Oak Island is a 140 acre island located off of the south shore of Nova Scotia.  For more than 200 years people of all types and backgrounds have searched for treasure supposedly hidden away on the island.  To date almost nothing has been found.  Still people continue to pursue the fame and fortune that would accompany the discovery of any treasures, which are rumored to include pirate gold, a Roman outpost, Spanish treasures, your mom’s little black book, the Ark of the Covenant and other equally incredible and possibly evil things.In 2014 the History Channel began airing ‘The Curse of Oak Island’ a documentary-type series focusing on a group of modern treasure hunters led by the brothers Rick and Marty Lagina.  The Lagina brothers for real bought most of the island and now spend lots of time and money digging it up.

This year the History Channel, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from their in-unbelievably-poor-taste show ‘Hunting Hitler’, and the NFL, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from, well, name it really, have agreed to have a real NFL coach pop in for each episode to lend their motivational and strategic expertise to find something besides water and mud.

This week it’s Andy Reid, current head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, who suddenly has more time on his hands than he can handle.  In other words, any time at all.

(Marty Lagina walks into the on-site shed on a beautiful morning, coffee in hand, ready to go.  Rick Lagina is already inside, going over maps)

Morning Rick.  Man it’s a great day on Oak Island!  Weather couldn’t be better for a dig.  We’ve got all the equipment lined up and ready to go to.  For once everything’s running on time.  We should make some real progress today.  Maybe we can find another coin!  Or even a vague radar hit indicating either a treasure chest or a lump of rock!

You said it Marty.  I haven’t seen a day so lined up for progress since we started this project.  It’s almost like we’re a football team facing a beat-up opponent trying to integrate recently returned players in an all-or-nothing game!  We have every advantage.

Marty:  That’s a mighty forced metaphor Rick.  Speaking of football, who’s our special guest coach this week?

Rick:  I’m pretty sure it’s a simile Marty; I used “like” before making the comparison.  A simile is a metaphor using ‘like’ or ‘as’; since I used ‘like’ it has to be a simile.

Marty:  No, I’m pretty sure that you used ‘like’ so as to modify the situation you were describing rather than the actual comparison you were making.  In other words, as you used ‘like’ it related to “it’s almost” rather than to the comparison between ourselves and a football team facing a high pressure play-off game in which we need to maximize all of our skills, most especially time management.  Here, hand me that white board with our map of Borehole 10X and I’ll diagram the sentence.

(There follows two hours of rather civilized grammar-related discussion that is later synthesized as a cure for insomnia)

Marty:  …and that’s why this is really a metaphor and, most particularly, why The Blue Book can eat a bag of dicks.  Holy crap, we’ve really burned some daylight here.  We gotta stop wasting the day.

Rick:  I wouldn’t say we’ve wasted anything Marty.  We’ve learned a lot about grammar and that’s what this show is first and foremost about, education.

Marty:  We’re on the History Channel Rick, this show doesn’t have dick to do with education.

Rick:  Good point.

Marty:  So who’s the coach this week?  And why isn’t he here?  We’ve gotta start moving.  Some of this leased equipment has to go back tomorrow and we need daylight to film.

Rick: (checks list, which is smeared with sauce) Uh, looks like this week we’ve got Andy Reid.  Well that explains the catering bill anyway.  Hey, wasn’t he supposed to be here last week? We could have gotten out to a nice early start and made some real progress before this week.  We’d be just about to put this thing to bed with some early prep.

Marty:  Yeah but he called twice to put it off,  Said he was stuck, things hadn’t worked out according to his early plan and he needed some time to work out the adjustments.  Said we’d have plenty of time in the second week.

Rick:  Well if he gets here soon we can still get out there, take some chances, maybe push our luck and still pull it off.  Look outside and see if you can see him.

/Marty goes to door and looks outside

Marty:  He’s not here.  Nothing but a walrus off the beach.

Rick:  A walrus!?  What the hell?  Let me see that.  (Rick goes to the door)

Rick:  I’ll be damned.  What is that thing doing here?  Aren’t those things endemic to the Pacific?

Marty:  Not necessarily.  There’s an Atlantic sub-species, O. r. rosmarus, but they usually range much farther north.

