Your “The RNC Convention Hits Full-On Drinking Game” Thirsty Thursday Open Thread

NFL News:

• Ray Rice has gone to Plan Omega – if he’s allowed to play, he’ll donate his paycheque in support of ending domestic violence. A key part of that plan: getting a team to take a chance on him.
• Josh Gordon met Roger Goodell Wednesday, in hopes of figuring out if and when he’ll be able to return. He’d best get comfortable – Rog just took down Brady, so he’s got no reason to help Josh Gordon.
• the Packers have applied to host the Draft in 2019, 2020 or 2021. Since the League terroristic demand of sacrificing a home date for an international game in exchange for potentially hosting a Super Bowl doesn’t work in Packerland, this might be the one way Goodell gets the Packers over to London or Paris.

Finally, Eugene Monroe has chosen retirement over another team in light of his release by the Ravens. He cites concussions & long-term health as the primary reasons for walking away after 7 seasons and 93 games.

In case you missed it, they found someone to take the blame for Melania Trump’s plagiarism. Her name is Meredith McIver, and we’ll never hear about her again. Buzzfeed – which makes Uproxx look like The Economist – did the research to prove she actually exists. Judge for yourself here.

The best analysis of the Convention so far (outside the Open Threads) came from Lewis Black on Colbert last night.

That’s some solid, pro-level ranting. It’s what I’ve been waiting to see all week.

The final night of the Convention should bring the best of the worst. Here’s the agenda; the speakers list is an “OH GOD; NO!!!” collection of people we’ll never meet:

• Reince Priebus, RNC Chairman
• Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University and evangelical leader
• Peter Thiel, Venture Capitalist (and guy who broke Gawker)
• Tom Barrack, CEO of Colony Capital
• Ivanka Trump

And then comes the man himself, probably  about 10:00 EDT. If you thought the previous nights were bad, this promises to teach you new ways to euphemize the word “bitch”. Only half of those will be about Ted Cruz – say what you will about the Zodiac Killer, but it took some amount of guts to stand up and give his speech rather than the one they wanted him to give.

Food & Wine has the best, simplest drinking game for tonight’s speeches:

Rules: If Trump…

• Is wearing a red tie: Everyone must go around in a circle and name something that is red in the room. The person who either repeats an answer or stalls must take a shot to kick off the night.
• Says the word “huge”: Chug your beer for the length of the applause that follows. You must do this every time.
• Says the word “ISIS”: Take two sips of beer.
• Uses the adjective “beautiful“ to describe anyone in his family: Hold a modeling pose like Melania. The first person to laugh must sip his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
• Calls Hillary a criminal: Put your hands behind your back as if they are cuffed. Then take a shot by only using your mouth. The last person to finish his or her shot must also chug their beer for five seconds.
• Discusses Mexico, China or Russia: Take a sip of your mixed drink.
• Mentions Ted Cruz: Everyone has to shout “lyin’ Ted.” The last person to do so must chug his or her mixed drink for five seconds.
• Brings up guns for the first time: Everyone must immediately place a finger on their nose. The last one to do so has to shotgun a beer.
• Ends his speech with a signature thumbs up: Initiate thumb war with the person sitting next to you. Losers must chug their mixed drink for ten seconds.
• Already declares himself as November’s winner: Shake your head in bewilderment and cry because this is our new normal.

Tonight’s Alternative Programming:

• Battlebots – 8:00 (ABC)
• Premier Boxing Champions: Derevyanchenko-Soliman – 8:00 (ESPN)
• CFL – Calgary @ Winnipeg – 8:30 (TSN; Canada only)
• FXX – “Treehouse of Horror” marathon – 8:00
  • In order, Episodes 3, 5, 6, 13, 15, 16, 19, 20

Get ready to do all this again next week, LIVE! from Philly. PICTURE THE CHEESESTEAKS!