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Car Shopping With Rosie O’Donnell

jjfozz

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The only car salesman I have ever liked was the one portrayed by Kurt Russell in the 80’s classic “Used Cars.” If you haven’t seen it, go watch it and then come back here. Until you do, consider yourself dead to me.

Seriously, how in fuck have you not watched this masterpiece? It has explosions, boobs, and the two guys who played Lenny and Squiggy in “Laverne and Shirley.” Yes, I know Michael McKean went on to greatness, but IT’S FUCKING THE GUY WHO PLAYED SQUIGGY! So get a move on, you pansy.

I need a new-used car. I will never buy a new car because I have children who can fuck up a car quicker than Rosie O’Donnell can obliterate a Chinese buffet. Yes, I made a Rosie joke because she is more repulsive than a garbage truck filled with rotting meat and medical wasted parked at a sewage plant on a sweltering August day.

Ever seen her movie where she plays a person who is mentally retarded? Good Christ, that’s an affront on humanity. It’s an affront on the entire goddamn universe. If I could, I’d melt her down with sulfuric acid, harvest the tallow, make the world’s shittiest candle, and burn it in a volcano.

Wait, where in fuck was I? Oh, buying a car. I always thought that sales worked like this: I need something, you have something. I buy it. You make money. I have received what I want. Endorphins flood my brain, I scurry home, take off the shrink wrap and enjoy a well crafted epic about transsexuals who want to help a wayword girl dressed as Princess Leia find her way home, while discovering her love of water sports.

So I’m buying this car. Actually it’s a really big SUV because I have kids and all that shit and I love buying gas and killing our environment. I have contacted a car guy who has talked to me once, promised to get back to me, and prompted me to call his shit ass back at least three times. He called back and spun a fairy tale that was so full of bullshit that I was impressed.

Then I get on the interwebs, good golly Miss Molly. What a crapfest. What a mountain of shit to dig through. What a set of tits on that girl. Yeah, it devolved into that as quickly as Rosie O’Donnell jumping on a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Or I bet it’s called “Cunty Munky”. Get it?

I have created at least 5 different accounts that are emailing me car selections that HAVE NO GODDAMN FUCKING RELATION TO WHAT I WANT. Hey, Cars.com, do you think I’d be interested in a Prius? Who do you think I am? Andy Benard? I own a pair of testicles. I want a big, stupid SUV. And oh by the way, CarMax, I live in Maryland and I’m not paying to have a car shipped from Guatemala, or was it Peru? If we ever meet, I will bury a vintage Bowie knife deep into your skull.

Even tried Craigslist, and yeah, most of those listings were totally believable: “Jump on this quick! 2015 Suburban with 10,000 miles for $30K.” Funny, the meeting place is a block from one of Baltimore’s hottest drug corners. I’ll be down in an hour, I have brought cash. You will know me by the fact that I am white and don’t look like a habitual drug user. Also, my mom will be with me.

I’m old school, which means I’ll keep dealing with that gecko of a salesman. I’m sure he’ll fuck me over and dangle awesome deals in front of me. I’ll go after them like – no, I’m tired of Rosie jokes. How about, “I’ll go after them like Donald Trump going after the presidency of the United States?” That image is more appalling than any Rosie related joke. It chills me to my marrow.

Adios, you magnificent motherfuckers.

Something that made me laugh:

There is a remote possibility that the Kardashians, Trumps entourage, and P Diddy or whatever his fucking name is, could be kidnapped by cannibals and eaten alive. You never know.

 

 

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Doktor Zymm

Most third-party automotive sites don’t really have recommenders in place, usually the suggested vehicles are part of an ad product sold to dealers.

CarMax will pay to ship their cars around, even just for a test drive. However, they also have the highest margins of any used car dealership group, so you probably won’t get the best price with them.

Unfortunately, used car prices have been high and are staying high, especially in the segment you’re looking at. Everyone wants bigger cars now, but the stuff coming onto the used market is from a few years ago when gas prices were high and auto sales were still recovering.

Have you considered buying a rental car? You don’t have to deal with traditional salespeople, and they’re usually current model year or only one back. Yes, they’ve had multiple drivers who treat em like shit, but they’ve also been really well maintained and you get a better price point. Rental companies are increasingly selling them themselves due to changes in the way fleet sales have been handled in recent years, so it’s not a bad option.

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jjfozz

Thanks, Herr Doktor. I’ll check out the rental angle.

I stopped by the salesman’s dealership last night, talked to another salesman, and dropped my business card on his desk.

