Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 42)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Mrs. Grigsby’s third-grade class. Young Percival Po is standing at the front of the classroom, showing off his robot drawing for show & tell.

HRTN Po Bot

Young Po: This is my robot…he’s made of a special titanium alloy that you can only make in space, an’ he’s got a flame-thrower for a hand, an’…

A wadded up piece of paper hits young Percival Po in the head.

Mrs. Grigsby (stern): Class! I will not have any of you disrupting Percival, is that clear?

Class (in unison): Yes, Mrs. Grigsby.

Mrs. Grigsby (to Young Po): Go on, Percival, tell us more about your robot.

Young Po (looking nervous): Well… he’s big, sixty feet tall…

Mrs. Grigsby: Goodness! Why is he so large, Percival?

Young Po (frowning): Well, I wanted to make him a hunnert feet tall, but that’s too heavy for his superstructure. Plus the force-feedback servo-motors would need a bigger reactor, an’ there’s no way to get that much uranium without…

Young Percival Po stops, suddenly aware everyone is staring at him.

Young Po: Umm…

A spitball sails out of the back of the room, nailing Po right in the forehead. In the back of the room. Li’l JJ Fozz and L’l Unsurprised are laughing, while Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van looks distressed.

Li’l JJ Fozz (holding a straw): Ha! What a geek!

Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (sitting next to Li’l JJ Fozz): Aw, man…that was, like, my last paper, dude.

Mrs. Grigsby (angrily): Well, I have to say I’m not surprised!

Li’l Unsurprised: Me neither.

Mrs. Grigsby (heading down the row of chairs): You three! Up! It’s time for a march down to the principal’s office!

Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Aw, man…again? I was just, like, there yesterday, man.

Mrs. Grigsby: You weren’t here yesterday, young man! Or the day before that, I might add.

Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (counting on his fingers): Wait, what day is it again…?

Li’l JJ Fozz (getting up reluctantly): Thursday, you goofball.

Li’l Unsurprised (also getting up): Yeah. Only three more days until foobaw!

Li’l JJ Fozz (high-fiving Li’l Unsurprised): Yeah, football!

Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (disappointed): Aw, I thought there was a game on tonight, man…

Li’l Unsurprised: On Thursday? That’s dumb, Marc.

Lil JJ Fozz: Never happen.

Mrs. Grigsby (ushering them toward the door): Out! All of you! And apologize to poor Percival on your way out!

Li’l Unsurprised: Whatever. Sorry you’re so lame, man.

Li’l Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Does this mean we don’t get to hear about the robot, man? Like, I was digging that, man.

Li’l JJ Fozz (passing Po): Sorry…

The three go out the classroom door.

Li’l JJ Fozz (just before the door shuts): Dumbass!

The entire class starts laughing. Mrs. Grigsby tries to quiet them down. At the front of the class, young Percival Po stands, red with embarrassment, the spitball sliding down his cheek.

Young Po (brow furrowing in anger): Some day…some day I’ll make all of you pay!

Cut to: The Island of Professor Po! More specifically, the mission control building near the launch pad.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

King Hippo (exiting the men’s room): Zymm was right. That was a good idea.

Steve the Ninja (following King Hippo out): Hey, there’s a vending machine here! Got any change?

King Hippo (checking pockets): I got thirty-five cents. And a button. And a green Skittle.

King Hippo pops the Skittle into his mouth, makes a strange face, then spits it out.

King Hippo: That ain’t no Skittle. You got any change?

Steve the Ninja: Nope. No pockets. Plus, coins make noise and ninjas are supposed to be stealthy. We learned that on day one.

Yeah Right (joining them in the hall): Hey, a vending machine! Who’s got change?

King Hippo shrugs and holds up his thirty-five cents.

Yeah Right (disappointed): Aw, and the machine’s got Diggler Double-Dipped Donuts!

Steve the Ninja: Double-dipped?

King Hippo: They dip ’em in two kinds o’ frosting…two!

Yeah Right: The frosting’s so thick, there’s not even a donut hole…it’s just more frosting!

Steve the Ninja (noticing a technician coming around the corner): Bahar! Hey, man, how about a small loan?

Bahar the Technician: Steve? Sorry, I’m pretty tapped out this month. I’m saving for the new Aztec Supreme 6000X motherboard. I’m tired of my CPU freezing up when I’m streaming…um, cat videos…?

King Hippo (to Yeah Right): Uh-huh. Cat videos. Riiight.

Yeah Right (giggling): I remember when Ballsofsteelandfury melted one of our club servers downloading a terabyte of cat videos.

King Hippo: Really? You gotta let me join yer club!

Steve the Ninja: C’mon, Bahar. We just need to get some munchies for the flight. Be a bro.

Bahar the Technician: Sorry, Steve. You know how it is. Motherboards before bros.

King Hippo (advancing menacingly): I ain’t ever heard that.

Bahar the Technician (starting to back away): I was just going to use the restroom, but I am sure I can wait until my next break…

Yeah Right: Get him!

Bahar the Technician screeches and starts to run, but Yeah Right tackles him. King Hippo grabs Bahar’s legs and starts shaking him up and down. Coins fall out and clatter on the floor, where Steve the Ninja grabs them.

Steve the Ninja: Uncool, Bahar! You’ve got a ton of change!

