Wait, you want me to do what? You bust up your leg and I get to cook you dinner and then write about it? Seems fair, I don’t mind dropping some mad love bombs for my brother and I am fairly certain he would do the same for me, fairly certain. So now I have 11 minutes to come up with a menu, well what do you do? From my life experience I know this dish that works every time, that’s right kiddies it’s TACO NIGHT, somebody give me a hell yeah!

When the wife used to leave me at home with the kids so she could go out and find some man’s penis to put in her mouth, I had to feed those little fuckers (well that didn’t last long before your first big swear) something and what each one of them loved was taco night. It’s fast, easy and very tasty. You want taco night at your house? You said yes. Well then kids you are in luck. It’s time to follow me down the tasty taco trail, I can smell those belches already. To start this gastric irritation you’ll need to know how many you are feeding, most people can crush 4 or 5 of these babies standing on their head and if you have a bunch of fat asses around you like I do these boys can rock 7 or 8, so plan accordingly. In fact that leads to a short jaunt down memory lane.

One birthday when the kid was (X-wives kids doesn’t matter for the story) 12 or 13, I asked what he would like for  (we had this tradition for their birthday or Christmas the kids get to have anything they want for dinner, anything) his meal and he replied with gusto “Dude it is so taco night and I’m going for the record.” I guessed he could probably do 10 but he said 12. Got my happy ass to work, fixed up a whole mess of tacos threw them on a plate and said go. He got to 8 and then the “Killjoy” walked into the room and said “What’s going on in here?” The boy says “I’m going for the taco world record”, she replied “No you’re not, how many have you had?” He says only 8 she says you’re done. I talked her into letting the boy tie his personal best of 9. He finished it, looked a bit green but asked for more, mom said no. I think he could have done at least one more if not all three.

Since you are reading this I am going to assume you know some cooking stuff. I am cooking for three so double this or triple it or hell make it for yourself. Get one damn onion, cut it in half and dice it up, put half away for later.

Two cloves of garlic mince them finely. Now get a big old frying pan and add one teaspoon of any oil you want to use. Heat the oil over medium heat and add 2/3 of the onion and put the other 1/3 of the onion away for garnish. Saute until almost opaque (see through, it that the right word?) about 7 minutes then throw in a pound of ground (you use chicken or turkey and I’ll call you a pussy, fish you ask? That’s for a different day) beef.

And brown for 8 to 10 minutes, don’t overcook and for the love of God drain off some damn fat. Then pop in the garlic and stir quickly.

Here is where the journey gets weird. When you were at the market getting the damn onion and beef you also grabbed an 18 pack of those crappy prepared taco shells, yes you heard me and also grab one packet for every one pound of meat of those weird little taco spice packs.

or

1-1/2 teaspoon Ground Cumin

1/2 teaspoon Paprika

1/2 teaspoon Crushed Red Pepper

1/2 teaspoon Salt

1/4 teaspoon (you can’t say teaspoon without the word poon) Garlic Powder

1/4 teaspoon Onion Powder

1/4 teaspoon Dried Oregano

1/4 teaspoon Black Pepper

The spice packets (usually around the the taco shells you already grabbed) I know you are going to have to trust me here (you see I’m drunk as I write this) you will also need “Hey dumb ass can you keep this in some kind of semblance of order?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCyAIDfGte4

Don’t know why just like the Puppets I guess, leave me alone.

One head iceberg lettuce, a nice fat tomato (helpful Taj hint number one: always buy your tomatoes three days before you serve them, leave them in a windowsill to ripen or they will suck, specially in the winter.)

Shred the lettuce.

Chop the tomato and do your best to remove the seeds.

When the meat is browned follow the spice package directions, stir in the water and cook down for 10 minutes. Here is a good time to preheat the oven. When the meat is cooked cover and turn off heat, let meat rest, pop your crappy store bought shells into the oven for 7 or 8 minutes you will hear them sizzle, remove the shells and prepare to eat immediately.

Pile anything you like on them. I did a little mild cheddar (your usual writer for this column says it needs to be sharp) cheese, tons of lettuce, tomatoes and no taco is complete until you throw on LOTS of the chopped raw onion you saved from (see main photo above) earlier.

Now wait just one damn minute, where is the taco or hot sauce? When you were at the store you also bought one bottle (must be from Louisiana) hot pepper sauce and I can’t stress this enough, do not, I repeat DO NOT BUY TABASCO EVER!!! Oh here we go again, time for another journey down memory lame, sorry meant lane.

You ever hear the story of the guy who invented TABASCO? He stole the idea from some man named White and used his exact recipe. Once the riches started to roll in he had the great idea to start raising Nutria for fur coats, I’m not kidding. Have you ever seen a Nutria?

They;re large angry beaver rats, a fur coat? I think my ass hair would make for a better coat. There was a get this a “hurricane” in Louisiana and it blew down part of the pen where he was raising the damn things. They escaped into the swamps and are now a terrible burden for the whole region. Try the “RED ROOSTER” hot sauce instead.

Now you consume mass quantities, beans if you want but no stupid sour cream or Christ even worse avocado (shuddered writing that foul word) and of course you will need a whole shit load of cold beer.

So there you have it a stumble through the dark passage ways I have to tread through everyday, I know what you are thinking “We need “yeah right” back” and I agree get well soon my brother. And now that you have achieved legendary culinary status my work here is done.

P.S some folks say these tacos make you squirt some lettuce, enjoy.

D.J. TAJ and I’m