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Free Agency Hysteria!

laserguru

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Holy hell free agency has taken off like a rocket.

I’m fake Adam Schefter to bring you the latest on the NFL free agency front.

The deal sending Byron Maxwell and Kiko Alonso to the Dolphins for a swap of 1st round picks is back on now that Dolphins management has agreed to Maxwell’s condition that Gloria Estefan never sings in his presence.

It looks like Denver is going to be QB searching after Brock Osweiler signs an agreement with the Houston Oilers?

What’s that?

What the fuck is a Texan?

 

Get crazy in the comments folks. Shit is getting real!

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Sill Bimmons

I’ve been able to talk my dad out of a bunch of generational prejudices, but at heart he’s still an old white dude.

He is so set on Eric Weddle coming to the Steelers that I’m starting to want it to happen just so it doesn’t make him stroke out if he doesn’t.

Scrappy White Guy + Keisel Beard = Happy Old White Dude

He just can’t help himself.

I keep trying to tell him that signing a short, slow safety on the wrong side of 30 probably isn’t going to help the terrible secondary all that much, but he’s dead-set on finding out.

I hope Dan Rooney II is immune to this.

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packman_jon

Gotta love generational differences.
(talking about his PT session)
Packdad: “…and her husband likes country music. He must have been gay (in the past)”
Me: “Uh, well…that’s…”

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SonOfSpam

Eh, he’s not wrong.

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Wakezilla

Sounds like my dad. He was never like this until the past 5 or so years. I blame sports radio and sports media because he listens to that filth 24/7.

Papa Wakezilla: “Austin Collie is a good player and if he doesn’t go to the NFL, we should keep him!”

Me: “The NFL? He was the 4th or 5th best option on a team that finished 4 games below .500. Also, he was slow and couldn’t catch a cold. Lets see how the much younger and faster 6’4 wideout does instead, m’kay?”

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packman_jon

“What the fuck is a Texan?”
Does anyone care?

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Sill Bimmons

What?

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Doktor Zymm

I can’t wait to see where RG3 goes so I know which team I’m going to be supporting* next year out of self-fanbase loathing and general spite towards team management.

*Unless it’s the Cowboys, in which case I would still root for RG3 to do well while the team’s defense utterly crumbles leading to some exciting shootouts with other middling teams and a 3rd place finish in the NFC East

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King Hippo

It’s likely the horsey side, unless the J-E-T-S really do play hardball with HAHVAHD

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entropy

Jets play hardball…. oh, Hippo, you do make me laugh.

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...

Loathing your own team is the best loathing.

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King Hippo

According to what I just read, he was apparently a Donks fan growing up, which will be like an extra sugar cube AND an apple to Elway.

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Doktor Zymm

I would be okay with RG3 to the Horsies, though it’ll probably lead to the annoying habit of me constantly explaining that I’m not a bandwagon fan, I’m just spite-cheering their QB.

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entropy

I don’t think enough thought has been given to using spite as an alternative to fossil fuels. That shit could power a small city.

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Wakezilla

I have a feeling it’s going to be the LOLphins. Because who needs an O-line when you can start 2 Qbs?

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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Meanwhile… at the Vikings headquarters today.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcu4h9b4l01qhcrb0o1_500.gif

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entropy

You might want to get comfortable waiting, because that’s usually how they handle the draft, too.

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Bloody Lethal

Me as a Giants fan right now…

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scotchnaut

Speak to me-wadda ya think?

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Bloody Lethal

Hey, might as well spend it. JPP for all the shit that went down showed effort last year. He’s playing for incentives. Maybe with a revamped line, he will show up again. Hankins and Harrison in the middle is monstrous. Vernon can flat out get to the QB. Janoris Jenkins is a good player, I just hate spending that much on a corner, but that’s the league now. I still think we should and may cut DRC. He can make millions for taking plays off elsewhere. We need a WR and maybe now we get a freak in the draft?

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entropy

Harrison was a steal for the Giants, and helped them get a LOT better defensively. The offense still has issues, but all my Gints friends are excited about Harrison.

