JV NFL Methadone Window is OPEN!!

Yes, my friends, ESPN is #branding this as the bestest gosh darned opening weekend you ever did see…but for reals, that is really more about name value and TOP matchups. It sure as shit ain’t about depth. As you will note in my viewing guide below, your remote control batteries will get a RedZone Channel sized rest this soggy (yeah, East Coast Bias TILL I DIE, muthaflippas) September Saturday.

Georgia Tech vs. Boston College (7:30 am, ESPN2)

I dunno exactly WHY we are so hell bent on making the people of Ireland like terrible college footy. I was going to compare it to the degradation of the Old Firm Lesser Footy rivalry, but that’s fookin’ Scotland. Anyway, read the linked article and ya’ll larn soomet, ya bloody yank. You don’t want to set your alarm for this, which may or may not count in the ACC standings. It will have no bearing on who loses to Louisville/FSU/Clemson for the league title.

Oklahoma at Houston (noon, ABC)

Hey, give credit where credit’s due – no matter how much teevee green they threw at Bob Stoops…this is a ballsy opener to agree to, especially on the road. The Cougars are a tough foe, and likely the only legit Cinderella contender to run the table and earn a seat at the grown-ups’ table in January. The Big 12 is a shade down this season, so Boomer Sooner could also use a statement win for style points.

Missouri at West By God Virginia (noon, FS1)

HAI, cousinfuckers!! We see you over there. This is mostly a viewer’s guide for WCS, so he don’t forget. But in case Okie shits all over Houston, a backup plausible option is nice to have. Mizzou could hang around. Or not, it’s week one and the fuck do I know about anything??

UCLA at Texas A&M (3:30, CBS)

This is a really interesting table setter game. The Aggies are unranked (how can this be PAWWWWWLLLL??), but you know there will be raw talent and a hostile atmosphere. Josh Rosen is a legitimate Jewish Heisman candidate, which would totes ruin OJ’s Fred Goldman joke. SUCH A PITY. Anyway, the Bruins will start getting national playoff contender talk if’n they win in College Satition. BUHLEE DAT!

LSU at Wisconsin (3:30, ABC)

This is on the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, for the first time EVAR. Sadly, Keith Jackson is dead, and Les Miles was almost fired one year before he could have munched this rarified sod. I literally can’t smgdh enough. My brain is so fucked, I was sure Miles actually WAS fired before I Googled him to find out where he was now, and who replaced him. Holy fuck, am I ever stupid.

Georgia vs. U*NC (5:30, ESPN)

The Dawgs are still starting the sad sack reject QB who couldn’t cut it at UVA. This ain’t a good sign. If I am dead by my own hand on Sunday, it’s because the Cheaters won in the Dome.

Southern Cal vs. Alabama (8:00, ABC)

This game has the fun/interesting backstory of the Trojans coming to Tuscaloosa to play Bear Bryant’s all-white Tide, and whipping their asses. Supposedly, Bear scheduled it as a “lesson” to the Board of Trustees as to why he needed to be able to recruit black athletes. Because he knew any argument based on simple human decency wouldn’t be worth his breath. Local black folks – barred from the segregated stadium – sat on a nearby hill and cheered every SC touchdown. Long story short, fuck Alabama.

Clemson at Auburn (9:00, ESPN)

Another bit of good scheduling, by Clemson’s idiot savant Dabo Swinney. Go on the road, get tested in a VERY hostile environment on the Plains…but almost surely win the game. This should help when those tough Louisville and Florida State games come ’round the bend. Plus, good teevee.

BYU vs. Arizona (10:30, FS1)

The always popular insomniac/DVR/West Coast/tweaker special. I know nothing about either side this season.

Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday – 7:30, ABC)

Sigh. Too bad the Longhorns still suck out loud.

Ole Miss vs. Florida State (Monday – 8:00, ESPN)

Chad Kelly, ultimate redneck QB for Johnny Reb, is still kicking around. Perhaps they can make things interesting, though FSU is so loaded for bear on D, it will be hard for even Jimbo Fisher to screw it up. And that’s saying somethin’ coming from me.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
488 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
blaxabbath

I was wrong. I can get ANY cable subscription info to use the Fox Sports Go app.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Let’s do like 7 overtimes boys. Fuck dinner.

