Coming on the heels of SonOfSpam doing a great job filling in for our resident Cicerone, make it snow, you were probably all looking forward to getting back to your regularly scheduled programming. Unfortunately, make it snow is locked in the trunk of my car unavailable to share another review this week, so you’re stuck with back-to-back substitute Beer Barrel authors. And this week you get me.

As some of the night owl DFOers know, I’m abstaining from drinking for the month of March. No, it’s not for Lent.

I am not a “skinny man.” And I enjoy a good beer or whisky or twelve. These factors are mutually reinforcing. Between that and a quest to make sure I control my drinking and not the other way around, I typically choose one month a year to go dry to confirm the former is possible and reap the ensuing health benefits. I may not be drinking this month, but a) that doesn’t mean I can’t put my [limited] beer knowledge to use or b) that I had the foresight to finish/give away my remaining beer so I’m not forced to have delicious delicious beer tempting me every time I open the damn fridge this month.

So without further ado, here is a review of all the beer in my refrigerator that I can’t drink until April 1st (aka I’m so thirsty and really want a beer right meow):

The first beer I won’t be drinking today is 21st Amendment’s Fireside Chat Winter Spiced Ale. You may remember 21st Amendment Brewery from some discussion that I can’t find/link to on their excellent for summer without being overly fruity Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer, and I’m partial to their Brew Free or Die! IPA, which is pretty damn hoppy without completely overpowering the taste.

With regards to the beer in question staring at me from the inside of my refrigerator, calling out to me like a well-chilled siren removing her bikini top and offering to quench my thirst and more, Beer Advocate gives Fireside Chat a 78 and says it’s ok. 21st Amendment’s official description is as clever as I am parched: “Like FDR’s Depression-Era Radio Addresses, which were like a kick in the butt and a hug at the same time, our Fireside Chat is a subtle twist on the traditional seasonal brew. We begin with a rich, dark, English-style ale and then we improvise with spices until we know we have a beer worth sharing with the nation.” Rich, dark, and spicy is how I’ve never described my sex life, but a few more days without drinking and I’ll probably be willing to do disgusting things with this beer since I’m not letting myself drink it.

The next beer I wish I were drinking is Lagunitas Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale. I really thought I had finished the last of this sixer before my self-imposed dry spell, and I’m really wishing I had. This is an EXCELLENT beer. I don’t even need a beer review website since I drank a bunch of them during the ridiculous DC blizzard this winter. Just look at that beer:

It tastes better than it looks, and I don’t know about you, but I get a kick out of reading the tiny print framing the label on each Lagunitas I drink. make it snow has previously reviewed a similar beer during the seasonally appropriate time to drink a heavier (but not-too-syrupy, which is a complaint some people who are wrong have about Lagunitas) beer (or the first one, for that matter), and while Brown Shugga and its substitute, Lagunitas Sucks, are probably still my favorites, the Undercover Investigation Shut-Down is damn good as well. The fact that there is only one of these left in my fridge makes it that much more painful to have it glaring at me each time that light comes on when I go for eggs, milk, or godforbid root beer. I would drink this warm (though not hot, it’s not Dr. Pepper, sir), in a frosty glass, or mixed in with vanilla ice cream when I start undoing any alcohol abstinence-related weight loss come April 1.

Thirdly, there are five (5!) bottles of Stella Artois in my fridge. There’s a good reason for this number: someone brought a six pack over, drank one, and left the rest to sit with me. I haven’t touched them since I think Stella Artois tastes like carbonated rat piss.

If this was the only beer in my fridge, this would be a simple March (save the copious bottles of liquor in my cabinet). If anyone has tasting notes for Stella Artois that don’t include the phrase “only if there isn’t a better option,” then you should slap that person in the face and disregard any future opinions proffered from their mouthhole. Beer Advocate gives it a 71, and that’s too high. The first comment is about how it smells a little skunky, which is true every freaking time and therefore a major problem. Coincidentally, this is also why I loathe Heineken. But there are no more Heineken in my apartment since I used the last one to cook with and won’t allow another Heineken to enter my apartment.

Finally, a tried and true flavor, Sweetwater 420. I’m an unabashed huge fan of Sweetwater Brewing in Atlanta, born partially out of an attachment to it from touring the brewery and getting drunk on tour samples while I was in college and partially out of the fact it’s just really good beer.

The 420 is brewed in what Sweetwater calls their “Dank Tank” and that nose shines through from the brewery to the bottle all the way to the glass. While I haven’t tasted it since February, this is one beer that I recommend pouring into a glass to open it up and get that dank scent upfront to complement the hoppiness and crisp finish. I’m not an alot of beer, but I think the term “well-balanced” applies here, though not as much as the terms “tasty,” “makes me want to drink six in an hour,” and “someone put a lock on my fridge so that I don’t drink it before April.” The good news for all of you is that Sweetwater went from “we don’t distribute more than three hours away from Atlanta since we don’t pasteurize our beer” to “we distribute a lot further away now and BFC won’t bother to ask questions about safety as long as it still tastes good.” But I do recommend getting a fresh one and/or driving to Atlanta to take the tour and hoard drink tickets from designated drivers and lightweight drinkers that can’t handle tasting each tap. Please take me with you, but don’t go until March is over.

Lord willing, make it snow or someone else with a better sense of the appropriateness of temperance will resume control of the beer barrel next week. I hope this thirst-laden post was an acceptable substitute, or at least an acceptable substitute for the substitute. And lest you judge too harshly, ask yourself one question: next week, will it be YOUR turn in the barrel?