Request Line: Damaged Goods (Allegedly)

Mike Tyson is inside a radio studio, alone. His producer is behind the glass.

MIKE TYSON: *looking at the glass* Turn that thermostat up. Damn!

PRODUCER: *mouthing words, gesticulating to his head*

MIKE TYSON: Speak up! What? *grunts, puts earphones on*

PRODUCER: …to 78, Champ. Oh, he’s here.

JJ Watt walks slowly towards the producer, waves to Tyson

PRODUCER: JJ! Put ‘er ther—OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS…

MIKE TYSON: *throws headphones to the floor* STOP SHOUTING MAN! Tell Watt to get his ass in here.

JJ Watt stiffly enters the studio.

JJ WATT: Mister Tyson, it is an honor to meet…

Watt slowly extends right arm, Tyson clasps it and goes toward Watt for a hug, Watt recoils

 JJ WATT: Sorry. I may be coming down with Zika and don’t wanna…

MIKE TYSON: *snorts* You got sultry skin. What do you moisturize with?

JJ WATT: Good, right? It’s not in stores, but the beauty of all BeautiControl prod…

MIKE TYSON: You better start using Ajax on those clammy-ass mitts. I respect pulchritude, but damn! Those hands feel like Jello made out of, of uh… Chrysn… Chryn… Chrysanthemums!

JJ WATT: Huh?

MIKE TYSON:  *pointing to the floor* Hand me my headphones, man.

JJ WATT: Uh… *shuffles slowly towards headphones, nudges them three times toward Tyson with his right foot*

MIKE TYSON: *amused* I heard you get Zika from sex or mosquitoes. You ain’t gonna fuck me, right? *bends down, puts headphones on*

JJ WATT: *moves head toward imaginary camera, smiles* Don’t worry Mike. I don’t *direct gaze* bite.

MIKE TYSON: *abruptly puts the other set of headphones on Watt’s head* Let’s start! *to himself* Corny muhfuckah.

PRODUCER: Now JJ, this will be on five second delay, so don’t worry about being too, quote, Realz.

MIKE TYSON: It’s all about repartee, JJ. Re. Par. Tay. Understand?

JJ WATT: *squints, nods, grimaces*

MIKE TYSON: We also take calls. *Pointing to the glass* Hey, you got them callers?

PRODUCER: Sure Champ. Some are already waiting. Sixty seconds!

MIKE TYSON: *sits on chair, adjusts microphone* Hey guy, relax! Grab a chair and position your mike.

JJ WATT: I’m really, really fine. It’s just that… I’ve been kinda sitting all day. I’ll just stand and *slowly stretching hand towards microphone* Unnnnnhh *grabs mike and pushes it almost vertical, cranes neck* NNhhh Ah…

PRODUCER: You OK JJ?

JJ WATT: A… I… PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO…

PRODUCER: Sounds OK, JJ. Don’t lean in so much. Test your mike, Champ.

MIKE TYSON: *gets up, pulls microphone to face* If you stand, I’ll stand. Ain’t no fucking way you gonna talk down to me. MELLIFLUOUS. GARGANTUAN. STAGGERING.

PRODUCER: Hear ya loud and clear Champ. In three, two, one…

Hip hop beat, Tyson swaying with the rhythm, Watt stands very still

 IT’S THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH SHOW WITH IRON MIKE TYSON. AND HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP HIMSELF, IRON. MIKE. TYYYYSSSONN.

MIKE TYSON: Wassss…. Up! This is the Undisputed Truth Show with Mike Tyson. I’m Mike Tyson and joining me in the studio is Houston Texans star, JJ Watt.

JJ WATT: It’s an honor and a privilege to be here, Iron Michael.

MIKE TYSON: Psh, *bleep* …formalities man! It’s just Mike now. “Shame is the fruit of my vanities, and remorse, and the clearest knowledge of how the world’s delight is a brief dream”.

VONTAZE BURFICT: *on phone* Oh, Mike. Still quoting Petrarch?

MIKE TYSON: Vontaze! Whadda ya think about my man here JJ Watt?

VONTAZE BURFICT: *Terminator voice* Dang my back.

Tyson and Burfict laugh loudly.

JJ WATT: What the…

VONTAZE BURFICT: I’ll be back on the field before you, Stretch. Tez… OUT.

