Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 22)

The scene: The In-N-Out convenience store near the DFO clubhouse. Horatio Cornblower is there, sitting on Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder as the ape stocks up on bananas.

Horatio Cornblower: Okay, you have all the bananas. Can we get the beer now?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook.

Horatio Cornblower: Right! Can’t forget the Doritos. Man, I hope those guys aren’t ticked off at us for being a few weeks late with our munchie run.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower: I know, right? I mean, we did get a bit sidetracked…

Flashback to: Horatio and Moosemas Gorilla leaving the clubhouse. A man approaches them out of the shadows.

Mikhail Bight: Horatio Cornblower? I’m Mikhail Bight, and I need your help.

Quick cut: Moosemas Gorilla holding onto a rope ladder hanging down from a helicopter. Inside the helicopter Horatio is using his whole body to control the stick as the pilot slumps dead in his seat, bullet holes littering the glass.

Horatio Cornblower: Hang on!

Moosemas Gorilla: Oooooooook!

Quick cut: Moosemas Gorilla steering a speeding Ferrari with one paw, and holding onto the beautiful damsel in distress who is swinging to and fro on the hood of the car with the other. A black BMW gives chase. Behind the wheel of the BMW a man in black leather and sunglasses pops open the glove compartment.

Leather Man: Now, you troublesome primate, it’s time to die!

Instead of a gun in the glove compartment, the man finds Horatio, leveraging up a can of pepper spray.

Horatio Cornblower (firing the pepper spray): Nice try, but you forgot…he has a partner!

Leather Man (getting sprayed): Aaaiiiiiieeee!!!

Quick cut: Moosemas Gorilla running across the top level of a parking garage, Horatio in his paw, avoiding the machinegun fire from a drone that’s giving chase. He leaps across a car and heads for the edge of the roof when a thunderous noise stops him in his tracks. As Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio watch in awe, a Harrier jet rises up. In the pilot’s seat is the former damsel in distress, who turns the jet towards them.

Damsel: I thought you boys might need a lift.

Moosemas Gorilla looks over his shoulder at the oncoming drone, then makes the slow-motion leap towards the jet.

Quick cut: Moosemas Gorilla hanging onto a Sherman tank as it veers wildly through downtown Los Angeles, crushing cars and scattering pedestrians. He reaches the turret hatch and tries to open it, but it’s locked. He bangs on the hatch in frustration.

Moosemas Gorilla: OOK!

Inside the tank the Leather Man is driving, while the Damsel is tied up and helpless.

Damsel: You’ll never get away with this!

Leather Man: Oh, won’t I? Who do you think is going to stop me?

Behind the tank but closing in quickly is Horatio Cornblower in a 1/12 scale Corvette, speeding around wreckage and between the feet of fleeing pedestrians. Beside him, in the passenger seat, is a one pound brick of C-4 plastic explosive.

Horatio Cornblower: Hold on, partner! That tank may be locked up tight, but I’ve got the key!

Quick cut: Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower sitting in the sun next to a large pool, the ape on a huge beach towel and Horatio in a scaled-down lounge chair. A waitress approaches.

Waitress: Can I get you gentlemen anything?

Horatio Cornblower: A pitcher of banana daiquiris, please…and heavy on the bananas.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Cut to: The In-N-Out, present day.

Horatio Cornblower: That reminds me…I need to renew my driver’s license this year.

Moosemas Gorilla grabs an armful of Doritos as they head to the beer cooler.

Moosemas Gorilla (pointing with a bag of Doritos): Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: We’d better stick to domestic. I’m a little short.

Moosemas Gorilla huffs out a laugh and points at another cooler.

Horatio Cornblower: Not a chance! I am definitely not #UpForWhatever. Look, just grab a half-rack of Cerveza Chango.

Moosemas Gorilla grabs the beer and the pair head to the cash register. An attractive blonde is there, arguing with the clerk.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (angrily waving a package of batteries): This is all you have? No fission cells?

Pimply Clerk (gulping): No, ma’am!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Isn’t this a convenience store? Does it seem convenient to you that you’re denying my demands?

Pimply Clerk (uncertain): No…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Where is your Overseer? I demand to see him, her or it at once!

As Future Clone Debbie Harry continues to berate the hapless clerk, Horatio’s tiny cell phone rings.

Horatio Cornblower (answering the phone): Hello? What? No, my daddy’s not here…who the hell is this?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower (into the phone): This is Horatio Cornblower. I just have a…condition. A temporary condition.

As Horatio talks, Moosemas Gorilla watches Future Clone Debbie Harry yell at the clerk.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (pulling a small futuristic gadget out of her pocket): Do you know what this is?

Pimply Clerk (gulping again): An iPod?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I have no idea what that is.

Pimply Clerk: It plays music?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Music? Like the Ramones, or Blondie?

Pimply Clerk: Um, sure? I don’t know who they are, but…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (glaring): I hate this century.

Future Clone Debbie Harry points the future gadget at the clerk and pushes a red button. The clerk instantly transforms into an iguana.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: This is a Totally Instant Transmogrifier. You’ve never seen one of these before, have you?

Iguana Clerk (sitting on the counter and flaring his dewlap): Thbpt.

Horatio Cornblower (on the phone and oblivious to the scene at the counter): Okay, got it. We’ll get there as soon as we can.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: That was the Las Vegas P.D. Some of our crew got themselves into a little bit of trouble, so they need a lawyer.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: They let me talk to Yeah Right for a minute. He’s there with Covalent Blonde and a few others. Sounds like they went to Vegas looking for Moose.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (turning around): Excuse me…did you say Moose?

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This will take a lot of work to get her unpissed this time…..

entropy

Is that piss-warm Chango? Because if not, someone will be disappointed:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_EABuPIKLAtM/TUXvaA4H5II/AAAAAAAADow/cgIdow_c8MI/s1600/Desperado%2B2.jpg

ThePirateSloth

But the bartender never gets killed!

entropy

As soon as I read it, I wondered why you didn’t make the full reference.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NEVER go full reference……

Enrico Pallazzo

Moosemas Gorilla needs to learn what Christmas Ape did…primates are never #UpForWhatever.

jjfozz

You don’t typically see Sherman tanks in urban settings any more. Thanks for the trip down memory lane.
http://www.imfdb.org/images/thumb/4/4c/1941_006.jpg/601px-1941_006.jpg

blaxabbath

Answer: “You don’t typically see Sherman tanks in urban settings.”

What is: Things people visiting Baltimore for the first time say?

jjfozz

Streets here are very narrow for a Sherman, usually they’re softened up with artillery barrages first.

laserguru

The Vegas PD?

Again?

ballsofsteelandfury

Very nice montage! Banana daiquiris for everybody!

Doktor Zymm

I bet that convenience store doesn’t have any plutonium either. And they probably only have 3 kinds of Shasta.
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/bttf/images/d/d7/Plutonium_Case.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120527075215

montythisseemsstrangetome

Cleanest restrooms in the tri-country area though.

entropy

They probably have over 100 types of jerky, too. Got to appreciate any convenience store with that much jerky on the premises.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Does that include Igauana jerkey? Well, it does now.

WCS