Your “I Will Love This Lousy Football Out Of Spite!” Friday Night Football Open Thread

Dear Diary:

It’s been a bit hard summoning enthusiasm for these pre-season affairs. Don’t get me wrong-I love football but the second half of these games look like a bunch of anonymous wrestling fans enjoying their day-pass from some anger management facility. The thing is…there’s a ton of compelling drama going on at any given time during this thing called “The Olympics”. It’s simply remarkable stuff-even if it’s being aired by NBC! Okay, apparently I just had a moment of weakness-I LOVE YOU NFL! But seriously, did you see those girls on the trampoli…[slowly turns around]

 

Well hello there! I didn’t see you looking over my shoulder until just now. That whole “Olympic thing”?, that was just a joke. Ha, ha, [trails off, coughs] The games tonight promise to be even more scintillating than last night’s offering. I guarantee it!*

Lions/Steelers-“Life Without Megatron” is the working title of my one-man tragi-comic, off-Broadway play. Basically, a guy mimics treading water for two and a half hours while reciting to himself all the mistakes he’s made over the course of his life. A friend of a friend told me that HBO is interested-fingers crossed! Maybe with a bit of luck the Lions will find a playmaker at the rb spot. They must choose between household names Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick, Stevan Ridley, Dwayne Washington, George Winn and Zach Zenner-not an easy decision! The list of Steelers not playing is almost as long as the folks that are donning the old False Gold and Evil Black tonight. The likes of Wheaton, Pouncey, Ben, Brown, Bell and Williams will be smirking on the sidelines.

Fins/Giants-Now that Lamar Miller has left, this becomes Jay Ajayjayjay’s team. New coach Adam Gase is on the record as saying that, “If you want your QB to get beat up, you throw long” which is the new “My guy has quite the noodly arm, dontcha know”. The Giants have a shit ton of new pieces in place because why the hell would you keep going with the mess that got you to 6-10 last year? Two fellers that have impressed so far are 2nd round wr Shepard and 5th round rb Perkins.

Vikes/Bengals-Minny grabbed future wr1 Laquon Treadwell with their first pick so that the emerging Stefon Diggs has someone to play with. The guy I’ll be taking a peek at is ubermensch Moritz Boringer. If the Vikes plan on marching up and down the field this season, who better to lead them than a German? The Bengals are all about the motto:”The more things don’t change at the coaching position, the more things stay the same.” Starvin’ Marvin has been impressed with rook wr Tyler Boyd who we should see a lot of this evening. This time next year we should catch our first glimpse of first round pick William Jackson III. Stupid chest injuries!

Browns/Packers-[doesn’t care about the Browns but prays nontheless, “Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3.”] I’m quite sure he’ll go down in a heap at some point, I’d just like it to be some time during the regular season. Very near-future starting qb’s Josh McCown and Cody Kessler should have a lot of time this pre-season practising the old “run for your life” play. The Pack have liked the work of undrafted wr Geronimo!!! Allison out of Illinois. There’s talk of carrying as many as 6 or 7 wideouts this year so the guy might have a shot at a spot.

Raider/Cards-Arizony’s front office caught some flack when they drafted dt Nkemdiche because of *gasps* CHARACTER ISSUES! Whatever. They also took a flyer on some kid that played rb and switched to cb. Oops. You don’t reach for a kid like that in the third round (goes the conventional wisdom). Well lookee here, Brandon Williams has got the starting cb spot across from Pat Peterson. I wish my Gatsby hat was that smart! Raiders owner and $5 haircut aficionado Mark Davis seems to be slowly building a not-embarrassing team out west. The football does fall far from the tree!

*not a guarantee

Well, I’ve done my part, now it’s your turn to SPANK THOSE WORDS OUT

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WCS


I know tWBS is a Balmer native, and he’s feeling down. So, let’s add some fun to the mix.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Afraid to click.
Clicks.
smgdh
You’re screwed now when I finally get up there.
Dick.
LMFAO

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, fuck depressing…time for anger…and perversion…
At least for a moment until depression takes over again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g19fCJotPc

Mr. Ayo

Might as well have some fun
https://youtu.be/d6oQM7muCYk

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hells yeah!!!
/remembers Scott is dead

Hells yeah!!!!
/Scott would want it that way
//I think

WCS


Man, I hope this works. I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t, though. Here’s the link, otherwise:
http://www.smokingmusket.com/2016/1/26/10832812/espn-scott-van-pelt-west-virginia-mountaineers-texas-tech-red-raiders-basketball-highlights-video

Like I say in the comments, SVP is good people, for being a Terp.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was about to click, then read “terp”
You are a cruel man.

WCS

Guns up.

Unsurprised

Sorry I abandoned the fun. I got an idea on future work off FB and fell down the rabbit hole.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL. I find it unsettling that I’m now pulling another soul in.
Hey there, friend…
/grabs Unsurprised by wrist and drags him down with me

Unsurprised

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Mr. Ayo

“fun” Yeah, we’re having a grand ole time here!

Also, the best work leads come from FaceBook. Double win for you tonight.

Unsurprised

It’s the only reason I still use it.

WCS


They make prison seem better than any trip I ever took with my parents.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My favorite part is the shaving of the garlic cloves. No idea why that is.

WCS

“Medium-rare? An aristocrat.”

Unsurprised

Someone who’d been in prison back in those days had to finally explain why he makes that remark. As it was, getting shit meat as a civilian was common enough that eating a medium rare steak was a bold move. In prison, or if you’ve ever even been to prison, though, you don’t eat anything less than medium-well afterwards unless you’re really confident in your butcher and think you’re hot shit.

Unsurprised

Because it’s something that no screenwriter would ever have the creativity to think up on their on, which strengthens the authenticity of the scene and the rest of the movie.

