Coach Zimmer Gets Ready for Work.

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Interior: Coach Zimmer’s home near the Great Northern Minnesota woods

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“Good morning, Maria! Well, I guess it’s about that time again. Training camp starts tomorrow.”

Maria: “I sure hope you have a great year coach. Will you be camping out tonight since it’s the last night before your season starts?”

CZ: “I sure am. You know it’s become somewhat of a tradition. really helps me clear my mind and get ready for the season.”

Maria: “So you’ll be leaving for camp tomorrow and will be gone until the season ends, yes?”

CZ: “Yep, I’ll come home tomorrow to wash up, pack my gear and I’m off until the season’s over. You know a coach’s job never stops during the season.”

Maria: “Try not to work too hard Coach but knowing you…”

CZ: “I know, and you’re right but that’s why they pay me the big bucks. [laughs].

Maria: “I guess I’ll be taking Beansie with me today. We’ll come home in a couple of days after you’ve gone to training camp.”

CZ: “Beansie old buddy!”

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Beansie: “EEEEEKK!”

CZ: “I’m sure gonna miss you big guy. Man, didn’t we have a blast in Jamaica?”

Beansie: “Eeeek Eeek!”

CZ: “Don’t you worry pal, we’ll be heading right back just as soon as this season is over. I love you and all little guy but honestly? I’m hoping we go in February this time if you get what I’m saying?”

Beansie: “Eeek EEEEEK eek!”

CZ: “Damn right Beansie. Super Bowl or bust this year! Maria, here’s a check for six month’s salary. I really appreciate you taking care of Beansie and watching my place during the season.”

Maria: “No, thank YOU Coach. You treat me very well. Beansie is such a good little boy, he’s really no trouble at all.”

CZ: “OK then guys, I’m going to get my camping gear and get one last night of relaxing in. See you when the season is over!”

Coach Zimmer heads to his room where he puts on some heavy hiking boots, some cargo shorts and a polo then he grabs his backpack, a small hatchet and a belt with a large Bowie knife attached. He also takes a bottle of water and a bottle of grain alcohol. Once changed he heads out the door and starts walking towards the woods. As he walks through the neighborhood he sees his neighbor Art.

CZ: “Hey Art? How’s it going?”

Art: “Going good Coach. Are you all ready for the upcoming season?”

CZ: “Almost, I’ve got one last night of adjustment then I think I’ll be ready. Oh, and Art? It looks like your dog might have pooped on my lawn yesterday.”

Art {with a look of absolute terror on his face} “Oh God, Coach! I am so so sorry! I promise it will never happen again I SWEAR TO GOD!”

CZ: Relax, Art! I’m sure it was just an accident. Well, got to get going. Take care!”

Art [breathes huge sigh of relief] “You too Coach. Good luck this season.” [petrified Art runs into his garage to get a plastic bag and a shovel].

Coach continues walking down the sidewalk towards the woods, when he’s suddenly almost run over by a couple of teens on skateboards.

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CZ: “Geez, be careful kids! You don’t want to fall and get hurt! You have your whole lives to look forward to.” The two kids both give Coach a middle finger while skating away down the sidewalk. “Geez. Oh well, I’m sure it’s just a phase they’re going through.” Coach then leaves his neighborhood and approaches the woods.

Entering the great woods Coach Zimmer opens the bottle of grain alcohol and takes a deep slug. From memory Coach begins reciting from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

“When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled make them move.”

A mosquito lands on his arm. “Goddammit! I hate mosquitoes!”

He swats the mosquito on his arm creating a small blood stain. Then he takes another drink of the grain alcohol. He continues speaking out loud.

“So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong, and strike at what is weak.”

“What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease.”

As he continues walking through the woods, he hears an ominous rattle.

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Stepping forward, Coach puts one of his boots directly behind the head of the snake. Taking his Bowie knife, with one swipe he cuts the snakes head off. “Sneaky motherfucker! Look at you now! Try sneaking up on me now you fucking asshole.” He then places the body of the snake in his pack. He continues walking along.

“Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.”

“Rouse him, and learn the principle of his activity or inactivity. Force him to reveal himself, so as to find out his vulnerable spots.”

The trees begin closing in, the canopy of foliage is darkening the forest when suddenly a crashing sound is heard as a large dark object closes in on Coach.

Angry-Bear-Grizzly

Bear: “RRRAAAAWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!”

CZ: [pulling his knife} “RRRRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR THIS YOU SMELLY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!”

Scared-Bear

CZ: “Ah shit, man. Sorry about that “smelly motherfucker thing” but goddamn you smell like a port-a-potty at on Ozzfest concert.”

[bear slinks away with it’s head down}

“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity”

Thus we may know that there are five essentials for victory:
1 He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.
2 He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces.
3 He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.
4 He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.
5 He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign.”

Coach then takes another long pull from the grain alcohol and begins searching for a spot to set up camp for the night. Suddenly he hears a strange snarling sound coming from the bushes.

 

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CZ: “Holy good goddamn look at that vicious motherfucker!”

Wolverine: “snarlchompgrowl snarl snarl!!”

CZ: “Holy shit this guy is a fucking badass! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a wolverine in the wild before.”

Wolverine: “Growlsnarlsnarlrawwwsnarl!”

CZ: “Hey guy! What do you say we have a little shot to relax you up a bit.”

Coach pours a small amount of grain alcohol on the rock where the snarling beast is standing.

The wolverine drinks.

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Wolverine: “Woof?”

Coach and the wolverine spend the next few hours drinking while coach continues reciting The Art of War.

CZ: “You know what? I’m taking you home. You and Beansie will get along great and he needs a little play buddy. I’m also thinking about taking you to training camp. You can be our unofficial mascot. You’re going to need a kickass fucking name to match your ferocity though. I think I’ll call you Mister Winkles!”

Wolverine “?”

———————

Dawn breaks.

Coach packs up his gear, picks up Mister Winkles and starts heading home. Upon exiting the woods and walking towards his house he notices that his front yard has been freshly mowed and watered. Glancing next door he notices his neighbor Art cautiously peering out of the corner of a window. Art gives the smallest of waves. Coach notices that his front lawn is manicured perfectly and there is no sign of dog poo. He turns to look at Art and gives a slight nod.

Approaching his house he spots the two teenagers who almost ran over him the previous day. He walks directly up to them while carrying his pet wolverine. Reaching into his pack he removes the headless rattlesnake and tears a bite out of the raw flesh. The kids suddenly turn and sprint away leaving their skateboards behind.

CZ: “If either one of you miserable motherfuckers ever flips me off again I will have this wolverine chew your goddamn balls off, you miserable fucking shitheads! We’ll just tell your mothers it’s a retroactive abortion you little cocksuckers!” The kids run away screaming like little girls.

Glancing at his new pet, Coach Zimmer reaches into his pocket and takes out his car keys. He puts the wolverine inside the car and gets behind the wheel.

CZ: “Training camp starts today so it’s off to Mankato. Ready Mister Winkles?’

The wolverine nods excitedly.

CZ: “Let’s do this motherfucking thing.”

COACH

/cranks stereo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ4UErc8s7g

CZ: “Lets go to camp Mister Winkles!”

*All quotes in italics are from The Art of War by Sun Tzu.

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yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.
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[…] Mike Zimmer: talk to Mr. Winkles. […]

blaxabbath

Hey – you all seem to got bum bodies. I’m looking for orthopedic doctors on my insurance carrier site and they got a orthopedic surgery specialty, but not just orthopedic docs. Is there a more appropriate search term I should be using?

Ugh – I probably have to call someone now….

blaxabbath

Well, I don’t think it’s a surgery issue…yet. But something is wrong and I just want to be doing something about it because business as usual ain’t working.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Is there a more appropriate search term I should be using?

