Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 40)

The scene: Space! The final frontier! This is the voyage of the unnamed rocket that is currently propelling Professor Po past the stratosphere. But what of our intrepid DFOers, last seen valiantly clinging to the rocket as it sped towards space? Welp, they fell off. Yup! Sorry about that. Burned up on reentry, plummeted hundreds of miles to their deaths. Pity. Still, not having to format Horatio’s teeny-tiny dialogue every week is kind of a relief. And Moosemas Gorilla! Each and every “Ook” is a sentence in itself, carefully selected and phrased so that…

What? You’re glaring at me. Look, I didn’t tell them to jump onto a rocket! I’m just chronicling their (mis)adventures. Don’t blame me!

OK, maybe they found a cargo hatch. Maybe. And then maybe, just maybe, Moosemas Gorilla forced it open and they crawled inside. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Evidently it is. You’re jumping up & down in your chair, clapping your hands. Stop that. You’re at work. Everyone’s going to think you’re looking at cat videos.

Sigh.

OK, let’s try this again.

The scene: Professor Po’s rocket, speeding into space. Huddled inside a small cargo space are Moosemas Gorilla, Covalent Blonde and Horatio Cornblower.

Horatio Cornblower: Boy, that was a lucky break!

Covalent Blonde: I’ll say! I can’t believe there was a cargo hatch right there! Good thing it wasn’t locked, or secured or anything!

Moosemas Gorilla (looking right at the camera with a wink and a thumbs-up): Ook!

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s RV, which is following the rocket into space. Otto’s Brain and Pirate Sloth are currently panicking, which involves a lot of drinking. Well, drinking on Pirate Sloth’s part, and rolling throughout the RV and screaming “We’re gonna die!” on Otto’s.

Otto’s Brain (rolling down the hall): We’re gonna die!

Pirate Sloth (finishing off a bottle of Captain Morgan Cannon Blast rum): Aye! That we are. Arr. Heh!

Otto’s Brain (rolling into the cockpit): We’re gonna die!

Pirate Sloth (burping): Aye! Well…

Otto’s Brain: We’re gonna…what? You don’t sound so sure.

Pirate Sloth (opening another bottle): Well, we’re in space, aye?

Otto’s Brain: Aye! Yes!

Pirate Sloth: An’ we’re not dead, are we?

Otto’s Brain: Nay…?

Pirate Sloth: So it seems to me that this here beastie be outfitted fer all manner o’ environs.

Otto’s Brain: Then we’re…not gonna die?

Pirate Sloth: I’m thinkin’ not.

Otto’s Brain: Then how come you’re drinking all the rum?

Pirate Sloth (taking a yuuuge swig): Well, thar still be a wee chance I’m wrong.

Otto’s Brain (rolling down the hall): We’re gonna die!

Cut to: Professor Po’s island base. Doktor Zymm and Yeah Right are in the mission control room. The technicians, being part of the Brotherhood of United Trade Technicians, are on their mandated 45-minute dinner break, leaving the two DFOers alone in the room.

Yeah Right: So…this kinda sucks.

Doktor Zymm: Ja. But ve must not dwell on our zetbacks. For all ve know, Horatio und ze others are fine.

Yeah Right: Hey, I would love to be optimistic, but they were hanging on to a rocket, Zymm.

Doktor Zymm: True zat. But it vas a small rocket. Besides, zey do have a knack for surviving zticky zituations.

Yeah Right: I hope you’re right…

King Hippo enters, holding a package of Diggler’s Mini-Donuts in one hand and carrying Steve the Ninja by the scruff of his neck in the other.

King Hippo: Hey, look who I found hidin’ behind the vending machines!

Steve the Ninja: I wasn’t hiding! I dropped my quarter.

Doktor Zymm (approaching): Zo, perhaps you can be of use to us.

Steve the Ninja (trying to look innocent, which isn’t easy to do behind a black mask): Me? What can I do?

Yeah Right: You can tell us where your boss is going, pal!

Steve the Ninja: How would I know? I just work here.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, if you know nothing, zen I zuppose ve do not need to keep you detained.