Unsurprised

Oh, and LOL at Paulie saying “sandgwiches”

Unsurprised

It’s still only the second most “glamorous” story of prison life I’ve ever heard. The first one was fucking dope. Not Escobar living in the luxury prison he built for himself nice, but even a bit better than this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This one’s gonna leave a scar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc

WCS

…what this video doesn’t show is how ass-clenchingly close it was in the fourth quarter. Forget lighting a couch on fire, my heart was ready to self-immolate until the fake punt.

Mr. Ayo

*updates playlist*

theeWeeBabySeamus

This one’s gonna leave a mark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXdNnw99-Ic

Mr. Ayo

Fuck Johnny Cash’s cover. Trent did it right the first time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If you had boobs and could cook…..

Unsurprised

That describes me

theeWeeBabySeamus

Mr Ayo on the same wavelength as me.
/suicide pact invoked?

Mr. Ayo

Of course not. I’m not worth enough to cause any grief to family, friends, co-workers, or acquaintances.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I love this guy. So fucking much.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Granted, I might be only about to depress the fuck out of meself.
Good enough tho, either way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnKl4AAo41c

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fair warning dudes….you can either go to sleep now as you should…
Or else Immabout to depress the fuck out of all of ya’s….

WCS

If yinz can top Springsteen’s Nebraska, we should all just lock ourselves in the bathroom and mix the bleach and chlorine.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep. totally agreed.
smgdh

Mr. Ayo

Challenge accepted.

WCS

Lil’ WCS slept through the entire night last night, 23:00-06:30. Guess who’s been crying incessantly since about 23:15?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds pretty much like me. Only my best effort of sleep since August happened was about 3 hours.
And that has only happened once.
/not joking
//but glad to hear the li’l WCS angel is ahead of me there

Mr. Ayo

I don’t understand this metric time keeping. I can subtract 12 from 23, but not from 06.

laserguru

/lights trash can on fire.

//breaks out bottle of bourbon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKvg232drCo

WCS

laserguru
Mr. Ayo
laserguru

I’m gonna play that song!

laserguru

I’m glad I played that song!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
laserguru

So Sunday,

yeah, I’ve given myself some work.

I’m going to push that “Fuck that store bought shit” tag for all it’s worth.

I’m bringing in the whole damn family for this shit.

Grand kids and all that shit.

Get an assembly line goin’.

Family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5BP2KlPD4U

laserguru

final score -9 on 18 holes.
I lost to Brother to be Named Later who had a -12.

Dj Taj was at -7.

Now let’s get this party started proper.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqPCxh28bms

laserguru

Hiya Blondie!

You realize that you left Hippo and I on the moon with ineffective ninjas.

I’m calling an Uber.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They’d just crash you into space debris.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I’m done, gents and lady.
Too much to deal with tonight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUATkpMQ8A

laserguru

Hey guys!
New comments!

Let’s Party!

I have doobage!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Goddamned braggart.
/hates empty baggies

Beerguyrob

Which of these clods is married to Cameron Diaz?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Buster Pussy hasn’t done much tonight so far, eh?
/might have misspelled that
//gonna pay for that one

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMAO…buster pussy….totally mostly inadvertent.
But sure, more than willing.

Spanky Datass

Bust ‘er Pussy? I barely touched ‘er pussy!

Covalent Blonde

No, we’re not looking great…. then again, I am not positive I would blame our saviour, Saint Posey.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Saint. Yeah, OK.
(kidding, Buster is one of my fav players)
((always respects a fundamentally sound backstop))
(((yes, his is)))
((((but this weekend, he can suck it))))

theeWeeBabySeamus

How ya like me now, SF?
-Chris Davis

Unsurprised

Oh, did I mention I’ll be working near one of the universities?

theeWeeBabySeamus

COEDS!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, I meant to say library access.

Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eftf_1q72zc

Bif Naked “The Peacock Song”

laserguru

All 3 of us tied at -5 on the front nine.

Where’s the Drink girl!

Unsurprised

If I weren’t such a cheap bastard, I’d have celebrated
http://socalpulse.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/blue-star-donuts-300×[email protected]

Horatio Cornblower

I would fuck at least four of those donuts.

Unsurprised

The dark ones?

Horatio Cornblower

Give me $10 and I’ll tell you.

Otherwise you buy ’em at your own risk.

Unsurprised

Oh no. What ever would I do with uneaten donuts?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Dentist (1932) starring W.C. Fields

theeWeeBabySeamus

/Was just at dentist yesterday.
//Now feels cheated.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was pre”Code”.

Spanky Datass

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

I am not saying shit.
I might be stupid mostly, but I do know when to stfu.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Me too, that damn thing has armor.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rythmic.

Unsurprised

It’s ripe for mischief.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh man! I meant there were not bites taken out. Damn pervert.

laserguru
Unsurprised
Shogun Marcus
Shogun Marcus

Nin-Burn

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ninburns hurt like hell.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would counter this joke with “Hold on, I need to get some peanut butter.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

And yeah, let’s not fuck around and take any chances.
/buys the 1lb 2 pack
//SOMEBODY’S LICKING MY BALLS BEFORE THE WEEKEND IS OVER GODDAMMIT

Covalent Blonde

Wow. My first my Niners are a dumpster fire and now my Giants bring me pain. Fuck you, 50% of Bay Area sports!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Get used to it. This weekend is gonna cause you pain like you’ve never known.
/Remembers that Kevin Gausman can’t hit for shit
//Fuck you NL ballparks.

laserguru

The Orioles ain’t gonna hit for shit in that barn.

Got any strong lefties?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not even one.
You believe that shit?

Unsurprised

I flew over Sacramento on my last return trip from L.A. to Portland, and well … I’m pretty sure I was closer to the Big Zipper than the bay is to it.