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scotchnaut

Given these signings I’m more optimistic than I thought I would be. Reese cleared room and grabbed some talent-that’s good. He’s been looking for a quick fix and he may have just pulled it off.

Between this and us “maybe” not being the most injured team in the league for the fourth year in a row next year (fucking unbelievable stat!) I think we’re okay.

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WCS

All Elisha is really concerned with is how much Yoohoo! the Giants’ front office is willing to acquire.

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litre_cola

Currently in the Cola house hold is a

Cunningham and Dawkins jersey plus,

Kevin Kolb white, Nnmadi Asomugha green, Mike Mamula (yes broseph), Jeremy Maclin white, Ricky Watters green, and now a Demarco Murray black jersey. SMGDH

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You’re not quite the Jersey Kiss of Death, but oooof.

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Sill Bimmons

You make bad decisions.

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scotchnaut

“Look at the shiny new Olivier Vernon I got for the team. Isn’t he great? [laughs nervously] And…and… I re-signed JPP! Hey, look over there! It’s Janoris Jenkins! I’m doing great, aren’t I?”
[fucks up the draft big-time, yet again]

-Giants GM Jerry Reese

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King Hippo

Hey buddy! Worried you didn’t survive Cuse running the last play for fucking Cooney.

/State’s last minute was a total clusterfuck too, not that it would have mattered

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scotchnaut

I don’t know where to start so I won’t. So glad to see Cooney gone. How are you guys looking for next year?

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King Hippo

can’t fall off the floor!

#1 rated HS PG coming in, plus the hurt transfer cousinfucker SG should be healthy, and the transfer combo guard (A-10 freshman of the year, which means fuckall, but supposedly is good) to replace Cat. Sorely need an impact lowpost recruit, though…and don;t look to be getting one. Youse guys?

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scotchnaut

We got a sg by the name of Battle and a big by the name of Moyer coming in. We’ll have some size next year which should fix our rebounding woes and add to our wing span on D. My glass is half full.

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King Hippo

I’m just hopeful that maybe both Duke and U*NC will be shit at the same time for once. I don’t think that it’s too much to ask that they play each other in a Tuesday fixture for once. Let us barbarians crash the gates.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2015 stats:
Osweiler: 8 games, 62% comp, 1967 yds, 10 TD, 6 INT, 86.4 rating, 61 rush yds, 1 rush TD

Gabbert: 8 games, 63% comp, 2031 yds, 10 TD, 7 INT, 86.2 rating, 185 rush yds, 1 TD

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WCS

comment image

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Don T

2016 stats:
Kirk Cousins – 20 million… Pesos?

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King Hippo

Heavy is the price for borderline competence

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Sill Bimmons

“Police suspect alcohol was involved.”

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/03/07/21/31F7D0F200000578-0-image-a-64_1457386640199.jpg

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WCS

Was Ryan Dunn behind the wheel?

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Unsurprised

It’s not on fire.

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WCS

I hope Hippo and the rest of you Donks ilk enjoyed your Super Bowl, ’cause… woof.

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King Hippo

Super Bowl makes everything ok. Plus I would rather be adrift at QB than cap-tied to a mediocrity (the Flacco/TannyFanny plan).

The defense can keep things respectable until the next QB is found. I’m ok with that. Intrigued by Cowbells’ Dak Prescott.

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Beerguyrob

This just means more grief for Chargers fans as the possibility seems real, but the reality does not.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Mike McCoy is just going to do what he does best, which is what is best.

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Sill Bimmons

Rifftrax on The Room:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fwdr1YG0q4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCO64CA2MkA

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Sill Bimmons

20 min. extended highlight reel:

https://youtu.be/8qXgXTtf8gg

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laserguru

Matt Cassel (Tenn) and Matt Schaub (ATL) signed. I think this is the rest of the league making sure that Denver doesn’t get any free agent QBs.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

–Broncos Front Office today

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litre_cola

<<>>Just visit http://www.whatthefuckisatexan.com

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litre_cola

well for some reason this comment didnt go through.

Hmmmm

I made 72 million dollars in 7 weekends and you can too!

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King Hippo

Godfuckingdamnit, how I hate Duke basketball.

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Unsurprised

— Everyone

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh look, the sky is blue.

