Request Line: Top of the Class

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

A pair of radio station employees stand in the production booth, obviously upset and arguing over something.

STATION MANAGER: You said you wanted a businessman! That’s what we’ve got!

PRODUCER: I said a smart businessman! I’m amazed this guy can even tie his own shoes!

DAN SNYDER: [In the recording booth; his voice plays through the control rooms PA] There! Only took me six tries this time!

STATION MANAGER: [Weakly smiles and gives a thumbs up back] He, uh, can’t hear us in here, right?

PRODUCER: Not unless he has his headset on, or somehow has superhuman hearing…

STATION MANAGER: Well, I’m sorry. When he said he was an NFL Owner, I figured he would have to be at least kinda smart… Look, if you don’t want to use him, we did get one more applicant. A Mr… Dean Span–

PRODUCER: Who is LITERALLY the ONLY person LESS QUALIFIED for this SEGMENT! [Takes a deep breathe, sighs] Look, he’s here, let’s just get this over with.

The STATION MANAGER motions for SNYDER to put on his headphones. He does, then stares blankly back at him.

STATION MANAGER: Mr. Snyder? We’re going to start soon. After the music plays, we need you to read through the script we provided and then take some calls. Sound good?

SNYDER: Sure does, Mr. Talking Headphones!

PRODUCER: We are so fired…

The theme music starts to play and fades out after a moment.

SNYDER: [Clearly reading] Hello, and welcome to Smart Talk! I’m Daniel Snyder, owner and CEO of the Washington [BLEEEEEEEP] and I will be your guest host this week. We are going to play some mag-nif-i-cent in-tell-ect-u-al tunes for you in a minute, but first, let’s open it up to the lines. [Puts down the script and sits there quietly]

STATION MANAGER: [Through the headphones] Uh, sir? You need to press one of the flashing buttons in front of you and introduce the caller.

SYNDER: Oh, uh… [Presses button] …hello? You’re on, er, Smart Chat!

PETER KING: [With his mouth full] Dan? It’s Peter!

SNYDER: Uh, hello? It’s hard to hear you.

KING: [Chewing] Sorry, I’m at a baseball game! [Swallows] Have you ever had Walleye before? At a Twins game!? Only in Minnesota!

SNYDER: Oh, Hello Peter.

KING: I’m not too keen on the coffee though. Can you believe, an entire ballpark without a Starbucks?

SNYDER: You know, FedEx Field doesn’t have any either. That’s not a bad idea…

KING: Oh, you must. Anyway, I was calling to ask you about some investments! I was looking to buy some shares of Red Zone Capital Management! What do you think?

SNYDER: Definitely! As my Finance guy told me last week, “after em-buzz-ling all of this money, profits couldn’t legally be higher!”

KING: Great! I’ll talk to my friends when I got home on Wall Street! You know, Wall Street?! Only in New York! [Crowd cheers in background] Gotta go! I think the line just cleared up for the men’s room! Can you believe that someone like ME has to wait—

SNYDER: [Cutting off] Thanks Peter. Alright, next up. You’re on Smart Speak!

TRENT GREEN: Hello? Helllloooo? Can you hear me on the mooooon, Spaceman?

SNYDER: Hi, this is Dan Snyder of the Washington [BLEEEEEEEP]. Who is this?

GREEN: Hey, didn’t I used to play a game for you?

SNYDER: Joe? Joe Theismann? Is that you?!

GREEN: Uhhh, yup! That’s me!

SNYDER: Joe! How are you doing?! How’s Robin and the kids?

GREEN: They are, very… [shuffling sounds] carpet?

SYNDER: Glad to hear it!

GREEN: Yes, well it’s tough when you are the Queen of France. [Suddenly screaming] AHHH! A MONSTER! IT’S IN MY ROOM! NOOOOoooo– [Garbled noises then nothing]

SYNDER: Joe!? JOE!? Are you okay!?

A WOMAN’S VOICE: [Muffled through the phone] Nurse! I told you not to let him download Pokemon Go! Now he’s in the crawl space again!

SYNDER: Call me later Joe! Alright, next caller! You’re on Smart Line!

HERM EDWARDS: I ONCE ATE A SIX FOOT PARTY SUB IN ONE SITTING BECAUSE WOODY JOHNSON SAID I COULDN’T. DIDN’T EAT AGAIN FOR ANOTHER 10 DAYS AFTER THAT.

SNYDER: Wow, that actually sounds like an effective time saver for when you’re on the go.

HERM: WHEN MY HANDS GET COLD, I JUST TAKE OFF MY SHOES AND USE MY SOCKS AS MITTENS.

SNYDER: I don’t like having to take off my shoes unless I have to…

PRODUCER: Okay, I don’t think there’s any getting out of this whirlpool of stupid. Cut to commercial.

This weeks Request Line topic is: Stupid. It can be songs about dumb people, things, thoughts, hell, even the songs themselves can be stupid. Now get out there and lower our IQs, just in time for some football this weekend!