Rick:  Really?  Are you sure?  I’ve never heard of them in the Atlantic.

Marty:  Oh yeah, absolutely.  Here, c’mon back inside and I’ll go through this 3 hour Power Point I have on walruses, which serves no purpose that is even remotely related to our end game here, but which we will now spend an inordinate amount of time going over.

(they do exactly that for three hours)

Rick:  …so that’s why it’s my opinion that O. r. rosmarus and O. r. divergens are really the same species and why Carl Linnaeus can eat a bag of dicks.

Marty:  I don’t necessarily disagree with you Rick but that still doesn’t explain O. r. laptevi.

Rick:  Oh fuck O. r. laptevi.

Marty:  Holy shit!  It’s nearly dark!  We only have an hour or two left in the day.  We gotta move!  Where is Andy Reid?

/door flies open

Andy Reid:  Hey guys!  Ready to get to work?  I just took a refreshing five-hour dip and that really has me up and ready to go!

Marty:  A five hour dip?

Rick:  In the North Atlantic?

Both:  How are you not dead?

Andy:  Oh.  Well, (chuckles), as you may have noticed I’m a little heavier than your average human…

Rick: (muttering) no need to limit the species

Andy:  (simultaneously glaring and licking mustard off his fingers), and as a result I’ve built up a thick layer of blubber, similar to a polar bear, and that allows me to spend an inordinate amount of time just bobbing around in cold water, accomplishing nothing of any significance.

Marty:  With all due respect Coach humans and polar bears are an impossible comparison.  That does’t make any sense.

Andy:  I thought you might say that.  That’s why I have this physiologist with me to compare my medical records to your average polar bear’s physical characteristics…

Rick:  Uh, we really don’t have the time for this…

Andy:  We have plenty of time.  This’ll only take an hour.

Marty:  No really.  It gets dark earlier this far north, especially at this time of year.

Andy:  If we start losing the daylight I’ll just challenge the sunset and we’ll get it reset.  Easy peasy Japanesey.  Speaking of Japanese that time in the water made me hungry.  You guys got any sushi around?

Rick:  Uh, no.  And I don’t think you can challenge time Coach.

Andy:  Sure you can.  Just ask noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Neil?

Neil:  Hi guys.  What can I do for you?

Rick:  Seriously, where am I?  What the hell is going on?

Marty:  (Looks at schedule.  The sauce has been licked off)  Uh, looks like this week is also a cross-over with PBS; something about “enhancing our educational credibility as a station”.

Rick:  They run a show based on the premise that Hitler escaped and ran off to South America.  Their “educational credibility” is farther below surface than the goddamn Bismarck.

Andy:  Speaking of Robert Ballard I once met him and would now like to tell you, at great length, what he said to me…

Marty:  (Points at wrist)

Andy:  (Stares blankly)

Rick:  WE DON’T HAVE ANY MORE TIME!!!!!

Andy:  Oh, I’ll just challenge that and we’ll add more time.  I can totally get us another 5-6 hours right Neil?

Neil:  No.  No you cannot.  That is not how time works at all.  You clearly have no idea of time or how to use it and HEY!  Watch it!

Neil:  What the hell are you doing?

Andy:  I’m challenging your decision that I can’t challenge time.  I think I should get 6 extra hours to do this show and find the treasure.

Neil:  What are you…are you insane?  The Earth revolves around the sun in a 365 day cycle.  That’s a year.  As the Earth circles the sun it also rotates, in a 24 hour cycle.  For roughly 12 hours each cycle, more or less depending on latitude, each hemisphere is exposed to the sun, or what we call “daylight”; during the remaining time it is dark, or what we call “night time”.  This isn’t subject to argument or judgm…HEY!

Andy:  I challenge your argument.

Neil:  You’re challenging my statement that the Earth rotates in 24 hour cycles as it revolves around the sun in 365 day cycles?

Andy:  Yes.  Also do you know of any 24 hour diners around here?  I could use some steak and eggs.

Neil:  (stares at Andy for a good 10 minutes)  Your challenge is denied.  The call on the field as to the nature of time and the Earth’s rotation is confirmed.

Andy:  Ok.  Bad news guys, they…Hey, where are Rick and Marty?

Neil:  They left an hour ago.  As did all of our viewers.