Your “I Will Love This Lousy Football Out Of Spite!” Friday Night Football Open Thread

Dear Diary:

It’s been a bit hard summoning enthusiasm for these pre-season affairs. Don’t get me wrong-I love football but the second half of these games look like a bunch of anonymous wrestling fans enjoying their day-pass from some anger management facility. The thing is…there’s a ton of compelling drama going on at any given time during this thing called “The Olympics”. It’s simply remarkable stuff-even if it’s being aired by NBC! Okay, apparently I just had a moment of weakness-I LOVE YOU NFL! But seriously, did you see those girls on the trampoli…[slowly turns around]

 

Well hello there! I didn’t see you looking over my shoulder until just now. That whole “Olympic thing”?, that was just a joke. Ha, ha, [trails off, coughs] The games tonight promise to be even more scintillating than last night’s offering. I guarantee it!*

Lions/Steelers-“Life Without Megatron” is the working title of my one-man tragi-comic, off-Broadway play. Basically, a guy mimics treading water for two and a half hours while reciting to himself all the mistakes he’s made over the course of his life. A friend of a friend told me that HBO is interested-fingers crossed! Maybe with a bit of luck the Lions will find a playmaker at the rb spot. They must choose between household names Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick, Stevan Ridley, Dwayne Washington, George Winn and Zach Zenner-not an easy decision! The list of Steelers not playing is almost as long as the folks that are donning the old False Gold and Evil Black tonight. The likes of Wheaton, Pouncey, Ben, Brown, Bell and Williams will be smirking on the sidelines.

Fins/Giants-Now that Lamar Miller has left, this becomes Jay Ajayjayjay’s team. New coach Adam Gase is on the record as saying that, “If you want your QB to get beat up, you throw long” which is the new “My guy has quite the noodly arm, dontcha know”. The Giants have a shit ton of new pieces in place because why the hell would you keep going with the mess that got you to 6-10 last year? Two fellers that have impressed so far are 2nd round wr Shepard and 5th round rb Perkins.

Vikes/Bengals-Minny grabbed future wr1 Laquon Treadwell with their first pick so that the emerging Stefon Diggs has someone to play with. The guy I’ll be taking a peek at is ubermensch Moritz Boringer. If the Vikes plan on marching up and down the field this season, who better to lead them than a German? The Bengals are all about the motto:”The more things don’t change at the coaching position, the more things stay the same.” Starvin’ Marvin has been impressed with rook wr Tyler Boyd who we should see a lot of this evening. This time next year we should catch our first glimpse of first round pick William Jackson III. Stupid chest injuries!

Browns/Packers-[doesn’t care about the Browns but prays nontheless, “Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3. Please don’t play RG3.”] I’m quite sure he’ll go down in a heap at some point, I’d just like it to be some time during the regular season. Very near-future starting qb’s Josh McCown and Cody Kessler should have a lot of time this pre-season practising the old “run for your life” play. The Pack have liked the work of undrafted wr Geronimo!!! Allison out of Illinois. There’s talk of carrying as many as 6 or 7 wideouts this year so the guy might have a shot at a spot.

Raider/Cards-Arizony’s front office caught some flack when they drafted dt Nkemdiche because of *gasps* CHARACTER ISSUES! Whatever. They also took a flyer on some kid that played rb and switched to cb. Oops. You don’t reach for a kid like that in the third round (goes the conventional wisdom). Well lookee here, Brandon Williams has got the starting cb spot across from Pat Peterson. I wish my Gatsby hat was that smart! Raiders owner and $5 haircut aficionado Mark Davis seems to be slowly building a not-embarrassing team out west. The football does fall far from the tree!

*not a guarantee

Well, I’ve done my part, now it’s your turn to SPANK THOSE WORDS OUT

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
338 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck you, sloth.
Asshole.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a lot of fucking dogs.
On the plus side, we’ll have meat this winter.

Unsurprised

“That’s a lot of fucking dogs.”

That’s also why there are so many.

(Thank you. I’ll be here all week.)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cardinals color guy channeling Boltman, talking about the cornerback getting a “dark baptism by fire.”

Unsurprised

It’s a shame. You’d think Boltman would be fun like Duff Man, not the avatar of blood and darkness.

Unsurprised

I can’t imagine how this gif will be abused as the season rolls along.
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ooh, ooh, I’ll start…
Who wants a Cutler Finger Bang?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I remember being amused by that when it happened live.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So what I’m taking away from the Raiders first preseason game is that the starters held Arizona (a sexy preseason Superbowl pick) to a 3-3 stalemate. Can’t complain.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s actualoy exactly what I’m doing!

