling shit on some farm.

Goodell: Wait! That not better than my punishments!  Those will all get overturned faster than crushed pills going up Irsay’s nose!

[Irsay rushes to pull something powdery off the table]

Rowe: I don’t think so. I’ve already lined up a TV partner to air it all. Wal-Mart has signed on as a major sponsor. They think it’ll make them look better by comparison and we’ll make this much…

[Writes large number on paper and shows it to owners.  Owners gasp.]

Rowe: That’s this year.

Kroenke: !!!

Kraft: I know. He’s good.

[Goodell is wide-eyed and in shock. He falls into his chair, slumping and feeling defeated.]

Goodell: I’m finished. Done in by a TV salesman. Just like the old gypsy woman said.

Virginia McCaskey: [Angrily] I’m not a gypsy, you soulless homunculus!

Rowe: Hey, man. Don’t worry. Just work hard and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.  At least you’re not being replaced by Luke Wilson.  I’m way better looking. But get that chin up!  I’ve got something to cheer you up.

[Door flies open, pizza delivery man enters and puts pies on the conference table]

Goodell: Well… I do like pizza. I usually wait until after the meeting to eat… but…

[Goodell reaches out for a slice but Rowe knocks his hand away]

Rowe: Sorry, you’ll have to wait your turn.  Go wash your hands.  They look… dirty.

[Entire room bursts out laughing… except Goodell]

The Double J:  YEEHAW!  I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY MORE THAN A PAIR OF BATHROOM HOOKERS!