Become Better Acquainted With A Potential NFL Player*

*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Ezekiel Elliott!  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  6’0″ and 225 lbs. He also has 101/4″ hands.  He’s got bigger hands than Tunsil!  Elliott ran the 40 in 4.47 seconds.  We haven’t included the 40 before because there’s no goddamn reason anyone should care how fast a Qb or tackle can cover 40 yards.  If that matters to your team at those positions then you are doing it wrong.

College Experience:  Played three years at Ohio State but strangely doesn’t seem like a total asshole.  Didn’t get a lot of playing time his freshman year because he was stuck behind Carlos Hyde.  Took over as a starter in 2014 and was named Academic All-American, which is like finding a fucking unicorn in Columbus.  Ran for 230 yards against Alabama in the 2015 Sugar Bowl, beating Nick Saban in the semi-final game and making me like him just that much more.  Skipped his senior year to enter the draft, which for a RB probably makes sense.

Does He Tweet?: @EzekielElliott.  Like Tunsil Elliott’s timeline seems to consistent mostly of retweeting other things people tweet about Elliott.  He does throw in some of the usual platitudes about hard work, a good attitude, paying for your own tattoos, that kind of thing.  There’s also some apparent smack talk about never losing to Michigan, which is a breath of fresh air.

Strengths:  Takes tacklers for a ride and runs with, and I quote here, a “come at me bro” attitude.  Gets compliments for lead blocking skills, (because that’s a great way to use your 1st round RB!), and pass catching.

Weaknesses:  Is said to be too willing to put himself through the “meat grinder” and take big hits rather than avoiding contact.  Now read that sentence and then read the first sentence in the “strengths” category.  It’s the same damn thing!  However he does have 600 touches over the last two seasons, suggesting Urban Meyer is now trying to kill people himself rather than farming that task out to Aaron Hernandez.  The same site that raises (legitimate) concern about the 600 carries in two seasons goes on to say two sections later that he hasn’t had a heavy workload over the past two years, which is the kind of contradiction Peter King gets paid millions to write.

Got some criticism for calling out the playcalling in his last game.  Personally I like a guy that will call out coaches for their bullshit.

Nicest Comparison:  Edgerrin James.

Meanest Comparison: Edgerrin James.  Remember all those Super Bowls James won?  Me neither.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?:  Ooh, shit, kids, we got us some controversy here!  He is either dating or married to this nice woman, OR, he’s dating this nice woman, , or both.  Or neither.  Frankly both of these web-sites look less than reliable.  It does seem, however, that Ol’ Double E has the answers to some of Cleavon Little‘s most pressing questions.  (Dammit)

Where’s He Going?:  That’s actually a very good question.  No one seems to know where Elliott will wind up.  I’ve seen reports that he’ll go as high as the Cowboys at 4.  While I’d love to have a RB option besides Alfred Morris, (old), or Darren McFadden, (fragile; Italian), or Lance Dunbar, (who?), realistically the Cowboys need to much on defense to indulge here.  Both they and the Chargers might trade out of the 3 or 4 to a team that really needs an RB, which would be hilarious.  I’ve seen other reports where he drops to the Giants at 10, (which would make sense for the Giants so they’ll probably take another OL again), the Bears at 11, (my pick in Blax’s draft pick so let’s make that happen Bears!), and even some delusional guy in Detroit wondering if the Lions would take him if he fell to them at 16.  The answer is that yes, they would and no, he won’t.

Based on the research I put into this post, (we’re at about an hour right now)(minus time spent cheering for the Blues), I think the most likely outcome is that he goes to the Browns at 8, who then trade him to the Dolphins for the #13 pick, additional picks this year and next, and more sweet, sweet chaos on the Chicago draft floor.