Day 2 of Free Agency. Let’s see what unfolded laundry highlights today:

• Doug Martin signed for 5 years to stay with Tampa.
• Well, the Eagles-Dolphins trade was off this morning, but is now apparently back on. The Eagles will move up to the 8 spot, and the Dolphins will go down to 13^th and keep Maxwell & Alonso.
• Antonio Gates won’t be moving to LA for at least one year, as he re-upped with the Chargers for 2 years.
• Bruce Irvin took the paycheque and went to the Raiders.
• Who will smoke under the stands with Jay Cutler now that Matt Forte has signed with the Jets?
• The Lions replaced Megatron with Shockwave, as Marvin Jones signs for 5 years.
• George Iloka resigned with the Bengals. No word on Pacman yet (*does “CHUH CHUH” to “Jaws” theme*)

For the LOLs:

• None of the Rams defense wants to move to LA. Janoris Jenkins went to the Giants, and Rodney McLeod signed with the Eagles.
• Olivier Vernon signed with the Giants for more money than JJ Watt makes. No wonder Tom Coughlin ‘chose’ to walk away from such a master plan.
• Brock Ostweiler signed with the…Texans? Is that a team? Well, we all know what this means:
  • Kaepernick goes to the Broncos
  • Manziel goes to the 49ers to be Chip’s Great White Hype
  • RGIII to the Argonauts
  • TEBOW TO THE BROWNS!

It’s almost too perfect.

Finally, Matt Hasslebeck retired…until the Texans call in Week 9.

Politics: Looks like Bernie’s got some life left in his campaign. He eked out a Michigan win on “Super Tuesday 2”, and now…ANOTHER FUCKING DEBATE?!?! Well, with Florida, Illinois & Ohio next week on “Super Tuesday 3: Back In Training”, I guess this makes some sense. Hopefully, it means someone’s campaign will be done soon so we can all focus on watching the upcoming Republican Civil War.

IMPORTANT DICKJOKETHREADJACK

FROM YOUR IMPERIAL OVERLORD

So #TakeBackTheDick folks. Make your dick jokes tonight like you’ve never made them before.

END DICKJOKE THREADJACK

I am thoroughly enjoying the madness that is the Hulk Hogan Terry Bollea – Gawker trial. He’s going by his legal name at the trial, to emphasize how wrestlers separate their “character”: from their real-life persona. Nonetheless, every sentence out of Hulk’s mouth makes him sound ridiculous, plus he’s said “penis” a bunch of times and talked about his “shortcomings”, which had to have made him uncomfortable, brother. His admissions, and burying of kayfabe, is costing him any further chances of returning to Vince’s grappling funhouse as long as they are sticking to the PG attitude.

You want games? I got games! WHATCHA GONNA WATCH, McMAHON?! (All times eastern)

NHL: (6 games total)

• Blackhawks @ Blues – 8:00
• Ducks @ Avalanche – 10:00
• Capitals @ Kings – 10:30

NBA: (9 games total)

• Grizzlies @ Celtics – 7:00
• Clippers @ Thunder – 9:00
• Jazz @ Warriors – 10:30

NCAA: major conference tournament games

• Oklahoma State vs Kansas State – 7:00
• Georgia Tech vs Clemson – 7:00
• TCU vs Texas Tech – 9:00
• St Johns vs Marquette – 9:30
• Florida State vs Virginia Tech – 9:30

Tim Hortons Brier: Draw 13 – 7:30

• Northern Ontario vs Northwest Territories – Sheet A
• Newfoundland vs Quebec – Sheet B

Hurry. HURRY HARD!