Bahar the Technician (being shaken upside down by King Hippo): B…buh…buh…

Outside, unnoticed by the ravenous trio, their rocket sits on the launch pad. It vents steam, then it starts to smoke. Then it does this:

HRTN Po-splosion

The explosion lights up the hallway. Everyone turns to stare at the flaming wreckage as it scatters across the launchpad.

King Hippo (dropping Bahar, who scurries away): Ho-lee…

Yeah Right: ZYMM! Zymm was still in there!

Steve the Ninja: Aw, shoot. I mean, sure, she threatened to have you guys throw me in a volcano, but she kinda grew on you, y’know?

King Hippo (patting Yeah Right on the shoulder): Sorry, little buddy.

Yeah Right: I knew I never should have left the clubhouse. I went looking for adventure, and now Zymm is…

Doktor Zymm (walking out of the women’s restroom): Vas? Vat happened to ze rocket?

Yeah Right (picking up Zymm in a hug): You’re alive! We thought you got blown up with the rocket!

Doktor Zymm (carefully extricating herself from Yeah Right’s embrace): Nein. Zince everyone else vas …taking a break…I decided to as vell. Zat verdammt zecondary propulsion zystem must have exploded.

King Hippo (to Yeah Right): Hey, you know what this means? You saved us, little guy!

Yeah Right: Me…?

Steve the Ninja: He’s right! Your small bladder is the reason we’re all alive!

Yeah Right (high-fiving King Hippo and Steve the Ninja): Yeeeeah, boyeeee! Let’s hear it for my bladder! Hey, Zymm, I saved us all…even you!

Doktor Zymm (frowning): Ja…

King Hippo: So what’s wrong?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, ve vere going to ze moon to rescue our friends…now who vill help zem?

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s RV, where Pirate Sloth is fighting madly to regain control of the vehicle as it flies toward the moon.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, c’mon, you beastie…I’ll not be dyin’ so far from an ocean…

Otto’s Brain (in the passenger seat): We’re gonna crash! And then we’re gonna die!

Pirate Sloth: I wish ye’d stop sayin’ that, Otto. Yer givin’ me a headache.

Otto’s Brain: Oh, sorry. Well, I’m sure it’ll go away after we’re scattered in pieces across the lunar surface!

Pirate Sloth: Arr, I should’ve kept me job at the Swabby Sloop…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

I guess we don’t have the funding to build a space elevator 🙁
Has Virgin Space started up yet? We could just hitch a ride with Branson.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

That looks like a horribly fitting bra, I hope she doesn’t wear that for stuff other than sexy photo shoots.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, it needs to come off. Also it would help if she was sitting on an outdoor bar stool on a nice day. Sipping… let’s say a margarita, seems like the day for it. The Bodeans playing. Some bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers, some oysters.

Wait, maybe I’m putting too much on a gif.

Doktor Zymm

Naw, everyone likes a good appetizer sampler!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think I’ve got most tastes here, not quite; no judging; dootle what you dootle.

http://media.giphy.com/media/MGU3AC1zapYT6/giphy.gif

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Virginia is for lovers, and apparently meth!

Brocky

Also

King Hippo (checking pockets): I got thirty-five cents. And a button. And a green Skittle.

King Hippo pops the Skittle into his mouth, makes a strange face, then spits it out.

King Hippo: That ain’t no Skittle. You got any change?

Looks like me and King Hippo are one same page about this abomination:

http://geekcle.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/skittles-300×168.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

BUT DON’T THEY MAKE YOU HORNY?!?!?

blaxabbath
nomonkeyfun
Brocky
laserguru

Actually that’s a pretty badass robot drawing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What’s this about donuts and dip?”

[lays down rubber in a circle in his Camaro, spits out tobacco juice]

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Enrico Pallazzo

Can I fuck said double-dipped donuts???

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sure, if you’ve got the right equipment.”

– Brett Favre

blaxabbath

I appreciate quality ingredients, expert mixolo-professionals, and a comfortable setting — but $13 for a cocktail that doesn’t guarantee that my advances will not be spurned seems a little steep.

ballsofsteelandfury

You’ve obviously not been to LA recently.

blaxabbath

I have not.

But a living wage in LA is not the same as a living wage in Oklahoma!

jjfozz

Now I want donuts.

Never knew that Beastmode and I were in the same elementary school class, cause that part of the post was scarily accurate.

blaxabbath

“Now I want donuts.”

The Tony Romo Offseason Story

The Maestro

Unrelated: I really hope we can find some good ways to put this picture to good use on here, moving forward.

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blaxabbath
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’m just going to leave this right here, in case some people missed it.

doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/07/16/meanwhile-in-san-diego/

laserguru

I saved the good Dok and the Hippo!

Hugs for everybody!

nomonkeyfun

The only things that get me going on a Friday morning are HRTN and Bikini Kill. Thank you Beastmode for being my slightly more SFW internet fix today.

ballsofsteelandfury

Bikini Kill?!? Do elaborate…

nomonkeyfun
Covalent Blonde

It is my weekly reward for having survived whatever shitfest the previous five days had been.

ballsofsteelandfury

That not surprised/Unsurprised joke was so great. You’ve been sitting on that one, haven’t ya?

Also, referential appearance woooooooooo!!

SonOfSpam

That was a highlight for sure.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fun read, as always.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Guys, guys. You’re going about this vending machine business all wrong.
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Also, the Sea of Tranquility is sort of like the ocean.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sorry. I’m not used to the new system where frinkiac lets you make gifs longer than 4s.
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Doktor Zymm

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