Hey kids, it’s 1:12 EST and Horatio’s hammered to the point he shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery.

Actually, Horatio shouldn’t operate heavy machinery under any circumstances because he has the dexterity, (and ambition), of a morbidly obese tree sloth that’s been imbibing fermented mangoes for days, but that’s another story.

Let’s set the scene, shall we?

4:15 Horatio’s house. Horatio, an overworked and underpaid* attorney, is busily writing letter telling clients as politely as possible that they are unbelievable assholes and will soon be splitting rocks and/or driving railroad spikes while chained to Negroes** if they don’t start returning phone calls or showing up for court.

*or vice versa
**I saw this once in a movie so it’s not racist***
***Hoo boy is that racisit!

4:16 Friend calls Horatio “Hey, let’s go golfing! $25 for a cart and 9 holes! All your friends are going, including the one who has to go back to Germany at the end of the week. Then we’ll have dinner and a couple of beers and you’ll be home by 8!”*

*This is a vicious lie

8:00 pm Horatio is at the bar, eating a bacon cheeseburger and enjoying witty* conversation with friends and family.
*sub-moronic conversation with friends, family having long since given up.

8:01 Bar DJ: “HEY IT’S TRIVIA NIGHT!!!!!”
Horatio’s family leaves immediately. Horatio grabs pencil and paper, begins taunting bar patrons.

10:30 Horatio and his team* are in second place, one point down to a table of ten, count ’em ten, kids who can’t be more than 23, and another team of three, one of whom used to coach Horatio’s kid but quit because he got his PhD in fucking calculus.
*2 drunks from the golf course

10:31 Bar DJ: “The final category is ‘Movies of the 90’s, and you can bet up to 20 points!”
Horatio immediately bets 48 points, argues with the DJ, reduces bets to 20 points after a SWAT team is called in to end the argument

10:32(the SWAT team was very efficient) Bar DJ: “in this movie ‘The Annexat…”
(Horatio writes down ‘Little Giants’, walks up to DJ and hands in answer while making throat-slitting gesture at other teams)
“…ion of Puerto Rico was the secret play that led the hero’s team to victory.”

10:35 After some higher math that the guy with the PhD could have done in half the time Horatio’s team, The Captain’s Daughter in the Treehouse, (named after the beer we’d been hitting like it stole something), is declared the winner. Horatio’s large teammate runs around the bar offering to show the other teams the $25 gift certificate we’ve won. Discussions are held about having further discussions in the parking lot. Horatio spreads the shots he’s won amongst the other teams, feelings are soothed, peace prevails.

ON AN YOU KNOW HORATIO GON’ BE BACK NEX’ WEDNESDAY TO DEFEND!

10:31