JJ WATT: Even playing dirty, dude can’t carry my jockstrap. Not even while injured. Did you know that last year I played through tears in my torso, groin…

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: *on phone* My, what a baller. Hear that? That is me making a wanking motion with my free hand.

MIKE TYSON: Oh if it isn’t mister Ben Rothlis… Rothstern… Ben! What are you saying? Are you calling out JJ for fallacious stoicism?

JJ WATT: Who the *bleep* are you to *bleep* talk about…

MIKE TYSON: Yeah Ben. You the king of coy. That “I’m not really that banged up” bull *bleep* to play up heroism is hella hackneyed. ‘Sup with that?

JJ WATT: Yeah! *looks for eye contact* Wad up. Wid. Dat?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: Oh wait, I’ll put Le’Veon on. Lev! Le’Veon! He was just here. Lev!

MIKE TYSON: Is he missing? Ben? Ben! Call fell through.

JJ WATT: Just like his O-line! Huh? Huh? *moving arm vertically* Up top GAH. Aahhhnnnn…

PEYTON MANNING: *on phone* Hey Mike. Is that a crippled Denzel Washington there in the studio? Because he seems to have Mo’ Bility Blues.

MIKE TYSON: *lingering eye roll* Life treatin’ ya good Peyton?

JJ WATT: I hope you’re not here to offer me some of quote your wife’s quote HGH, Peyton.

PEYTON MANNING: You should try and get some through the back end, JJ.

JJ WATT: You got away just in time to avoid facing me. You must be at peace.

PEYTON MANNING: Watt, I’ll take you on anytime in the spokesperson arena.

JJ WATT: *to the Nationwide theme* ♫Bailed again by my team’s D♫

PEYTON MANNING: Hey 99, you’re more wooden than a Trojan horse.

PRODUCER: *on headphones* WA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

JJ WATT: Are you coming on to me?

PEYTON MANNING: Kidding aside, in 2015 the team carried me, which goes to show that football is the ultimate team sport. You need the eleven guys in all units to perform and contribute. I was lucky to have such a great coaching staff and trainers that allowed my contributions to be just enough to not lose, and rode it to the championship.

MIKE TYSON: *shaking his goddamn head* Any words for JJ, Peyton? .

PEYTON MANNING: Look JJ, you are the best player in your team right now.

JJ WATT: Yes?

PEYTON MANNING: But more important than performance is having the trust of your teammates. They already know you got their back.

JJ WATT: Thank you Peyton. Coming from such a legend and high class former colleague, that means a lot to me.

PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*

PRODUCER: *on headphones* What a pro.

MIKE TYSON: *looking to the floor, smiles* Well look who’s here! I’ve been looking for you all over. You have pets, JJ?

JJ WATT: I love all animals and persons.

MIKE TYSON: Even those at PFT?

JJ WATT: *glares*

MIKE TYSON: I found this lil’ guy when he was just a week old. I fed ‘im corn and chickpeas, mango if he behaves. I named him Voltaire. You know who Voltaire is?

JJ WATT: *moving head slightly* Mmm mmm.

MIKE TYSON: Didja enjoy Candide?

JJ WATT: I like the sweet and sour stuff, but I try to avoid carbs altogether. Let me see this critter. Here Voltron…

MIKE TYSON: He’s over there, by the…

Watt walks gingerly around the desk

 MIKE TYSON: There ya go! Say hi to JJ.

JJ WATT: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

MIKE TYSON: When we come back, Josh Gordon will be joining us by phone, Lawrence Taylor will stop by, and we’ll try to get a hold of Le’Veon Bell.

Damaged goods! Talk about a way judgmental term. It’s too loaded; everyone has foibles, some have impediments. (And yet, in every spectrum, Greg Hardy can go to hell.) So, let’s see: extraordinary but mostly unredeemable folks, unstable geniuses, unreliable smooth talkers, prodigies who flamed out prematurely, exhilaration that will change lives for the worse. It may be definitely wrong for you, but makes you feel more alive than anything else. First spin goes to:

Thanks to the Notorious R-T-D for giving me the spot this week. Banner picture via unesco.org; rest from top via celebritiestatooed.com, zimbio.com, and maxim.com.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“This is signed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Just think about all of their great songs. Covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in South California. “

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

REM – Losing My Religion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Nirvana – Where did you sleep last night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOZKz_sPM6U

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Tom Petty – Only a Broken Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhhahTmbClg

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Again, you should all be ashamed…as should I this time.
Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYxkezUr8MQ

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The Cardigans – Lovefool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI6aOFI7hms

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

No Doubt – Don’t Speak

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

theeWeeBabySeamus

/bows to the master

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Natalie Imbruglia – Torn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1XWJN3nJo

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh fuck. Nice pull.
I am remiss for having forgotten that one.