Spanky Datass

Aggie defender jumped so high on that int. play he got altitude sickness and cramped up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Anyone want to take my Windows Powershell test for me? It has to be done by midnight and I had a couple drinks during the game. I take that back, I should never blame drinking when it isn’t the problem. I am lazy and just don’t feel like wasting an hour on it.

herodotus450

cp ans.txt test.txt

theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed.

blaxabbath

Fiance just realized that Bama/USC weren’t playing and that the numbers next to the team names on the ticker were their rankings.

In other news, I’m trying to hunt down a Time Warner account login so I can use their app to watch Arizona/BYU on my smart tv (FU FoxSports1)…

theeWeeBabySeamus

da Fuq happened in College Station???????????

Spanky Datass
theeWeeBabySeamus

Carolina Promo quote
“….it’s a place that isn’t confined to classrooms.”

Yeah, no shit.

bourb0nblues

Jim Mora heated.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So Wisconsin fucked up slightly less than highly ranked LSU, so I should get my hopes up for a national championship? I am just kidding, I will stop caring about them next week when real football starts so who cares

Shogun Marcus

As will everyone else north of 90/94.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I can’t tell if that lineman was just an asshole or the only person in the stadium that didn’t know the play was dead.

blaxabbath

Asshole. 100%.

herodotus450

Malachi seeking to undo the work of Gaglionne? What is this, the Strait of Gibraltar circa 710 AD?

bourb0nblues

Holy shit. That was a devastating hit.

Spanky Datass

Gaglianone?!? Fuhgetaboutit! Put da tree freakin’ points on da freakin’ boward right freakin’ now!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Verne…you don’t have to ask me twice.
I’d be more than happy to get more from Allie LaForce.
Name the time and place my Jabba the Hutt friend.

Brick Meathook

The good news for Sam Bradford is that Minnesota has some pretty good hospitals.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This just in….
Ryan Switzer: still a huge penis.

Brick Meathook

GREAT NEWS! I just got hired as a secret agent!!!! This is so awesome!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t think you’re supposed to telling.
Someone hasn’t read the manual yet.
/won’t name names

Brick Meathook

I suppose I shouldn’t have posted that on the internet. It’s only my first day, though. I still have a lot to learn I guess.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, pretty impressed with aTm so far.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Maybe less so now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love how I can tune out during the first quarter to watch the entire Battlebots finale, and tune back in and it’s only the third quarter.

theeWeeBabySeamus

hahahaha…suck it heels.
Wait…do not heart reply dude.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OH YOU SUCK!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you say “suck heels” three times fast I hear that Rex Ryan appears.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You should watch…the Hat has a sexay beard now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow..I messed that up bad.
*do not break my heart relay dude

balls!!!! Forget what I said about edit button I obviously DO need it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!

REPLAY DAMMIT…REPLAY!!!!!

BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just saw the Bradford trade news. So the Vikings gave up a 1st and some more to get a meh QB that is probably gonna retear his ACL by next week anyways. I approve of this trade.

Also, fuck you Wisconsin

bourb0nblues

That poor Wisconsin kid. Learning the ways early in life.

Spanky Datass

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Go Dawgs you beautiful bastards.

Horatio Cornblower

My son just sent me a video of him rock climbing a 5.9 or 5.10 grade climb. I think that means it’s hard. That’s what she said anyway.

At any rate it’s enough to get this guy off his ass and up to the gym.

herodotus450

Wisconsin D getting Guice’d out there .

herodotus450

Joke upgrade:
Don’t let the name defense fool you, it’s more like a crowd of people that let’s yardage Guice right through it.

ballsofsteelandfury

I really should have thought about some kind of methadone to come down from Redzone. All these college games are incredibly SLOW.

AND I’VE GOT TWO GAMES/TVs GOING!

Fuck, I think golf might be more exciting at this point.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dunno about more exciting….but definitely just as frustrating.

theeWeeBabySeamus

i’m flipping UCLA/aTm and UGa/assheads…and looking for my baseball bat to try to adjust the computer settings to smoking rubble.

Don’t have to put baseball into to rotation for another hour.

Brick Meathook

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Your 2016 Dallas Cowboys Preview!

ballsofsteelandfury

And, just like that, Nacho goes to Dallas.

It really is a Komedy Saturday!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit…now the Heel’s D is looking good.
This might be the night the hose gets duct taped to the tailpipe.
FML