Dear Diary:

It’s been a bit hard summoning enthusiasm for these pre-season affairs. Don’t get me wrong-I love football but the second half of these games look like a bunch of anonymous wrestling fans enjoying their day-pass from some anger management facility. The thing is…there’s a ton of compelling drama going on at any given time during this thing called “The Olympics”. It’s simply remarkable stuff-even if it’s being aired by NBC! Okay, apparently I just had a moment of weakness-I LOVE YOU NFL! But seriously, did you see those girls on the trampoli…[slowly turns around]

Well hello there! I didn’t see you looking over my shoulder until just now. That whole “Olympic thing”?, that was just a joke. Ha, ha, [trails off, coughs] The games tonight promise to be even more scintillating than last night’s offering. I guarantee it!*

Lions/Steelers-“Life Without Megatron” is the working title of my one-man tragi-comic, off-Broadway play. Basically, a guy mimics treading water for two and a half hours while reciting to himself all the mistakes he’s made over the course of his life. A friend of a friend told me that HBO is interested-fingers crossed! Maybe with a bit of luck the Lions will find a playmaker at the rb spot. They must choose between household names Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick, Stevan Ridley, Dwayne Washington, George Winn and Zach Zenner-not an easy decision! The list of Steelers not playing is almost as long as the folks that are donning the old False Gold and Evil Black tonight. The likes of Wheaton, Pouncey, Ben, Brown, Bell and Williams will be smirking on the sidelines.

Fins/Giants-Now that Lamar Miller has left, this becomes Jay Ajayjayjay’s team. New coach Adam Gase is on the record as saying that, “If you want your QB to get beat up, you throw long” which is the new “My guy has quite the noodly arm, dontcha know”. The Giants have a shit ton of new pieces in place because why the hell would you keep going with the mess that got you to 6-10 last year? Two fellers that have impressed so far are 2nd round wr Shepard and 5th round rb Perkins.

Vikes/Bengals-Minny grabbed future wr1 Laquon Treadwell with their first pick so that the emerging Stefon Diggs has someone to play with. The guy I’ll be taking a peek at is ubermensch Moritz Boringer. If the Vikes plan on marching up and down the field this season, who better to lead them than a German? The Bengals are all about the motto:”The more things don’t change at the coaching position, the more things stay the same.” Starvin’ Marvin has been impressed with rook wr Tyler Boyd who we should see a lot of this evening. This time next year we should catch our first glimpse of first round pick William Jackson III. Stupid chest injuries!

Browns/Packers-[doesn’t care about the Browns but prays nontheless, “Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3.”] I’m quite sure he’ll go down in a heap at some point, I’d just like it to be some time during the regular season. Very near-future starting qb’s Josh McCown and Cody Kessler should have a lot of time this pre-season practising the old “run for your life” play. The Pack have liked the work of undrafted wr Geronimo!!! Allison out of Illinois. There’s talk of carrying as many as 6 or 7 wideouts this year so the guy might have a shot at a spot.

Raider/Cards-Arizony’s front office caught some flack when they drafted dt Nkemdiche because of *gasps* CHARACTER ISSUES! Whatever. They also took a flyer on some kid that played rb and switched to cb. Oops. You don’t reach for a kid like that in the third round (goes the conventional wisdom). Well lookee here, Brandon Williams has got the starting cb spot across from Pat Peterson. I wish my Gatsby hat was that smart! Raiders owner and $5 haircut aficionado Mark Davis seems to be slowly building a not-embarrassing team out west. The football does fall far from the tree!

*not a guarantee

Well, I’ve done my part, now it’s your turn to SPANK THOSE WORDS OUT