Steve the Ninja: Great! I know the way out…

Doktor Zymm: Hippo, throw him into ze volcano.

Steve the Ninja (undestandably startled): What? But…you’re joking, right?

Doktor Zymm: You may ask ze others…I am nicht so gut mit ze funnies.

Yeah Right: It’s true. She told me a joke one time and I needed a calculator, a copy of Physics for Dummies, and two encyclopedias to figure it out. And it still wasn’t funny.

Doktor Zymm (haughtily): It makes more zense in ze original German.

King Hippo (opening the donut package with his teeth): I don’t really know her, but I’m good with tossin’ ya into a volcano.

Steve the Ninja: Okay, okay! He’s got a base on the moon!

Yeah Right: Yeah, right! Hippo, make like Rex Grossman and throw him deep.

Steve the Ninja: No, really! He bought it a few years ago from some would-be mastermind! He’s kind of an impulse buyer.

Doktor Zymm: Zis ist true. In college Perzy vonce bought a man-eating tiger even though ze dorm had a no-pets policy.

King Hippo (chewing a mini-donut): Did he get into trouble?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. No one complained after ze tiger ate his roommate.

Yeah Right (trying to snag a mini-donut): So he’s got a moon base. That still doesn’t help us…or CB and Horatio.

King Hippo (holding the donut package up out of Yeah Right’s reach): Or Moosemas Gorilla!

Doktor Zymm: Nein…not without eine rakete of our own.

Yeah Right (jumping up to try and grab a mini-donut): And Po’s was probably the only one within a thousand miles of here.

Steve the Ninja (catching a mini-donut as it falls out of the pack): Well…

Doktor Zymm (raising an eyebrow): Vell? Vell vas?

Steve the Ninja (cramming the donut under his mask as Yeah Right tries to grab it): Well, I mean…

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Gott in Himmel. Chew first, then talk.

All eyes on him, Steve the Ninja chews the donut. There are now powdered sugar flakes all over his mask.

Steve the Ninja (gulping the last of the mini-donut down): Sorry about that. Someone ate my lunch earlier today.

Yeah Right (looking totally unrepentant): Hey, clubhouse rules. If you leave it out, it’s up for grabs.

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Gentlemen…

Steve the Ninja: Oh! Sorry. Low blood sugar makes me all loopy. No, I was going to say, we do have another rocket.

Doktor Zymm (interested): Ja?

Steve the Ninja: Professor Po picked it up as part of an estate sale. He said it had some problems, though. Something about a malfunctioning lateral stabilizer…

Doktor Zymm: I can fix zat.

Steve the Ninja: And faulty seals…

Doktor Zymm: Ve vill pack ze duct tape.

Steve the Ninja: And the secondary propulsion system could explode.

Yeah Right: Excuse me?

Steve the Ninja (shrugging): Hey, I’m just telling you what he told me.

Yeah Right: Well, that sounds like a piece of crap.

Doktor Zymm: Ja.

Yeah Right: There’s just no way that could be safe, right?

Doktor Zymm: Nein.

Yeah Right and Doktor Zymm look at each other, then at King Hippo, who gives a solemn nod. Steve the Ninja misses the silent interaction, as he is trying to stick his tongue through his ninja mask to get at the powdered sugar.

Yeah Right: So, we’re doing this then?

Doktor Zymm: Ja.

King Hippo: Wahoo! We’re goin’ on a rocket ride!

Steve the Ninja: I’ll be happy to show you guys where it is. Then I’ve really got to punch out for the day…

Doktor Zymm: Nein. You are going mit us.

Steve the Ninja (nervously): Me? Why me?

Doktor Zymm: Because you have seen the moon baze.

Steve the Ninja: Only the floor plan! I’ve never actually been there!

Doktor Zymm: Close enough. You might come in handy.

Steve the Ninja: I won’t! Really! I’m pretty useless…ask anyone!

Doktor Zymm: Vell, in zat case…zere ist always ze volcano…

King Hippo lifts up Steve the Ninja with one hand and gives him an evil grin.

Steve the Ninja (defeated): I guess I’m going with you guys…

King Hippo: Wahoo! We’re goin’ on a rocket ride!

To be continued…

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