NFL Notes:

• Vince Wilfork is talking about sticking around another couple of years. Good.
• John Fox violated the Ten Commandments & told a giant lie about Jay Cutler.

Today’s Acela Excreta was another guest column. God – I hope it’s better than last week:

School’s out for summer.

Ugh. We covered that. Excellent results here and here. I’d urge you people to read our site, but don’t want to have to chase down plagiaristic nugget farmers.

NFL players and coaches have dispersed for a six-week vacation before training camps open in late July.

Fine

Tom Brady is still suspended,

Excellent.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is still unsigned

Meh

and Von Miller is still in a contract stalemate with the Broncos (the linebacker provided updates this week via my three go-to sources for news: Sports Illustrated, Instagram, and Chelsea Handler’s variety show on Netflix.)

Here I though she could get out of the opener without some sort of PK bon mot. Well, nice to know the bar is staying low.

I think the Bears will be one of the more fascinating NFC teams to watch this season, and I’m not just saying that because I recently moved to Chicago.

Oh God, please tell me about your first pizza experience as a “townie”!

I think Jay Cutler can salvage his career, and I believe the Bears just might be your sleeper playoff team.

Because the Packers & Vikings are all dead?

Chicago’s success in 2016, however, hinges on Cutler. This is a referendum year for the QB, entering his 11th season.

Because NFL teams only start judging players after they’ve been around for a decade. Until then, it’s a free ride.

“It was critical to keep Jay comfortable,” Fox says. “Everything comes through the quarterback, so keeping Jay in the same system is best for us.”

“So, expect nothing to change, Bears fans. But Jay’s going to be happy with that, m’kay?”

Next week will mark six months since Al Jazeera aired its sports doping documentary that implicated Peyton Manning and five other NFL players to either human growth hormone (HGH) or performance-enhancing drugs, allegedly. […] Here’s what I know

Nice work sliding that caveat in there. #ProtectTheBrand

The NFL has indeed opened an investigation into allegations that HGH was shipped to Manning’s home, and that James Harrison, Clay Matthews, Mike Neal and Julius Peppers took performance-enhancing drugs.

Together?

After announcing his retirement, he is no longer covered by the CBA. This means that Manning 1) no longer has to participate in the investigation, or 2) can participate freely, without facilitation by the NFLPA. The incentive for Manning to talk? If he wants to stay involved in the league, perhaps in an executive role, it is important to stay in good graces.

You’re not suggesting Peyton Manning would sell someone out? Pey-Pey? For shame!

And, I’m done. There’s a giant section about father’s day, which sounds like PK wrote it before he left & demanded she insert. I can’t be bothered with the “Ms Starwood Travel Note” or the “Ten Things”. It’s time for the day drinking to commence. Richie?

We didn’t recognize it at the time, but the Gog/Magog War started on January 28, 2001, with the opening of the first seal, releasing the White Horse of the Apocalypse. After all, “the Lord said unto Satan, The Lord rebuke thee, O Satan; even the Lord that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?” _{(Zechariah 3:1-2)}

Any one random victory could be attributed to simple chance. But it takes cunning to implement a strategy and have no one recognize the pattern. After all, isn’t the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist?

We thought such things only existed in football. How else do you explain the Patriots three Super Bowls, and the subsequent discovery of their rampant cheating? FALSE GODS! But the Axis Mundi had been established, and from this firmament the demons descended to earth to begin the prophecy as foretold in The Book.

It all starts with Big Papi.

The 2004 Red Sox were never meant to be. The ALCS should have ended with Jeter and the boys once again laying waste to the Battered Bastards of Beantown and winning another championship for all their poseur homies. But that team was different; they were not yet inured to the stink that A-Rod gave off, and much like a skunk that gets hit by a car, once that bomb goes off you might as well throw away whatever you had on when that happened.

By the time the Sox finished off the Yankees, there was an air of destiny which belied the hints of brimstone. All that was left was to finish climbing the mountain and knock off the NL’s most glorified franchise and its even more vainglorious fanbase. #BFIB had a front-row seat not just to the ending of a curse, but also to the opening of the second of the Seven Seals. If you need more proof, allow me to remind you of this hagiographic bullshit:

“…the fatal wound had been healed. The whole world was filled with wonder and followed the beast. People worshiped the dragon because he had given authority to the beast, and they also worshiped the beast and asked, ‘Who is like the beast? Who can wage war against it?'” _{(Revelations 13:3-4)} Is it not a surprise you’ve noticed more Red Sox fans since the turn of the century, while the number of Yankees fans has not declined in kind?

The Red Sox victory & opening of the second seal quickly led to the third seal being opened – the White Sox victory in 2005. No one recognized it for the horror it was at the time; after all, the second seal had opened the year prior, ending a supposed “longest curse”, when in reality the White Sox had in fact suffered a longer, blacker drought.

The ignorance belied non-recognition of the darkest of days approaching. People neglected to remember the legend, even in their hometown. The White Sox victory was quickly forgotten by all but the darkest forces, and the mists of time obscured the evil dwelling within.

However, on the evening of Sunday, June 19, 2016, the 4th seal was opened with Cleveland’s NBA Finals victory, and the pale horse was revealed.

And, once again, as foretold in Revelations, the fatal wound has again been healed, and the people seduced into false worship:

https://youtu.be/ZyGL6B7OH5A

“In their greed, these false teachers will exploit you with tales they have concocted.” _{(2 Peter 2:3)} In their joy, the worship of the Goddess of Victory shall damn the people to be “thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.” _{(Revelations 20:10)}

The ending of the Curse of North East Ohio now brings forth the time of The Persecution, the opening of the fifth seal – also known as the Republican & Democratic conventions this summer. Coincidental musical interlude!

Prepare yourselves for the sight of the Antichrist (Hillary) and the False Prophet (Trump) assuming their mantles in preparation for the Final Battle. Are you not surprised that a political convention is being held in Cleveland? Party affiliation matters not, but you shall know it is upon us when the first Republican official adorns themselves with Cavs gear and proclaims themselves one with The King. Hillary will tell her supporters in Philadelphia that “I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.” _{(Revelations 3:8)}

The battle shall only be interrupted by the opening of the sixth seal – a Cub World Series win. That will prove Satan has been cast down to earth from Heaven.

All that will be left is the parade, marking the opening of the seventh seal. And who shall be leading that parade – Theo Epstein, the architect of the opening of the second seal. He will be worshipped at his ability to deliver upon his promises, a false prophet [who] appears and perform great signs and wonders that would deceive even the elect.” _{(Matthew 24:24)} Does not Hillary claim some Illinois background as well, and would she not ‘use her mouth to utter haughty and blasphemous words, [prior] to exercising authority for forty-two months?’ _{(Revelations 13:5)}

Can’t you see it?

Share your Apocalyptic Apocrypha below.

Tonight’s sports: Just baseball. Nationals @ Dodgers (10:00) is the ESPN game.

Tonight’s Primetime TV:

• NBC: American Ninja Warrior – 8:00
• FXX: The Simpsons
  • “Homer’s Phobia” – 9:30 (“I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.”)
  • “The Joy Of Sect” – 10:00 (“NANA NANA NANA NANA, LEADER!”)
• Smithsonian: Apocalypse: The Second World War – 8:00-11:00
• USA: Monday Night Raw – 8:00

Tomorrow night brings us the US in the Copa semi finals versus Argentina. OH GOD – MESSI VERSUS DONOVAN!