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King Hippo

If’n one DID roast them proper over an open spit…by God, I would drink a toast in your honor and take a bite from each. HUZZAH for the happiest thought to enter my brain cavity all day.

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Sill Bimmons

Why aren’t there bank branches in airports?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or post offices after security

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Unsurprised

My last car was a CL deal. It went pretty well. The one before that … Not so much. But I am a simp.

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Sill Bimmons

At least you’re not this poor bastard:

“Here’s a list of Cleveland Browns jerseys I have acquired since I became a fan in 2002 (jumped around as a kid between teams before settling on the Browns because my dad has been a lifelong fan):

– Courtney Brown (two, one being a knockoff one I bought at Modells that was brown on one side and orange on the other)
– Brady Quinn
– Braylon Edwards
– Tim Couch (I also had two of those jerseys — one brown and one white)
– Josh Cribbs
– Colt McCoy
– Reuben Droughns
– Lee Suggs
– Trent Richardson
– Terrance West
– Jeff Garcia”

I’d say that once you’re into Reuben Droughns Jersey Territory the problem lies with you and not the team, but holy FUCKBALLS that list.

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blaxabbath

Oh yeah, I forgot about Colt McCoy.

Just being forgotten actually makes McCoy like the most successful of recent Browns QBs.

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...

I knew a fellow Bears fan who had a similarly sad list of Bears jerseys most of which were failed running backs. He did at least appreciate the humor in owning both an Enis and Cox jersey, though.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, that Bernard Berrian jersey I bought my ex-girlfriend was clearly a good investment

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Cuntler

I wish I still had my Erik Kramer jersey. It would be a great way to express how I feel about the last 5 years of Bears football.

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blaxabbath

So I got our kitchen through Ikea and included in the purchase I set up the countertop purchase (it goes through their ‘partner’ – Northman Marble & Granite). The scheduler from Northman calls me like 3 days after I get my Ikea parts delivered and asks if I want to schedule. I say no and ask what kind of lead time she needs to schedule the template. 1 or 2 days she tells me.

We get the cabinets in and last Tuesday I schedule their template guy to come out on Thursday. He comes out, plays primadonna (I should have been there to deal with him but foolishly expected he could just take some measurements without being a dick), and says he needs adjustments before he’ll template it. I pass his cell number to my contractor, the contractor comes by and makes whatever minute change, and I call to reschedule for template. I get the scheduler’s voicemail.

I call again on Friday. Again, getting her voicemail.

I call again yesterday. Again, getting her voicemail. So I call their main office number. The receptionist tells me the scheduler has been out since Thursday but will be back tomorrow (Tuesday, today). She tells me no one else can schedule anything but her and that, since I left a voicemail, she’ll probably call me by the end of the week.

Now, for those of you who haven’t done a kitchen remodel before, the countertop fabrication can’t start until the cabinets are in (when they can measure the template) and then you need to wait 10-14 days for fabrication and installation. Those two weeks are about dead time because most everything else is done and you can’t install the sink, hook up the plumbing, or start the backsplash tile until the counters are in. So, burning a week because some chick is out of the office is pretty fucked (especially on the tail end of a project that I just want done already).

So I call Ikea and get their liason with Northman. She tells me that, yep, she’s been getting calls all day about it. Okay fine, so she’s back in tomorrow and there is nothing anyone can do. I tell her I need to schedule with her tomorrow then, not wait until the end of the week (or whenever is convenient for her) to schedule me. Ikea liason is very reasonable, agrees, tells me that if I haven’t heard from the scheduler by noon on Tuesday (today) to call Ikea. Also that she is sending the scheduler a list with priority customers to get scheduled and that I’m on it. Fine. Whatever. Lost time is lost but we’ll get back on it Tuesday.

I call the scheduler this morning about 10:30a. She tells me that she’s been out of the office so she wasn’t ignoring me (effectively the same thing but whatever) but that Northman isn’t doing the Ikea countertops anymore. She doesn’t know who is doing them and directs me to the Ikea liason about where to go from here.

So now I have a voicemail in with the Ikea liason who, I’m sure, is just fucking slammed today so who knows what’s going to happen. In the mean time, I’m taking my estimate and drawings to another shop here in town who deals the same countertop product to see what they say. I’m seriously just shaking my head about this whole fucking thing — all because some two bit outfit doesn’t have a second person in their office who can schedule a fucking 20 minutes template visit.

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Unsurprised

“So I got our kitchen through Ikea”

I’m sitting here about to start the 2nd part of the first of two days of the bar exam for the second goddamn motherfucking time and I still said out loud, “Oh, you poor bastard.”