Unsurprised

Well, don’t just hide there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, warming out of the acoustic/unplugged mode.
But totally not because the bourble is causing me to embrace my inner “fuck you”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31jenMJ0UOc

Unsurprised

Continuing with my Jessica Alba theme
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

SF home crowd boos Machado solo shot.
Warms tWBS’ tiny black heart.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Happy Friday
comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Crap! I think I’m getting glaucoma!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got some weed if you….wait never mind. I don’t have any weed.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

BWAHAHAHA!!! I live in WA!!!

/still no weed store in town, due to clutching of pearls and fucking old population

Unsurprised

Move out of the sticks

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Eh, a couple of the nearby towns have them, so it’s not a big deal. Just something I like to complain about.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still regret not spending 3 days hitting every dispensary in CO.
This non-resident 1/4 oz limit is total horseshit.
Fuck you Colorado.

Unsurprised

If you come up to Portland, you can probably wrangle OSZ and Pirate Sloth and you know I’m down and won’t smoke it. That’s 3oz/day per dispensary.

Unsurprised

Oh, wait. Here’s the official word (I just know the dispensaries only sell a max of 1oz/day)

Q: How much marijuana can I have?
A: As of July 1, 2015, recreational marijuana users can possess up to eight ounces of useable marijuana and four plants per residence in Oregon. An individual can carry up to one ounce in public.

theeWeeBabySeamus

How much marijuana can I have?

A very apt question, if I do say so myself.

Unsurprised

(Need to find investors in a weed delivery service)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

All these turnovers are making me hungry.

Unsurprised

Story of my life.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Trust me, you are not alone in that.

Unsurprised

I figured I’d be in good company here.

King Hippo

ooooh, that’s my jam

“Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading, fucking reminder
Of who I used to be”

Also, looky looky Raiders look fuckin’ GOOD!

Covalent Blonde

Sometimes the occasional lyric can be unduly spot on.

Shogun Marcus

For those playing at home, the Factory has given up 2 safeties.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/Is reminded of a “soft and squishy D” comment on an earlier thread.
//Is sad again

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The old HRTN thread.

Good times.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OLD? I’m not old!!!!
/Put on glasses, rereads

Unsurprised

The plays or the players? Or both?

King Hippo

THAT’S GOOD FACTORY!!

/smacks ass with limp dildo

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I totally misread that. Like seriously.
And I can’t even tell you what I thought you said or I’d be in total deep shit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

(like I’m not already…right?)

Unsurprised
theeWeeBabySeamus

No idea why I’m in the acoustic/unplugged mode tonight…totally out of character for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltc5EsuyBh4

theeWeeBabySeamus

(Bcuz generally no drums)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Buenas Noches, all. Just got back from a long drive after a day at Acadia. Good times. About to dig into some pie in bed. Unfortunately, not a euphemism.

laserguru

Howdy folks!

I just sat down for the first time today and now I’ve been challenged to some Wii golf.
Shit.

Happy Friday everyone!

theeWeeBabySeamus

How are you my friend?
Wish you’d been here for Eggplant Parm tonite, fwiw.
Thought of you as I stuffed my face, lol.

laserguru

I’m doing great.

You’re going to love Sunday Gravy a week from Sunday.

Got the whole family comin’ ovah heah!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dude, I ALWAYS love Sunday Gravy.
To wit….since my days have been running together due to lack of sleep and other influences, I woke up today, or maybe it was yesterday, thinking it was Sunday. No Sunday Gravy made me sad, until I realized I was insane. And it wasn’t Sunday.

Redshirt

You can play WII Golf sitting down.

laserguru

No I can’t.

It’s just me.

Unsurprised

I like this woman.
comment image

Unsurprised
theeWeeBabySeamus

/looks like she could kick my ass
//totally into it

theeWeeBabySeamus

BAL @ SF
Way too much fucking orange. FML.

indieguy

wooo the browns are brownsing!

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least no longer 5-3.
That was very annoying.

King Hippo

As to the political worries:

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/the-real-key-in-the-electoral-college

Really though, the number is 273, which is just 10 votes more but a world of difference since you need 270 electoral votes to win the presidency. In other words, Clinton is ahead by at least 10 points in states which are alone enough to win her the presidency.

