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Thy Kingdome Come…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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INT. KITCHEN – DAY

A well-built young black man crosses his kitchen and opens the door of a stainless steel refrigerator. He pulls out several ingredients. As he closes the door and steps away, a pale young white man in a leather jacket is revealed.

MACKLEMORE: There he is. Look at that bad man, gettin’ his smoothie on.

—

EXT. SWIMMING POOL – DAY

The young black man sits with his feet in the water.  MACKLEMORE stands half-submerged in the water.

MACKLEMORE: Bad man, gettin’ his feet wet. Who’s that bad man gettin’ his feet wet?

pool

MACKLEMORE: This is Russell Wilson country. [sniffs] And this…Russell Wilson air.

bird

MACKLEMORE: You see that? [pointing] Whose bird is that?

RUSSELL WILSON: [bobbing his head] That’s Russell Wilson’s bird.

[cloud flies open]

lightning_strike

A bolt of lightning emerges from the heavens, striking the water and electrocuting MACKLEMORE but miraculously leaving RUSSELL WILSON unharmed. MACKLEMORE’S charred corpse slides underwater, and RUSSELL WILSON cringes in terror, gazing skyward.

GOD: THE FUCK IT IS! THAT’S MY FUCKIN’ BIRD, RUSSELL.

WILSON: Oh my Lord, dear Lord, please forgive me my sin of pride.

GOD: YOU WANT TO FEEL PRIDE ABOUT SOMETHING, FEEL PRIDE ABOUT THAT SMOOTHIE. YOU MADE IT, YOU OWN IT. IT’S A GODDAMNED FINE SMOOTHIE. AND SOME TWELVE YEAR-OLD IN HONDURAS CAN FEEL PRIDE ABOUT THAT OFFICIALLY LICENSED SEAHAWKS T-SHIRT YOU’RE WEARING AVAILABLE FOR $34.99 AT NFLSHOP.COM WHERE YOU CAN GET THE LATEST OFFICIALLY LICENSED NFL GEAR.  THAT’S FINE, LITTLE PABLO HAS EARNED A BIT OF PRIDE PLUS THE $0.68 PER GARMENT THE NFL SUBCONTRACTORS ARE PAYING HIM.  BUT I MADE THAT BIRD. SO THAT’S MY GODDAMNED BIRD.  AND THAT’S MY GODDAMNED AIR.

WILSON: [mumbling] Our father, who art in heaven…

GOD: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, RUSSELL? WE HAD A DEAL. I SET ‘EM UP, YOU KNOCK ‘EM DOWN. YOU REMEMBER THAT?

WILSON: …hallowed be thy name…

GOD: I SET YOU UP FOR THE GREATEST COMEBACK IN PLAYOFF HISTORY AND YOU BLEW IT!

WILSON: …thy kingdom come…

GOD: [taking a deep breath] Now listen, I’m very sorry about last year.  I’ve told you that a dozen times.  Belichick cut himself a little deal with an ex-staffer of mine and I got caught by surprise.  That’s on me.  But this year was supposed to set that right!  I put all the pieces in place.  I’m disappointed in you, Russell.  You have forsaken me, in both thought and deed.

WILSON: My Lord…no!

GOD: That’s right Russell.  I told you what would happen.

—

INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

A beautiful young woman paces back and forth in a lavish hotel suite.  A gift basket rests on the desk, and a room service cart with numerous delicacies sits untouched just inside the door.  A number of designer gowns and outfits are hanging on a rack by the closet.  She appears to want for nothing, but the woman seems…unsatisfied.  Suddenly, her cellphone pings.

[cellphone flies open]

full

 

 

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Sharkbait

All I pictured when God was yelling at Russel Wilson:
http://mydivx.lihoman.ru/order/direct/monty/gilliam.holy.grail2.jpg

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

/THREADJACK

bleacherreport.com/articles/2609144-ray-rice-to-coach-running-backs-at-nflpa-collegiate-bowl

/END THREADJACK

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...

I just saw “Brett Favre” and “thread jack” and thought that was a pretty harsh dick joke.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

FREEJACK!

comment image

/FREEJACK

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Old School Zero

Sex Cannon: “I WANNA BALL!”

Ciara: “AND I’M GONNA SCORE!”

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makeitsnowondem

CUM AND TAKE IT

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Don T

Arbitrary, hot head God with an axe to grind is the best. The head writer of the New Testament should’ve been that generation’s Jeff Fisher.

