(You are reading this because Balls of Steel is a horrible gambler and decided that Blake fucking Bortles actually had a chance against the Mighty Hoyer Country.)

Kids, gather ’round ole Kenny.  I’m gonna tell ya ’bout the man that taught me everything I know about bettin’.  Yup, the ORIGINAL gambler hisself, DTZM.

Before I do, though, I want to remind you that you can still pick up some of my famous chicken in Bangladesh, the Phillipines, Dubai, AND Malaysia for a low low price with some excellent sides!

But, I digress.

This man, DTZM, has been put on Missouri’s “Exclusion” list more times than I can remember.  Why do you think he goes by DTZM?  He is a man of many names.  Remember the old adage, “Never gamble with a man whose name is a city or state.”?  Yeah, that applies to DTZM multiple times.  He’s gone by Festus Pete, Black Jack McGee,  and Missouri Szyslak among others.  He is always one step in front of THE MAN, though.  I admire that about him.

I lost a bet one time (never mind what it was about) and he forced me to make my retrospective album cover this:

If you don’t think I regret that to this day, you don’t know anything.  But that’s DTZM for you.  He’ll strip you to your underwear, but you’ll come out of it laughing and a better man for it.  Or woman.  Now that I think about it, I know someone wants to say a few words:

Dolly Parton:  Thanks, Kenny!  I tell ya, that DTZM is quite a character!  One time, we’re in a poker game with Kenny, DTZM, me, Texas Dolly, and Amarillo Slim.  Two Dollys in one table, imagine that! Anyway, it’s a showdown between me and DTZM and I’m plumb out of cash, but I figure I’d raise the stakes to see if he’ll lay down his cards.  Since my boobs were on the table, they’re part of table stakes, right?  So I tell DTZM, ‘ok, I’mma raise you my two most precious assets.  I lose this hand, I’ll get the breast reduction surgery I’ve been thinking about.  If I win, I get the rest of your money.’

Well, what does DTZM do?  He says to me, ‘Dolly, you will do no such thing!  Those babies are a National Treasure and it would be treacherous act to do anything to them!  I know I’ve got you beat, but I cannot allow that to happen.’  With that, he showed the nuts and folded his hand.  That right there is a gentleman!  I tried to pay him back in my own special way after the game was over, but he would not allow me to.  Said something about Kelly Kapowski.  I tell you, I will never forget that day.  That decision has allowed me to stay the legend I am today.  I am forever indebted to him.

Kenny:  That’s a heck of a story, Dolly!  Yeah, I remember that day.  If I remember correctly, you and he cleaned the rest of us out.  He still ended up winning money.

I don’t know if many of you know this, but DTZM is in the computer game.  I don’t know much about that, but I can tell you this.  This man:

is NOT Bill Benter.  You draw your own conclusions.

I have one more person here with me that wants to talk about DTZM.  Go ahead, sweetie.

Jessica Simpson:  I met DTZM through Kenny when he accompanied Kenny on the shoot for the Nick & Jessica Variety Hour!  Yeah, I can’t believe I was married to that douchebag either!  But you want to know who showed me the light and got me thinking about dropping that loser?  Yup, DTZM!  I saw in him all the qualities I wanted in a man.  Compared to the man-child I was married to, DTZM was a Roman God! Or Greek.  Whatever.

In any case, since that day, I’ve been looking for a gambler like DTZM.  Tony Romo didn’t work out, but now I’m a happy woman and I owe it all to DTZM!  If marrying a guy from Yale isn’t a gamble, I don’t know what is!

Kenny:  What’s that?  Oh, ok.  Well, it looks like it’s time for ole Kenny to head out.  Before I do, though, I want you to remember that I care

Y’all have a great day and tell DTZM I said hey.  And slap him on the ass for me.  Hard.