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Bush – The Chemicals Between Us
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgBeH5o6HZI

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Not 100% sure what the theme is but skimming the posts this would seem to fit in somehow

Rage Against the Machine – No Shelter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NEoesmnYU4

theeWeeBabySeamus

Live – Lightning Crashes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70_9Zg65g7E

Cuntler

Lotta placenta in that song.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite? Best placenta song in EVAR!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw…this reminds me of how badly I wanted to punch everyone in the face who was singing along to this in concert. I’M HERE TO SEE REGINA SPEKTOR! I DIDN’T BUY A TICKET TO HEAR YOU IDIOTS BUTCHER THIS SONG!

theeWeeBabySeamus
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cuntler

Tool – Sober

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hglVqACd1C8

This video gives me nightmares.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Really digging this theme.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ditto. The timing is kinda interesting.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Soul Asylum – Runaway Train
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtvqT_wMeY

scotchnaut

The first time I heard City and Colour’s Fragile Bird I was knocked over…

https://youtu.be/unXVsWO3bVE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The same thing happened to me but in my case it was the first time I was touched by a cornerback or a safety or a linebacker…”

– Melvin Gordon

scotchnaut

[elbows his way into post]

This is Lloyd Cole and The Commotions talking about battling depression-“Perfect Blue”.

https://youtu.be/K0645ctjoNk

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I love that song and video. Never admitted that to anyone I know in real life but fuck it, it is just you guys here.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Third Eye Blind double…
(triple if you count the pop sound of meth addiction I linked earlier)

Jumper – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lObgLdtXYpU
How’s It Gonna Be – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Femqf_Mel4U

theeWeeBabySeamus

Matchbox Twenty – Unwell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hootie and the Blowfish (AKA Hootay…not raycesst)
Let Her Cry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aVHLL5egRY

theeWeeBabySeamus

Black Crowes – She Talks to Angels
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_5U0M9ErGA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Counting Crows – Round Here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAe3sCIakXo

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Wildflowers – One Headlight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zzyfcys1aLM

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wallflowers. Fuck you autocorrect.

Spanky Datass

Iv’e had this song in my head all week. I think you just exorcised it! WOOOOOO!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sirius/XM plays the fuck out of it.
I’ve heard it at least two dozen times the past few weeks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Killers – All These Things That I’ve Done
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPa89K_viiM

theeWeeBabySeamus

All-American Rejects – Move Along
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XleOkGsYgO8

theeWeeBabySeamus

There was much damage in the 90’s apparently, eh?

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
Kungjitsu

I was going to post the Blurred Lines video because everyone involved in it is pretty damaged, but I don’t know where pr0n begins and the TOS ends. Anyway, Dave Mustaine has some issues.

LIAR https://youtu.be/zOlayd0aubk

theeWeeBabySeamus

Seven Mary Three – Cumbersome
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjNn4bbbgSw

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

Moar Green Day –
Before the Lobotomy – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQVKlFIHI9s
Restless Heart Syndrome – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNQctwfzOAI

theeWeeBabySeamus

And even moar (these fuckers rival Cobain and Co.)

Green Day – Dirty Rotten Bastards
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Gg4QZNOAco

Spanky Datass

Patrick Carney : Bojack’s Theme
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikpc1BN4nN8
That’s one fucked-up and damaged animated Horseman.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jockjam Doorslam is going to be the name of my fantasy team this year.

Spanky Datass

FOUR POINTER!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DYLAN DOUBLE SHOT

Spanky Datass

Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories : Waiting For Wednesday
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cY3rrJV-AoE

theeWeeBabySeamus
montythisseemsstrangetome

Can’t find a good YouTube video, but Liz Phair – Johnny Sunshine

SonOfSpam

The theme is mental illness and delusion, right?

“Trump Knows The Way” by William Tapley (who also goes by Third Eagle of the Apocalypse)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L0k2-kO_yc