I hope Moose never asks himself this question.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pro tip; use ‘moderate’ of even better ‘strict’ search at work.

blaxabbath
Fronkenshteen

Can you imagine if you did?
Now THAT’S a screenplay.
*with Jaden Smith as Charles Johnson*

Beerguyrob

The part I liked was Jim Caldwell hiding in the woods taking notes.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Ask and ye shall receive.

comment image

Wait, where did he go?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Here is one with a camo lampshade.

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Spanky Datass
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

BoS shows up every 8 hours to favorite everyone’s comments and post like 1 thing. I feel bad if he skips over me.. I stand by my hate of Minn, still a terrible state.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That was meant to be just a commentary on posting habits but came off as bitter as I read it now. Love you BoS

Don T

I’d be hella enthused too. Zimmer is The Shit: he called out Bobby Petrino and players seem to love then guy (back in CIN and now). The defense is no joke, that game in DEN last year was a heartbreaker, and MIN really dominated SEA in that WC game. Hopefully the offense starts piling on 20+ points from Week 2 onward. WEEK 2 ONWARD.

blaxabbath

Oh – cuz Week 1 Rush…

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Don T

That looks fictional. There’s no defensive players within a foot radius.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah yes, we call that one the “Dan Orlovsky”.

Fronkenshteen

Lucky for Beansie, coach didn’t name the wolverine “Richie Aprile”, right Rich?

http://i.makeagif.com/media/2-22-2015/X3FwcY.gif

/giggles nervously
//changes name
///flees

blaxabbath

I’m no NFC North expert but the Vikings were pretty good last year (hung on the road with ARI last season until Teddy Too Long coughed up the ball, smgdh). But since Jordy is back on the PUP, the media has probably launched GB to the preseason conference favorite slot?

I’m just saying, all this preseason [DFO] love — MIN had better deliver or else they’re just gonna be another JAX hype-train clone.

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

As a Wisconsinite Bears fan who lived near the border between WI/MN. Minnesota is a shit state and no one should take their team seriously. They won because the two other teams in their division had everyone on offense on IR. Detroit doesn’t count as a team. If you need another reason to hate Minn, did you know you can’t buy booze on Sundays there? I think we should kick them out of Merica just for that

blaxabbath

It’s fun to drive to work and hear the local ESPN morning show rip on Chip Hale and talk about his lack of judgement just before they go to break and the first commercial is Chip Hale talking about how great his new F-150 is.

King Hippo

Don’t know about you all, but I sure as shit am motivated! Bring on that HAWT pre-season action STAT!!!!

blaxabbath

Preseason YEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

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ballsofsteelandfury

I think I can see Yeah Right’s erection all the way from Pasadena…

JerBear50

I was kind of hoping this would end with bloodshed of some of the more annoying residents of Lake Wobegon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“*All quotes in italics are from The Art of War by Sun Tzu.”

Bravo

Tango

http://67.media.tumblr.com/62a804db298c4e0e5bdab079e39a443f/tumblr_oai25ce0DV1s9l6yxo1_250.gif

Don T

Me too. Phil Silvers is freakin’ hilarious.

No, I am NOT 85 years old.

/heating oatmeal for dinner right now

Fronkenshteen

I read as many of those as I could get my hands on as a kid. I wonder how much that still informs my sense of humor.

Spanky Datass

Yep, my dad retired (Army) and we moved to the farm when I was eleven. As the only kid left in the house Mad, Cracked, et al kept me company out in the sticks and absolutely shaped my sense of humor.

Fronkenshteen

Did this guy die mid-performance or something? To google!
Yup. From Wikipedia:
On April 17, 1987, during a performance at University of California, San Diego’s Mandeville Hall—including his portrayal of a politician reciting such campaign clichés as “If elected, I will not lay down on the job”—Shawn suffered a fatal heart attack and collapsed face-down on the stage. The audience initially assumed that it was part of his act; but after he had remained motionless on the stage for several minutes, a stage hand examined him and asked if a physician was present.

ballsofsteelandfury

I can totally relate.