Yes, my friends, ESPN is #branding this as the bestest gosh darned opening weekend you ever did see…but for reals, that is really more about name value and TOP matchups. It sure as shit ain’t about depth. As you will note in my viewing guide below, your remote control batteries will get a RedZone Channel sized rest this soggy (yeah, East Coast Bias TILL I DIE, muthaflippas) September Saturday.

Georgia Tech vs. Boston College (7:30 am, ESPN2)

I dunno exactly WHY we are so hell bent on making the people of Ireland like terrible college footy. I was going to compare it to the degradation of the Old Firm Lesser Footy rivalry, but that’s fookin’ Scotland. Anyway, read the linked article and ya’ll larn soomet, ya bloody yank. You don’t want to set your alarm for this, which may or may not count in the ACC standings. It will have no bearing on who loses to Louisville/FSU/Clemson for the league title.

Oklahoma at Houston (noon, ABC)

Hey, give credit where credit’s due – no matter how much teevee green they threw at Bob Stoops…this is a ballsy opener to agree to, especially on the road. The Cougars are a tough foe, and likely the only legit Cinderella contender to run the table and earn a seat at the grown-ups’ table in January. The Big 12 is a shade down this season, so Boomer Sooner could also use a statement win for style points.

Missouri at West By God Virginia (noon, FS1)

HAI, cousinfuckers!! We see you over there. This is mostly a viewer’s guide for WCS, so he don’t forget. But in case Okie shits all over Houston, a backup plausible option is nice to have. Mizzou could hang around. Or not, it’s week one and the fuck do I know about anything??

UCLA at Texas A&M (3:30, CBS)

This is a really interesting table setter game. The Aggies are unranked (how can this be PAWWWWWLLLL??), but you know there will be raw talent and a hostile atmosphere. Josh Rosen is a legitimate Jewish Heisman candidate, which would totes ruin OJ’s Fred Goldman joke. SUCH A PITY. Anyway, the Bruins will start getting national playoff contender talk if’n they win in College Satition. BUHLEE DAT!

LSU at Wisconsin (3:30, ABC)

This is on the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, for the first time EVAR. Sadly, Keith Jackson is dead, and Les Miles was almost fired one year before he could have munched this rarified sod. I literally can’t smgdh enough. My brain is so fucked, I was sure Miles actually WAS fired before I Googled him to find out where he was now, and who replaced him. Holy fuck, am I ever stupid.

Georgia vs. U*NC (5:30, ESPN)

The Dawgs are still starting the sad sack reject QB who couldn’t cut it at UVA. This ain’t a good sign. If I am dead by my own hand on Sunday, it’s because the Cheaters won in the Dome.

Southern Cal vs. Alabama (8:00, ABC)

This game has the fun/interesting backstory of the Trojans coming to Tuscaloosa to play Bear Bryant’s all-white Tide, and whipping their asses. Supposedly, Bear scheduled it as a “lesson” to the Board of Trustees as to why he needed to be able to recruit black athletes. Because he knew any argument based on simple human decency wouldn’t be worth his breath. Local black folks – barred from the segregated stadium – sat on a nearby hill and cheered every SC touchdown. Long story short, fuck Alabama.

Clemson at Auburn (9:00, ESPN)

Another bit of good scheduling, by Clemson’s idiot savant Dabo Swinney. Go on the road, get tested in a VERY hostile environment on the Plains…but almost surely win the game. This should help when those tough Louisville and Florida State games come ’round the bend. Plus, good teevee.

BYU vs. Arizona (10:30, FS1)

The always popular insomniac/DVR/West Coast/tweaker special. I know nothing about either side this season.

Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday – 7:30, ABC)

Sigh. Too bad the Longhorns still suck out loud.

Ole Miss vs. Florida State (Monday – 8:00, ESPN)

Chad Kelly, ultimate redneck QB for Johnny Reb, is still kicking around. Perhaps they can make things interesting, though FSU is so loaded for bear on D, it will be hard for even Jimbo Fisher to screw it up. And that’s saying somethin’ coming from me.