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blaxabbath

I’m glad you wrote this. It’s about time someone took the Seahawks down a peg or two. But not like Cam did; I mean do it with some class.

http://sports.cbsimg.net/images/blogs/camletter1.jpg

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Bloody Lethal

This batshit lady notwithstanding, I fucking hate Cam Newton.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, he seems like such a terrible person, rotten to the core.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Classless? But Cam went to Auburn, not UNC.

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Bloody Lethal

comment image

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You said it all here.

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...

While Deadspin is usually shit nowadays, the champion comment in response to this was something along the lines of, “I’ll bet that’s the maddest she’s been in all four years she’s been a fan.”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This response to that dig was my favorite. The only way this person would understand the word “sarcasm” would be if you wrote it on the end of a hammer and beat them senseless with it.

Veiled “Bandwagon Fan” quote is still a “Bandwagon Fan” quote. Too bad you didn’t have the balls to actually say it, eh?

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...

Why have brains when you can have BALLS instead?

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s my motto.

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Bloody Lethal

Cam still hasn’t gotten past that whole stealing something and throwing it away immediately after thing.

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litre_cola

We ll we know Jameis has rewatched that tape many times and still is confused.

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blaxabbath

Then, as with all things Jameis finds alone with him in his room, he raped the rape.

http://i.imgur.com/E5EmzNq.jpg

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, we all know that once you make a mistake in college that nothing you ever do can make up for it, particularly if it was a petty crime of something even less than that. A person like that never changes, he’s just a thug. This fine lady has a point. Doing more in your community than most pro players consistently is just an act, his “type”; he probably steals from then cancer kids he’s “helping.” We sure know you and all your friends and family were perfect angels during that period in your lives. Those “celebrations”? Those are urban taunting and glory boy attention grabbers, not like J.J. Watt, a real American who is really celebrating the American way and he does it harder, with good country music or how good old boy Bret Favre used to; hell, he was just enjoying the spot and being a kid out there, he didn’t listen to no hiphop. That “rape” and stuff, well that’s just boys being boys. Yeah, I see where you are coming from.

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Horatio Cornblower

Dear Sarah,

Fuck Off.

Sincerely,

The rest of us.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait, wait; she talks to the same bearded white man in the sky that Russell Wilson talks to; you might want to back off there, pal.

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laserguru

Is it possible to have an alternate ending where Russell Wilson receives the “smote” option?

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laserguru

And I suppose Ciara could receive the “Smoot” option.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What were you smoting when you wrote this?

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ballsofsteelandfury

FYI to everybody, I haven’t had a chance to write up the gambling post yet, but if anyone wants to read the horrifying true story of me watching Love Actually because I lost a bet, head on over to BBM. I hope you will enjoy it.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That cell phone screenshot might be your finest moment. Awesome!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw, thanks! Fun fact: there is no emoji for “cannon”, I had to steal it from the Arsenal logo.

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Don T

I knew it! Props galore.

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laserguru

Unleash the dragon!

Outstanding.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For this particular ride, I think Rex might go with this:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Trent Green is also the type of guy that says “the pudding is delicious!”

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Bloody Lethal

I’m sorry that you probably had to watch this commercial again to write this.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They use the same backbeat for the traffic report on the radio here in L.A. I can’t escape it.

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...

“Whose traffic is this? It’s Russell Wilson’s traffic.”

/RTD shoots radio, drives off overpass

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My own personal re-enactment of RIVERS CARR RIVERS CARR.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m still chuckling over this. It conjures up a bunch of Family Circus type imagery of Ida Know and Not Me. “Whose mess is this?” “It’s Russell Wilson’s mess!”

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blaxabbath

“A well-built young black man crosses his kitchen…”

I always thought Wilson was Indian. Dude looks like a Baliwood star.

http://binaryapi.ap.org/62759e6a56f442068ef3846ceceac5f3/460x.jpg

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck you, man! Now I will have to talk to god in an Indian accent. This is going to be awkward since I work with a bunch of engineers.

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...

I also really like that would have ended this at “THAT’S MY FUCKIN’ BIRD, RUSSELL” and it would have still worked. Everything after is just icing on the delicious cake.

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...

So, is Sex Cannon ultimately an agent of good or evil?

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blaxabbath

Cannons don’t kill people, Cannons reproduce people.

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Don T

He’s lust incarnate, has no time for society’s categorizations or judgments.

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Beerguyrob

He is a harbinger, sent to inform people of the fate chosen for them.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Harbinger of Sperm. Your Time has Cum.

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