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entropy

Only NFL.com would call getting Lamar Miller and Brock Osweiler “loading up on offense.”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

When does the free agency hysterectomy start?

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laserguru

For Denver it already has.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

—–According to NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport, the Broncos were “lurking” on Keenum after losing Brock Osweiler to the Texans. The first-round tender will pay Keenum $3.635 million. No team is giving a first-rounder for him.
The scent? DESPERATION, by Elway

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Honestly, they have already proven that they don’t need a quarterback to win the Superbowl, the strategy that they’re being forced into (throwing a #5 jersey on a tackling dummy and spending all their money keeping as much of their defense as they can) was probably their best possible option all along.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I heard that Mark Sanchez is available.

To bang kids.

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Beerguyrob

…and the wind whispered…”Tebow”.

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King Hippo

I wants NO PART of Osweiler above $12M per. Even that made my ass itch a little. 4/72? Good fucking luck, imaginary team.

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laserguru

Given that, how does the new QB wish list look?

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King Hippo

I’d go cheap veteran (Griffin) and draft Dak Prescott.

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laserguru

That’s a reasonable idea.

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King Hippo

Also, SPEND on the OL

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litre_cola

How many fucking talking heads does espn have on right now? I have counted 8 so far and that is just in the fucking studio.

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Unsurprised

Once it hires Peyton, ESPN can just throw them all onto his forehead.

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

They won’t need a whiteboard or anything anymore. Just have Peyton sit in the middle, give people some markers.

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laserguru

I would watch that.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pro tip: If you’re taking a bachelor to a strip club, bring along some Sharpies. The strippers will have fun drawing on his skin and their spelling mistakes add a considerable amount of hilarity.

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litre_cola

Watched 5 minutes of espn and already I want to punch Herm Edwards in the mouth.

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nomonkeyfun

You box to knock the other man out.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Keep working at it. You’ll get that time down soon.

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laserguru

We can build on this!

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Redshirt

I saw the Osweiler thing happening the second Manning started warming up on Week 17. The Broncos really mismanaged that. Being benched for one of the greatest QBs of all time is one thing, but you don’t bench a player when he’s doesn’t deserve it.

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Beerguyrob

TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW!

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blaxabbath

Ryan Lindley has playoff experience. Oh, you wanted someone who has won a playoff game?

TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW!

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Unsurprised

Brock Osweiler to the Texans; Denver Broncos to the basement.

Though with the Chase Daniels deal, I hear Mark Sanchez may soon become available.

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nomonkeyfun

This man is apparently no.1 on the Donks depth chart. Wilbon is going nuts.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Osweiler’s contract: 4 years, $72 million. Move over, Joe Flacco.

http://blog.beeminder.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/bankerr.jpg

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Monopoly is too rich for Joe Flacco’s tastes. He prefers playing Oligopoly.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d like to think that Joe prefers a game that focuses on important, practical skills like balancing your checkbook and answering your mail. I’m talking about Payday.

http://coolgiftsforkidsstore.com/img/payday-board-game-1975-edition_21689_500.jpg

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entropy

So, with Osweiler leaving, Denver is going to see if that whole “Defense wins championships, we can win with any old QB” adage holds true, while this imaginary Texan team will try the same thing, only with less defense.

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litre_cola

Well some would say it does work

Doug Williams
Trent DIlfer
Joe Flacco
Mark Rypien
Brad Johnson
Jeff Hostetler
Eli

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blaxabbath

T*m Brady

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litre_cola

TEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

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blaxabbath

“Why aren’t we kicking the tires on Ray Rice!?”

-Fan Bases

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Unsurprised

I’d be okay with him returning to the NFL.

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

Bill O’Brien: Brock, welcome to Houston! Let’s take a helicopter tour so you can get a sense of our great city!
Brock: No thanks, I can see it better from up here.

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entropy

If he wants him to enjoy Houston, he should provide noseplugs or a gas mask. That city fucking reeks.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You sure? These helicopter rides sure are fun!”

– Sage Rosenfels

http://cdn.niketalk.com/a/aa/aaa8166f_rosencopter-o.gif

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