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blaxabbath

The price can’t be beat and they really weren’t that much of a pain to deal with. I mean, yeah, it was definitely not as easy as custom cabinets but, again, price. And their service (this countertop thing excluded) has been great.

If you have their designer come out and do the layout/design/parts list its only like $200 and they rebate it back when you buy the kitchen. Now, if I hadn’t used them I definitely would have been totally fucked.

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jjfozz

As a homeowner, I am continually amazed at how fucked up the entire contractor/home improvement business can be. I’m not sure how they make money because if I ran my business like them, I’d be spending a lot of time on stupid ass websites talking about football, boobs, and . . .shit.

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blaxabbath

It’s all about gouging suckers. Unfortunately, we do majority of our work on new developments so I don’t get that sweet sweet chump money.

Our house came with a 1-year warranty and the bathroom fan went out. The warranty outfit, it seems, will pay for the new fan but not the labor. The guy they sent out provides me an estimate of $400 to replace the unit (remember, he’s not buying the new fan). Literally popping out the old one, less than 2 SF of drywall patch, and popping in the new one. Basically the same effort as changing out a ceiling fan (without the annoying blades). It would have taken him 3 hours MAX and $50 in materials (probably just scrap from his truck, honestly). He calls me and asks when I want to schedule him to come over. I tell him $400 seems steep. He sat there with a straight face the entire time and just said that the price was correct and fair. I ended up just telling the warranty outfit to cut me a check and I’ll just replace the unit when I redo the bathroom). People must bite more often than not, I guess.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to get multiple quotes when you’re looking for a home contractor. And don’t offer that you are getting multiple quotes. If they ask, tell the guy you’ve got some phone calls in but he’s the first one you’ve had out to quote the work. And try to have some kind of scope written up so everyone is bidding apples to apples. You don’t have to use the cheapest guy but it’s a nice to check to know you aren’t getting highballed.

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blaxabbath

So I reached the Ikea chick. She gave me the number for the new outfit because they hadn’t called me yet and now I’m just going to be ‘that guy’. I called them and the scheduler is at lunch. Fortunately, however, the receptionist was like, “Oh Blax, yeah we do have your file here” which is actually a huge relief because I halfway expected my project to get lost in the shuffle since it had been initially assigned to Northman.

So I left the dude a voicemail. He’ll be getting a call from me every hour, on the hour, until one of us dies.

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Porky Prime

Ten years ago I would have said just go to CarMax, but their prices and selection aren’t what they used to be.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck those guys

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blaxabbath

I’ve only bought one car in my adult life (besides a new motorcycle when I got back from my deployment and thought I’d try to find a new way to get killed) and that was from a family member. My fiancee’s Toyota is going to explode soon and I’m dreading having to deal with replacing that recall machine.

She’s got a friend whose boyfriend is a legitimately good mechanic. I’ve already started suggesting that she buddy up to him so he can help her find a not-lemon when the time comes.

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Fronkenshteen

Rosie O’Donnell is from my hometown.

I wish I hadn’t said that.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cousin Larry is from mine.

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Fronkenshteen

I fucking LOVED “Perfect Strangers” as a kid. Him & Bronson Pinchot did some absolutely fantastic physical comedy together. Up there with John Ritter, Larry Hagman, & Dick Van Dyke in my (worthless) opinion.

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blaxabbath

Pretty sure I shared a community college class with Jared Loughner.

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Fronkenshteen

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/cd/Jared_Loughner_sheriff's_office.jpg
“I’d like an ‘A’, please.”

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Unsurprised

The best of the bunch so far.

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Sill Bimmons

I taught Bam Margera and his brother how to swim.

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Unsurprised

Fucking … Why!?

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Sill Bimmons

Because the people at the Y told me that if I let them drown I’d go to jail.

Also they were like 7and 8, so they hadn’t really experienced their “professional success” yet.

They were actually pretty good kids once you separated them.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only car salesman I have ever liked was the one portrayed by Kurt Russell in the 80’s classic “Used Cars.”

Really? No love for old Gil?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

http://www.canistream.it/search/movie/used%20cars

Apparently I’m going to stay dead to you

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is an auto clearing house tied in with my credit union that charge a flat fee for finding you a car and doing the sales paperwork. It was worth it by far not to have to deal with car sales people as it is a crime to stab somebody in the face.

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Sill Bimmons

AutoTrader, broseph.

If it’s not on AutoTrader, it’s not for sale.

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blaxabbath

“Does Rosie O’Donnell look like a woman who has had, ‘All she could eat?’”

http://i.imgur.com/eY1eBou.png

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