It’s 4 pm on an offseason Tuesday. Do you know where your tangentially-NFL-related crime stories are?

THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE! LET YOUR CELEBRATIONS AND MERRY-MAKING COMMENCE!

Once again, I find myself compelled to apologize to you, gentle reader, because you come to this site for The Funny, or at least the Bumbling Awkward Attempt at Funny Which Is So Unfunny as to be Funny Unto Itself, a la Andy Kaufman’s Foreign Man.

But I’m going to Get Real with you again. I’m sitting here typing this in a hospital room, watching my grandmother slip away a little more with each wheeze. She’s not even ‘really’ my grandmother- she’s just the person who has fulfilled that role for all intents and purposes for the last 25 years. They say you can’t choose your family, and to the extent that’s true even of “pseudofamily”- I never figured that this 4’10”, 90 lbs-on-a-good-day, somewhat-annoying old woman would become a fixture in my life. But here I am, and here she is. Hug your people tonight, and remember to appreciate the people who have become your family.

NOW: BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

DAVONE BESS

CHARGE: Endangerment, Felony Flight and Failure to Stop for a Police Officer.

Ok, so he’s not on an NFL roster. But as a 30 year-old occasional-flash-of-talent receiver and potential Browns camp invitee, I’m calling his number.

Allegedly  the former Dolphin and Brown was stopped in Phoenix for driving with his headlights off. Apparently realizing that Tre Mason’s Aggressive Passive Resistance will just get you tazed in the dick, Bess instead “pointed his finger like a gun at officers and moved it up and down, mimicking firing a gun.” Although the police report does not indicate specifically that he was making “PEW! PEWPEW!” noises, but I think it’s safe to assume. He then sped off for his home, barricaded himself in his car (possibly waving a knife) for a while, then ran into his home and barricaded himself in there “until a warrant was granted for entry” by the SWAT Team.

A couple of interesting notes:

1. Bond was set at $2500. In Maricopa County. Jeez, I would have thought committing a crime while in possession of melanin would be a minimum $10k bond in Sheriff Joe’s Fascist Wonderland. Who knew?

2. Unless you are driving the A-Team’s bitchin’ van, how do you “barricade” yourself inside a non-armored-car car?

3. I’m not going to second guess the po-po’s action when dealing with Obvious Batshit Suspect in most cases. However- how does he elude you going from the car to the house? Did you forget he was in there? Shit, he ran a 4.60 40 as an undersized receiver, which is definitively not Cop Speed.

If you remember Devone Bess, it is likely for one of two reasons. The first is that the office Dolphins fan was telling you about how Chad Henne couldn’t possibly fail with weapons like Bess, Greg Camarillo and Ted Ginn surrounding him. More likely, it was his last series of bizarre behaviors which got him booted from the Cleveland Browns. First, he tweeted a picture of his furniture:

Then he got arrested at Miami airport for singing and dancing while his pants kept falling down. Then it came out that he had been involuntarily committed ten months earlier, when it took six deputies to take him in while he shouted “Hide the guns!” and inquired after his weed.

So yeah. On the one hand it’s funny. On the other hand, I feel like ass for getting cheap laughs at the expense of a man who is obviously severely mentally ill. Comedy be not proud.

DRAYMOND GREEN

CHARGE: Unsanctioned boxing against the one-eyed champ (recidivist)

I hate it when I have to pay attention to Lesser Sports not involving my teams. I can barely keep from stabbing real-life people for filling the air with pointless mind-mush. But now I have to hear every goddamned pundit and wannabe sports-talk host opine on Is LeBron Better Than Michael Jordan and Does The Season-Win Record Mean Anything Without A Championship. This sort of puerile inanity is hard enough to take with the NFL, where we wade through it like the foul-smelling surf holding us back from the promised island of Football. But Jesus on toast, this is like Is Joe Flacco Elite but somehow (against all laws of God and Nature) more boring. And now, Buffalo moves one step closer to the Total Seasons of Futility crown (thank god for San Diego). I refuse to accept that Cleveland has anything over Buffalo other than that neat party trick they do with the river.

And who do I blame? Steve Kerr, for not resting his people during the regular season? Steve Kerr, for losing a handle on his players when they ran into the one-toothed buzzsaw that is the Cleveland Fucking Cavaliers? Steve Kerr, for not taking the Bulls job after last season? Steph Curry, for making preternaturally beautiful and fun basketball look sloppy and ineffective?

No. I blame Draymond Green. Not because he missed the turning-point Game 5 for a suspension. No. Because the Warriors lost focus. And what caused them to lose focus? Not the record. Not the “can they follow through?” pressure. No. It’s the animalistic fear, rooted deep in the primitive lizard part of our brains, of being kicked, punched or otherwise assaulted in the dick. And it doesn’t matter that he was doing it to players on the opposing team. If you’re around a man you know will pull some sort of bullshit “cup check” nonsense, it doesn’t matter if he’s done it to you- you instinctively cannot trust that man. That breeds dissent, and interferes with team flow. He is a locker room testicular cancer.