Unsurprised

China and Saudi Arabia will pull their money and bankrupt this stupid country if Trump even comes close to being elected.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Clinton’s going to knock out over 300 electoral votes. If Trump ever agrees to a debate, it’ll likely go even higher.

Redshirt

If Trump wins, the Democratic Party should just disband. They have the equivalent to a walkover. If they screw this up, they should just go home.

Unsurprised

If any organization could ever snatch defeat from the jaws of such certain victory, it’s the Democratic Party.

Redshirt

Bengals #12 may have earned himself a job with a Punt Return TD, and Marvin Lewis may have pleased the football gods for going for two and not playing for OT in a preseason game.

King Hippo

My oldest (girl type) kid got TWO tattoos on her 18th birthday. Does this make me a complete failure as a white parent? My (obviously shameful) gut says aye.

/lost handbook ages ago

Redshirt

As long as its not a tramp stamp, you might be okay.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As someone way overprotective of a female child who is about to make my life hell in ways I’ve yet to imagine, I can’t believe I’m about to say this..but..

Better to let her be who she wants to be, than overplay the hand and force her further into the abyss.

King Hippo

oh yeah, I made no effort to intervene or criticize. Still…

Unsurprised

I don’t know any white people without tattoos anymore.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No ink, right here.
Might not be totally white.

King Hippo

there’s a time and place FOAR everything and it’s called college

Horatio Cornblower

Depends if they were good tattoos or dipshit tattoos.

Tribal=bad
Barbed Wire=worse
Target on her belly button=Worstest

ballsofsteelandfury

I can hear RTD yelling GOOOOO RAIIIDERRRSSS!! all the way from here.

Or maybe it’s my other Raider friends. I swear, I’m surrounded by them in SoCal. Of course, they are on local TV.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Poor bastard.
Both of you, actually.
At least neither of you have saddled yourselves to the Niners.
😉

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Fronkenshteen

Watching the documentary “Armistice” on Netflix right now. Nothing will make you feel cozier than watching miserable WWI footage while laying in bed under the covers. It’s raining like a bastard, too. I’m a big toasty cinnamon bun…
comment image

Unsurprised

This is some ball-tingling food porn here. https://www.instagram.com/p/BI-PvnIjxJo/

Fall off the bone beef ribs

theeWeeBabySeamus

Do we really want to encourage anyone to think falling off the bone is a good thing?
I mean, just think of the injuries. Not to mention the disappointment to the bone.

Unsurprised

I’ll take my chances
comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Screw sportsballs. Bourble and muzak, ftw.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkcJEvMcnEg

...

I’m poking around some presidential polling and if there’s a large systemic bias in favor of Clinton, this map is actually very possible as a result:

http://www.270towin.com/maps/WLvrw

IMAGINE THE CHAOS!

...

Add in that Maine awards electoral votes based on congressional district and that is has some super right wing loonies, it’s possible Maine would actually decide the election on favor of Trump.

Sleep well, everyone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t really think that is the case, several other polls have her trouncing him. IF it is the case we are an even stupider tribe than I thought possible, and I’m pretty pessimistic.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/330afa2ca8b7f73ab24343b223fd8981/tumblr_o90fphGOIA1sayi64o2_500.gif

Beastmode Ate My Baby

That’s a map, all right. But it isn’t really accurate per any polling results I’ve seen.

...

Oh, the Cubs just won their 11th game in a row by destroying Cardinals pitching today.

You think Boston-area fans are bad? We’re just itching to give you a new people to hate.

...

Oh now you’re just being mean.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And this is a surprise how, exactly?
😉

King Hippo

YEP. ALREADY THERE. Fucking break Matt Holliday’s thumb, grumble, grumble

Unsurprised

I’m employed. It’s a retail job, but it’s a job. Job = money + opportunity for more money in overtime. Money is good. Money also makes it easier for me to now focus my off time on finding a legal job. Unless I end up going full-bore on this one and take over the whole goddamn company.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Outstanding, dude. Seriously. Really happy to hear this.
You are fucking awesome.
/means that in a totally not gay way
//as far as you know

Unsurprised

Thanks.

Maybe now I can also get into some bourble.

blaxabbath

Hour out from OAK at ARI! WOOOOOO!!!!!!

...

Rather than reflect on their impending death, Gawker seems hellbent and having your last memory of them being how they were miserable twats.

They published a take about bars sucking. It’s so bad I won’t even link to it.

Unsurprised

Rest in shit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

It is now.

Unsurprised

It fucking ought to be.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, you are in so much trouble.
Checks schedule….moves some things around.
1am – masturbate